Home Alone

Disclaimer:

The movie I’m reviewing is rated: PG

There aren’t many inappropriate scenes here, but there are some overly violent ones.

Be warned.

Ah, what a charming holiday classic full of violence and maiming. I probably could’ve said the same thing about the last movie I reviewed, but I digress. Still, it’s always been interesting to me how this film has managed to become a holiday staple despite its unconventional approach to capturing it. That could be the reason why so many people return to it year after year. If you look on Disney+ in America around this season, you’ll notice how Home Alone is one of the most viewed films on the platform.

Whatever the reason for its popularity, there’s no mistaking that people love it. I wouldn’t consider myself one of those people who love it, but I do remember at least liking it. My family watched it once together when I was young and I had a fun time, mostly with the climax (like I imagine most people do), but is there something alongside that scene everyone loves that I missed the first time? It’s been quite a while since I’ve seen this film, so I could easily have forgotten.

With that being said, let’s test my memory by giving Macaulay Culkin an acting career and teaching kids that home invasions are fun torture opportunities with the original Home Alone.

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Watching this movie again, I totally forgot John Williams did the score. Also, whenever Williams is attached to a film, even one I dislike, his compositions are usually one of my favorite aspects. Home Alone is by no means a film I dislike, but one of my larger takeaways was still the great score. Even if the scene of Marv sneaking around the basement sounds pretty similar to Tusken Raiders looting Luke Skywalker’s unconscious body.

That aside, who’re we spending this Christmas with? The McCallisters! What’re they like? White trash in suburban clothing.

The average (White) family.

About as hectic as I was expecting.

…Wait, why’s there a random cop here?

I don’t believe, in a house with this many people, there’s no shampoo.

What am I supposed to do? Shake his hand and say “Congratulations, you’re an idiot?”

You’re what the French call “Les incompetents.”

I wouldn’t let you sleep in my room if you were growing on my ass.

Look what you did you little jerk.

You get the point.

These people suck.

In fact, it’s almost impressive how unlikable each of these characters are. The only character that doesn’t seem like complete garbage is Kate McCallister, Kevin’s mother (played by Catherine O’Hara). Of course, a lot of the time when Hollywood needs a mother they call Catherine O’Hara, but Kate McCallister is probably my favorite character in this movie. Mostly because she’s the one who goes through the emotional roller coaster of finding out her son got left at home by himself.

This isn’t to say she’s the greatest person overall. In the beginning she can be a bit neglectful to her family as she’s preparing everything for their Paris trip, but you can argue that most of the adults are just busy and overworked with a large family (except Uncle Frank, he sucks). Why Kate specifically is my favorite character is because she’s the one who feels the most like a real person. She also adds a much needed heart to the film that’s otherwise kinda mean-spirited.

If I have to sell my soul to the Devil himself, I’m going to get home to my son.

It wouldn’t surprise me if this character, in part, inspired Marlin from Finding Nemo.

Kate can even be funny -

Somebody pick up…

PICK UP!

- distraught -

What kind of a mother am I?

- and even jovial.

[GUS] Go ahead, try it!

But enough about Kate. Our main character is the young Kevin McCallister (played by Macaulay Culkin) He’s probably the worst character in this. Especially in the beginning.

[KATE] Hey, hey hey! Get off! Kevin, out of the room.

Hang up the phone and make me, why don’tcha?

I’M LIVING ALONE!

Now, get upstairs.

I am upstairs, dummy.

I hope I never see any of you jerks again.

[thinking] I wish they would all just disappear.

This kid is a menace.

It doesn’t help that he looks like Dennis, too.

Kevin is a major brat in the beginning, but it does capture how most kids would act in a family of this size because they’re not getting the attention they want. Although, we have to like Kevin by the end of the movie and right now I hate him. However, over time we should grow attached to him. I’d say the film does a good job of this after Kevin is left alone. 

Mom?

Before I continue with Kevin’s character, I’d like to mention that the film also does a pretty good job setting up the scenario for Kevin to be left alone. They’re already a large family and there’s strong winds that night which take down a tree branch and knock out the power to the house. This leads to the family’s alarm not going off and having to rush to the airport. Kevin was already put in the attic to calm down the night before, so it makes sense that he wouldn’t wake up to the sounds of panicked packing below.

It also makes sense that the family would be so focused on getting everything ready that they forgot they left Kevin in the attic. The only thing that’s kinda forced is the random kid that shows up to annoy the van drivers.

You guys goin’ outta town?

He shows up out of absolutely nowhere and for no other reason than to have the older sister miscount the number of kids.

…seven, eight, nine…

Considering that the rest of this setup is pretty believable, I suppose I can give it a pass though.

Anyway, back to Kevin. His progression from unlikable snot to charming child icon is surprisingly believable and mostly because of the writing centered around him. While the writing does most of the heavy lifting, Macaulay Culkin’s acting is…alright. It’s not bad necessarily, and he was still a kid when this was filmed, but…how do I put this…he’s still a Culkin. This character was undoubtedly his best role, and he’s clearly trying, but sometimes he can seem a bit off. Usually during emotional scenes.

When he’s expected to convey dramatic emotion, like when he apologizes to his family photo and says that if they come back he won’t act out again, he comes across as a bit fake. The good news is that there aren’t a whole lot of those scenes, and usually the film plays to Culkin’s strengths by not giving him too much dialogue and just having him act through his facial expressions.

Merry Christmas.

When Kevin smiles in the movie, it feels so genuine and heartwarming.

But, of course, there are also moments he can convey other emotions.

Mostly fear or distress.

Mom!

He shall be saved through the power of reversed footage.

Also, Macaulay Culkin has gone on record to say this is the one thing he’ll never do for his fans again:

Make that face.

…I don’t blame him.

The movie seemed to like it though, because it does it twice.

That looks like it belongs on the poster.

However, without the great writing, this movie probably wouldn’t have done as well as it did. Kevin manages to go through an arc by becoming more of an adult, standing up for himself and his family, and connecting with other people. None of that would have been possible if the writing didn’t make it so believable. Most of the scenes in this movie revolve around Kevin being a kid at home by himself (why else would the movie be called Home Alone?) and just doing kid stuff.

He bounces around on his parents’ bed while eating popcorn, sleds down his main staircase, watches movies while eating junk food, and goes through his elder siblings’ “private collections.” It also makes the difference that the same day he’s left alone, he doesn’t fully believe that he’s alone. Part of him just believes his family is playing a joke on him and he tries to provoke them to knock it off.

Buzz, I’m going through all your private stuff! You better come out and pound me!

Guys, I’m eating junk and watching rubbish! You better come out and stop me!

While he was eager to see his family disappear earlier in the film, when he first discovers his family missing, he’s actually confused and a bit scared.

Hello?

Mom? Dad?

It’s only after Kevin remembers the mean things his family said the night before that he feels empowered to do whatever he wants.

Look what you did, you little jerk.

Kevin, you’re what the French call “Les incompetents.”

Kevin, I’m going to feed you to my tarantula.

Even some things they didn’t say.

It also makes sense that when Kevin first comes across the Wet Bandits, Harry and Marv (played by Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern), his first reaction isn’t to put them through hell, but to hide and drive them away. This is a much more believable reaction, and only through repeated interactions with the Wet Bandits does Kevin eventually get the idea to set traps for them. We also see in these moments just how smart Kevin can be when he needs to, even if it’s a bit unrealistic at times.

How did he set all that up?

A nice touch is also seeing Kevin test out one of his ruses on the Pizza Guy before fully putting it into action when Marv shows up.

Speaking of the bandits, I think they’re just the right kind of antagonists for this story. Harry is the smarter of the two and makes all the plans while Marv is the one who usually does the legwork. Despite Harry being smarter than Marv, neither of them are really that smart which is part of why I think they’re the perfect antagonists for this film. It’s kinda like A Series of Unfortunate Events that way by having smart kids living in a world of dumb adults.

You did it again, didn’t you? You left the water running, didn’t you?

Harry, it’s our calling card. All the great ones leave their mark.

My personal head-canon says these two are a couple.

Most of the things I’ve talked about are things that I like. Is there anything I don’t like? Well, let’s talk about Old Man Marley (played by Roberts Blossom).

He’s a returning character in the film and is first introduced in the opening before the family leaves. Buzz (played by Devin Ratray) tells Kevin his spooky backstory.

[BUZZ] You ever heard of the “South-Bend Shovel Slayer?”

Apparently, Old Man Marley is a serial killer from the late 50’s who killed his victims with a shovel and puts them in a garbage can full of salt to dispose of the bodies. So now he salts the sidewalks every night to keep the neighborhood in check. Sure. Throughout the film, he makes frequent appearances to scare Kevin until it’s revealed what kind of person he is.

Merry Christmas.

A misunderstood man who has a shaky relationship with his adult son.

While Old Man Marley does play a part in the climax of the film, his purpose for being here feels the slightest bit manipulative. All he does is prove to Kevin he shouldn’t judge a book by its cover, but even the rumor about him is awkwardly concocted. When I first saw this movie as a kid, I thought the Old Man Marley story was just something Buzz, being the bully older brother, made up on his own to scare Kevin. As it turns out, the whole neighborhood believes it.

There’s a lot of things going around about me, but none of it’s true.

I suppose this isn’t a bad or unbelievable choice, people around here may just have prejudices against an old guy shoveling sidewalks, but I would’ve preferred if it was just a campfire story Buzz made up.

The story would’ve made more sense that way.

If the whole town thought he was a killer, wouldn’t he be more of a recluse, only stepping out of his house when he needs to so people won’t gawk at him?

Old Man Marley is a charming person, so I don’t dislike him as a character, but the reason he feels manipulative is because this sequence with him and Kevin in the church comes right before the climax. You know, the same climax where Harry and Marv go through Kevin’s fun-house of horrors. It’s a drastic tone shift to make, and, even with the lesson Kevin learns, does Kevin need another lesson to learn? He’s already learning at least 2, maybe 3 lessons, so here is where the movie starts to feel crowded.

Now it really feels like the film is going all in on that warm/fuzzy holiday feeling to shoehorn its way into being the next holiday classic. Since it worked, I guess I’m the one who should be ashamed for criticizing it. Just because this movie was so successful doesn’t mean I’m not gonna point out things I think aren’t the best, though. In fact, because of the Old Man Marley stuff, it makes me realize that this movie is trying to be a lot of things at once.

Family comedy -

I took a shower washing every body part with actual soap, including all my major crevices, including in between my toes and in my belly button, which I never did before, but sort of enjoyed. I washed my hair with adult formula shampoo and used cream-rinse for that “just-washed” shine.

Of course he’d model his morning routine after Patrick Bateman.

- mean-spirited -

Damn, how low can you get giving Kris Kringle a parking ticket on Christmas Eve? What’s next, rabies shots for the Easter Bunny?

- dramatic/emotional -

I’m desperate. I’m begging you, from a mother to a mother, please.

- heartwarming -

- and, of course, action-packed.

I completely forgot this scene of him escaping a cop after accidentally shoplifting a toothbrush was in the movie.

For the climax it makes sense, but here it seems like they just wanted an action scene.

Speaking of the climax, it’s probably worth talking about at this point. Although, it’s one of those things that’s so iconic it needs no introduction. With that said, here’s a picture of Kevin holding a BB gun.

Hello.

I choose to believe this is the origin story for the Jigsaw Killer.

What I like most about this climax is, despite being over-the-top, it’s surprisingly believable. All of the traps Kevin constructs for Harry and Marv are simple and rudimentary; something you could easily see an 8-year-old creating. From stuff as simple as putting breakable Christmas ornaments on the floor for someone to step on, to attaching paint cans to strings and lobbing them at people, I have an easier time believing Kevin was able to set this stuff up than that mannequin diversion earlier.

Every part of the climax is almost perfectly timed, the sound effects match the impacts amazingly, and everything looks like it hurts. Well…about that. Some of the stunts were especially dangerous for the cast and stunt crew to perform. Slipping on the micro-machines, while it may not look like much, was done practically by stuntmen and was one of the more dangerous stunts performed since it was done on a real hardwood floor with no padding (Chris Columbus on Home Alone stunts).

Real quick, a nice touch about the movie is that it’ll occasionally show a shot of Buzz’s tarantula wandering around the house after Kevin destroys its habitat. Eventually Kevin uses the tarantula as a quick escape when Marv grabs hold of him in one scene. As it turns out, the tarantula that was used in the stunt was still equipped with a venomous stinger and could’ve fatally stung Daniel Stern (Screen Rant). It took a lot of convincing to get Stern to do it, but he eventually caved when they agreed to only do one take.

Also, the spider handler told Stern not to scream.

If he did, it could’ve frightened the spider and caused it to sting him.

So instead, Stern merely opened his mouth and the iconic scream was dubbed in later.

Outside of those, the other stunts that were performed during the climax were accomplished using clever movie-making tricks. While they look painful, rest assured nobody was sustaining any major injuries during filming. Save that for Home Alone 2. For instance, when Harry gets his head burned by the blow-torch, Joe Pesci was wearing a protective plate so his scalp wouldn’t get melted. It also took a lot of convincing for Pesci to agree to that (Chris Columbus on Home Alone stunts).

It was only after he saw a stunt person perform the same stunt successfully that he agreed to do it.

Even the stunt with Marv stepping on the nail: that was done by using a rubber nail that retracted into the step when pressure was applied to the top of it (Chris Columbus on Home Alone stunts). The reason it’s so convincing is due to the angle of the shot and Daniel Stern’s dedicated performance.

Doesn’t make it any easier to watch, though.

In fact, there were no laughs on set as these stunts were being performed. Since all of them looked incredibly painful, the crew remained completely silent out of fear that someone actually hurt themselves (Chris Columbus on Home Alone stunts).

Despite all that, and the fact that (as an adult) it can be hard to watch at times, this climax is still a lot of fun just to see an 8-year-old boy show his potential house-robbers what for. Overall, I’d also say it helps round out the film in a satisfying way.

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Considering the tone juggling, occasional awkward moments, and the movie obviously wanting to be the next Christmas classic, it’s kinda surprising it worked as well as it did. In fact, the film most likely shouldn’t have worked. The cinemas that showed it when it was first released in 1990 didn’t believe in it, so they only showed it in select locations. Only after the film started setting box office records did they expand the film’s coverage.

A lot of people, and even early critics of the film, point out the same things I did: the film is all over the place, the characters are insufferable, it throws in morals that don’t belong, and is honestly unfunny at times (Rotten Tomatoes). Despite that, I still like it. Not love it, but like it. I totally understand, and agree, with the things critics of this film say. For anyone who’s reading this and doesn’t like this movie, I totally get it. The same reason someone likes it could be the same reason someone else doesn’t.

For me, it’s one of those movies that’s hard to define why I like it. Naturally I’ve talked about some of the details earlier that I enjoyed, but if I were to pick a single reason as to why I like this movie…I can’t do it. Part of it could be overexposure. Overexposure is the primary reason we consider It’s a Wonderful Life a Christmas classic. When you see a film enough times, not only do you start to notice more things wrong with it, but also positive things you didn’t notice before which can strengthen your enjoyment of it.

That could be what’s happening here, but it’s hard to say. I think a good way to tell is by taking a look at the sequels. As Home Alone became a franchise, people started to quickly catch on how repetitive and stale this kind of entertainment can be. With Home Alone 2: Lost in New York, moviegoers were much more split on it. With Home Alone 3, viewers quickly recognized it as Hollywood begging for money. By Home Alone 4 everyone stopped caring. What does the original have that the sequels don’t? Passion.

Despite its flaws, the original Home Alone still has a dedication to film-making, character, story, entertainment, and emotional connection even if it doesn’t always come across. With the sequels, that passion was quickly replaced with greed, and if you want your film to be a classic, you cannot have money be your driving force. That’s not how it works.

With that being said, if you haven’t seen this movie, first off: how did you manage that? Second, I hope this review has given you a good idea of whether you should put this movie on the shelf with the rest of your Christmas classics or leave it on the movie rack at Target alone.

I’ll say this movie has earned itself a 3.5/5 aftershave bottles. For a moment I considered giving it a 4/5, but I thought it had too many problems for me to go that far. I even thought about giving it a 3/5, but what pushed it over the top for me was its passion like I mentioned. This was a risky film to make, but as it turns out, it paid off nicely. I have to respect that even if the film itself isn’t great. It’s still good, but not great.

This will be my last review before Christmas, so I’d just like to take this time and wish y’all a Merry Christmas.

There will be another review I’ll post on Friday, December 27th, but that will be after the holiday.

With that said, I hope you all have a fabulous holiday season.

Well wishes to you, and I’ll see y’all next week.

(I make no claim of ownership for any of the images used in this post)

(Each of them are owned entirely by their respective copyright holders, which are not me)

(I’m just a humble blogger who talks about movies, I do not make them)

(Yet)

A Christmas Carol (2009)

Disclaimer:

The film I’m reviewing this week is rated: PG

That may not sound like much, but there will be some disturbing imagery in this review.

I didn’t think I’d have to put a disclaimer before A Christmas Carol of all things, but here we are. That’s one of the main things I took away from this rendition of the classic Charles Dickens story: terror. While it’s not a straight-up horror film, it does still put an undue burden on the creepier aspects of the story while forgetting some of the genuinely heartwarming parts. Either that, or it goes too far into odd humor that it dilutes the message.

However, it’s my firmly held belief that you can’t kill a true classic. Does this movie set out to do that? I’d say no. While uneven, awkward, and tonally confused, it does still hold onto some aspects that made the original stand the test of time. Also, I’m sure the idea behind the film, along with most other adaptations of this story, was to give an alternative take on it we haven’t seen before. To the film’s credit, that is definitely what it is.

To be fair, it has been a hot minute since I saw this film. In fact, it’s probably been over a decade by now. So, does this movie hold up in ways I forgot about? Oh, y’all know the drill by now.

Let’s invite the three ghosts of motion capture back into our homes this week and take a look at Robert Zemeckis’ A Christmas Carol (2009).

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For this review, I read the original book for reference. While not something I often do, considering how much of a timeless classic this story is, I thought it was about time. Not only was I glad to finally understand the original context of the tale, but I was surprised to learn that this film is surprisingly faithful to it. The lines in the movie aren’t verbatim from the book, but they’re really close. Of course the motifs are straight out of the book and every other filmed version, but even the style and feel is pretty on point.

For example: the design of the Ghosts of Christmas.

The Ghost of Christmas Past.

While nightmare-inducing, it’s pretty close to the book’s description.

The Ghost of Christmas Present.

Another nearly direct translation from page to screen.

The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come.

While not described as a shadow in the book, it is described as a heavily shrouded figure whose features can’t be discerned and never speaks, only points to things.

However, I still find myself torn on these details. Maybe it’s because I’m glad to see a faithful adaptation of a literary source after the wildly unfaithful one I reviewed last week. To that same end, these motifs and lines are present in several other filmed versions of this story I’ve seen. So, can I really commend a movie for doing what’s basically “the bare minimum?” Well, maybe it’ll become clearer in the way they handle the characters.

Of course, you know him, you hate him, it’s Ebenezer Scrooge (played by Jim Carrey [last seen on this blog annoying the citizens of Whoville to death in How the Grinch Stole Christmas (2000)]). He’s the same crotchety humbug you’d expect in any adaptation of the story, but Jim Carrey’s portrayal is actually much more restrained than you’d expect.

Are there no prisons?

Yet you don’t think me ill-used when I pay a days wages for no work.

Be here all the earlier the next morning.

I’d rather not.

While Carrey does fine in the role, he definitely wouldn’t be my first choice for Scrooge. I can’t help but wonder if they picked Carrey only for his physical acting since this is a motion capture film. In fact, to give you an idea of what could’ve been, let’s take a look at the supporting roles. There’s Bob Cratchit, of course (played by Gary Oldman). Wait, Gary Oldman? Now I already want to see Gary Oldman play Scrooge. See what I mean?

Well, if quite convenient, sir.

Scrooge’s nephew, Fred, also makes an appearance (played by Colin Firth). There you go! Another actor I could easily believe as Scrooge.

Merry Christmas, uncle!

Even for his relatively brief appearance, there’s this “Portly Gentleman” who tries to convince Scrooge to donate to charity, and he’s played by Cary Elwes (last seen on this blog relieving himself of unneeded appendages in Saw). Cary Elwes as Scrooge, that could work too, and is also something I’d like to see.

Do I have the pleasure of addressing Mr. Scrooge or Mr. Marley?

This last one might be a bit of a stretch, but even during the Ghost of Christmas Past sequence, we see Scrooge’s old mentor: Fezziwig (played by Bob Hoskins). In a weird way, I also wouldn’t mind seeing Bob Hoskins as Scrooge, in a sort of American/New York Themed Christmas Carol. That could be an interesting alternative take on the story.

Yo-ho, me lads!

Bottom line: it’s not a good sign when the supporting cast would look better in the lead than the actual lead actor. Once again, I should be clear that I don’t think Jim Carrey is bad in this. Mostly, I just think that he has too much to fight against. As Scrooge: he has to do an old man voice, an English accent, speak an old version of his native language, and act underneath all the motion capture going on. It’s not an easy task, and I feel like the other actors I mentioned just would’ve been a better fit for the role.

Speaking of the motion capture as well, why exactly is this film motion capture? I suppose, if anything, it’s an excuse to get creative with the visuals, which, I will admit, can be cool at times.

Heck, much of the Ghost of Christmas Present sequence is visually stunning.

Part of this choice goes back to Robert Zemeckis. After it got to a certain point in his career, he believed that motion capture was the future of film-making and even created his own motion capture company to facilitate that. In case you’re curious, this film does have that company’s name attached to it.

I suppose I can’t blame the man for going all-in on something he truly thought was going to change the face of cinema, but I won’t act like the uncanny moments aren’t super uncanny. Then I guess I’ve made it to the point where I should discuss the Ghost of Christmas Past.

[echo-y Irish whisper] I am the Ghost of Christmas Past.

So that’s what you’re telling kids now?

I think it goes without saying, but the Ghost of Christmas Past is frickin’ hideous. It didn’t look good then or now, and I still have no clue why they bothered to give Christmas Past a face at all. If they’re going for the whole candle aesthetic, why not just have it be a flame? They didn’t give Christmas Yet to Come a face, so why Christmas Past? Despite my complaints, I like how the film has Jim Carrey play the Ghosts of Christmas. It helps add subtext that each of them represent a different part of Scrooge.

Although, the subtext can occasionally be muddled by abrupt tone changes. We catch our first glimpse of this when the ghost of Jacob Marley appears to Scrooge (also played by Gary Oldman…for some reason).

In life, I was your partner Jacob Maaaaaarleyyyyyyyyy.

…Ooooooookayyyyy.

Firstly, Jacob is very whiny in this version.

Oh, woe is me!

He actually says that.

To me, the most mature handling of Marley’s character would be to have him act serious yet resigned to his fate. In death, he understands why he’s being punished and has condemned himself to go about his afterlife paying for his living actions. He only decides to help Scrooge because he truly doesn’t want the same thing for his partner. I’d much prefer if the movie handled Marley like that, but instead he’s constantly moping about what he could’ve done and it’s kind of annoying.

Oh, woe is me!

He says that twice.

Second, this:

I saw this in theaters as a kid when it first came out.

I freaked out here.

While this technically happened in the book, this definitely didn’t.

It goes from “baby Skye pees her pants” to “Halloween comedy routine” in a millisecond when Jacob tries to manually move his jaw to talk.

Not only does it not match the tone the movie just set, but it also makes it hard to understand him.

Since this was my first exposure to A Christmas Carol as a kid, I spent so long just trying to figure out what he says, and only after I read the book did I find out.

The Marley sequence also ends with Scrooge being bombarded with various ghosts roaming the streets of London which also wasn’t in the book and is very unneeded.

The only purpose it seems to serve is padding the runtime and trying to scare kids as much as possible. As a kid who was scared by this, I’ll tell you: mission accomplished. Speaking of unnecessarily scary moments: the end of the Ghost of Christmas Present sequence.

THE FU-!

Yeah, this movie seems to thrive on dark moments like this. The entire Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come sequence is nothing but this harsh tone from beginning to end. It goes on for so long it makes you forget this is supposed to be a Christmas movie until you see this:

Fa la la la la…Merry Christmas and die.

At the same time, the jaded adult I’ve grown into respects how unrelentingly negative this adaptation is. Especially since most children nowadays don’t have much of a chance to see something this dark that’s not rated PG-13. I also like how it’s a somewhat unconventional Christmas story as well. While most stories about the holiday are overwhelmingly positive, this one doesn’t care and doesn’t feel ashamed to jump headlong into twisted moments that kids will never forget. I know I didn’t.

On the subject of unforgettable moments, I have to go over my favorite scene in this movie. It’s this one:

My little child!

During the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come sequence, Scrooge sees a vision of the Cratchit family’s reaction to Tiny Tim’s passing. While Bob tries to keep it together for his family, he walks up the stairs (where Scrooge is sitting), briefly pauses, and lets out all his emotions.

This is a brilliant scene.

Bob has no idea Scrooge is there, so he thinks he’s opening the floodgates for no one to see. Scrooge also has nowhere to turn. He has no choice but to sit and stare at the agonizing grief his faithful clerk is experiencing. Absolutely amazing! Even with this film’s uneven tone, awkward moments, and dated animation I’ve mentioned, this scene alone makes it all worth it to me. This also wasn’t in the book, but it feels like it could’ve been which is what you want in an adaptation.

Okay, so I know I’m going back and forth on my opinion of this movie. Should you see it or should you not see it? Well, I feel like it’s perfectly fine to watch it so long as you know what you’re getting yourself into.

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This isn’t the feel good Christmas Carol you’re used to. Practically every moment of this movie has a dash of awkwardness in it that can be hard to ignore from the distracting mo-cap, the ridiculous Marley scene, the freaky-looking Christmas Past, the Ghost of Christmas Present being high on laughing gas, and the random action sequence (because that’s what A Christmas Carol needed: action).

God bless us, everyone!

As I mentioned before, this film was my introduction to A Christmas Carol as a kid. So, if I’m being honest, I have a bit of a soft spot for it. Despite its obvious flaws, the faithfulness, passion, dedication to darkness, and that one scene are what hook me.

Like in my intro, I still believe that true classics can’t be killed. Part of my issues with this movie stem from the fact that it feels like it’s trying to be the version instead of just a version. When it comes to this story, there is no such thing as the version unless you’re talking about the book. There will always be more Christmas Carols filmed and released in the years to come because the concepts presented in the original are just so thought-provoking. That’s what I mean when I say you can’t kill a true classic.

So, if you’re a true fan of the story, you might be able to appreciate this adaptation for the sheer amount of unconventional choices it makes, but I wouldn’t hold my breath. If you like the story and also hate this version, I totally get it. It’s hard to gauge my feelings on this personally since it’s so complicated.

All I’ll say is that if anything in this review has piqued your interest, feel free to take a look. If not, go ahead and forget this version exists. The world won’t fault you.

Since I’m rating this movie though, I think I’ll give it a 3/5 candlesticks. I thought for over an hour what I’d feel comfortable rating this film and I was torn for the longest time between a 2.5/5 and a 3/5. In the end I decided to go with a 3/5 strictly because of that one scene I mentioned that is very powerful and nowhere to be seen in any other version. Unfortunately I can’t rate the movie any higher on account of its other flaws, but hopefully this gives you an idea if this is the right Christmas Carol for you or not.

(I make no claim of ownership for any of the images used in this post)

(Each of them are owned entirely by their respective copyright holders, which are not me)

(I’m just a humble blogger who talks about movies, I do not make them)

(Yet)

How the Grinch Stole Christmas (2000)

Ah, it’s that time of the year again. The most wonderful time, if you’re so inclined. Because of that, I thought of no better way to celebrate then with one of Dr. Seuss’ most beloved stories: How the Grinch Stole Christmas. Oh wait, this is the crappy remake.

You might be wondering why I chose not to call this movie Dr. Seuss’ How the Grinch Stole Christmas (2000) in the title of this post. The reason is because this film in no way properly represents the ideas of Dr. Seuss. So I refuse to say this is Dr. Seuss’ story, because it isn’t. In fact, this movie seems to be ashamed it’s based on a Dr. Seuss story. If that’s the case, why not just make your own story?

Anyway, I’m sure you probably read the excerpt I wrote for this review. Yes, it’s true, this used to be my favorite Holiday film. I watched it an uncountable number of times as a kid, and even made a tradition to watch it in pieces on the days leading up to Christmas itself. Part of it was also because I share an unfortunate kinship with this movie. It came out in the year 2000 and I was born that same year around the Christmas Season. So, like it or not, I’ll always be connected to it.

All of that’s really embarrassing since I now see this movie for what it really is: a crazy, unfaithful, annoying, ugly, and drug-induced retelling of a classic story.

To be clear, I don’t blame all of it on Jim Carrey. In fact, despite how grating his character can be, I respect his physicality to work through the pounds of makeup he’s constantly covered in. If anything, that’s probably still my favorite aspect of the film. Besides that, it’s all downhill. What specifically does it get wrong, though?

Well, let’s take a trip back inside the snowflake, for some reason, and climb Mount Crumpit to find out what the deal is with How the Grinch Stole Christmas (2000).

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Before we get too far, let’s break it down. This is a 1 hour and 37 minute film based on a 25 minute long special based on a less than 30 page book. So, there’s a crap-ton of filler in this. I wouldn’t mind so much if this movie was up-front about this to begin with, but it calls itself Dr. Seuss’ How the Grinch Stole Christmas. Going in, with that title in mind, it sets us up to expect a faithful adaptation of the original story. However, the actual movie is anything but.

[NARRATOR] Inside a snowflake, like the one on your sleeve,

There happened a story you must see to believe.

I’m immediately lost.

In both the book and 1966 Boris Karloff version, Whoville was never in a snowflake, so even as a kid I didn’t understand this. There was another Dr. Seuss book, “Horton Hears a Who,” which dealt with a civilization of Whos living on a dust speck, but that’s the closest connection I can make and it still doesn’t explain the snowflake decision. In fact, there’s no real reason to do this in the first place.

Each of Dr. Seuss’ stories were self-contained and took place in their own worlds that didn’t need to be explained. Through the actions and interactions between characters, we were able to understand both what was happening and the underlying message. The whole snowflake thing just seems like a cheap way to get children more closely connected to the movie. Needless to say, it never got me to look at snowflakes differently.

Wait, we haven’t even gotten to the story yet. Don’t worry, because the movie doesn’t even get to the story until nearly an HOUR IN!

What are you even doing for the first 59 minutes?

Yeah, that hasn’t aged very well.

[ANSWERING MACHINE] You have no messages.

Odd.

I merely noticed you were improperly packaged, my dear.

Hey, stranger, won’t let you go ‘til you buy a chapeau.

[chimpanzee on PCP sounds]

[yodeling]

[uncomfortable parent noises]

Dr. Seuss, everyone.

Yeah. THIS is what takes up two thirds of the film. It’s gonna be a long movie. With that said, you now know why I won’t call this film Dr. Seuss’ How the Grinch Stole Christmas. Okay, so maybe the story isn’t the most faithful, but at least the characters are truly timeless. No, just no.

Remember how in the original there were only three characters the story touched on which kept everything more focused? Well now, let’s throw in a bunch of dead-weight characters that make this story a shadow of its former self. We of course still have the Grinch, Max the Dog, and Cindy Lou Who, but we also have several others.

There’s Cindy’s mother and father, Martha May Whovier, and Mayor Augustus May Who. What do they add? An excuse for filler.

Good golly, what’s wrong with their faces?!

…Oh, I’m being told this is to make the movie “more authentic.”

Why not just make it more authentic then?

You can make it look like the original story all you want, that doesn’t make it the original story. Sure they look similar in a side-by-side, but one of these things is not like the other:

Maybe Christmas…perhaps…means a little bit more!

Pucker up and kiss it, Whoville!

Either way, we were talking about the characters. Cindy’s father (played by Bill Irwin), Lou Lou Who (it’s very funny), is the easiest of the unneeded side characters to like. This is mostly because he’s the only one who kinda gets Dr. Seuss’ original intent behind the story. However, he still has to spell it out for the audience by the end.

I don’t need anything more for Christmas than this right here: my family.

How is the picture book aimed at kindergartners more subtle than this?

Cindy’s mother, Betty Lou Who (played by Molly Shannon), is pretty much the comic relief. Her only goal in the film is to have the best Christmas light display in Whoville and nothing ever comes of it, so why should we care? Whenever we see her, she’s usually taking her Christmas display way too seriously resulting in moments like this:

I just found the cutest light for my Christmas display.

[distant crash]

Hurry up, we’re gonna be late.

Ah, the sounds of fatal car crashes fill me with Holiday cheer…

Also, it’s probably not the best idea to carry egg nog on your head like that.

Martha May Whovier (played by Christine Baranski)…I think is high 24/7.

[MARTHA MAY] Betty!

HiiiiIIIiIiiIIiiIIiiiI.

…Oooookaaaaaayyy.

Pretty much every line she says sounds like she smoked 40 joints before shooting. I’m inclined to believe that this is an instance of misguided directing, because I recall Christine Baranski being a talented actress. Even for her relatively small role in the film Chicago I still enjoyed her performance, but this -

Did I have a crush on the Grinch? Well, of course not!

- is painful.

Also, you heard right, Martha May is the Grinch’s love interest.

Because that’s what I’d expect a hard-boiled, bitter recluse to have: a love interest.

Lastly, can we straighten the camera please?

I’m getting Battlefield Earth flashbacks.

Making Martha May the Grinch’s love interest is just a half-baked attempt at making Martha May more important to the plot. Also, to make the filler feel less like filler despite the fact it’s definitely filler. Anyway, the last character they added is the Mayor of Whoville, Augustus May Who (played uncomfortably in hindsight by Jeffrey Tambor).

This character is the easiest to dislike, because, like most unpopular politicians, he’s a pretty big jerk. He was a bully at school, he abuses his assistant, he reprimands other people’s children, and he treats women like trophies. You can’t fault good casting. I have a problem with this character because he’s more hateable than the character you’re supposed to hate. When did this character ever have a song dedicated to how bad he is? NEVER! Put some mother-loving respect on the Grinch’s name!

Besides these random people, how’re our core three? Accurately represented? Not really. I’ll start with the main man himself, the Grinch (played by Jim Carrey).

While some aspects of his original character are still there, they’re greatly exaggerated for the sake of ear-splitting humor and physical comedy. A great example of the character disconnect is what he says immediately after the close-up above. Tell me if this is something the Grinch should be saying:

I guess I could use a little…social interaction…

While that is a true statement, social interaction is great for your mental health, this is not something the Grinch should want.

In fact, it’s the exact opposite of what the Grinch should want.

The whole thing about the Grinch is that he hates the Whos and wants to stay far away from them, not throw himself into attention-grabbing mayhem. Once again, I can’t say I fault Carrey for this, he was likely just told to “do his thing” while he was on set as opposed to create a three-dimensional character. Rarely it can be funny, but since nearly all of his scenes involve him either jumping around like a kid who desperately needs Adderall or screaming like he just got circumcised, it gets annoying pretty quick.

Is my sub-zero chillibrator running? I suppose…

WeLl ThEn YoU bEtTeR gO cAtCh It!

[dying mule noises]

[rhino threat display sounds]

Maybe you need a time-out…

Yes please, do us all a favor.

The main reason I don’t blame Carrey for this is because I understand the discomfort he had to endure while on set. While you don’t see an ounce of it in the finished product, Carrey was incredibly uncomfortable acting underneath the pounds of makeup he was covered in. It was so bad that he even had to go through special training to prevent himself from going insane and every day they shot he had to remind himself “It’s for the kids…” So, in this instance, I don’t think it’s the actor.

More proof of this is the Grinch’s motivation. What was it in the original? Noise, feast, singing, screwy head, tight shoes, heart atrophy, etc. Point being: you don’t really know. I’m okay with that. The Grinch was just a grumpy guy who hated seeing people happy and wanted to put a stop to it any way he could. In the movie though, they actually try to make him relatable.

…

WHAT?!?!?!?!?

EEEWWWW, NO!

PLEASE, never show that again!

You think this is Grogu and it just isn’t.

Apparently he never had a family of his own, is a freak of nature, was bullied in school by our ever-loving Mayor, and was laughed out of class resulting in his hatred of Christmas. I think… It’s weirdly harder to follow this than the original. At least in the original it’s consistent with how mysterious his hatred of Christmas is, but here they try to make up their own backstory for him while also merging it with the original and it makes no sense.

In the movie, ever since he was born he appeared to have a clear distaste for Christmas, but for some reason this one bullying moment pushes him over the edge. Yet they keep bringing heart imagery back in as a returning object like that has some bearing on his character even when they clearly established it…doesn’t?

AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!

Sorry, I’ll focus.

Santa, bye-bye.

YES! Down a size and a half!

[mischievous laughter]

[NARRATOR] And what happened then? Well, in Whoville, they say

That the Grinch’s small heart grew three sizes that day.

I! HATE! CHRISTMAS!

So, which one is it then?

If you wanna just make your own version of the story, fine. At least I could commend you on trying something risky and it didn’t work, but go all the way with it. Don’t go halfway and call it good, that’s just lazy. Speaking of lazy: Cindy Lou Who (played by Taylor Momsen in her first role). While she has an expanded role in the film, she still leaves little impact. Sure, in the original she was just the innocent child put in to offset the Grinch’s mean personality, but they don’t add anything to it in the film.

Her role is instead to contemplate the true meaning of Christmas. Wait, isn’t that the Grinch’s job?

[shaky and whisper-y singing of “Where Are You Christmas”]

Who’s the person that said “Dr. Seuss needs more Faith Hill?”

Also, Cindy Lou can’t sing.

Yeah, the point of the original was for the Grinch to realize the true meaning of Christmas through the act of stealing it from the Whos only for the Whos to show him Christmas can’t be stolen. So…what does this add to Cindy’s character? More excuses for filler. Yeah, this movie thrives on its filler, doesn’t it? They show her trying to get the Grinch involved in the Whos’ celebrations only for it to fail at every turn. Well, those are minutes of my life I’ll never get back.

You could say she’s young and naive, but she’s actually not. Apparently she’s able to climb mountains in 5 minutes and can sneak away from her parents with ease. However, she is dumb. Despite seeing the Grinch several times before Christmas Eve, when he starts stealing Christmas, she, for some reason, doesn’t recognize him.

Santa, what’s Christmas really about?

Vengeance!

Whelp, cover blown.

[thinking] Santa’s scary…

Or not…

In the original, she had an excuse. She was 2. Now they try to make her this smart, quick-witted girl which just makes this scene even dumber. Also, showing Cindy Lou with the Grinch several times before this moment totally ruins the point of it. Cindy was never meant to be more than a passing character who tests the Grinch’s attitude, now she’s blander than Jake Lloyd.

To the movie’s very little credit, the most consistent character in the movie is Max the Dog (played primarily by Kelley).

He’s loyal (because he’s a dog), but he still prefers to enjoy Christmas and be optimistic even if his master doesn’t which is just like the original Max. Also, I have to admit that Max is the only character that can get some legitimate laughs out of me. Save for this one moment.

[GRINCH] Kiss me, you fool!

I’m now convinced that the children’s film industry exists only for adults to explore extremely specific fetishes.

To tie this review together, there are only a couple more things I’d like to talk about regarding this movie. The first is the overall look of the film. I have to admit that some of the sets can be pretty impressive and creative, but on the whole, it’s still pretty disgusting. Why? Observe the colors. Compare the colors of the poster to the colors in the actual movie:

Who smeared grime and The Matrix all over the lens?

I don’t know who the color corrector was, but they should’ve been fired. Also, just take a look at some of the images from the 1966 animated special.

Every scene, no, every image is bursting with color and personality. It practically demands your attention.

This is what a kids movie would look like if it wanted to mug you.

What kind of kid would want to watch this?

I guess I would…

With that out of the way, let’s close out this review by taking a closer look at this film’s “faithfulness.”

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I think the faithfulness of this movie can be summed up like this:

They’ll eat their Who-pudding, and rare Who roast beast

Which is something I just cannot stand in the least!

Oh no…

I’m speaking in rhyme!

Yeah, you should be!

I will admit, I’m not completely against a remake diverting from the original. There are some key caveats to this though: you need to make changes that make sense given the original’s setup, you can change the protagonist like you’re telling the same story from a different perspective, and/or the original’s message can be challenged in a way that makes you think more deeply about the original and what it means from a modern perspective. Does this movie do any of these things? I think you know the answer.

More than anything, this movie is a horrific hodgepodge of unfunny jokes, half-baked morals, insane visuals, and annoying characters. However, I’d be lying if I said I completely hate it. There was still a kid at one point who enjoyed watching this movie every year around the holidays, and that kid is still inside me a little bit. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve grown to realize the carnival of terrors this movie truly is, but because of my love for it in the past, I can’t help but feel nostalgic whenever I see it.

Do I recommend it as a heartwarming holiday flick? No. Not even a little. If you do want something good to come out of it though, I do recommend the film’s soundtrack. That’s probably my favorite thing about the movie. I’ve always been a fan of music, and despite everything else, this soundtrack is pretty Christmas-y even if the film itself most assuredly is NOT.

So if you want some holiday cheer this weekend movie night…read or watch the original.

I knew this would happen eventually, but I still wasn’t ready for it. This film gets a 1/5 Dr. Seusses (that’s the plural of Dr. Seuss). When I thought about it, there are still a few things here that I like. As I mentioned previous: Jim Carrey’s physical acting is impressive even if it gets old quick, the soundtrack is really good, the sets are ambitious though shot abysmally, and it can rarely get a laugh. Other than that, don’t bother.

(I make no claim of ownership for any of the images used in this post)

(Each of them are owned entirely by their respective copyright holders, which are not me)

(I’m just a humble blogger who talks about movies, I do not make them)

(Yet)

Annie

I sure know how to pick my movies, don’t I? You know what, I’ll just own it. Sure, my review choices make no sense half the time, but that’s what I live for. Anyway, it’s certainly been a while since I’ve seen this film. From what I recall, I don’t think there’s anything in it that stands out as being a problem or bad in any way. From its origins on Broadway to its theatrical outings, Annie has delighted several generations with its enjoyable songs, memorable characters, and charming story.

Not to mention several comparisons to its titular character. Most people, when they see me for the first time, think “more Jewish ‘Little Orphan Annie.’” Even as I get older, I can’t seem to escape that comparison. This isn’t a face-reveal, but just imagine the above picture with darker red hair, wearing glasses, a foot or two taller, and an even more vacant stare. That should give you an idea.

Despite that, what do I recall from this movie? Not much outside of the songs which are already replaying in my head as I write this. The story on the other hand eludes me a bit, but I remember the gist: an orphan gets adopted by a rich old guy and they form a strong bond together. That’s pretty much it. However, are there any layers to this story that I didn’t notice upon first viewing? Could this story be a clever parable about socioeconomic status and the nature of the United States’ adoption procedures?

Maybe, but I think y’all know by now there’s only one way to find out. Figure out why that dumb dog is following you, ‘cause it’s the hard-knock life for us in Annie.

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Before we get into the weeds, let’s go over our cast of characters in case you forgot (like me). First, there’s our main protagonist: Annie (played by Aileen Quinn in her first role). Considering the musical is named after her, you’d expect her to have a larger-than-life personality. Honestly, I misjudged how entertaining she is watching this movie again after so long, because hers is the character that really stays with you.

Much of her character is a delightful blend of contradictions. She’s rough around the edges, yet cautiously optimistic. She’s crafty and manipulative, yet naive at the same time. She’s motherly to her fellow younger orphans, yet childish too. Basically: she’s everything that parents both love and hate about kids. The kind of kid you could easily find yourself wanting to adopt. In most other instances, I’d consider this a flaw, but since this is a musical (and based off a comic strip) I give it a pass.

While you’d ideally want characters that are more grounded and realistic, realism goes out the window once people start breaking out in song and dance numbers. Also, in some cases, it even strengthens the film. Despite being a musical, the film also portrays Annie as an imperfect human using her street smarts to get herself out of tight places while sometimes creating more trouble for herself. This is considerably more relatable than if they made Annie the “perfect child.”

Alright, who’s next?

You can also see over the course of the film how Annie gradually softens due to her relationship with Mr. Warbucks.

(15 minutes in)

(49 minutes in)

(1 hour and 16 minutes in)

Both she and Mr. Warbucks go through a noticeable attitude change in the movie, and speaking of Mr. Warbucks, he’s up next.

Oliver Warbucks (played by Albert Finney) is another character intended to be a caricature of reality. Whenever you think “rich guy,” you probably think of someone like Oliver Warbucks. Billionaires like Jeff Bezos, Elon Musk, and Mark Zuckerberg may have warped your “rich guy” view, but when I was younger, the go-to “rich guy” was someone like Oliver Warbucks. The big show-off, living in a mansion studded with gold, several servants catering to his every whim, and a staunch Republican.

In fairness, it’s a bit more difficult to believe he has a softer side Annie can bring out. Since he’s so much more of a caricature than Annie is, it’s hard to believe he has a personality at all at first.

Everything’s urgent to a Democrat.

Hang her in my bathroom.

What the devil’s going on here?!

You didn’t say you wanted a boy, sir, you just said “an orphan,” so I got a girl.

I want a boy!

You get the point.

Because they go all-in on the “rich guy” satire with Mr. Warbucks, sometimes his progression from bitter tycoon to loving foster father can feel awkward. One minute he can be yelling at Sandy (Annie’s dog), the next he’s admiring Annie’s diction. Part of this is because we don’t see a whole lot of Mr. Warbucks’ and Annie’s relationship on-screen. It’s there, but there are only 3 or 4 (maybe 5) 5-10 minute scenes involving their progression before Warbucks decides he wants to keep Annie.

This might be a personal preference, but I do understand they have to take liberties when adapting a stage musical to film. Most Broadway shows can be between 2 and a half to 3 hours including an intermission, so they have to cut that down to make it digestible for moviegoers. However, they do make up for it by implying there’s more emotional development occurring off-screen. What are they showing on-screen instead? Well, another memorable character is Miss Agatha Hannigan (played by Carol Burnett).

Miss Hannigan is easily the funniest thing in this movie. That’s saying something considering Tim Curry is also in this. While she doesn’t add much to the plot, it’s a lot of fun to watch her. She’s the overworked and abusive caretaker of Hudson St. Home for Girls who hates her life, but she’s hilarious when she’s miserable.

Growing up is realizing what Miss Hannigan was actually drinking.

And she bathes in it?

Christ, woman!

Also, the orphans never miss an opportunity to stomp on her foot.

Feels good.

She adds a welcome mean-spirited edge to a film that’s pretty inoffensive otherwise (we’ll touch more on that later). Where it gets difficult to defend her as a character is when they try to make her more important by introducing her brother, Rooster (played by Tim Curry [last seen on this blog wearing high heels and making sentient adult toys in The Rocky Horror Picture Show]).

In his first appearance, he greets his sister thusly:

[squawking]

I thought Tim Curry greeted everyone like this.

Sidenote: Despite being pretty good at accents, Tim Curry’s “New York” is…okay. It’s not great, you can still tell it’s him, but I suppose it’s passable.

Rooster is a criminal who was only recently released from prison. We never find out what he did, and I’m okay with that. The only thing you need to know about Rooster though is that he’s just a setup for the climax. He, along with his girlfriend Lily (played by Bernadette Peters), are only there to feed into Miss Hannigan’s worst impulses and band together to scam Mr. Warbucks out of a bunch of money.

You can tell this is the case through the scenes they share together. What they talk about isn’t interesting, and the actors look like they’re going through the motions. Not to say that they’re not invested in the material, just that there isn’t much material for them to be invested in. Instead of looking like real people going about their daily lives, they look and sound like actors fulfilling a quota. That’s one thing I can’t stand for: making Tim Curry boring.

Sis, this very afternoon, I put me $10 on the nose of a beautiful horse, 8-1. Sure enough, the scum-bum took off and whipped the pack.

Oh come on, sis, this is gonna be the best bunko job ever. All we need are details. 

I feel perfectly comfortable saying I don’t care. 

I never thought I’d say this, but bring back Tim Curry’s Home Alone 2 performance.

Even the song they sing called “Easy Street,” while catchy, goes on too long. When you thought you’d actually enjoy something these characters did together, they overstay their welcome. As far as characters go, you can easily cut Rooster and Lily.

There are a couple other characters that should be mentioned before moving on: that being Mr. Warbucks’ assistant Grace Farrell (played by Ann Reinking), and Mr. Warbucks’ most dedicated servant Punjab (played by Geoffrey Holder).

Grace is the one that gets more screentime and is more of a character than Punjab, but she still, essentially, has one purpose: to convince Mr. Warbucks to keep Annie. Much like Annie, Grace is quick on her feet and considerably smarter than Warbucks, but just being an older version of the protagonist doesn’t make you important.

If the movie showed Grace and Warbucks getting closer to each other throughout the film along with the Annie relationship, then it might make a bit more sense. Annie’s personality radiates through multiple people in the film, so it would make sense. There are moments of Grace and Warbucks interacting and learning more about each other, but they’re few and far between. The focus is still on Annie.

Then there’s Punjab. So…about this movie being mostly inoffensive...

I’m not saying Punjab is necessarily a bad character, but…tell me he’s not the least bit racially problematic. I mean come on, with the turban, how he’s the only character that can use magic, the fact he’s a servant, the snake charmer music that only appears when he’s on screen, and the fact his name is Punjab.

With that being said, he is, at least, a very nice guy. He takes a liking to Annie pretty quickly, takes great pride in his work, and is the character who saves the day at the end. Although, giving him good things to do doesn’t make up for the racial stuff. I shouldn’t have to say that, but here we are.

So those are the characters, but wait, this is a musical. How’re the songs? In all fairness, the songs are pretty good. They’re catchy, hummable, lively, and there isn’t one I don’t like. I like some more than others, but there isn’t one I entirely dislike. Even after several years, it’s easy to see why this story became beloved by so many. With songs like “It’s the Hard-Knock Life” and “Tomorrow,” this musical goes from a mostly safe and standard one to an instant classic.

Oh, they also meet FDR and Eleanor Roosevelt.

Each of the songs creates the film’s tone which I can only describe as “feel-good.” It’s a very feel-good movie which feels odd considering this is the same movie that has an abusive orphanage caretaker. Speaking of that, I should probably take a look at the weirdest element of this film: the climax.

Yeah, Rooster and Lily are back.

Rooster and Lily scam Warbucks into thinking they’re Annie’s real parents and he pays them a hefty sum of money to take her away. Annie escapes, tears up the check Warbucks wrote, and Rooster gets blood-hungry.

[ROOSTER] I’ll kill you! I’ll kill you, you little brat. I’ll kill you!

He’s really gonna kill her…

Once again, we never know why Rooster went to jail in the first place.

While this is going on, Warbucks finds out he’s been duped and assembles a team to search for Annie. Annie climbs a raised bridge to get away from Rooster, and Punjab comes to the rescue.

This is the same feel-good musical we were talking about earlier, right?

Because this has more of a spy-thriller vibe. 

People all across the globe remember where they were when they saw the thrilling climax of…Annie. That’s the thing, a story like this doesn’t need an over-the-top climax. A more down-to-earth and relatable climax pertaining to Warbucks and Annie’s relationship would’ve worked much better considering it matches the tone and themes the story set up. I actually enjoy this movie most when it’s focusing on their relationship, not when it’s trying to be Spy Kids: The Early Years.

This is also why Rooster and Lily are pointless characters. As I said before, they were only there so you wouldn’t be confused during the climax, but as I also said, the climax doesn’t work as is. If the filmmakers took my advice and redid the climax, Rooster and Lily would be completely unneeded, which also frees up some more time to focus on things like Annie, Warbucks, and Grace.

Outside of that, that’s pretty much the whole movie. Taking all this into account, what’s my verdict? Well, I’ll tell you.

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Despite some of the problems I have, I still like this movie. For the most part, it knows what it wants to do and it does it pretty well. By the end I felt more like a kid and even felt happier. The songs will likely be stuck in my head until next week, and I don’t think there’s anything especially negative to take away from the film (save for the Punjab stuff).

It unfortunately can feel boring at times. The movie’s focus gets derailed by Miss Hannigan or occasionally drawn out moments including the movie theater scene and the “Easy Street” sequence. The story isn’t the most complex or interesting, and, of course, the climax that completely doesn’t match the film’s tone. Overall, I’d still say the movie is worth it if only for the songs and nothing else. Heck, even if you haven’t seen this before, you’ve probably heard some of the songs here and there.

All of it comes together to create something flawed yet charming. Isn’t that basically what childhood is? There’s nothing especially harmful here (outside of the Punjab stuff), so you could show it to your kids fine and I’m sure they’ll probably enjoy it. If you’re an adult, it might help you relive some fun childhood moments and cheer you up when you’re feeling down. So if you’re up for it, pop in Annie this weekend movie night and surrender yourself to good vibes and fun times.

I’ll give this movie a 3/5 leaping lizards. Honestly, I have a bit of a soft spot for this film, but even then I can only get into it so much. Oftentimes I have to be in the right mood to get into it, but by the time it’s over, I’m always glad I saw it. If the boring moments are too boring for you, I totally get it, and that’s also why I can’t rate it much higher. I still feel like this movie is at least a half hour too long.

(I make no claim of ownership for any of the images used in this post)

(Each of them are owned entirely by their respective copyright holders, which are not me)

(I’m just a humble blogger who talks about movies, I do not make them)

(Yet)

Glass

Disclaimer:

The movie I’m reviewing is rated: PG-13

Be mindful that some inappropriate content will be included in this post.

Also: SPOILERS!!!

The boys are back! And together this time! Yeah, this movie was…eh. At best. It was a bit impressive how they were able to bring back all the original actors from both Unbreakable and Split for this mediocre showdown, but that’s about as impressive as this movie gets. To be fair, I haven’t had much time to go over the details of this movie, but that’s why I wanted to cover it. On account of me not knowing this film existed until two weeks ago, it seemed in keeping with Shyamalan’s favorite trope to cover it anyway.

Beyond that, is there anything I liked about the film? I’m legit asking. Mostly what I thought watching it for the first time was that it wasn’t dumb (for the most part), but just inoffensive and safe. Translation: it didn’t leave an impression on me. I suppose the ending was surprising, considering the choice most filmmakers would’ve made given the setup, but unlike Unbreakable, I’m not sure if it makes up for the rest of the film.

Am I biased, though? Is my opinion of the previous movie coloring my opinion of this one? Possibly, but let’s take a look. Punch through that metal door and grab your super-capes as we look into Glass.

---

Look at you all. My name is Patricia.

How has no one caught Kevin yet?

Considering how much info the media knew about Kevin at the end of the last movie, you’d expect the cops would be hot on his heels. Because, of course, if you know that much about someone (their full name, where they worked, their base of operations, their appearance, and what mental disorders they suffer from) you won’t catch them within a week or two. Not to mention, this movie came out 2 years after the last one. If this is also expected to take place in modern day, this is just dumb.

Kevin (played again by James McAvoy) is also at the mercy of his other identities (according to the movie’s logic), so unless he spontaneously developed another identity specifically to keep him from being caught (which is highly unlikely), this doesn’t work. None of Kevin’s other personalities seem very well-equipped to elude the police in any way, shape, or form, so how has he managed 2 years without being caught? Regardless, it doesn’t bode well for the rest of the movie that I have this many gripes 90 seconds in.

I will admit, it gets a bit cooler when we see David Dunn (played again by Bruce Willis) return and take out some low-level criminals.

Who’s there?

I’m Batman. Wait…shit.

Honestly though, that’s about as interesting as this movie gets: kinda cool. It is a novel feeling to see all these characters together in the same movie, but that’s pretty much it. We’ll get into more detail later, but for now, they also brought back unexpected actors like David’s son, Joseph (played again by Spencer Treat Clark).

Casey Cooke (played again by Anya Taylor-Joy) returns, but is thankfully shoved into a supporting role.

Last, Elijah’s mother makes a comeback, an-

- oh, my God.

That’s embarrassing.

That’s really embarrassing.

I mean, the aging effects they used on her in the first movie were already kinda weird, but this just takes it to a whole new level. At this point, she looks younger than her supposed son. That feels…very wrong.

Also, Elijah himself (played again by Samuel L. Jackson) makes his comeback as well. Awesome! Everyone’s here! Now what? Well, at first we have David running into Kevin while out on patrol which leads David to Kevin’s hideout. Him and The Beast have a short-lived - yet cool - battle, only to be caught by the authorities and taken to Elijah’s mental institution. What follows is basically a bizarro-version of Unbreakable. So it’s really not worth repeating.

Now we’re treated to Dr. Ellie Staple (played by Sarah Paulson) who is basically all of Shyamalan’s over-indulgent writing in one character.

I specialize in those individuals who believe they are superheroes. 

Because there’s a lot of those out there.

Despite Sarah Paulson being a pretty good actress, Dr. Staple is easily the dumbest part of this movie. Every time she opens her mouth I just want to punch her in the face. She uses the most exorbitant words in the English Dictionary to make the movie sound more important, is so far up her own ass I’m sure she can smell what she had for breakfast, and worst of all, she repeats everything from the first movie.

I understand that the three of you think you are superhuman. That you don’t think you are normal. You’ve convinced yourselves you have extraordinary gifts, like something out of a comic book. I am here to discuss the possibility that you are mistaken.

This is what takes up the majority of the film: redoing Unbreakable. WHY?! We already saw Unbreakable and it was much better than this. In fact, none of the characters have anything original going on with them. Let’s look at the breakdown:

• David needs to convince himself he’s a superhero.

  • Saw that. (Unbreakable)

• Elijah needs to have a purpose and know that he wasn’t a mistake.

  • Been done. (Unbreakable)

• The Horde needs to unleash The Beast on humanity and cleanse the “impure.”

  • Yawn. (Split)

• Joseph needs his father to be a superhero so he can help him and feel important.

  • Broken record. (Unbreakable)

• Casey needs to connect with Kevin to prevent The Beast from destroying society.

  • Did you even watch your own series?! (Split)

I guess there’s a couple new things. Elijah’s mom has a bit more of an expanded role, though she’s basically just the “Caring Mother” trope. Also, David’s wife/Joseph’s mom is dead. What does this add to the story? Proof that this was a Disney collaboration. I know I answered my own question, shut up. Besides that, it’s pretty lame. There are some scenes that can be kinda cool, I guess, like when an orderly forces Kevin to rapidly switch between identities.

D’ya know what woulda happen’d if she ‘ad gottin to that key, ya gobshite? 

You can call me Norma. I am sorry about the whole lying thing, though.

We almost got you, bro!

Where is the man in the rain poncho?

While James McAvoy is still awesome, this scene is overall pointless.

It doesn’t add anything and logically shouldn’t have happened in the first place.

There’s also this thing where Elijah doesn’t speak for the first half of the movie.

“Did they just ask Sam Jackson to do his best Stephen Hawking impression?” ~ My Sister

Since we go so long without hearing his voice, it is a bit jarring when another orderly threatens to break his leg because he thinks he’s faking.

If, by mistake, I drop this heavy flashlight on your paper legs…

Have you been getting out of your room, Elijah?

While it’s a tense moment, as soon as you think about it, it falls apart.

“Has Elijah been getting out of his room,” isn’t that what cameras are for?

Also, if you’ve seen Unbreakable, you know Elijah’s faking.

Remember that one scene in the back of the comic book store?

Also, before we discuss the climax, let’s go over one last major issue I have: Kevin’s relationship to everything. How is his story in any way related to David and Elijah’s? Remember when Dr. Staple said this?

I specialize in those individuals who believe they are superheroes.

Since when did Kevin’s story have anything to do with superheroes?

From minute one, Kevin’s story has always been about him and his relationship with DID, not comics. Never did Split indicate a connection between Kevin and comics or convey a comic book tone. This is also why I think the decision to make Split a surprise sequel to Unbreakable was not a good choice. Since the movie spent so much time trying to blow your mind at the fact it was a sequel to a movie over a decade old, it lost time creating connections between the two films.

Think about it, what do Unbreakable and Split really have in common? When I looked at both films, I did so in their own context and not in relation to each other. This is because, for the most part, they are their own movies. If the intention was always to make a three-part series, then having an out of nowhere side-story in the middle of it makes everything more confusing. That’s pretty much what Split is to the series: an out of nowhere side-story in the middle of the narrative.

However, instead of treating it that way, the movie acts like Split was always an essential part of this series.

Thith plathe ith for people who think they’re comic book characterth. And “The Horde” ith kinda like a comic book character name idn’it? 

Oh yeah, and Casey’s into comics now.

Despite the fact it doesn’t match her character at all.

I don’t know about thethe other guyth, but we are like a thuperhero. We’re like “Duh du-du-duh!” We’re not crathy!

No, movie, you can’t just say the last film had deeper connections with the first after the fact, you have to actually prove it in the movie itself. Anyway, with that out of the way, the climax is probably my favorite part of the film. This is mostly because the film becomes its own thing instead of just copying what Unbreakable did. It starts with Elijah breaking The Horde out of their cell and getting himself a sweet new pair o’ duds.

Now I know this is a comic book movie.

Also, Elijah’s got a pretty sick suit.

Check out his bling!

That’s my man, MG!

I just wanna eat him up.

Sidenote: this random orderly’s “getting crushed to death” acting is surprisingly good.

If this was the whole movie, I think I’d be satisfied.

I could watch this for hours.

Elijah also taunts David to come out of his cell, though David is still questioning if he’s actually a superhero or not -

- and eventually this results in a final showdown outside the institution.

Much of this fight is pretty well-choreographed and fun to watch, although there are a few hiccups here and there. Mostly in regards to Bruce Willis doing an action scene at his age. I, of course, don’t blame Willis for this, he can’t control the passage of time, I blame the filmmakers for not subbing him out with a stunt double, doing this movie nearly two decades after the release of the original film, or both. Because Willis is older now, some of his fighting moves can seem sluggish and even a bit weak.

It’s actually surprising when he manages to put a huge dent in an armored van using a punch I’d probably throw.

Once our three side characters (Joseph, Casey, and Elijah’s mom) come to intervene, Joseph reveals that Kevin’s dad was on the same train David was in the first film.

So, Elijah killed Kevin’s dad. 

This is, surprisingly, not the twist.

The Beast then turns on Elijah and does quite a number on him.

I know he deserves it, but Jackson’s acting just makes it look so painful.

Also, I can’t stay mad at Elijah.

Look at that smile!

Eventually, the Institution’s security gets their act together and gangs up on both The Beast and David. One of them drags David over to a puddle and starts to drown him in his arch-nemesis.

WATER!

Hey, “Mr. Drownypants” has a clover tattoo…

Is he a leprechaun?

Meanwhile, Casey gets in touch with The Beast and calls Kevin back. She calls Kevin back just long enough for him to get shot by another security guard.

I think I know the twist…

Someone stole their pot o’ gold.

If Warwick Davis doesn’t make a cameo at this point, I’m gonna be very disappointed.

It seems David and Kevin are out, but maybe Elijah’s gonna be okay -

Oh, well maybe not.

So, yeah. Everyone’s dying. I’m sure this is exactly how you thought this movie was gonna end. When I first saw this, I thought that it was a pretty bold choice. To the movie’s credit, it is. Considering how most other films would try to find some excuse to have their main characters survive, that is worth something. However, it only works if it ends up meaning something. So, what does it mean? Remember when I said Dr. Staple was the dumbest part of this movie. Well - observe the twist:

David, take my hand!

What am I even looking at?

The red hair, I should’ve known!

You want to hear the explanation? Alright, here goes: Dr. Ellie Staple isn’t actually a doctor, she’s a member of a secret organization designed to cover up the existence of people with super abilities. This organization has apparently been around for over 10,000 years. Also, their calling card is the clover tattoo. For some reason.

No. Just, no.

First, there were no clues or hints about this organization in the film leading up to now. Second, there were no clues or hints to this organization’s existence in either of the two previous films. Third, WHY?! What’s the point?! What part of this organization’s existence helps us understand more about the message, characters, story, or series as a whole? I’ll tell you: nothing! Shyamalan is just playing Shyamalan Bingo with himself. Can this guy ever tell a straightforward story?

One thing that does give me joy is that apparently this organization is bad at their job. The whole time David and The Beast were fighting, the security cameras were recording it and Elijah streamed the surveillance footage to a secondary website.

What have you done, Elijah?

No, what have you done, ya idiot?

You had one job!

[screaming]

10,000 years down the drain, how does it feel?

I hear she could get the guillotine for this.

So the movie ends with the few characters who survived (Joseph, Casey, and Elijah’s mom) posting the rest of the surveillance footage online for the public to see, and we zoom out with society learning about the existence of superheroes.

All joking aside, I think this zoom out is pretty cool.

If you watch carefully, you can see each extra taking out their phones to see the news and having their own unique reactions.

Although, was that all this series was amounting to? People learning of the existence of superheroes? I don’t know, it seems kinda underwhelming. Not just because this is the last movie in the series, but since you literally killed everybody, this needed to go out on a stronger note.

---

I tried getting into it, but I just can’t. Given the scope of how awful Shyamalan films can get, this one isn’t one of his worst, but it’s very skippable. Outside of the climax and those few scenes here and there, there isn’t much to enjoy. I still can’t understand why the objective of this film was to repeat the entirety of Unbreakable’s themes when that film already did them and much better.

In fact, after I watched Unbreakable for the first time, I was excited to see a sequel to it that went all in on comic themes and tone culminating in a final showdown between the hero (David) and his arch nemesis (Elijah). If that’s what you’re looking for, that’s technically in this movie, but it takes a while to get there since Glass is also the longest film in the series at 2 hours and 8 minutes.

I suppose if you were a fan of Unbreakable and absolutely despise change, then you’ll probably like it fine. For my time, I’d rather just watch the original again. So if you’re ready for the showdown of the series in the last 20 minutes of this 2 hour film, then prepare yourselves for this action-packed weekend movie night with Glass.

With all the repeating going on here, I can’t help but give this movie a 1.5/5 Superman comics. Maybe if I zoned out with the movie in the background for the first hour and 35 minutes then I’d consider giving it a 2/5, but since I didn’t, I won’t.

(I make no claim of ownership for any of the images used in this post)

(Each of them are owned entirely by their respective copyright holders, which are not me)

(I’m just a humble blogger who talks about movies, I do not make them)

(Yet)

Split

Disclaimer:

The movie I’m looking at this week is rated: PG-13

Be aware that some content in this film will not be suitable for younger audiences.

Also: SPOILERS!!!

So…I don’t know. Legit, I just don’t know. Not to say that I think this movie is bad, necessarily, I just don’t know what to say here. I’ve seen this film once before, but even after the credits rolled I didn’t feel like it left that big of an impact on me.

In all honesty, one of the biggest things I was focused on while watching was the wildly inaccurate depiction of DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder) being displayed on screen which kept me from being fully immersed in the action. While James McAvoy does a brilliant job in this movie, the film’s tone heavily demonizes DID which is something I can’t approve.

People with mental illnesses are considerably more likely to be the victims of violence, not the perpetrators.

Looking past this major uncomfortable element, is there anything else to enjoy in this movie? Outside of McAvoy’s stunning performance, I can’t think of much else. Let’s get into it anyway.

Repress that childhood trauma and keep your wits about you in this review of Split.

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Thankfully this movie doesn’t open with some indulgent text about the nature of mental illness. Instead we get this opening shot of our main protagonist named Casey Cooke (played by Anya Taylor-Joy) vacantly looking out the window of this restaurant at a classmate’s birthday party. Since nobody cares, I’ll just cut to the part where Casey, the birthday girl Claire (played by Haley Lu Richardson), and Claire’s friend Marcia (played by Jessica Sula) get kidnapped.

This is where we’ll spend the vast majority of the film.

Before I get too carried away with the details of the story, let’s look at the acting and focus. For what it’s worth, the acting from the three girls is pretty convincing and makes the situation feel realer. What’s unfortunate about it is that Claire and Marcia don’t get nearly as much focus as Casey. I can say that, for what I see, the acting of these two characters is well done, but they don’t get enough time to make a definitive impression.

Of course, filmmakers shouldn’t be discouraged from having a focus. After all, that’s how stories get messages across. It just would’ve been more interesting to see some variety from Shyamalan. Too often we see two, maybe three, characters steal the spotlight in his films while every other character recedes into the background. Speaking of which, the two characters we’re focusing on for this outing are Casey Cooke (as mentioned previous) and the kidnapper (played by James McAvoy).

Casey doesn’t talk much, but I suppose she’s relatable…enough. She seems to be the captive that’s most dedicated to escaping, has a way of endearing herself to her captor, and uses her intellect to come up with plans. Most of this is just portrayed through Anya Taylor-Joy’s performance as well. However, compared to James McAvoy, she’s practically invisible.

McAvoy truly delivers a career-defining performance in this movie and is the primary reason to watch it. As the kidnapper, his character is diagnosed with DID and has various alters that appear throughout the film. Just through subtle body language, vocal variations, and mannerisms, McAvoy manages to portray the appearance of a completely different identity and it’s astounding to watch. Here are only a few of the personalities that appear in the movie:

Dennis (the clean freak),

Barry (the fashionista),

Patricia (the matriarch),

and Hedwig (the child).

Each of them play some role in defining who the person underneath these alters is supposed to be which we’ll get to later. For now, though, let’s talk about Casey’s flashbacks.

At various points in the movie, it’ll randomly cut back to a moment of Casey when she was younger. They show how she was close with her father, went hunting with him and her uncle, and how creepy her uncle is. My question: are any of these scenes needed? I suppose they aide in having us feel sympathetic toward Casey, but in present day she’s already kidnapped. If it’s to show how she became so resourceful and how much she’s suffered, both of those could be implied or quickly explained.

In the scene where Claire and Marcia are brainstorming ways to take down their kidnapper, they could’ve asked each other if they had any skills that could help and Casey could’ve disclosed her hunting background then. Also, when it comes to the abuse Casey suffered at the hands of her uncle, we see her scars at the end of the movie anyway.

Also, the movie mentioned in the opening how Casey is a loner at school: intentionally getting detention to avoid going home, yelling at teachers, and straight up running away from home on multiple occasions. Given this information, and her attitude throughout the movie, we could infer that her home life isn’t great. We don’t need it spelled out for us.

The reason I’m going into so much detail about this is because Casey’s flashbacks add an additional 15-30 minutes to the movie that don’t need to be there. The runtime is 1 hour and 57 minutes, so if you cut out the Casey crap we don’t need, it’d probably go down to an hour 45 or an hour and a half. It would be great if blockbuster films had a bit more respect for our time. While I’ve said it in the past, I’d like to reiterate that I don’t have anything against long movies, they just need a reason to be long.

With that said, a huge element I’d like to go over is the portrayal of DID in the film.

We’re eventually introduced to the kidnapper’s therapist named Dr. Karen Fletcher (played by Betty Buckley) which muddies the waters more in terms of accurate representation. To their credit, the filmmakers introduce her to humanize the kidnapper by showing him empathy and understanding (until she finds out he’s a kidnapper). We also learn through her that the kidnapper’s name is Kevin. However, it gets uncomfortable when Dr. Fletcher starts making claims.

One identity in an individual with Dissociative Identity Disorder can have high cholesterol. One. There have been cases where one identity is allergic to bee stings. The others are not.

Are there moments where two identities can coexist at the same time?

There are times when two identities can “take the light,” or “the spot,” or consciousness at the same time.

Not to say that these scenarios aren’t possible in actual DID patients, it’s just that, from the research I’ve done on the subject so far, it seems that most of these concepts are theoretical. In regards to two identities inhabiting the body at the same time, that is actually possible and is called “co-consciousness” or “co-fronting” (DIDResearch). However, body chemistry altering due to the presence of a specific alter is technically possible, but yet to be definitively proven.

That’s more or less what happens throughout the movie. In the first half to two-thirds of the film, DID is played pretty accurately. People who are diagnosed experience time loss after an alter has inhabited the body, there’s no real limit on the number of alters a person can have (so long as there’s at least 1 [Kevin has 23]), and the disorder stems from severe childhood trauma (PsiChi). Eventually it ends up spiraling into nonsense, but that’s later.

At the very least the movie portrays Kevin as human which is commendable. It’s just that Kevin is the victim of the evil DID. No, movie. DID is not evil and it doesn’t hurt people.

People with mental illnesses are far more likely to be the victims of violence and not the perpetrators.

Over time, we’ll also hear more and more discussions about “The Beast.” What is The Beast? It’s supposedly Kevin’s 24th alter that’s developed to cleanse the world of the “impure” people who’ve never suffered in their lives. That’s the dumb I was waiting for. Thanks, Shyamalan. Speaking of which, where is he?

Ah, there he is.

Despite these dumb moments, I just want to touch on the last thing I enjoy about this movie: Hedwig.

I have red thockth.

He’s Kevin’s alter that’s 9 years old and he’s pretty fun to watch. James McAvoy plays this role both hilariously and surprisingly emotional.

You might be pregnant now.

Mith Patricia thinkth I’m…she thinkth I’m thtupid.

He also has a catch-phrase.

Et thetera (cetera). 

It’s pretty good, but to be honest, as far as catchphrases go, it’s not that memorable. For example:

You know exactly what I mean just with this image.

The first thing you think of when you see this picture isn’t “Et thetera.”

It’s probably “Professor X on X-tasy.”

Anyway, now comes the very stupid parts of the film. Like I said: after repeated mentions of The Beast, multiple Casey escape attempts, unneeded flashbacks to Casey’s childhood, and meetings with Dr. Fletcher, the doctor eventually makes a house call. There she finds Dennis who gives another questionable take on DID. He mentions a case of a woman in Germany who was blind, but her alters could see. That sounds really outlandish to me, but I’m also not an expert. Dr. Fletcher also finds the girls.

Dennis subdues the doctor, because after getting some major “get out” vibes from Dennis, her first thought wasn’t to just leave. Eventually The Beast makes his debut and kills Dr. Fletcher with his super strength.

No (Common Sense).

It’s safe to say that this movie has not only jumped over that shark, but did a flip in the air. From here on, it just keeps getting crazier and doesn’t let up. Casey escapes only to find Claire and Marcia partially eaten by The Beast, The Beast climbs up the walls like God-damned Spider-Man, he survives 2 direct shotgun blasts to the abdomen, and bends the bars of the cell Casey trapped herself in for protection immediately after.

NO (Common Sense)!

It’s only after The Beast sees Casey’s scars from her uncle’s abuse that he makes the choice to let her go. In his eyes, she’s “pure” for having suffered. What about Claire and Marcia? You don’t have any proof that they didn’t suffer. Also, after having been kidnapped, wouldn’t that count as “suffering?” Anyway, the movie winds down when the next day a random dude comes across Casey in the cell. It turns out this was all taking place underneath a zoo.

Wait a minute! How the HELL did they not get discovered by any of the zoo staff this whole time? How often does security check these tunnels? This is the worst zoo in the world, because clearly Kevin and his alters managed to make a whole setup down here with a kitchen, bathroom, Hewig’s bedroom, and walk-in closet without ANYONE NOTICING. That is so stupid. What’s worse, The Beast persona was supposed to be a conglomeration of every animal in the zoo.

NO!

Reports even indicate one of his personalities is an amalgam of the various animals in the Philadelphia Zoo where he worked. 

You know, an easy way to make this more believable is if you slapped the Fox News logo in the bottom corner.

Because of this incident, people start calling Kevin “The Horde” due to his disorder. Clearly this movie is making great strides in DID representation. Every Shyamalan movie has a twist though, and what’s the twist?

This is like that crazy guy in the wheelchair that they put away 15 years ago. And they gave him a funny name, too. What was it?

[MAN] Mr. Glass.

That’s right!

This was a sequel to Unbreakable the whole time.

Kinda underwhelming when you think about it.

So, in good Shayamalan films the ending usually makes the whole experience worth it. Here, though, it actually ruins it.

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In the case of my Unbreakable review, I cut out a lot of details because they were often small. Not that they weren’t moving the plot forward, but they were just small, and they work better when you actually watch the movie. In Split’s case, many of the details I excluded just weren’t needed. Either they were slower just for the sake of it, or they weren’t progressing anything plot-wise or character-wise.

To be fair, there are some good elements I didn’t include that I actually liked. When Kevin makes his first appearance as himself after Casey calls his name, he notices he killed Dr. Fletcher, and asks Casey to kill him. It’s a pretty emotional moment, and is acted very well. Also, it’s hinted at that Dr. Fletcher’s constant praise may have helped create The Beast’s ideology. These are interesting concepts on their own, but in conjunction with that ending, it really drives me up a wall. Much like The Beast.

Despite a reasonably grounded portrayal of DID in the first half to two-thirds, the movie completely tosses that out in the end for the sake of “movie.” To some degree, I get it. This is a thriller, you gotta have a suspenseful climax, but they could’ve handled it way better. Where it gets difficult to defend is also in the case of Dr. Fletcher’s character.

As a “professional,” even though it’s a movie, many viewers could watch it and believe her claims which can be damaging to real people with DID. With Unbreakable, it deals with fantastical elements, but they’re tied to psychological tropes, too. These characters may have special abilities, but that could just be in their own heads which is what causes them to go back-and-forth on it so much making the progression feel more real. In Split, the “fantastical” element is the antagonist having DID.

Mental illness is not magic/comic stuff, it’s a real thing.

It’s also something that, unfortunately, isn’t as understood as it should be. Because of this, if you’re going to touch on this subject, you really have to know what you’re doing. If you wanted to make a thriller centering around a character with DID, you could’ve made it about how the world views them because of their disorder and the trouble they find themselves in because of it. That would’ve been both suspenseful and real. It also would’ve been an easy way to get us to sympathize with that character.

Instead, this movie takes the easy way out. The person with the mental disorder does all the bad stuff, because: mental disorder. For this reason, I can’t get behind this movie. If you’re just looking for a stellar James McAvoy performance this weekend, then this is exactly what you’ve been waiting for, but I probably won’t be watching it again for a while.

I’m going to rate this movie a 2.5/5 “Et theteras.” Believe me, it was really hard for me to come up with a rating for this movie, mostly because I mentioned how there are things I like about it. The absolute highest I’d feel comfortable rating it would be a 3/5, but because of the dumb moments (not just dumb, but damaging) I thought this would be a good compromise.

Did you think it wath a real window…tho you could leave, et thetera?

(I make no claim of ownership for any of the images used in this post)

(Each of them are owned entirely by their respective copyright holders, which are not me)

(I’m just a humble blogger who talks about movies, I do not make them)

(Yet)

Unbreakable

Disclaimer:

The movie I’ll be reviewing this week is rated: PG-13

Some content herein will be unsuitable for children.

Also: SPOILERS!!!

Let’s just get this straight from the start: I know I’ve made quite a few jokes at M. Night Shyamalan’s expense. To be fair, Shyamalan is one of those filmmakers that’s pretty easy to poke fun at. Although, I will admit that he has made some good movies too. Unbreakable is one I’d consider to be good. While not the best movie M. Night Shyamalan has ever made (that title belongs to Lady in the Water [in case it wasn’t clear, that was sarcasm]), it’s still a film that makes me think and makes me glad I watched it.

To me it manages to raise interesting questions about the nature of how one’s born, if our characteristics that make us special are gifts or curses, and if that same uniqueness should define us as people. While each of these are very thought-provoking ideas, I can’t speak to much of the movie’s details as of now. It’s been a minute since I’ve seen it last and much of the smaller scenes are a bit of a blur.

It’s possible that the movie didn’t do enough to help the smaller moments stand out, or I could just not have paid attention enough the last time I saw it. Because of that, I can’t give as comprehensive of an intro as I’d like. That doesn’t mean I can’t watch the movie again and give y’all a more detailed picture of my thoughts afterwards. So, who’s ready? I’m ready!

Let’s crack into this bone-shattering experience with M. Night Shyamalan’s Unbreakable.

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How do you know this is a Shyamalan film?

Reading.

Also, there isn’t much of a reason to have this text here anyway. Sure we learn Elijah’s passion is comics, but it would’ve been nicer if we figured it out organically. This is the equivalent of opening The Godfather with a random Snapple cap fact. I suppose it’s interesting, but it’s not needed. Where were we?

Did you drop this baby?

Umm…

Also, another common Shyamalan-ism: the unnecessary one-take. What we’re watching here is the birth of what will eventually be one of the main characters: Elijah Price. He has a genetic disorder which makes his bones less sturdy than other people, so when he was born he broke his arms and legs. I like this intro, not just because it gives us a preview of how difficult this character’s life must be, but mainly because it gives us the film’s thesis immediately.

This character is defined by this disorder. Is that fair?

While we ruminate on that, we then see our official protagonist, David Dunn (played by Bruce Willis), sitting on a train. After being approached by a random woman, we see him remove his wedding ring. Shyamalan trope #3: couple’s therapy. May as well get these out of the way early. Also, what’s up with this camera shot?

It just goes back and forth between the two characters while they talk like a 5th grader learning how to use their phone camera for the first time.

Why did they shoot it like this?

Honestly, it’s kinda goofy.

Dunn’s flirting attempts fail, thankfully, and God decides to cut the awkwardness of this scene by crashing the train. Thanks, God. Miraculously though, David Dunn is completely unharmed.

Your train derailed […] You didn’t break one bone. You don’t have a scratch on you.

Curious.

Also, while I believe most of Shyamalan’s one-takes are unnecessary, this one is done pretty well. It helps to create an uncomfortable environment just through a single sustained shot and this image in particular -

watching the blood blossom underneath the medical wrappings is super unnerving.

However, it’s once David is reunited with his family - his son, Joseph (played by Spencer Treat Clark), and his wife, Audrey (played by Robin Wright) - that things start to slow down considerably. I suppose we catch a bit of what their family dynamic is like and we see a memorial for the victims of the train wreck, but that’s pretty much it.

More Shyamalan tropes: talking directly into the camera.

One more and I’ll have Shyamalan bingo.

The next most interesting thing that happens in the movie is when David receives an anonymous letter from “Limited Edition” asking him how many times he’s been sick. Riveting. All joking aside, it does get intriguing after our second main character, Elijah Price (played by Samuel L. Jackson), is officially introduced. Over the course of his childhood, since he couldn’t play like other children, he spent most of his time separated from the world both physically and mentally through his interest in comics.

This also helps show just how sheltered Elijah has been all his life, because he views the world through the lens of a comic book.

He now owns an art gallery, “Limited Edition,” dedicated to comic art. Also, don’t you dare undermine his craft, because he will come after you. That being said, despite the fact Samuel L. Jackson is known for being highly energetic and vocally present in his roles, this is one where he’s considerably more reserved. Not to say it’s bad, but you can hear a substantial difference between his voice in this role and one like Jules from Pulp Fiction.

Considering Elijah’s character, it was a good choice because it helps indicate how reserved and inactive he’s had to be for the majority of his life due to his condition. However, it’s still clear that deep down he’s wanting to break free of this label he’s been forced into in any way possible. Most of this is due to Jackson’s acting pedigree. We’ll touch more on that later.

For now, David meets Elijah at his art gallery where we learn that Elijah has a theory. Due to Elijah’s very weak bone structure, he’s come to believe that there’s likely a person in the world that has such a strong bone structure that they cannot be harmed in any way. A physically “unbreakable” human-being. I guess that makes sense, but it is still a bit of a stretch. I don’t blame the movie for this though, I totally understand why Elijah would believe this. David is assumed to be that person, and…not a whole lot else happens.

Basically, from here until the climax, it’s just figuring out if David is the “unbreakable” human Elijah’s been looking for or not. Did David ever get sick before? Was he injured in the accident he was in years ago? How does his near-drowning factor into all this? It’s honestly both a pro and a con in the grand scheme of things.

It’s a pro because despite having a clearly comic book-y story, it doesn’t feel comic book-y. By having a consistently slow, and even slice-of-life, pacing for the majority of the film, it helps make the idea of actual genetic superheroes somewhat plausible in our reality.

However, it’s a con too, because I know there are several moviegoers that just won’t be able to get into it. The slow pacing is either going to work for you or it isn’t. Despite liking this movie myself, I have to admit that after rewatching it, it was difficult to get through in places. Several scenes I completely forgot existed, and it felt longer than it actually was: 1 hour and 47 minutes. No matter what your thoughts are, that’s not good.

It will seem a bit more justified when we get to the end, so if you stick with me, I promise we’ll go through it in detail. For now, let’s just go over some of my favorite parts.

The first one: when Joseph and David are working out together.

At this point, while David has gone back and forth on Elijah’s theory of him being a genetic superhero, Joseph heard that theory and ran with it. He ends up putting too much weight on David’s barbell when they’re working out together, yet David still manages to lift it. This moment ends up strengthening Joseph’s (and David’s) belief that David could potentially be a genetic superhero. Not only that, but it comes to a head in this next scene when Joseph points a loaded gun at his father.

Joseph becomes so convinced his father is Superman that he tries to prove it by shooting him. In an earlier scene, we saw that David hides a gun in his linen closet. This scene is shot so intensely, another example of where I think Shyamalan’s patented one-take improves the scene, and realistically. Everyone’s reactions in this moment is 100% believable too, and it’s a huge relief when Joseph puts the gun down. You can hear every audience member in the world let out a big breath when it’s over. See what I mean when I say it doesn’t feel comic book-y?

Also, there was a moment before all of this that stands out to me as well: when David demonstrates his superpowers to Elijah at the stadium.

At the stadium, David meets with Elijah and ends up bumping into one of the patrons accidentally. He says he believes the person he bumped was carrying a weapon. Specifically a silver plated gun with a black grip tucked in his pants. After saying this, Elijah ends up following the man back to his car only to find that he had a silver plated gun with a black grip tucked in his pants.

I mostly like this scene because of the sense of discovery around the whole thing. The reason I keep watching is because I, like Elijah, desperately want to know if David’s guess was correct.

Even despite these cool scenes, I still have to admit that there’s a lot of boredom around them. In fact, surrounding some of these cool scenes can be even more boring moments. That could be seen as a clever choice to give the audience a false sense of security before throwing them into something deeply cool, tense, or interesting, but there’re still a lot of them which can also be pretty tiring.

Over the course of the movie, going back and forth several times on whether David is a genetic superhero or not, what clinches the theory is when Elijah sends a voicemail to him proclaiming that David’s weakness is water. That’s why he nearly drowned that one time. Every superhero has one, and this one’s David’s. Shyamalan, your Signs is showing. After remembering that he wasn’t actually injured in that accident years previous, he finally accepts his role and sets out to be a vigilante.

After identifying his first target, a serial killer, David goes to dispatch him. This is the climax of the movie which is also my second favorite part of the movie. Since David is inexperienced, we see how he manages to make a few mistakes on his first outing, even falling victim to his worst enemy (water), yet still manages to save some innocent people’s lives and bring a dangerous man to justice.

The next day, Elijah is having an exhibition at his art gallery. After going behind the scenes with Elijah, David notices a few things after shaking Elijah’s hand. He gets 3 separate visions of Elijah in some suspicious locations, including him interfering with the same train David was riding at the beginning of the film which crashed.

Passengers aren’t allowed in there.

After releasing Elijah’s hand, David notices various tools around Elijah’s office that look like their intended use is for sabotage. This is when the big twist hits us: Elijah was the one responsible for David’s train crash. Not only this, but we also heard in earlier scenes that there were 2 other major tragedies we didn’t see which had no survivors. Elijah was also responsible for those. It was all for the sake of finding someone like David.

They called me “Mr. Glass.”

First: Bingo! Second, this is when the entire movie makes sense. All of the previous ideas presented start to fall into place to create a complex social commentary on the nature of how we’re born, which, to me, makes the whole thing worth it.

You look back on the scene of Elijah being born and notice he had no choice in getting this disorder, yet that’s what ends up defining him. In that final shot of the movie where he proclaims himself “Mr. Glass,” you can see how he’s reluctantly accepted his place, but everyone else forced him into it. Not only were comics a way to escape reality for Elijah, but also to help understand it. In comics, he says, the archenemy is always the stark opposite of the hero. That’s what Elijah is to David.

Speaking of David, did he have a choice? He was born with this ability to not get injured easily, but was it his choice to be the protector of humanity? To some degree it was, after Elijah convinced him of it, but he still didn’t ask to be this person. While he ends up accepting it in time, it seems like he does it in a similar fashion to Elijah. Once again, his stark opposite. Because of these two characters’ journeys, you’re forced, as the audience member, to think about your own life similarly.

How many boxes have you been shoved into by society against your will? That’s why, despite killing hundreds of innocent people, I can’t help but still relate in some way to Elijah. I think that’s why this is my favorite part of the movie. Does it make the whole thing worth it? Let’s wrap this up and find out.

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Despite that awesome ending, I still stand by my earlier statement on the slower pacing of those earlier scenes. To some people, especially ones who haven’t seen it before, that might be a good reason to walk out of the theater in boredom. You may also notice that this review is a bit shorter than some of my other reviews. Most of that is due to the lack of intrigue happening on a minute-by-minute basis. Sure there are a few things that can pop off now and then that are cool, but on the whole it’s pretty low key.

However, if you do manage to stick with the film, I think that you’ll find the ending especially worth it. Much like The Sixth Sense, the ending ties everything up in a satisfying way and offers some great “food for thought” for anyone who sees it. To me, it makes the movie worth it, but you’ll probably notice that this conclusion is also shorter than most other conclusions I’ve written, even for shorter reviews.

Even in Shyamalan’s good work, he still seems to put the hardest hitting aspects of his films in the last 10-15 minutes. If you know that going in, and make sure you set aside enough time to watch the movie, it’s much more likely you’ll enjoy it. Some people still may have difficulties getting into it though, and I get that. If it helps at all, unlike The Others, this is really a film that sticks with me. Hopefully this review has helped you determine if this is the type of movie you’ll enjoy this weekend movie night or not.

The best rating I could give this film is a 4/5 wheelchairs. I was originally going to give it a 3.5/5, but after considering the impact it’s had on me (that ending still pops into my head randomly and makes me think), I felt like it was fair to rate it a bit higher. Of course, some people won’t be able to get into it which is why I couldn’t rate it higher, but I still think it’s one that’s worth your time.

In case you missed it, take a look at the post I made on JKGeekly’s website about my top 5 favorite horror tropes for Halloween. Thanks for the support!

(I make no claim of ownership for any of the images used in this post)

(Each of them are owned entirely by their respective copyright holders, which are not me)

(I’m just a humble blogger who talks about movies, I do not make them)

(Yet)

The Shining

Disclaimer:

This movie is rated: R

It contains scenes of violence, swearing, nudity, and scary imagery.

Back at it again with some Kubrick. Feels good. Personally, I feel like there’s no better way to close out Spooky Season this year than with, what many people would consider to be, one of the best horror films ever made. To some degree, I’m inclined to agree with them. Heck, I probably like this movie as much as the next person. Although, I feel like I should cover some of this movie’s background before we go all in on it.

Of course it’s since become one of the most well-regarded horror films in American cinema, but when it first came out many critics didn’t enjoy it. Not only did they not enjoy it, but the movie was even nominated for two Razzie awards. One for “Worst Director” in Stanley Kubrick, and second for “Worst Actress” in Shelley Duvall.

While I can’t deny that I really like this movie, the cynical contrarian in me can’t help but wonder if there is something to those criticisms. Not Shelley Duvall as “Worst Actress,” I highly disagree with that, but possibly in regards to Kubrick’s directing. I can understand someone who finds the slow pacing of the film and odd weekday title cards being both boring and random respectively. Not only that, but the more I think about it, Stanley Kubrick seems more and more like an acquired taste to me.

Sure I’ll be one to say that his work is genuinely different and interesting (and I am a big fan of it), but it does take a certain type of audience to get into it. First: prepare yourself for language that definitely would get Kubrick cancelled today. Second: expect a lot of artsy editing with several slow zoom ins/outs and dissolves. Third: understand that every detail, even if it seems like an error, was intentional.

Kubrick was an extremely particular filmmaker. Everyone talks about his tendency to get an obscene amount of takes for the most mundane of scenes, but even down to the placement of objects in his shots, the construction of his sets, and of course the delivery of his actors everything had to be exactly his way. This is probably why I personally like his movies, because I’ve always been a fan of films with subtle visual details that make rewatching more fun.

However, do all of those details add up to a great film or were the critics right the first time? Well, let’s take a trip back to the Overlook Hotel and see if everything still holds up in The Shining.

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We open the film with this grand sweeping shot of Saint Mary Lake in Glacier National Park followed by a car driving down an empty road while an ominous tune plays in the background.

Most of what makes this scene so creepy is the soundtrack which brilliantly sets the tone right from the start. It was conducted by Wendy Carlos and Rachel Elkind-Tourre, and I’mma be honest, without their spooky orchestrations this scene is kinda bland.

They look nice enough, but they’re more like something you’d see in a nature documentary.

It doesn’t get unsettling until you add the music.

Also, the Overlook Hotel was a combination of several different hotels.

The one used in this shot was the Timberline Lodge in Oregon.

The interior was constructed entirely at Elstree Studios in London.

Fun fact: The set used for the Colorado Lounge was reused the following year by Steven Spielberg to construct the Well of the Souls for his film Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark.

AHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Sorry, I have that reaction whenever I read the word “interview.” AHHHHHHHH!!! Okay, I’m done. What happens is that our protagonist, Jack Torrance (played by Jack Nicholson), is up for a job as the caretaker of the Overlook Hotel during the winter season. Before we go into more of this film’s tone, I first want to show you this.

You can see in this shot how there’s a hallway that goes off to the left out of sight based on the gap between the column and the wall at the far side. 

Heck, you can also see it in the way the floor tiles are aligned.

But in this next shot - 

There’s clearly a window that leads outside that shouldn’t be there. 

I love this about the layout of the Overlook Hotel, because everything seems just a bit off which helps add to the unease of the rest of the film.

We get more odd moments when we’re introduced to Wendy Torrance (played by the late great Shelley Duvall (link to the American Diabetes Association’s website)), Jack’s wife, and Danny Torrance (played by Danny Lloyd in his first role), their son. There’s also Tony. Who’s Tony?

[Tony]’s a little boy that lives in my mouth.

…Ooooookayyy. 

So, how’s the job-hunt going for Jack?

Well, I’m looking for a change.

Please stop looking at me like that.

This is mostly what I mean as far as tone-building is concerned, and also the thing I like the most about this movie. It doesn’t start off shit-your-pants scary, it just starts off uncomfortable. There are several moments in this movie that just cause you to scrunch up your face and body in discomfort which I’m sure is exactly what the filmmakers wanted. Jack Nicholson’s performance as Jack Torrance is also a perfect example of this.

Even in the smallest scenes, Jack Nicholson is deeply unsettling no matter what he’s doing. He manages to find a way to make every scene he’s in tense as if he could crack at any moment. It does present a unique problem in the sense that Jack Nicholson has basically been playing this type of character his entire career which makes it difficult for this particular performance to stand out among most of his others. Although, one thing you can’t say is that it’s bad.

Despite that, is there anything here that can lighten the mood?

He killed his family with an axe. 

I’ll take that as a “no.”

It doesn’t get much better when we cut to Wendy and Danny back home. Danny has an episode when Tony shows him what’s to come at the Overlook. Spoilers: it’s not pleasant.

That’s odd, usually the blood gets off at the second floor.

Dammit, Simpsons! You ruined this scene for me.

This bit of excitement causes Danny to pass out only for us to see a doctor examining him and Wendy standing in the corner worried. He seems fine for now, but the doctor asks Wendy about Danny’s history on the off-chance something happened in his past to spur this incident on. Wendy brings up the time Jack dislocated Danny’s shoulder 3 years previous during a drunk outburst. The doctor is rightfully concerned by this, but Wendy sees a silver-lining to it.

[Jack] hasn’t had any alcohol in…5 months.

That doesn’t bode well when the incident you mentioned took place 3 years ago.

This scene to me is a prime example why I strongly disagree with the Razzie’s decision to nominate Shelley Duvall as “Worst Actress.” Look at her face in this image. Really look at it. She looks outwardly cheerful, but the more you look at her the more you can see how she’s deeply stressed. As the audience, we don’t know why she would be stressed, but she also has a very specific tone whenever she talks about Jack to someone.

While she tries to give off the impression that she loves him, her tone is noticeably shaky whenever she discusses Jack. It subtly implies that Wendy has a fear of her own husband. Given Jack Nicholson’s acting prior to viewing this scene, I can absolutely understand why Wendy would be scared of him. From the way she carries herself, her expressions, and her voice, it’s clear to us that Wendy feels trapped in this marriage. This is also without bringing up Duvall’s harrowing experience on set.

Yeah, I had a feeling I’d have to mention this at some point or another. I briefly brought it up in my Full Metal Jacket review, but here is where I’ll break it down. While Kubrick was mostly friendly with Jack Nicholson and overly protective of Danny Lloyd on set, he was downright cruel to Shelley Duvall. He verbally abused her, pushed her to the emotional limit, and forced other crew members to avoid her/not sympathize with her. In his mind it made sense to get a very specific performance out of her, however, it doesn’t make it okay.

While art is a powerful thing and can cause us to view the world from a different perspective, under no circumstances should it come at the expense of anyone’s well-being.

Since I’d rather not dwell on this subject for too long, I’ll just go ahead and move on. Alongside Shelley Duvall’s iconic performance, Danny Lloyd does a pretty good job as well. Especially as a first time child actor.

Much of his performance gives off the impression that he’s detached from reality, and considering he gets frequent psychic updates from Tony, that makes perfect sense. Considering Danny is frequently absorbed in his Looney Tunes cartoons as well, this is doubly convincing. His Tony voice is incredibly disturbing too. Maybe it’s just because I have an interest in creepy children in horror films, but it unnerves me nonetheless.

Danny’s not here, Mrs. Torrance.

All that aside, let’s continue with the story. Jack and his family make their way up to the Overlook the next day where they get the grand tour, are introduced to Dick Hallorann (played by Scatman Crothers) who’s the head chef at the hotel, and settle in for a long boring winter. We also learn that Dick has a really special talent, much like Danny.

[telepathically] How’d you like some ice cream, Doc?

Nope.

P.S.: “Doc” is Danny’s nickname on account of his love of Looney Tunes.

Even with Scatman Crothers’s likable onscreen persona, this scene is still very off-putting. While also not being in the film for very long, Dick manages to leave a solid impact. This is mostly through him mentoring Danny about the talent both of them share which, by the way, what is it exactly?

She called it “Shining.”

Shh! You wanna get sued?

Basically, they’re both psychic. It’s never explicitly explained how this ability is acquired, but I like how in the previous scene with Wendy and the doctor it was mentioned that Danny started “talking to Tony” after his injury. This implies The Shining has something to do with severe childhood trauma. The book describes how Dick also had some…unpleasant childhood experiences which caused him to develop his Shine after this happened to him.

Doc also tells Dick how Tony told him about room 237. Dick doesn’t like Doc mentioning this one bit, so he tells him there isn’t anything in that room, but don’t go in there anyway. Of course this means that Doc will never go in that room. Ever.

Give Danny props for not going in that room for a solid month.

However, this does present something I can understand people having problems with: the pacing.

It’s never quite clear when the events happening on screen are taking place. This can be both a pro and a con. It’s a pro since it makes you question the reality of what’s happening in the movie just as much as the characters are. With all the days blurring together for them in their long hotel stay, the caretakers are likely just as confused as you are on what time and what day it is.

At the same time, it’s a con because it’s pretty jarring to randomly see title cards appearing on screen. It can even abruptly cut off a scene before we’ve had much of a chance to digest what’s happening in it. While I understand time is getting less and less clear to both us and the characters, you don’t have to draw attention to it by inorganically inserting title cards in random places. Just showing the characters going about their lives at various times of the day should be enough to convey that.

During this period, which takes up the majority of the movie, we also experience tension building moments. A lot of them. I could easily go over each of them in turn, but I’d rather not since we’d probably be here until next summer if I do that. Instead I’ll just mention what I enjoy about scenes like these.

When I came up here for my interview, it was as though…I’d been here before.

Oooooooo.

Another thing I assume will never come back into play. Ever.

What I really like is “Slow-Burn” horror. The kind that takes its time getting you invested in what’s happening on screen before scaring the crap out of you at the end. As I mentioned, that’s most of what this movie is and I like it for that because it never feels like certain scenes shouldn’t be in the movie, or the movie doesn’t have any momentum. Everything we see on screen eventually leads to its own payoff later on which is both satisfying and frightening.

Some of my favorite examples of this include the ghost twins. After Doc runs into them in the hallway, they ask him to come and play with them -

Forever…

and ever…

and ever.

Um, his mom doesn’t like him playing “Bloody Axe Lie-Around,” thank you.

His dad on the other hand…

The reason I like this isn’t just because of the creepy kid aspect. I mainly like the payoff to this scene when we later see Danny and Jack alone together. Danny is having doubts about the Overlook Hotel, but Jack is loving it. In fact, he wants to stay here -

forever…and ever…and ever.

These kinds of scenes help make certain scares seem less random and more essential. Another is after Danny eventually goes in room 237 like he totally wasn’t planning on doing when he was with Dick earlier. He ends up getting his neck bruised up and Wendy accuses Jack for it.

You did this to him.

Given what we know about Jack and his incident with Danny 3 years ago, it makes sense that Wendy would jump to this conclusion (especially since they’re the only ones in the hotel). Jack, however, feels profiled by this accusation, so he sells his soul for some alcohol. A fatal mistake.

Hi, Lloyd. A little slow tonight, idn’t it?

[laughing]

Who’re you talking to?

Oh.

If that’s not the devil in disguise, I don’t know what is.

Despite the fact that Stephen King didn’t like this film (and I think still doesn’t like it), the movie accurately portrays one of King’s original intentions: how the Overlook Hotel is an allegory for addiction. These are the scenes that are some of my favorites in the movie. Jack is a recovering alcoholic and is the only one who enjoys being at the Overlook. Whenever he has an interaction with Lloyd, he doesn’t pay for his drinks, but Lloyd serves them anyway. Whether Jack’s comfortable with it or not.

Your money’s no good here.

What helps convey this concept even more is just the look and feel of the hotel itself. Practically every room has high ceilings, is vastly spread out, and is easy to get lost in if you’re walking through them yourself or casually observing them through a screen.

Several characters mention in the movie how the hotel is very beautiful. I agree with them, but I think that’s part of the point as well. The hotel is supposed to be beautiful so it can lure you in and slowly break you down physically and mentally. That’s also how I assume most addiction starts as well. Ultimately, I think it’s a subtle and clever way to get across an idea without mentioning it through dialogue.

Back to the matter at hand though, the story continues with Jack slowly getting crazier and crazier, Danny getting Shinier and Shinier, Wendy getting distraught-er and distraught-er, and it all comes to a head when Jack just so happens to come across the ghost of the former caretaker: Delbert Grady (played by Philip Stone). The same guy who killed his family with an axe. The same guy with the twin ghost daughters. Personally, Delbert Grady is the scariest part of the movie.

[GRADY] You’ve always been the caretaker. I should know, sir. I’ve always been here.

Sure he’s creepy, but he hasn’t done anything to make me hate him.

A n****r.

DAMMIT!

While there have been things here and there that’ve caused Jack to fly off the handle from time-to-time, it’s Grady who’s the catalyst that plants the idea of family murder in Jack’s head. I wonder why that is…

My girls, sir, they didn’t care for the Overlook at first. One of them actually stole a pack of matches and tried to burn it down. But I…corrected them, sir. And when my wife tried to prevent me from doing my duty, I…corrected her.

Chills…

Because of this conversation, Jack sabotages the hotel’s radio among other things while Wendy tries to think of a way to get Danny to a doctor without Jack knowing, and Danny contacts Dick using his Shine so he can help them. Eventually this culminates in Wendy going to tell Jack about her plans to get Danny to a doctor which also gives us the opportunity to see what Jack’s been working on this whole time.

My assessment: derivative and repetitive.

Very repetitive.

Aren’t you supposed to, you know, be looking after this hotel?

Jack appears in all his crazy glory which earns him a baseball bat to the noggin and a fall down some stairs. Can’t say he didn’t deserve that. Also, there’s a lot of confusion about how many times the scene of Jack chasing Wendy up the stairs was shot. Many people believe it was done 127 times, but this is actually incorrect. According to the film’s editors it was actually shot between 35-45 times. Still a ridiculous number of times, but nowhere near the hyperbolic 127 people have come to believe.

Anyway, Wendy locks Jack in the walk-in food closet only to find out Jack sabotaged hers and Danny’s means of escape. Shortly after this, ghost friend Grady lets Jack out of the closet and he and his axe go to pay his family a visit which results in this massively iconic moment in cinematic history.

I’m not even gonna say it, because I don’t have to.

You already said it in your head.

In case you’re curious, yes, Jack Nicholson improvised that line on set.

It’s also because of this scene (and Weird Al) that I know who Ed McMahon is.

This is probably a good time to mention how this movie has been referenced and parodied TO DEATH. Of course I mentioned The Simpsons earlier on a couple occasions, but there are hundreds of other movies, shows, short films, and others that not only referenced/parodied this movie in some way or another, but just this scene alone. If that doesn’t give you an idea how much of a pop culture phenomenon this film is, I don’t know what does.

When Jack hears Dick roll up on his Snow Cat, he decides to leave Wendy alone (despite the fact that Wendy is trapped in a bathroom with no other way out) and go say “hi” to Dick. I’m sure Dick will be fine.

Hello? Anybody here?

[war cry]

[pain]

[yelling]

Because of his screams, Jack ends up finding Danny and chasing him outside into the snow-covered hedge maze. Meanwhile Wendy comes across all sorts of weird supernatural stuff as she runs through the hotel trying to find Danny.

Bad time?

Great party, isn’t it?

Um…

…maybe for an Addams’ family reunion.

Compared to the rest of that, this seems normal.

Back with Jack and Doc’s game of tag, Doc comes up with a pretty solid strategy. He’s been making footprints in the snow this whole time, allowing Jack to follow him. After noticing this, Doc backtracks along his footprint path and jumps off into the hedge to hide. Jack follows Doc’s footprints until the end of the trail, gets confused, and wanders off. Doc then follows the trail back to the entrance of the maze while Jack gets turned around inside the maze. For a 6 year old kid, that was practically genius.

After reuniting with his mother at the entrance, they take Dick’s still-running Snow Cat back to civilization while Jack is left to freeze overnight.

That death face is still kinda funny.

We then end the film with a slow zoom in on a very eye-catching photo hanging on the Overlook’s wall.

I guess Grady was right.

Jack was always the caretaker.

Despite a few things here and there, I think the movie as a whole still holds up pretty well. Are any of the notes from the original critics still valid, though? Let’s see in the conclusion.

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After going over the film in detail, I’d say that there are definitely more positive aspects that stand out to me than negative ones. From the environment, the subtle scares, and the constant sense of unease, it’s easy to see why this movie has, and continues, to get under people’s skin. Mine as well. Even after watching it several times, there were several moments that still caused me to recoil in discomfort which to me is a clear sign that a horror movie is working.

It’s a shame that sometimes the editing choices end up taking you out of scenes rather than engrossing you in them. I’m not sure why, but I guess a consistent through-line for the Kubrick films I’ve covered so far seems to be the editing choices irking me in some way or another, because I had similar feelings about Full Metal Jacket’s transitions. Maybe I’m being a bit too nitpick-y, but I will say that I still enjoyed this film overall.

It’s possible that since this film has become such a pop culture icon, much like other popular films before it, it’s “been done” so many times by now. The sheer number of times that I’ve seen it, and the sheer number of times others have referenced/parodied it, has caused me to notice more flaws in the original material that I didn’t before. However, to me, those flaws don’t come anywhere close to overshadowing the good stuff.

Even if people have “done” this movie so many times by others, they at least “did” it because the original had artistic value worth appreciating. For that, I can’t help but have a deep sense of respect for this film. Not the abuse that Shelley Duvall had to go through for her role (RIP), but everything else. So if you’ve never seen this movie, I’m assuming you’ve at least seen it parodied somewhere. Also, feel free to give it a look on this final weekend movie night of Spooky Season.

To me, this movie is a 4.5/5 Ed McMahons. I still can’t help but be annoyed by those editing choices here and there, but I did consider giving this movie full marks despite that. The picky film-goer in me still wants to reserve full marks for films that I had 0 problems with, and this film didn’t quite make it. Bear in mind, that specifically means I have 0 problems with a film, not that there are no problems whatsoever (because a movie like that doesn’t exist).

I won’t be covering another spooky movie this season (since it’ll be November soon), so I’ll be back to my regular reviews next week. Thanks for joining me and I’ll see y’all next year for another Spooky Season. Happy Halloween!

(I make no claim of ownership for any of the images used in this post)

(Each of them are owned entirely by their respective copyright holders, which are not me)

(I’m just a humble blogger who talks about movies, I do not make them)

(Yet)

Saw

Disclaimer:

The movie I’m reviewing this week is rated: R

Included is: harrowing torture scenes, blood, gore, swearing, and mature themes.

This review is intended for mature audiences only.

Also: SPOILERS!

One thing you definitely can’t deny about this and the last film I reviewed is how influential they were. While that certainly can’t be overstated with Saw, especially considering how this franchise has 10 films in its lineup (soon to be an 11th), I’m curious to see how the original movie holds up nowadays.

I guess that’s just my theme for this year’s Spooky Season. Or this blog in general. I guess y’all can be the judge on that. Anyway, what can be said about the original Saw? Much like The Blair Witch Project it was a low-budget hit, it popularized a subgenre of horror along with its sister film Hostel while spawning several other films like it in the process, and it’s one of the primary architects behind the “Escape Room” craze.

Looking back, there is a lot to admire about this movie that came from humble beginnings. Although, could that just be the nostalgia talking? Personally, there were plenty of things I enjoyed about the movie after watching it for the first time. From its focus on psychological horror and mystery, creative death traps, and bold experimental style I recall having a mostly positive impression after the credits rolled.

However, I also remember being a bit frustrated. I think it could’ve been more focused on the two primary characters being trapped in, what’s been lovingly named by fans, “The Shit Room.” To me it starts to get disjointed when it cuts back and forth between flashbacks and real time events happening outside of the main setting. While the editing does have a certain charm to it, it can also be just as disorienting as The Blair Witch Project. Also, I have to give some leeway considering James Wan was relatively new to directing when this came out.

What does that mean for the movie though? Is it truly a modern horror staple or did it just hit all the right notes at the right time? I think y’all know the drill by now. Let’s not waste any time solving this puzzle and get right into the original Saw.

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Take out the barbed wire and I could totally see this being a XXX label.

Surprisingly the most eye-catching thing in this intro is this logo. Also yes, the filmmakers, with the help of their producers, ended up creating this company so they could get away with some of the more gruesome scenes in the film. What gruesome scenes? We’ll get to it, but for now make sure there are no 8-year-olds reading.

Yeah, the reason I put a more excessive disclaimer at the opening of this review isn’t just because this movie is insanely horrific. The other reason is because one of my high school friends told me they saw Saw when they were only 8 years old.

Are ratings just a suggestion?

Legit, this seems like it could be an intro to a Hangover sequel.

The rest of the movie is basically him figuring out how he got here, so it could work.

This is Adam Stanheight (played by one of the film’s screenwriters Leigh Whannell). Whannell is…a better writer than an actor. I know I’m not the first to say this, but Whannell comes across as overly whiny, uninterested, and unnatural in this role. To some degree I can understand it since Adam is in a life-threatening situation so he’s not acting rationally or sympathetically, but Whannell’s delivery often leads to some eyebrow-raising scenes.

My name is “Very Fucking Confused,” what’s your name?

You could be the one who put me in this room!

Same thing happened to me, see?

For the most part I can look past it, though. Sure the awkward moments are awkward, but it doesn’t make the harrowing moments any less harrowing. When it starts to get a bit goofy is when we’re introduced to Adam’s bathroom-mate, Dr. Lawrence Gordon (played by Cary Elwes).

I’m a doctor.

Cool.

Right from the get-go, Elwes is operating at a 60-80% American accent. It does seem like he’s trying to convey American-ness, but when he slips up it’s pretty funny. Also, sometimes it seems like he’s trying to overplay “American.”

Bee-cause, you’d eether be in tehrible agony or you’d be dehd by nau. 

Yeah, I’m bloody ‘Murican, I am.

So those are our two main characters.

Wait a second -

they also have this corpse to keep them company. 

Yippee, let the fun begin!

The “fun” in this case is piecing together ways for them to get out of their situation. Adam finds an envelope in his pocket protected in a Ziploc bag and Lawrence finds a similar one in his pocket. Both envelopes have tapes in them while Lawrence’s also has a key and a bullet.

Since Adam and Lawrence are chained to pipes on opposite ends of the room they have to throw clues to each other to figure things out. This takes up a not insignificant portion of this movie. Eventually Adam manages to grab the tape player from the dead man’s hand and play the tape he found. Thus, the world heard the Jigsaw killer’s voice for the first time.

[JIGSAW] Rise and shine, Adam.

Part of what makes this first installment so gripping is the mystery of who the Jigsaw killer is. It’s pretty well thought-out and keeps your interest from beginning to end. Also, it’s pretty cool when the Jigsaw killer is revealed at the end, but we’ll get to that later. Spoilers and whatnot.

As it turns out, Jigsaw is punishing Adam for being a voyeuristic photographer and stalking people for money. Yeah, that makes sense. When Lawrence gives Adam his tape to play, they learn that it’s Lawrence’s goal to kill Adam to save his family before the clock strikes 6.

On the plus side, you got plenty of time.

[JIGSAW] Let the game begin.

This guy loves games.

Another not insignificant portion of this movie is solving puzzles. That’s not a criticism, I actually like it for that. Honestly, I wish the movie focused on it more than it does, because when Lawrence hears a message whispering “Follow your heart” at the end of his tape I kinda perk up. The detective part of my brain gets giddy trying to figure out what that means.

They follow the clue which leads to them discovering a pair of flimsy hacksaws. Adam’s not a fan.

FUCK!

That chipped piece of glass will be important later.

Lawrence just gives up trying to cut through his chains when he has a revelation.

He doesn’t want us to cut through our chains, he wants us to cut through our feet.

One might call that “foreshadowing.”

It’s this revelation that releases a flashback from the depths of Lawrence’s mind. A flashback that he logically shouldn’t be having because he wasn’t present for it. Also, one thing we might want to get used to is goofy transitions. Look at this.

I will admit that it does look cool to some degree.

However, they mostly take you out of the moment.

A transition is supposed to keep the narrative flowing from one scene to the next, and this is just more distracting than anything else.

Since James Wan was relatively new to directing at the time I can’t be too mad at it, but I will make jokes.

Can ya blame me?

It’s in this flashback that we get an idea of how long the Jigsaw killer has been at large and how he operates. We also see the effort that law enforcement is putting in to try and bring him to justice. Lawrence is also suspected of being the Jigsaw killer because some detectives found his penlight at the scene of one of the murders. It’s not very convincing.

I could get behind it if they made more of an effort to show Lawrence being untrustworthy or if they didn’t show everything he did while he wasn’t working at the hospital. However, Lawrence is portrayed as a bigger victim in this movie than Adam, and we do see everything he does outside of being a doctor.

I’m a doctor.

We know.

For now this concept is merely touched on and not deeply explained, so we’ll go into more detail when the movie does. At the moment, three cops named Detective Steven Sing (played by Ken Leung), Detective David Tapp (played by Danny Glover), and Detective Kerry (played by Dina Meyer) are looking over Jigsaw’s “latest” crime scene.

What’s up, bro?

Just…hangin’ out?

It’s here we also get our idea of how Jigsaw’s mind works. This guy’s name was Paul and Jigsaw put him in this trap because he has crippling depression and attempted suicide a month prior to this. Something tells me Jigsaw is not the most supportive friend. Basically, Jigsaw believes that people who aren’t appreciating their life enough need to be put in these death trap scenarios so they can be rehabilitated and turn over a new leaf upon their escape. Or just die.

For instance, Paul here was put in a cage filled with barbed wire that he had to crawl through and make it to the exit before time ran out. He didn’t make it. How about this guy?

This is Mark.

He was locked in here because Jigsaw caught him faking an illness. Now his job is to get the antidote to the poison that’s currently running through his veins by unlocking the safe in the middle of the room. To do that he has to uncover the combination that’s written on the walls with the candle while there’s broken glass all over the floor, he’s completely naked, and covered head to toe in a flammable substance. I think I see why this movie is so popular.

For real, the creativity of these death traps is genuinely impressive. When it comes to ‘slasher’ horror, there are only so many ways killers can off their victims. Sure a lot of people like slashers, but they do get pretty repetitive after a while. This film really pushes that standard to its limit by coming up with as many unique ways to kill people as it possibly can, and I totally respect that. Also, the funniest thing about this kill specifically is that the casting director cast her ex-husband to play Mark.

I know this isn’t the point, but now I want to know all about his and the casting director’s relationship.

Give me the goss!

This brings us to -

You know, technically speaking, [Jigsaw]’s not really a murderer. 

Good golly, we’re doing this bull crap?

Sure, he’s not technically a murderer because he never actually killed anyone. He just stole people off the street, sedated them, and created a death game for them to participate in against their will. If they die Jigsaw didn’t necessarily kill them, but at the same time if Jigsaw never took these people off the street they’d still be alive. Basic math!

Anyway, we see Lawrence at the hospital describing his patient’s current condition when a random orderly gets annoyed with Lawrence’s use of medical jargon.

The patient had - 

His name is John.

Thank you…guy.

Like I mentioned earlier, Lawrence is suspected of being the Jigsaw killer so he gets called into his office by Detective Tapp and Detective Sing so they can question him. The film tries to sow seeds of doubt in Lawrence by making him unwilling to provide a clear alibi for himself, but we eventually see what he was doing the night the killing took place anyway. Spoilers: he wasn’t admiring his death trap handiwork.

For some reason Tapp and Sing also invite in one of Jigsaw’s surviving victims named Amanda (played by Shawnee Smith) to tell her story to Lawrence. It’s unclear why they do this, but it gives us one of the most iconic sequences in modern horror cinema so I’m not complaining.

She tells the story of how she woke up in a room with a strange contraption on her head. What really makes this sequence iconic to me is the introductory tape she’s shown which introduces her (and the world) to Jigsaw’s partner in crime: Billy the Puppet, Jigsaw’s catchphrase,

I want to play a game.

and of course, the creatively named “Reverse Bear Trap” that’s currently adorning Amanda’s head. Through pure grit and strength of will, Amanda manages to overcome the game by getting the key to the Reverse Bear Trap that’s hidden in her cell mate’s stomach and using it to remove the trap from her head a split second before it went off. Good for her.

Billy is proud of her and back in the “present” it seems like this moment in her life was a transformative one.

He…helped me.

Back in the present present, Adam makes the discovery that the glass he broke is a two-way mirror. After further breaking it, they find out that behind the mirror is a camera watching everything they do. The person watching that camera footage seems to be having fun.

[sing-songy] I can see you.

Let’s celebrate this discovery with another flashback. Whee… Now we see Lawrence at home with his family including his wife Alison (played by Monica Potter) and his daughter Diana (played by Makenzie Vega (no relation to Vincent)). Diana sees someone in her room and goes to tell her mom. Her very bad mom.

Mommy…there’s a man in my room

Oh honey, are you sure he’s not just hiding in your imagination?

What kind of parent tells their child this?

A bad one!

Since this man is big and scary, they need strong daddy Lawrence to go and teach him a lesson. He doesn’t find anything though and tries to calm Diana down with a quick game of “This Little Piggy.” Right before they can finish, Lawrence gets paged from “work” and has to leave. Diana isn’t a fan.

To me that’s a pretty relatable moment. Since my mom was, and still is, a nurse, when I was growing up I didn’t have many opportunities to interact with her since she was working a lot of the time. I’m glad that she was able to provide for us as much as she did, but when I was a kid I didn’t understand why she was gone all the time, so I feel a bit of a connection with Diana in this scene for that.

As Lawrence leaves, Alison confronts him in a rather odd way.

How can you walk through life pretending that you’re happy?

That’s the first thing she says to him.

It’s such a weird way to begin a conversation that it’s kinda funny.

They have some pretty standard married couple argument dialogue while Diana gets spooked by the man in her room. Because Lawrence didn’t check the closet. SERIOUSLY?! If someone was hiding in your daughter’s room, the most obvious place for them to do that would be in the closet. Weirdly enough that might be the stupidest thing in this movie.

Also, we only see this happen after we cut back to the Shit Room where Lawrence shows Adam pictures of his family and Adam discovers a polaroid of Alison and Diana tied up with a clue on the back of it. Personally, if they were going to show the scene of how Lawrence’s family got captured, why don’t they show it in one piece? We were only away from that scene for not even 2 minutes, so what was the point of cutting away?

This goes back to my biggest issue with the film: it cuts around too much. I still stand by that it would’ve been much more interesting if it only involved Adam and Lawrence alone in the Shit Room. Nothing else. No flashbacks, no cutaways, no subplots. Creating intrigue isn’t as difficult as you think with only two characters and their thoughts.

WARNING: Tangent incoming.

Through the actions they take and the various clues scattered throughout the room we’d be able to learn more about who these people are and whether we can root for them or not. Got a low budget? No problem. Shooting two people in a shit-covered bathroom for an hour and 40 minutes is stupid cheap. By having Adam and Lawrence as the only focus of the movie they’d be able to get us invested in their struggle for survival and it could even be a stark commentary on the human condition too.

I will admit there is a pretty big problem with this idea: Leigh Whannell and Cary Elwes. If the movie were to only focus on Adam and Lawrence, the actors playing them would have to be top-notch. Leigh Whannell isn’t the best actor, so you’d probably have to replace him with someone else. Personally, if they were able to get Danny Glover to play Detective Tapp then they could’ve just had him play Adam.

It could’ve been different and gripping considering Glover’s past roles playing both likable, unlikable, and difficult to like characters so I think it would’ve worked seeing him play a character the audience can’t entirely root for. As far as Elwes is concerned, the only thing that’s not working about him is his accent. Just have him drop it and roll with his normal accent. There’s no real reason to have him pretend to be American anyway, so why bother?

With those elements altered, I feel like this could’ve been a fierce horror film and one to heavily challenge the audience’s perception of reality. Not only could it have been a game-changing horror film, but it could’ve transcended the genre in ways that no other film like it has done before. Instead it just seems to coast on the creativity of its kills while still appealing primarily to horror fans and not breaking down barriers between fanbases.

I suppose that’s fine for what it wants to be, but it is still disappointing to me considering what it could’ve been. Although, in the name of fairness, I should go easier on this movie. Not just on account of James Wan being new to directing, but also because I did this in my review of The Dark Crystal: “I shouldn’t judge a movie based on what it could’ve been, but what it is.”

So, what is it?

Tangent = Over

First off, it’s not over yet since we see the bad man in Diana’s closet tie her and Alison up. The bad man turns out to be the orderly from the hospital earlier. Dun dun dun! His name is Zep Hindle (he’s played by Michael Emerson) and he could be our Jigsaw killer. Although, Zep makes a fatal mistake when he pokes his head out of the curtains of the Gordon’s window, because Detective Tapp sees him from across the street.

How did Detective Tapp see him? He was spying on Lawrence’s house because he’s obsessed with the Jigsaw case. Wait, he’s obsessed with the Jigsaw case? The last time we saw him he didn’t seem to be an obsessed cop. Why is he suddenly Vince Vaughn from The Cell, then? No idea. Oh wait, maybe the movie will tell us in, wait for it…

ANOTHER FLASHBACK!

The FUCK was THAT?

I take it back, THAT was the stupidest thing in the movie. At this point I’d actually be less surprised if a giant green Eric Bana popped up out of nowhere. What’s this flashback about? Well, Tapp basically regrets letting Lawrence go and he still thinks he’s Jigsaw. He’s wrong. Also, he manages to find out where Jigsaw’s lair is and takes Sing there with him. Sing dies.

Because a killer who specializes in death traps totally wouldn’t booby trap his lair.

Yeah, you deserved that.

I could go on about how silly this part of the movie is, especially when they find a guy tied to a trap in the lair only for them to hear someone coming. So what do they do? They decide to hide in a corner and leave the guy tied to the trap just to “see what the killer does.” What do you think he’s gonna do? Best case scenario: serious maiming, worst case scenario: death.

Anyway, while most of the middle portion of this movie is pretty forgettable, especially when the focus isn’t on the Shit Room or the death traps, at the very least it is leading to a big reveal. Since this is likely what the movie is trying to do, I don’t want to judge it too harshly on what I would consider to be filler. Instead I’ll go into more detail once we have a clearer picture of this movie’s intentions.

So that’s why Tapp is an obsessed cop.

The movie must’ve gotten those two scenes mixed up.

While this is going on, mistrust starts to set in between our two bros Adam and Lawrence back in the Shit Room. It’s revealed that Adam knows more about Lawrence than he was letting on from the beginning and Lawrence hasn’t exactly been a “model husband.” When Jigsaw admonished Adam for being a voyeur, it turns out Adam was being paid to spy on Lawrence before this happened.

Also, Adam caught Lawrence in the act of cheating on his wife.

I did not cheat on her!

Sure, but being in a motel room with your secretary alone is not a good look no matter what you say. 

While our boys are busy getting personal with each other, they totally forgot they were on a time limit.

Unlucky.

Since Lawrence didn’t kill Adam like he was instructed, Zep goes to kill Alison and Diana. Before that happens, let me just say that during one of the Shit Room scenes, Lawrence came across a cell phone that can only receive calls and not make them. Why did I mention that? Now, Zep gives Lawrence a call to let him know he failed, but Alison gets the jump on Zep causing a fight to break out.

Since Lawrence can’t see anything he assumes that his family is killed. He also decides that now is a great time to try and follow Jigsaw’s rules that he already failed to follow. Because if you kill Adam now Zep will un-kill your family? Just “Ctrl Z” the whole thing? Sure. The fight also gets Tapp’s attention from across the street. In case you were curious, Alison and Diana survive (mostly with Tapp’s help) and Tapp ends up chasing Zep all the way back to the Shit Room in one of the worst car chases I’ve ever seen on film.

It doesn’t even make sense, they just rapidly cut back and forth between shots of both of them driving.

I’m so amped right now.

This eventually results in Tapp catching up with Zep, them having a tussle, and Zep killing Tapp. I checked…and I don’t feel anything. Meanwhile, Lawrence gets more and more hysterical until he ends up cutting his own foot off with the hacksaw from earlier.

Despite everything, I think this part is pretty well done. It’s disorienting, shocking, and crazy as hell which is exactly what you want. The only problem I have is that we clearly saw that Lawrence’s family is okay yet he still saws his foot off. Sure he doesn’t know they’re alive, but it goes back to what I said about having this whole movie being just in the Shit Room.

If we only saw Adam and Lawrence alone in the room then we as the audience wouldn’t know what happened to his family too making his decision to cut his foot off seem more justified. Sorry, I know at this point I’m probably beating a dead horse so I should just appreciate this scene for being as crazy and over-the-top as it wants.

Damn, he is so pale.

It’s safe to say this guy needs a doctor.

I’m a doctor.

Shut up.

Like I said, Lawrence tries to kill Adam by cashing in Chekhov’s bullet from earlier, putting it in the gun from the dead man’s hand, and using it to shoot Adam. In the shoulder. Yeah, he’s so dead. Zep stumbles in to kill Lawrence for failing to kill Adam sooner, but Adam springs back to life (shocker) and bashes Zep’s head in with a toilet tank lid.

Don’t worry Adam, your savior is here.

I - have - to go - get help.

Right, the guy crawling on the floor looking like a zombie actively bleeding out with one foot is gonna save his life. 

I’d sooner believe Westley from The Princess Bride when he could barely move would be able to save his life.

At least things are looking up, I mean the Jigsaw killer is dead. Right? Well, after Lawrence very bravely crawls away, Adam searches Zep’s body for a key to his chains only to find another tape recorder. After playing it, some very important puzzle pieces start to fall into place.

[JIGSAW] Hello, Mr. Hindle, or as they called you around the hospital: Zep.

Wait, so who’s Jigsaw then?

We learn through this tape that Jigsaw only used Zep in this game to ensure that everything went off without a hitch. To keep Zep in line as well, Jigsaw poisoned him and promised to give him the antidote only if he acted as this game’s “moderator.” So…what now?

WHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT?

You gotta hand it to this guy for laying on a nasty-ass bathroom floor for a solid 8 hours.

Who is this?

His name is John.

Indeed it is.

This is John Kramer (played by Tobin Bell).

a.k.a.: The Jigsaw Killer.

a.k.a.: the cancer patient Lawrence was talking about earlier.

Also, I gotta be honest, between this movie and Breaking Bad, TV and film are giving me the sense that cancer does some pretty weird things to people.

John tells Adam that the key to his chains is in the bathtub. The same bathtub he woke up in at the beginning of the movie. The same key that went down the drain. Bummer. Honestly though, how was Adam supposed to get that key? Was he seriously supposed to wake up, underwater, know the key is there, and grab it before the water goes down the drain? That’s pretty dumb.

Despite this, the reveal of Jigsaw is probably the best part of the movie. With the WTF twist, the background music entitled “Hello Zep” being an absolute banger, and this iconic closing line -

Game over!

it’s hard to not call this awesome. However, does it make up for everything I mentioned previously? It’s a bit complicated, but I’ll try my best to explain.

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Despite not being super compelling during most of its runtime, Saw definitely knew how to stick the landing which is a very clever choice. Being the main thing most audiences are going to leave the theater with, making that ending as good as possible really helps the film stand out in your mind and is likely what elevated its popularity at the time it came out.

Sure it still has plenty of boring moments and awkward transitions, but for the most part I’d consider this movie to be a perfectly serviceable horror flick. When it gets creative and interesting, it really gets creative and interesting which is enough for me to say I’m glad I saw Saw. I still wish I got to see the version of Saw I created for myself in my head, but for what I got it wasn’t too bad.

I’ve made plenty of jokes at this movie’s expense throughout this review, but if I’m being honest it’s because I know deep down I like it. For horror fans reading this, I’m sure that even if the movie as a whole isn’t your cup of tea there’ll probably be something in it that you’ll like. That is both the beauty and the harsh reality of an experimental film like this one.

Some ideas are going to be amazing while others fall flat. Those transitions certainly fall into the latter category. Although, the death traps and general premise are solidly in the former category. In the end it depends a lot on your personal preferences, but I think that if you’re looking for a movie that’s creatively dark and demented for this Spooky Season, Saw could just be the movie for your weekend movie night this week.

For my rating, I feel like this movie is a 3/5 puppets. The more I think about it the more I feel like I have a bit of a soft spot for this movie. I mostly appreciate the risks it takes. Even if it doesn’t always work, just seeing filmmakers go all in on the gritty and raw is commendable in my view, mostly because the MPAA is stacked against them. However, one thing I have a hard time enjoying in films is boredom.

When it comes to this movie’s slower moments, I feel like they weren’t fleshed out enough to make them as interesting as the batshit crazy moments which is why I have a hard time rating this movie any higher. If anything in this review piqued your interest though, by all means take a look and decide for yourself. Billy is waiting. I like Billy.

(I make no claim of ownership for any of the images used in this post)

(Each of them are owned entirely by their respective copyright holders, which are not me)

(I’m just a humble blogger who talks about movies, I do not make them)

(Yet)

The Blair Witch Project

Disclaimer:

The film I’m reviewing this week is rated: R

There will be copious amounts of swearing, mature themes, and scary imagery.

So we go from one complicated movie choice to another complicated movie choice. Sorry, I just really felt like talking about this film. It’s crazy to think it came out a whole 25 years ago, huh. Well, I’m here to take a look at whether it’s stood the test of time or if it deserves to be tossed in the same pile of found-footage films that tried to copy it.

The Blair Witch Project: a movie about three film students shooting a documentary about the titular witch until they get lost in the woods and presumably die. That’s pretty much all there is to this movie. Some may say the simplistic premise makes it more interesting and suspenseful whereas others may say it makes it more boring and slow.

It’s found-footage, so we all know what that means: shaky cam and disorienting visuals galore. Some may say that makes it more gritty and realistic whereas others may say it makes it more vomit-inducing. I’m going back and forth on this pretty frequently so you might be thinking: where do you stand on all this?

Honestly, I’m about as torn as anyone else is. Part of me wants to appreciate the patience, dedication to realism, and legacy this film has created, but at the same time another part of me views those same pros as cons. Especially nowadays, people either seem to love or hate this movie and I can understand either of them. At the same time, are those people who hate this movie letting the unsuccessful and unoriginal copies of this film color their opinion of the original? Well, there’s only one way to find out.

Let’s take a trip back to Burkittsville, Maryland with the film that popularized the found-footage subgenre: The Blair Witch Project.

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Yeah, this movie's totally pulling your leg.

This isn’t the first horror film ever made to pretend to be a true story, but it’s the first of its kind to go to such great lengths to make people believe it’s real. Since this movie is 25 years old now, a lot of you reading this may not know (heck, even I wasn’t around to see it) just how much the filmmakers wanted to get across that this was genuine found-footage.

The original trailers for the film ended with a phone number for viewers to call if they had any information on the whereabouts of the students. The filmmakers put up missing person flyers. They set up a website dedicated to the facts of the students’ case and solving the mystery of their “disappearance.” They even went so far as to use the actors’ real names.

Yes, none of the main actors are playing characters in this movie. They’re playing exaggerated versions of themselves and using their real names: Heather Donahue (now Rei Hance), Joshua Leonard, and Michael C. Williams. Since the internet wasn’t as widely available back then as it is today, thousands of people believed it was real. Rei even mentioned in an interview at one point that her parents received sympathy cards from viewers after the film came out.

In case you’re worried that it might still be real:

[From left to right]: Rei Hance, Joshua Leonard, Michael C. Williams (2024)

Notice how they're alive and well.

There is a dark side to this movie’s realism though. Not only did the filmmakers go above and beyond to convince people, but Artisan Entertainment made the actors sign contracts essentially forcing the actors to “play dead” for the rest of their lives. It’s a long and complicated story that only officially came to light relatively recently, so I won’t go into detail. Not only is it too in-depth, but that’s not what this blog is for. It is worth looking into if you’re interested, so I recommend checking out this “Variety” article for more info on this.

However, what I’m here to do today is determine if this movie holds up or if it doesn’t, so let’s get into the meat of it now.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry, that shot was so blurry I thought it was a monster. So…yep, this is the whole movie, y’all. Don’t expect many of the images I use here to be especially well composed, because in the film’s dedication to realism they had the actors shoot almost everything on their own. No camera crews, no photography directors, no lighting experts, no production assistants, no nothing. Just the actors and their equipment. Thus creates our first divisive element: the camerawork.

Several people I’ve talked to about this movie in recent times have all had something to complain about regarding the cinematography. On the one hand I can see where they’re coming from. In fact, one person that’s discussed this film with me brought up the point that they suffer from very acute motion sickness which the camera angles and jerky style ended up triggering on several occasions. That is a good point, because if you have a similar struggle with motion sickness yourself, shots like this:

and this:

and this:

are probably not going to help with that, so it's best to sit this one out.

Do I blame the movie for this though? No. Why? Because that’s what they were trying to do. They didn’t want professional-grade camera work because they wanted this to be realistic. If they were going to get across the idea that these were actual student filmmakers in the woods working on a project until they get lost, then it wouldn’t have made sense to bring in the wide-angle lenses and Panavision cameras. What college student could afford that kind of equipment, let alone use it correctly?

So yes, if you have a preexisting condition that makes it difficult for you to watch stuff like this, I totally understand why you wouldn’t like it. However, if you don’t like it because you prefer cinematic shots, then that would’ve fundamentally gone against what the movie was going for. Don’t blame the movie for that choice, because if you refuse to enjoy films like that then just don’t watch it. It’s not the movie’s fault and it’s unfair to the filmmakers and the actors holding the cameras for you to criticize that.

Besides that there’s supposedly a story to this, so how’s that? Well we start off with some footage of Heather (played by Rei Hance), the director of the project, in her house setting everything up to go out hiking the next day. That’s pretty much what these first 15-ish minutes of the movie is. Again it’s a pretty simplistic setup which can lead to some snore-inducing moments down the line, but we’ll get to those later.

[HEATHER] Some essential reading: "How To Stay Alive in the Woods." 'Cause you never know what's gonna happen.

You have no idea...

For right now though, Heather assembles her team. The first one to show up is Josh (played by himself), the key cam-op, and they both go and pick up Mike (played by himself), who’s in charge of sound. They grab essential supplies from the grocery store and go to interview the people of Burkittsville about the Blair Witch.

What I like about these interviews isn’t just that it helps build suspense for later, but some of what’s said will eventually come back into play.

As I remember, Mr. Parr was an old hermit, and he lived up on the mountain...the police finally went up on the mountain, and, uh, they searched his house and found the bodies of 7 kids from the area.

What he did is he took, uh, the kids down into the basement by twos and made one face into the corner and then he would kill the other one. Then when he was done with that he'd grab the other one out of the corner and kill that one too. 

Also, there are some funny moments here and there.

[HEATHER] Do you believe in witchcraft?

No, no sir.

[HEATHER] Are you a religious man?

Yep.

[HEATHER] Alrighty.

Outside of these tidbits of tone building, there’s also character moments with Heather, Josh, and Mike. It’s nice to see them hanging out together, buying snacks for the trip, being quirky college students, and generally having fun with each other before shit goes down. This is also needed if the audience is going to be endeared to these people by the end and for the audience to be worried about their well-being.

After a successful first shooting day they crash at a motel that night and pick up the documentary business the next day. They manage to get one more interview in before hiking out into the woods for real, and they commemorate the occasion with this final shot of their car.

Take a good look.

You know what irritates me the most about this shot?

They leave that water bottle on the car.

That's a vital resource for survival, y'all, take it with you.

Thus begins what the movie is known for: three kids in the woods. They don’t immediately get lost, mind you. During these first few moments of them in the woods they actually seem to be jovial with each other which will be a rare occurrence as the film progresses.

[JOSH] I see a dirty behind.

[HEATHER] I'm not usually travelling with two men, if you know what I'm sayin'.

I never gave Mike any "fart allowance."

What follows this up is some more tone building with a spooky occurrence.

It was like, there were two separate noises coming from two layers of space over here, and one of 'em was kinda like - one of 'em coulda possibly been an owl, but the other one was like a cackling.

At the end of the day, that pretty much describes the whole movie though. Heather, Mike, and Josh are only ever doing one of three things: trying to get shots for their movie (mostly at the beginning of their hike), arguing over where they should go, or getting creeped out by the stuff around them (sounds, totems, rock piles, etc.).

I will give credit that for what you see on-screen it is well done. The progression of their panic is relatively realistic and the acting is what helps sell the whole thing. I’ll get into the details of their progression a bit later since I have some notes on it, but for now I’ll leave it at that. When the film needs to be creepy it’s also typically subtle in its scares which I really appreciate.

Since there’s no music, just the sounds of the kids and the forest around them, the best scares often come out of some sound they hear in the distant forest or a creepy item they come across. More often than not it’ll be accompanied by a long drawn out silence or an exasperated reaction from either Heather, Mike, or Josh. However, I can completely understand why someone would consider moments like this to be boring.

[HEATHER] Think of the joy of being in a really good film.

Okay, shut the fuck up.

So, I’m now forced to ask myself: is any of this especially interesting? Yes…to a point. This is where our second divisive element I mentioned before, the general lack of plot, needs to be brought back up. With a lack of structure to the film, it relies solely on the star power of the leads to guide us through, and like I mentioned, they only do three things throughout the rest of the movie.

This isn’t necessarily a bad thing so long as the movie doesn’t overstay its welcome. It’s pretty good at this by limiting the runtime to 1 hour and 20 minutes, but I feel like even that is a bit too long. Honestly, just 1 hour of runtime should be plenty for a movie like this. Part of me wonders if the studio needed to drag it out a bit more in order to get the movie to feature length.

After all, there’s only so much of three college students wandering around in the woods, arguing about maps, and getting scared by sticks an audience can take. Something the movie could’ve added to make it more interesting would be to make itself more about survival and tribalism and how that affects the group. They touch on it briefly when Mike admits he kicked the map into the creek 39 minutes in.

It was useless! I kicked that fucker into the creek.

Like most other viewers, you likely see this as the stupidest thing he could’ve done. Because it is. However, I like it because it helps establish that having been in the woods for as long as they have, the students are starting to rely less on logic and more on instinct. We already saw earlier that Mike didn’t trust the map or the people who could read it.

This is Greek to me. Useless.

Now that he’s been in the forest for as long as he has, it makes sense that he’d do what he thinks is right regardless of what anyone else thinks. Although, I feel like this could’ve been touched on more. This incident does create a schism in the group, as you’d expect, but I’d honestly like it to be dragged out further.

What if, as a result of this action, the three of them get so mad at each other that they split up and we see the rest of the movie through their own individual POV cameras. Maybe they also start to neglect their cameras as time goes on as they start to embrace the survival mentality. To me that would’ve made things a bit more interesting.

Instead, the three of them end up walking around in circles, getting more lost, and running into more scary stuff.

I have to admit, randomly coming across something like this in the woods is pretty creepy.

Also, I can’t help but be interested when the characters are at their wit’s end. That’s also when it feels the most genuine to me.

[MIKE] PLEASE HELP US!!!

Not too long after this moment, the crew gets harassed by something in the middle of the night which causes them to run out of their tent in a panic. The next morning they go back to their campsite to find Josh’s things all strewn about and covered in slime. Probably my favorite thing about this movie is how the smallest details end up building on each other over time.

Earlier in the movie we saw Josh accidentally knock over one of the rock piles the group came across.

[HEATHER] That's not very nice.

It’s possible that, if there is a Blair Witch, this action made her angry with Josh causing her to try and seek him out specifically to teach him a lesson. By murdering him.

[JOSH] Why the fuck was this blue jelly shit all over my shit?

Also, we hear what sounds like children’s voices and laughter right before everyone runs out of the tent which could be a reference to the children the Blair Witch supposedly hunts and eats. There are several other subtle details like this in the movie too, but I can’t properly convey them in this format. Since it’s already debatable if it’s truly interesting in the movie itself, it definitely won’t be interesting if you just read about it here.

Much like I said earlier though, Heather, Mike, and Josh just wander around in circles for the majority of the movie. Instead of exploring a deeper side of humanity that could offer some pretty decent commentary, they have Josh go missing in the middle of the night. So now the most frequently mentioned word in the movie goes from “map” to -

[HEATHER] JOSH!

Like I mentioned not long ago, it’s possible that Josh could’ve been targeted by whatever’s hunting them out here which is why he was the one who went missing. At the same time, the movie is pretty ambiguous about everything. There could be a few explanations to what’s happening out here: the group is just lost in the woods and going crazy, there’s actually a Blair Witch, or there’s someone else out here hunting the group. I actually like this about the film.

If there are multiple interpretations for what’s actually happening I feel like the movie is doing something right. You could even say that’s why they keep getting turned around, either because they’re panicking and not thinking clearly or because the Blair Witch is messing with their heads. Maybe something completely different as well.

But wait, where were we?

(distant moaning)

[HEATHER] ...Josh?

Right.

All joking aside, hearing Josh’s distant cries of pain is one of the creepiest things in the movie for me. It gets especially real when, the next morning, Heather wakes up to find a bundle of sticks outside their tent.

[HEATHER] Oh shit.

[HEATHER] (hyperventilating)

Yeah, I would too.

We end this bit of excitement with -

the most iconic scene in the movie.

Since Heather can’t take any more of this, she ends up breaking down on camera and taking responsibility for everything. She admits that, as her project, it’s her fault that the three of them are now lost in the woods and will likely never see their families again. It’s a very powerful moment and I can totally understand why it became as iconic as it is.

This scene is likely why Rei’s family received sympathy cards in particular. Out of everyone in the group, Heather is the easiest to sympathize with and this scene fully supports that.

Later that night, Heather and Mike hear some shouting deep in the woods.

[(what sounds like) JOSH] Somebody! Please!

Mike and Heather follow these screams to the end of this movie which happens to be here.

[MIKE] Holy shit, it's a house.

This is where everything starts to explode as the creepiness is now coming hard and fast. Mike heads into the house first with Heather not too far behind where they capture a bunch of spooky dilapidated house stuff on camera.

Mike thinks he hears Josh on the second floor prompting him to run up after him, only to hear Josh in the basement immediately after and go running down the stairs where he presumably gets attacked by something.

Things also start to get disorienting here with Heather’s constant screams, because it’s hard to tell if she’s the one who’s screaming here or if it’s the Blair Witch. Heather follows Mike into the basement to see the next most iconic image from this movie.

Heather drops her camera,

everything goes quiet, and...

that's it.

You might think I’m not a fan of the abruptness of that ending, but I actually am. Since it happens so suddenly, it practically forces you to watch the credits while ruminating on what you just watched. To me, that also makes the whole thing a bit creepier. Is it enough for me to say that the movie holds up? Let’s go into a bit more detail.

---

I’ll start by saying that I stand by all my criticisms I gave in the review. My biggest problem with the film still remains the slow repetitiveness of everything. I’m sure you noticed how short this review is compared to my previous ones. Not only is that because of the shorter runtime than most other movies I’ve covered, but also because what happens in that time is pretty much the same thing over and over again.

What helps push it over the top is really the acting for me. The star attractions of the movie are the main characters and how they deal with their situation. Watching their panic and hysteria set in is one of the most interesting parts of the movie. To that same end, I also wish that it was explored in more interesting ways.

Like before, I still think it would’ve been cool to see something like society and humanity deteriorate the longer they stay in the woods similar to a story like Lord of the Flies. That would’ve helped justify the feature-length runtime to me, although I have to admit that what we got is still pretty interesting.

Ultimately I still stand by what I said in the intro. I can easily see how someone could both love this movie and how someone could hate this movie (taking the camerawork out of the picture). Do I like it? For what it is, I liked it. The combination of gritty, realistic, and gripping performances with subtle scares is really good to me and what keeps me coming back to this movie.

Is it a modern horror classic? I’d say so. Granted people’s definition of ‘classic’ is different, but if you’re not sold, why not take a look? Multiple times I mentioned that I can’t properly get across the tone of the film in a review format, so, as always, the best way to experience it is to watch it for yourself. So if you’ve got some time this weekend movie night, pop in the creepy home-movie that started it all and relive the nightmares of The Blair Witch Project.

Ratings, ratings. I’d say this film is a 3.5/5 shaky cameras. Honestly, the only reason I can’t rate it higher is because of the repetition. To me, I feel like everything else is pretty well done from the style to the scares. I just feel like this movie has no place being 1 hour and 20 minutes long. It definitely should’ve been closer to 1 hour, because it feels much longer than it is which isn’t a good thing.

(I make no claim of ownership for any of the images used in this post)

(Each of them are owned entirely by their respective copyright holders, which are not me)

(I’m just a humble blogger who talks about movies, I do not make them)

(Yet)

Let Me In

Disclaimer:

The movie I’m reviewing today is rated: R

Lots and lots of blood and gore in this one, kiddies.

Best sit this one out.

(Also, I’m not specifically calling you a kid, I just mean in case any kids happen to be reading this.)

Welcome to Spooky Month! We did it, everybody, it’s finally here. In honor of this sacred time of year I’ve decided to do only scary movies for the entirety of this month. I hope y’all are okay with that, I just love Halloween so much. Hopefully it’ll be a lot of fun, and I thought I’d start off with one that I don’t think gets talked about that much.

Let Me In: a remake of a movie called Let the Right One In which was based on the novel of the same name. Makes sense, right? In my brief excerpt for this post I described this movie as “gender swapped Twilight” which is kinda true, but mostly a joke. Sure the genders of our two leads are swapped, but instead of the film being about a forbidden love, it’s more about a forbidden friendship. It also has more melancholic beats than you’d expect for a story on this subject.

If I’m remembering correctly it follows a young boy and a “young” girl. One day the girl moves into the same apartment complex as the boy with her “father” and eventually the boy finds out that she’s a vampire. The boy and the girl end up befriending each other while the boy does his best to grapple with the girl’s true identity and what it truly means to be associated with her (like the girl’s “father” before him).

I don’t remember too much from my first viewing of this film despite the fact that I had some very complicated feelings. There are definitely still scenes that stand out to me, and I don’t think I really saw the movie as bad, but I think I was more caught up on what I thought I was supposed to feel as the credits rolled.

So, what does that mean for this review? Well, let’s find out together. Get your trash-bag masks and giant blood containers ‘cause we’re going hunting in Let Me In.

---

I’m definitely in the mood now. I don’t know, something about creepy text on screen puts me in a spooky mood. Either way, we begin this film right in the middle of the action where we see someone being taken to the hospital in an ambulance due to self-inflicted acid burns. Nice. We don’t know a whole lot about what’s happening right now, but it will become clearer later.

When it comes to horror, suspense, or mystery films I typically like this kind of opening a bit more. By dropping us straight into the action we get a clearer sense of what the threat of the movie is, what it can do, and how scary it is. In this case the opening doesn’t have much to do with the monster, but it is still attention getting.

Instead this man gets taken to the hospital under police escort on account of him being a suspect for many killings that have been happening in the area lately. However, after the detective (played by Elias Koteas) walks out of the room for just a moment he loses his chance to get any information out of the man.

Jesus, Mary, and Joseph...

That's a bit of an under reaction on his part, but he probably sees this kind of stuff all the time.

I'll give him a pass.

Essentially the next hour of the film is spent giving us a clearer picture of what led up to all this and I kinda like it for that. Sure it is back-tracking which some people can see as slowing the narrative down, but in this particular genre I think it makes it more intriguing. I might be a bit of a sucker for this kind of thing though since I had similar feelings about 12 Monkeys when things started falling into place, so maybe it’s just me.

There are a few clues we get in the intro that help add to the intrigue of this mystery. The detective asks the suspect if he’s in a cult, the detective gets a call from the receptionist telling him the suspect’s daughter was there, of course the suspect presumably commits suicide by jumping out the window, and his parting words were: “I’m sory Abby.” (One “R”, that’s very important)

He was suffering from severe acid burns, we can cut him a little slack.

We then, naturally, fade into 2 weeks earlier where we’re introduced to our protagonist Owen (played by Kodi Smit-McPhee). Being a relatively unknown actor at the time this came out, I can see why this role would’ve put him on the map, since Smit-McPhee acts really well in this role. At the same time, I can’t say the character of Owen is that well-defined.

I suppose there are some layers to his character but he’s primarily just the same outcast kid you’ve seen in everything else. He’s bullied at school, he’s the product of a divorced household, his mother is overly religious, and he’s…weirdly horny.

Too much side-boob 4 U.

In the end I know what the movie’s going for though. Obviously they want to paint Owen as the type of kid that would be attracted to a blood-thirsty vampire. Some things about him I understand feeding into that, such as his need for security being fed by his constant bullying and his want to escape fed by his broken home-life. However, one thing I never got was the “Religious Mom” thing.

Does it really add anything? I don’t think it does. If it’s supposed to get across how Owen is being “oppressed” by his superiors then it isn’t coming across very well. Also, it feels kinda muddled when Owen calls his dad later and he mocks his ex-wife’s religiosity. What are they trying to get across with religion here? At least Salem’s Lot made it clear that vampires have an aversion to religion, so if that’s what Let Me In is trying to do then this is pretty weak.

Unfortunately it isn’t until our resident vampire makes her appearance that Owen starts to become a bit more interesting. The driving force behind this movie is the vampire and the people she associates with, so luckily we don’t have to wait too long for her to enter the picture. The same night Owen is perving on his neighbors, he notices a peculiar family moving into his building.

As soon as I see anyone carrying a giant crate, box, or basket in a movie I'm immediately suspicious.

Eventually we’ll learn that the girl’s name is Abby (played by Chloë Grace Moretz) and she’s moving in with her “father” (played by Richard Jenkins). Owen immediately takes an interest in them and I don’t blame him. We all saw that crate. That crate was up to something. Also, Abby was walking in the snow with no shoes.

Of course after watching this once it’s pretty clear what the movie’s trying to get across in these scenes. Although, part of what I think makes this movie memorable is how it’s not immediately obvious that Abby is a vampire. The movie doesn’t reveal this fact until 31 minutes in, so at first she and her “father” just seem to be a strange family.

Not only does it make the movie more memorable, but it weirdly also makes the fact that vampires exist in this world seem more believable. Like in movies such as Pan’s Labyrinth, taking the time to reveal the fantasy world while also off-setting it with scenes of harsh reality makes the fictional seem more real to me. Glad I got that off my chest, what’s next?

Hey, little girl.

Oh, is it "Stock Bully" time already?

So this is Kenny (played by Dylan Minnette), and I will give credit that he’s slightly more developed than most other stock bullies like him. Eventually we’ll learn why he’s so mean to Owen, but outside of that he doesn’t get a whole lot of time to be a fleshed out character. That and his reasoning for bullying Owen seems a bit simplistic for a movie intended for an adult audience.

We’ll get to it eventually, but for now Kenny wedgies Owen. Yes, this horror film just had a character give another character a wedgie. Terrifying. Kenny apparently wedgies Owen so hard he pees his pants. I won’t show you that because I’m sure you’d like to keep your stomach contents in your body. Also, I know I said this already, but scenes like this just don’t do it for me.

Like I said before, it’s obvious the filmmakers want us to feel sympathetic towards Owen by making him this outcast kid, but couldn’t they have done that in a more creative way? What if they did expand more on Kenny’s backstory? What if they gave Owen more character and made us question if we could truly like him or not? Either of those would’ve been more interesting than this.

Owen lets off some steam by getting a pocket knife and pretending to stab Kenny by stabbing a tree. This is also where we see Owen and Abby together for the first time.

Just so you know, I can't be your friend.

Well who said he wanted to be your friend anyway? Bitch!

Well who said I wanted to be your friend? Idiot...

Hey, that's what I said!

I mean, I threw the "bitch" in there.

He said "idiot," so it's kinda different, but...

You get it.

After this we get our first glimpse of the killer from earlier as well. Surprise, it’s the “father.” You probably knew that by now. I also like how it’s not entirely clear why he’s doing this at first either. All we see is him break into a guy’s car, presumably choke him to death, and take him to the forest to drain his blood into a big jug.

Mmm...corn syrup.

Unfortunately for him, he fumbles the jug after slipping on some ice which causes all the blood to spill out. When he gets back home, a certain someone doesn’t seem to be very happy with him.

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?! AM I SUPPOSED TO GO OUT THERE AND DO IT MYSELF?!

This is one of my favorite things about this movie: you never really know how sympathetic you can be towards Abby. On the surface she seems very nice and even well-intentioned, although she’s still a blood-sucking monster underneath. This also makes me think about how she even became a vampire in the first place. Was she born a vampire, or did she become a vampire somewhere down the road?

Even if she was born a vampire she seems to have a kind enough personality to offset that, and if she wasn’t it’s possible that she became a vampire by accident. Later in the movie Abby feasts on a random passerby out of desperation, but doesn’t kill her. Because she didn’t die, the passerby ends up becoming a vampire herself so it’s safe to assume something similar could’ve happened to Abby.

That and it would’ve been super easy to portray hers and Owen’s relationship as manipulative, but that’s not what it is. It’s through Abby’s natural charisma and loving nature that endears both Owen and her “father” to her. It’s only the two of them that end up questioning whether this sort of thing is worth it in the end due to how much death and destruction Abby leaves in her wake.

Speaking of which -

Maybe I'm getting sloppy. Maybe I wanna get caught. Maybe I'm just tired of this.

It's because of this that Abby's "father" is my favorite character.

While he doesn’t get a bunch of screen time, Abby’s “father” represents the core of the film. He still loves Abby, but he just doesn’t want to kill people anymore. Over time, maybe even since the beginning, he’s starting to question if any of this is worth it in the end which is the most complex emotion this movie explores and I love it.

Once the movie ends we’ll get a clearer sense of how deep this goes, but even now it’s really engaging. So the police start searching for the killer, Abby and Owen hit it off (Owen gives her a Rubik’s Cube to solve), and Abby takes matters into her own hands. She’s starving, so what else is she gonna do?

You aren't you when you're hungry.

Admittedly these effects aren’t very good, but that’s probably why they shot this in the shadows and a bit farther away from the subjects. It’s still pretty gruesome with the music and especially when we see Abby’s “Gollum” face.

This is where I’d also like to mention Matt Reeves’ casting. What I like about his casting is how he takes commonly typecast actors and puts them in roles audiences wouldn’t expect them to play. At the time this movie came out, Chloë Grace Moretz was commonly known for being the generic cutesy girl you’d usually cast in a coming-of-age comedy or something. To put it in perspective: Diary of a Wimpy Kid came out the exact same year.

Aww, she seems nice...

JESUS!

She goes back home to “daddy,” but he’s not happy with her for killing someone without his say-so. Now he has to go out and find the body before someone else does and dispose of it, which he does by tossing it in a lake.

For now though, Owen finds the Rubik’s Cube he gave Abby completely solved when he wakes up the next morning. When he sees her later that night they start to connect a bit more and Abby looks better after getting a…“snack.” Since Owen often hears Abby and her “father” through the walls of his room, he comes up with the idea to learn Morse Code and talk to Abby through it.

The next day he’s writing himself a Morse Code cheat sheet when -

I'm still a character, right?

Not only does Kenny once again do “Standard Movie Bully” things, but his reasoning is very weak. He saw Owen writing the Morse Code cheat sheet in class and demands Owen to show it to him. Why do you care? It’s embarrassing how desperate you are to be a character right now.

I will give props to the dynamic between Kenny and his bully henchmen, though. Why, because all of them have an equal say. The only reason Kenny stops attacking Owen is because his henchmen talk him down. Apparently they believe they’re all equal to each other, but Owen is still beneath them somehow. Logic is not their strong suit.

After school, Owen meets with Abby again and Abby notices the injury he got from Kenny earlier. She tells him to fight back (which is a moot point because it’s Abby that saves him by the end) and they start wall-chatting. It’s at this point that the movie primarily focuses on the development of Owen and Abby’s relationship and it’s done relatively well.

Both Owen and Abby have some likable chemistry on screen so it is fun and cute to see them together (oddly enough). Ultimately we don’t get a whole lot of time to know them as people, but I think that may not have been the movie’s intention. What intrigues me more isn’t so much the possibility they’ll end up loving each other, but the ramifications of Owen being attached to Abby.

One thing I’m not really sure about is the frequent appearance of the “Now and Later” candies. They’re Owen’s favorite treat, but I’ve never been able to tell if that was supposed to mean something despite watching this movie several times now. All I can think of when I see them is Abby eating some of her “meals” now and saving some for later which is both nasty and kinda funny.

While Owen and Abby get closer and closer, eventually Abby’s “father” goes out on a hunt which goes horribly wrong. Of course this is what we saw in the opening as he doused himself in a strong acid to prevent the police from identifying him. Abby hears the news and goes up to the hospital to see him one last time.

May I come in?

Oh...

so that's what he looks like now.

To be honest, the combination of Michael Giacchino’s score, Moretz’s and Jenkins’ acting, and our prior knowledge of Abby and her “father’s” relationship almost moves me to tears every time I watch this scene. It doesn’t quite get there since my feelings are still complicated on the whole “killing innocent people” thing, but it’s obvious these two have been through a lot together.

Abby’s “father” ends up sacrificing himself to her by allowing her to suck his blood which results in him falling out the window like we saw earlier. This solemn moment immediately turns around when Abby knocks on Owen’s window. Owen lets her come in but apparently she’s naked (they don’t show that). Owen reacts like anyone would.

Will you go steady with me?

Wow, kid, you really don't get out much, do you?

Now that Abby’s “father” is out of the picture as well, it allows the movie to dedicate more time to Owen and Abby’s blossoming friendship. I feel like I can’t represent the in's and out’s of a relationship in a review format though. One thing I feel like I should say is that the relationship can kinda slow things down sometimes.

I know the movie wants to focus on the relationship, but honestly I wish there was a bit more gore. Sorry, I’m very picky when it comes to my gore. Mostly when this movie has blood and guts it’s pretty well done, but I kinda just want more of it. Of course it’ll get crazier in the climax, but I don’t wanna wait that long.

In the midst of all the friendship stuff we get a few pieces of backstory, buildup, and even spooks. The thing that stands out to me the most is when Owen finds an old photo in Abby’s apartment of her and her “father” which also proves why he’s not her father. The picture shows Abby and the man with Abby the same age and the man not a man at all, but just a boy. That’s the scariest thing in the movie.

We also see Kenny get smacked in the ear with a rod courtesy of Owen. Yeah, I needed that. However, we also see why Kenny acts the way he does. His brother is mean to him, so he takes it out on Owen. That’s pretty much it.

See you at home, little girl.

I understand what the movie’s going for and I agree with the message. You never know what someone else is going through. It’s just that this movie is rated “R,” so the people watching probably already know that, and it’s the only bit of Kenny backstory we get. Yeah, I’m really gonna remember this in a movie about a vampire.

Owen eventually finds out that Abby’s a vampire when he takes her to a secret hideout and tries to make a blood pact with her. You can see where this is going. Because of this, Abby gets a sudden blood lust which culminates in her attacking that passerby like I mentioned earlier. Eventually that same passerby will become a vampire in the hospital, but since the nurse didn’t get the memo she doesn’t last very long and gets a pretty dope exit.

Metal.

I forgot, Owen also has a religious crisis after finding out Abby’s a vampire.

Do you think...there's such a thing as evil?

Again, this is the only time the religious angle comes back into play. Why was that needed? I forget this scene is in the movie every time I watch it because it’s so pointless. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing to represent a religious crisis in film, not at all, they just definitely could’ve handled it better. Or at least handle it at all.

I have to apologize because I know I’m jumping around a lot from moment to moment, but that is one of the film’s weaknesses. Since there’s so much focus on Owen and Abby practically nothing else notable happens. Most of the film’s memorable scenes were in the first half of the movie, and this second half really drags until the focus gets back on the vampire stuff.

While I never fell asleep during any of my viewings, I can totally understand someone who did during this portion. I stand by what I said about Owen and Abby’s chemistry from before because it is pretty compelling, but unfortunately that can only go so far when this is supposed to be a vampire movie.

Speaking of “Vampire Movie,” the detective from before is still trying to solve the killings after the “father’s” death, and he goes around his apartment building to ask some questions. Eventually he makes his way to Abby’s apartment, but it doesn’t go so well for him.

Ha! You thought I was reaching for your hand. See you later! Enjoy your death!

This results in both the cutest and grossest scene in the movie at the same time.

I don't know whether to "Aww" or "Eww."

That aside, I think this image on its own represents the vast complexity of Abby’s character and the debate Owen is currently having in his head if he made the right choice to be Abby’s friend. I love it when movies have moments like this that sum up the entire thing in one shot. It’s because of this that Owen creates some distance between him and Abby for a little while.

So Owen has PE the next day in the pool where Kenny, his older brother, and his henchmen decide to get revenge on Owen for the whole “Ice Pole to the Ear” thing. They end up cornering Owen after lighting a fire outside to lead the teacher away and force him to hold his breath underwater for 3 minutes. They’re taking this split-ear situation way too seriously.

If Owen can’t hold his breath for 3 minutes they’re going to gouge one of his eyes out.

Better take a deep breath.

What kind of "Jeff the Killer" gangster bullies are these?

Also, it was way too easy to get rid of everyone to make this revenge plot possible.

Unlucky for these bullies, Abby bursts in and murders all of them in some pretty horrific ways I might add.

Oh...that's a severed head.

There's not much gore with this one, but it definitely doesn't look pleasant.

Damn! They're dropping like flies.

This results in Owen and Abby reuniting, but you have to ask: Did Abby come to save Owen, or was she just hungry? You don’t know in the end, but since Owen has been through enough at this point he decides he now wants to stay with her. He takes the next train out of town with Abby in that same crate from before to protect her from the sun and the movie ends with the saga continuing.

Is Let Me In worth the watch this Spooky Season? Well, much like Owen and Abby’s relationship, it’s complicated.

---

Even if you take out some of my personal issues with the over-emphasis on Owen and Abby’s friendship, there are still characters that aren’t needed, plot threads that go nowhere, and faulty logic from time-to-time. For some that’ll be hard to overlook, and since this is my job at this point I couldn’t overlook them either. However, what’re the things I liked about this?

Well I still stand by all the things I mentioned in my review that I enjoyed. The relationship between Abby and Owen is still interesting even if I wish they pulled back on that from time to time. Abby’s “father” is still my favorite character for what he represents for the story and for Owen going forward.

It still chills me the most knowing that the "father" was once just like Owen and Owen is going to take his place.

Everything vampire related is cool in this movie and I love how Abby is human yet also clearly not. Does the good outweigh the bad? It’s really a case-by-case sort of thing.

Some people will surely love this film, but I bet others won’t be able to get into it. To me it’s a “Take It or Leave It” kind of movie. Similarly to 12 Monkeys, there are great concepts explored in this movie that I enjoy and get me thinking, but what gets me the most is the slowness of it all.

I’ve said before that I love the “Slow-Burn” type of horror that takes its time building up to an explosive climax, but I feel like the slowness here doesn’t really build so much as pad. There are creepy moments here and there, but overall that’s about as scary as this movie gets and it doesn’t last for that terribly long either.

Also, while the climax is big, it’s not as big as I would’ve liked. It relies a bit too much on the audience to infer what’s gruesome about it as opposed to showing what’s gruesome about it. That and I think a much more explosive climax would’ve helped make the slowness (primarily of the second half) seem a bit more warranted.

All that aside, if any of the good aspects of this movie have made you interested in checking it out, then by all means invite Let Me In into your home this Spooky Season for your viewing pleasure.

Honestly I think this movie has earned a 3/5 Edward Cullens. I compared this movie to 12 Monkeys a couple times and I remember rating 12 Monkeys 3.5/5, so I decided Let Me In deserved a 3/5 because of the slower and more boring moments. Both movies had slow moments, but I feel like Let Me In had twice as many which prevented me from rating it at the same level.

(I make no claim of ownership for any of the images used in this post)

(Each of them are owned entirely by their respective copyright holders, which are not me)

(I’m just a humble blogger who talks about movies, I do not make them)

(Yet)

Avatar

Disclaimer:

The movie I’m looking at this week is rated: PG-13

There will be some content (including swearing and violence) that is inappropriate for children.

This marks my very first James Cameron film I’ve covered on this blog, but I have a feeling it won’t be the last. What a way to start off as well with what’s, in my opinion, one of his worst. To be straight up, I am a bit biased with this one because when I first saw it I absolutely hated it. My feelings were primarily colored by the fact that this was, and still remains, one of the highest grossing films of all time and yet its plot is so Middle School classroom special which, to me, makes it the WORST kind of insulting. You can probably also tell from my overemphasis on these words that I still have some strong feelings over this material. How could a truly talented filmmaker create one of the most widely viewed messterpieces in film history? When I first saw this movie, this was the primary question that was on my mind and I was relentless. Today I hope to soften my view to some degree and look at it from more of an objective standpoint, though I do expect my personal feelings will still rear their ugly head from time-to-time. If you’re willing to go on this journey with me, I’d like to thank you in advance for bearing with my inevitable outbursts of rage (especially if you like this movie yourself), and if I do see something that I legitimately like I’ll do my best to point it out and give it the recognition it deserves.

To start off, one of the biggest things that I did like in this movie (I imagine like most others) was the look and feel of Pandora. While not being the most clearly defined from a worldbuilding standpoint (is that just the theme of my reviews right now?), I can’t deny that it definitely looks cool and is fun to watch the characters prance around in it to some degree. Outside of that I’m having a difficult time thinking of many other things that I legitimately enjoyed about the movie prior to properly opening this review. Given the tone of the last paragraph, I’m sure you’d rightfully assume that most of what I have to say about this film to start off is negative. Naturally my biggest gripe is about the story and writing, but that also leaves out the flat characters, unoriginal message, and even plagiaristic ideas it has throughout. Sure I’m not looking forward to this journey, especially with the recent release of the sequel to this movie Avatar: The Way of Water (please don’t make me review that…), but maybe there really is something I missed the first time. That’s probably my favorite part of these reviews that I do: how I’m able to go back and notice things about movies I never noticed before. Without any more beating around the bush, let’s lie down in that avatar mind-transfer machine and get going.

Pray to Eywa…just…pray to Eywa. This is Avatar.

---

Not gonna lie, this is a pretty good start.

I gotta give props that Avatar was not only shot entirely in IMAX, but they took full advantage of that. There are several sweeping shots that make you feel like you’ve been transported to another world and it’s drop-dead gorgeous.

But then, you know…they start talking.

When I was lying there in the VA hospital, with a big hole blown through the middle of my life, I started having these dreams of flying.

Dare I say we have a free-spirited protagonist?!

One thing that becomes clear from the outset is that the movie doesn’t have any momentum. There’s no catalyst to this tale outside of our main character Jake Sully (played by Sam Worthington) being shipped out on a mission his brother was supposed to go on because he died. I know this is supposed to make us feel for our narrator, but first, we never learn more about his brother, and second, look at how they explain it:

Since your genome is identical to his, you could step into his shoes, so to speak.

Where do I even begin with that?

You’re saying you want to send this guy with no scientific background into a deathtrap just because his DNA is relatively similar to his brother’s? Okay…bear in mind that we’re not even 3 minutes into this nearly 3 hour movie. I hate to say it, but this movie just beat At World’s End in terms of insane logic. I didn’t think that was technically possible, but the evidence clearly stands before you, because it at least took At World’s End 5 minutes to lose me.

They’re sending a guy off to a planet that’s been described as worse than Hell itself to do something he’s never done before in his life because he “had a brother.”

…One of the world’s highest grossing movies, everyone. Can’t you just tell?

Another thing you’ll notice is that the world-building is very shaky. When they touch down on the planet, they show off these mechs the humans use which really just makes anyone driving it bigger. They even have the mechs carry giant guns and giant knives with their machine arms. Is it that hard to come up with a cool robot?

Insert immediate dumb.

Come on, this is the same guy that made The Terminator, you gotta have something better than this.

Soon after we’re introduced to Colonel Miles Quaritch (played by Stephen Lang) who only digs us deeper into the hole that this movie is.

You are not in Kansas anymore - 

SHUT UP!

Yeah, we get ourselves a generic military speech from every generic military commander who ever generically militaried courtesy of discount Ricardo Montalban. Of course he’s here to set up how dangerous Pandora is and the fact he’s obviously going to be the bad guy at the end of the movie, but couldn’t they have made him a little more interesting? Every time he’s onscreen I just feel disappointed that the movie isn’t about to break out into some country song and dance number.

The movie wants to spit out more characters who’ll be equally uninteresting so we also meet Norm, Jake’s soon-to-be science partner (played by Joel David Moore), and Grace, the head of science operations (played by Sigourney Weaver).

The thing about Norm is that there isn’t a thing about him. He’s just the sidekick, the Robin to Jake’s Batman so to speak. Sure he knows things (so I’ve been told), but he never gets much of an opportunity to showcase it throughout the movie since so much of the focus is on Jake. In the end there isn’t much to say about him, so let’s move on.

Grace on the other hand is supposed to be rough-and-tumble I guess, but she’s just not convincing. It’s weird that in the early days of this blog I reviewed Galaxy Quest where Sigourney Weaver played a character completely unlike what you’d expect her to play, and now, in Avatar, she’s playing the character you’d expect but playing it wrong. Every line she says sounds like a watered down Ripley from Aliens (which coincidentally James Cameron also directed).

I don’t blame Weaver for this necessarily, mainly because at this point she’d been out of a role like this for years (kinda like Harrison Ford in Kingdom of the Crystal Skull) so she probably just wasn’t used to it anymore. That and at this point she’s just getting older, so when you try to play your 60 year-old self like your 37 year-old self there’s going to be a disconnect.

Weaver expresses her anger over her casting - I mean her situation, by taking her complaint to the CEO of Blatant Symbolism Inc., Parker Selfridge (played by Giovanni Ribisi).

I love this putter!

You can tell he's a heartless businessman by the way he practices his putting on the job.

He also gives us the reason why he’s a heartless businessman.

This is why we're here: unobtainium.

Okay, that's just embarrassingly bad and clearly a first draft idea.

Was "reallyrarium" already taken?

What’s even more insulting about this is that unobtainium isn’t much of a driving force in this movie. We only hear Parker mention it twice. That’s it! It would hit harder if say the Na’vi used unobtainium for the sake of construction, making tools, medicine, weapons, or even if it was sacred to them in some way kinda like how the Wakandans used vibranium in Black Panther. That would create a stronger conflict throughout the rest of the movie. But nope, it’s just there. I’ll give it this: it is embarrassingly funny.

Speaking of embarrassingly funny, Giovanni Ribisi is so wasted in this role. His whole purpose is just to hammer in the movie’s bullshit message that several other movies have delivered better, and he hammers by explaining the Na’vi community is sitting on top of the largest unobtainium mine on the planet which is why his company and the marines want to drive them away.

Well enough of that scene. Norm and Jake get set up for their first avatar linkage together which goes about as well as you’d expect.

Wait, so it turns out that sending a guy on a journey he wasn't qualified for is a bad idea?

Jake gets so excited that he can use his legs that he runs outside across the base.

[NORM] Jake, we're not supposed to be running!

After this bit of excitement, Jake exits his linker to talk to the Colonel again which is about as awkward and heavy-handed as you would expect.

The "Avatar" program is a bad joke. Buncha limp-dicked science majors.

Wait, he's gonna be the bad guy?

Totally didn't see that coming.

For real, this just sounds like a bad after-school special about anti-bullying with more swearing. It wouldn’t be out of place at all to randomly see one of the My Little Pony characters pop up to further drive home the point that’s already been driven home so hard that it crashed through the other side of the house.

So children, what was Colonel Quaritch’s mistake?

• He didn’t follow safety protocol

• He was mean to the scientists

• He said “yes” to this movie

Very good, children!

Anyway: Jake’s first mission. That goes about as well as you’d expect too. But first let’s talk about the world a bit.

Once again I have to stress that it looks outstanding.

While it looks great, there’s nothing underneath. No layers, no development, no nothing. For example, look at this wildlife.

Sure it looks cool, but what is this?

Basically a reptile lemur monkey.

Nice, but what is it?

Basically a rhino if it were also a hammerhead triceratops. 

This one should be obvious.

You'll notice as well that they try to make these animals seem different just by giving them an extra pair of limbs.

Extra limbs does not a new species make.

You just made a mutated regular animal.

That, and remember when Colonel Quaritch said this?

Every living thing that crawls, flies, or squats in the mud wants to kill you and eat your eyes for Jujubes. 

Most of them are pretty harmless actually.

It’s only the big cat with stolen Jurassic Park sounds that’s legitimately dangerous (seriously, Spielberg should probably demand royalties). I can understand wanting to subvert expectations and painting Quaritch as an ignorant meathead, but there still should’ve been some payoff with that. The planet is literally called “Pandora,” named after a Greek legend about all the world’s atrocities being released from a box, can’t you at least somewhat deliver what you promised?

Also, there isn’t a whole lot of “wildlife doing things” in this movie. It’s pretty disappointing. Sure there are moments of Jake training with the Na’vi with wildlife, but they don’t really attack that much. The only scenes outside of this one here with Jake on his first mission that involve animals attacking are Jake’s first night in the forest with the hyena mutants and the climax. That’s it! To help convey the message that nature is superior to technology, you should really show more nature kicking ass.

We’ll get to the stupid Na’vi metaphors later, but for now Jake gets separated from Grace and Norm on the mission because safety’s a joke and ends up being chased by Cat Monster. His science team tries to look for him but turns up nothing.

I'm sorry, Doc, he's just gonna have to hang on 'til morning.

Oh, this is also Trudy, the pilot (played by Michelle Rodriguez).

He won't make it 'til morning.

You'll never guess what he does.

We then move on to Jake, of course, surviving in the forest when he gets attacked by mutated hyenas and saved by Neytiri (played by Zoe Saldana). Thus begins the Dances With Wolves portion of the movie. I’m definitely not the first reviewer to mention this, but it doesn’t get any less infuriating so I’m talking about it.

Much like Dances With Wolves, Jake will eventually realize the error of his ways as a marine grunt, join the side of the indigenous, and show those assholes what for. But it’s different because it’s -

IN SPACE!!!!!

You're like a baby: making noise, don't know what to do.

At least we agree on something.

We also get to know a bit about how the Na’vi view nature and the environment which is no different than any other stereotypical Native in western cinema. The world provides for you while you provide for the world, that’s essentially it. My biggest problem is how this race of people lightyears away from Earth somehow managed to develop very similar ideas to indigenous American tribes. Funny how that works.

Let me just say that Neytiri’s logic in her intro is also hard to follow. She rescues Jake from the hyenas, but is still pissed at him for forcing her to kill the hyenas. If you didn’t want to kill the hyenas, why not just let Jake die?

If you love your little forest friends, why not let them just kill my ass?

That's what I said!

Apparently we learn later that some floating jellyfish sperm chose him to be the savior of the Na’vi.

You so deserve all that money...

Neytiri draws the line at saving him though. She just wants to leave Jake behind and not teach him their ways because in her eyes he’s a lost cause. Okay, I wasn’t loving the floating jellyfish sperm, but if they’re supposed to mean something then actually listen to them you friggin’ idiot.

Jake follows Neytiri to her village but gets captured by Tsu’tey (played by Laz Alonso) and brought before the chief, Eytukan (played by Wes Studi), who’s also Neytiri’s father. Because why wouldn’t Neytiri just be a random villager, of course she’s the chief’s daughter. Neytiri’s mother, Mo’at (played by Carol Christine Hilaria Pounder), decides that Neytiri needs to teach Jake their ways to -

see if your insanity can be cured.

That's actually a pretty good way of putting it.

I think at this point the movie just wants things to get moving, so it introduces a handful of characters relatively quickly. Despite that, it still takes the movie 8 and-a-half minutes to get from the floating jellyfish sperm scene back to the base. There’s just a lot of talking in between those 2 moments. If the story was more of an original creation then I might be able to forgive this, but if you’ve ever seen any other movie like this then you know exactly where it’s going.

Sure the tribes people don’t trust him right now and think he’s an idiot, but over the course of the movie they’ll grow to understand/like him and vice versa while Jake learns more about how they live and adapts to their ways. That’s honestly most of what the next 30 minutes of runtime is: a training montage. You know training montages are cool because they’re short, right?

I kinda don’t wanna talk about it because it’s ridiculously predictable. The only “unique” thing the movie explores is the Na’vi’s ponytails. Apparently they can use them to plug into the world around them. Aww, baby’s first metaphor, how adorable. We see Jake’s relationship with Neytiri and Tsu’tey get stronger over time, Jake reports back to Quaritch and Selfridge with village blueprints (until he doesn’t), Jake gets himself a pet pterodactyl, and we learn about the legend of Toruk.

Toruk chose him. It has only happened 5 times since the time of the First Songs.

I'm sure this won't come back into the movie at all.

It’s one thing if a movie is so bad that it takes me several paragraphs to break down one stupid thing, but I think it’s worse when a movie is way too comfortable being predictable. What else is there for me to say? You already know the rest of the plot of the movie.

This isn’t always a bad thing. If a filmmaker uses a predictable story but gives their own unique spin on it then it can actually be surprisingly interesting. I think you can guess that this movie doesn’t do that. Basically: nature rules, humans drool. Jake’s gonna show the Na’vi what he’s worth, rise up against the humans, and reclaim Pandora for the Natives with practically no original twists along the way. In case you didn’t know, the trailer also gave it away. Yippee.

Strangely enough this reminds me of a movie with an environmental message I covered before that added more layers to its story and themes: WALL-E. In that movie they not only presented their ideas through a more character-driven story, but offered a more optimistic take on the subject matter. WALL-E not only had humans making mistakes and causing the Earth to be left in ruin, but the humans were also the ones to correct their mistakes by rebuilding the world they left behind. So much more interesting.

In The Lorax (the original animated short, not the Illumination movie) the Once-Ler is greedy and obsessed with corporate expansion until he realizes the error of his ways after he’s destroyed everything. He then takes it upon himself to instill the drive to regrow the planet in a child who cares a whole awful lot. The story ends with the fate of the world ambiguous and forces the watcher/reader to think about what they’ll do to restore their homeland as well.

It’s crazy how in those stories made for kids they’re able to get across more complex ideas with this same material than Avatar does when it’s supposed to be the “adult version.” Yes, DC called. They want you to stop stealing their schtick.

Now seems like a great time for Jake to officially become an Omaticaya and have family friendly sex with Neytiri.

Wait, but all is not well in paradise -

Cockblocker!

Jake links into his avatar body and tries to dismantle the bulldozers, but to no avail. He runs back to the village with Neytiri only to interrupt a war room conversation. Meanwhile Quaritch caught Jake trying to dismantle the bulldozers on camera and forcibly cancels his avatar link session.

Are you out of your goddamn mind?

That punch felt really satisfying.

Can I see it again?

I feel better.

Of course they all end up getting chewed out by Quaritch and Selfridge - yada yada yada - but the stupidest part is this:

They're not gonna give up their home. They're not gonna make a deal.

Wait, so the Blatant Symbolism Inc. and the military had access to every researcher's video logs the whole time?

If that’s the case then why even have the scenes of Jake reporting to Quaritch and Selfridge before? Since either of them could’ve just checked his video logs at any time, why wouldn’t they just watch those to get the information they needed? Also, how long have they been watching them? Clearly long enough for them to know the exact log that feeds into their plans. What makes it more difficult to follow is that we never get a solid idea of when everything is taking place.

When did Jake make this video log? 2 weeks ago? 1 month ago? Yesterday? Also if Quaritch had discovered this earlier than now, why wouldn’t he have decided to attack the Na’vi sooner before waiting for Jake to turn on them? That seems like a large tactical oversight. There are so many questions pertaining to just this minute-long reveal that never get answered which just drives me up the wall.

Ultimately Jake convinces Selfridge to let him negotiate with the Na’vi to move before they bulldoze their village. It doesn’t work so Jake and Grace get captured by the Na’vi. Did I forget to mention she’s here? She’s here. This leads to the military destroying the village and Eytukan dying. Wait, who’s Eytukan?

Oh right, Neytiri's father.

He had so much development I'm surprised I forgot.

So now Jake is outcast from both societies: Humans and Na’vi. Why? Because we’re doing the “Liar Revealed” thing. He also gets arrested along with Norm and Grace.

Hey, is that Trudy, the pilot? Yeah! Say, why is a pilot who disobeyed orders delivering food to priso - 

Critical thinking is not my strong suit.

Trudy breaks our heroes out of jail and they get shot at by Quaritch in the process. He’s so badass he doesn’t even need a rebreather. They end up escaping on a flying machine, but Grace gets shot despite the fact they never show her getting shot. It just got real. Trudy flies the avatar linker to a remote location and Jake, to regain the trust of the Na’vi…

tames Toruk.

Toruk is the baddest cat in the sky. Nothing attacks him, so why would he ever look up?

"Because I've been a Na'vi for maybe a few months so I can figure out how to do something that the Na'vi have only done 5 times in their 1,000+ year existence."

"Hey, check it out, it worked."

By doing this the Na’vi agree to heal Grace by performing a ritual to permanently bind her with her avatar body. It doesn’t work.

She is with Eywa now.

I feel about as sad as I did when she died in Alien 3.

This rouses some deep feelings in Jake which push him to rally the Na’vi against the humans (or “Sky People”). One of the things I actually like about this is how Jake tries to speak the Na’vi language but gives up only to have Tsu’tey translate for him. It’s funny to me because Jake is still a meathead by the end of the movie and it’s been made clear how difficult the language is for him. He’s not Kevin Costner, he’s still “Marine Man” who couldn’t care less about the formalities, so I think it works.

The problems become clear again when it’s revealed that there are apparently multiple Na’vi tribes around the planet. Neytiri’s tribe is just 1 of them. I wouldn’t have a problem with this normally because it’s a logical conclusion to draw, but look at the designs of these tribes.

They all look practically the same just given different accessories and war paint.

It’s at this point that I think it starts to become genuinely insulting to real life Native tribes. One thing you can certainly say about Native tribes is that no two are the same. They each have their own traditions, means of surviving, connection to the land around them, languages, spiritual practices, and stories to tell. You wouldn’t say Cherokee is Navajo, or Sioux is Comanche, or Lakota is Shoshone. Since the Na’vi are the Native stand-ins for this movie, that’s essentially what they’re saying with each of these tribes being the same. It’s not Pocahontas insulting, but it’s getting there.

[heaviest sigh that ever sighed] Anyway, with all of the Na’vi now on his side, Jake prays to Eywa for help in this battle.

I need a little help here.

Our Great Mother does not take sides, Jake.

It's funny because she's wrong.

At this point we’re officially in climax territory as we gear up for this final battle. One thing I will say is that despite this movie not being good, James Cameron does still know how to shoot a good action scene.

Now this is the same guy who made T2.

Quick, something remind me how unoriginal this movie is!

Yeah, git some!

Git some, git some!

That'll do.

So Trudy dies, Tsu’tey dies, even Norm’s avatar dies (you don’t die if your avatar dies, you just wake up in your linker traumatized). All seems lost until, out of nowhere, Eywa decides to help by sending in animal backup. She could’ve sent in reinforcements before everyone died you know. Best. Deity. Ever. Also, it’s when your enemy gets a literal Goddess on their side that you should probably give up. Why’re you even trying at this point?

Quaritch gets pissed when Jake destroys his flying machine though and somehow thinks he can win this fight by himself. He’s so badass he doesn’t even care that his arm is on fire.

And thus, the Giga Chad was born.

Eventually Quaritch gets cornered by Neytiri and her Cat Monster, but he’s so badass he pulls out a giant mecha knife.

Why do you even have one of those?

He kills Neytiri’s Cat Monster and goes to kill her too until Jake saves her. Since Quaritch just-so-happened to come across Jake’s linker pod, he goes to kill his real body. Neytiri ends up saving him though and shoots Quaritch twice with the neurotoxin arrows. He’s so badass that he only seems mildly annoyed by the fact that he’s dead.

What, so I'm dead and shit? This is gonna ruin my whole day.

Also, I know this movie wants me to feel satisfied that he's dead, but no.

He was just a bland, stupid, one-noted character that will fade into obscurity like all the others.

...What was his name again?

Jake is saved, they send the humans back to Earth, Toruk is set free, Jake makes his last video log, and they perform the same ritual they did on Grace to Jake which permanently binds him to his avatar body.

Was it worth it?

…Well…maybe.

---

Let me just say: it’s awful. Truly -

IT’S AWFUL

- but I can see how people got into it. After all, the reason why we go to the movies is to experience different worlds, new planes of existence that feel like they really exist. While I have several problems with what this world is, I can understand being drawn in by how this world looks. It is very attractive and on the big screen is what makes it all the more beautiful to watch which is more than likely where that $2,923,706,026 box office figure came from.

When it was in theaters people likely weren’t watching this movie for whatever half-assed story they threw together, but more to experience the feeling of a different reality that they almost felt a part of themselves. Also, many of the criticisms I have are the same criticisms most other people have which makes me confident that most other people watch this movie for the reason I’m guessing.

Something I was worried about after looking at that huge box office return number was Hollywood using that as an excuse to pump out more lame stories with milquetoast characters and very little though. It seems that Avatar has left behind a different legacy. One that forces movies of today to strive to be visual marvels. That’s something Avatar definitely is: a spectacle. Every scene is practically gleaming with color and wonder, and it’s hard for me not to give props to the filmmakers for that aspect.

After viewing the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise there’s definitely a stark contrast between the dark and murky cinematography of those films compared to the bright and vibrant shots of this one. I honestly wouldn’t mind any of the shots from this movie being my desktop background. Especially this one:

That's a keeper right there.

So if you’re wanting to watch this movie for your weekend movie night, I’d say there are way better films to choose from. However, if I have to thank a film for giving us the polished cinematography of modern cinema, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but thanks Avatar.

O to rate this movie…1/5 blue fursuits. Like I said, this movie still sucks, but even the beautiful shots can’t save it (unless they re-release this movie on IMAX). Dammit! I shouldn’t give them ideas. Unless you have a home theater with a 50 foot screen, don’t bother. Just show your appreciation for the visual culture it created by watching something that’s both visually appealing and complex in its writing.

(I make no claim of ownership for any of the images used in this post)

(Each of them are owned entirely by their respective copyright holders, which are not me)

(I’m just a humble blogger who talks about movies, I don’t make them)

(Yet)

Willow

Disclaimer:

The movie I’ll be reviewing today is rated: PG.

In 1988.

It just got real.

I’m gonna be honest, I’m not entirely sure how to open this review. I have seen this movie once before writing this intro, but I’m having trouble putting my feelings into words. When I did watch this movie I remember having mixed feelings at best since I recall the film being a bit all over the place and trying really hard to be a kid’s fantasy classic when it barely knew how to tell a decent story, yet it still had a certain 80’s charm to it that’s hard to find in most other films like it. Overall I think my impression of it was that it was one of those films that was easy to have a soft spot for (and I understand anyone who does have a soft spot for it), but in the end it’s not that great. Heck, I’d imagine enough people did have a soft spot for it since not too terribly long ago Netflix adapted the story into a show that continues the ideas of the movie, follows the grown up child (I can’t remember her name) into adulthood, and even brings back actors from the original.

Besides that, there are a few things that stand out to me right now. I remember Val Kilmer being engaging to watch, despite not being the best actor it’s still fun seeing Warwick Davis in anything, Patricia Hayes’ character was pretty funny being trapped in various animal bodies until eventually being set free, and that one stop-motion monster that was especially awkward. Mostly it suffers from the same issues The Dark Crystal suffers from such as not having a very well-defined world along with bare bones characters and plot lines. Unlike The Dark Crystal however, Willow doesn’t possess the unique voice, creativity, and passion that The Dark Crystal has. Instead of being a film that was cut down and drastically changed for being too different, it seems like Willow was lengthened out when it didn’t need to be since it was more marketable and safe. In the end I felt like it turned out a relatively lackluster product that I’d rather not rewatch if I could avoid it. Unfortunately that was before I created this blog so now it’s up to me to lay in the bed I made for myself. Although, is there anything that I missed the first time I saw this movie? There’s only one way to find out, so let’s set off on this journey together.

Keep a close eye on that baby and watch out for the evil queen in Willow!

---

Ah, reading.

Let's be real, the only reason they said "It is a time of dread" is because "It is a time of baby murder" was too real.

That's literally the first thing that happens in the movie!

You know, this should've been a Disney production.

It would've gotten a G! 

Fun for all ages!

Kind of like with The Dark Crystal, a lot of the issues with this movie become clear in the first couple minutes. Unlike The Dark Crystal’s intro though, this movie’s opening is almost laughably all over the place! A lot of the acting is ridiculous and awkward even from our main villain: Queen Bavmorda (played by Jean Marsh). Right before we’re introduced to our main villain, one of the memorable characters, Sorsha, (played by Joanne Whalley) just walks by the screen unceremoniously without any sort of character building.

The omen is true, I must tell my mother.

That's it.

What kind of an introduction is that?!

We don't even learn her name!

The midwife who delivered the baby we saw is able to escape with the baby insultingly easily, even passing by our big, bad villain in the process.

We later learn that Bavmorda has very powerful magic, so you'd think she'd have some kind of baby monitor spell or something.

Either that or you'd expect the baby to, you know, make a noise as babies do.

(Sidenote: this is probably the quietest baby in human existence.)

Also, this is the first shot of our baddie.

Even the camera and staging treat her like "Yeah, I'm evil and...stuff." 

The midwife is able to travel from the dungeon to the exterior of the castle in about 4 or 5 seconds (I guess she’s The Flash) no doubt bypassing all sorts of other guards in the process who pay no mind to the unattended working-class woman walking out of the castle with a baby-sized container. We get more awkward acting from the mother of the child, even a whisper-y temper tantrum from Bavmorda after she realizes the baby is gone, the opening credits roll as the midwife continues to take care of the baby while also travelling farther and farther away from the castle, and we end this sequence with the midwife putting the baby on a convenient naturally occurring baby raft in a river to protect her from the onslaught of Bavmorda’s 1 headed Cerberuses she has at her beck-and-call. This also results in the midwife getting eaten by the aforementioned 1 headed Cerberuses (Is it Cerberuses or Cerberi?). I guess her Flash powers didn’t work in this instance.

We thank you for your sacrifice random citizen.

For your trouble, we'll definitely remember to credit you.

...definitely.

Bear in mind, everything I just described takes place in the first 4.5 - 5 minutes of the film! I’m sorry, that’s way too much stupid for me to process in one sitting! To be fair, I will give credit to the filmmakers that it definitely gets you prepared for the movie you’re about to watch. Also, one detail I admit I like about this opening is that you start off not knowing who ‘Willow’ is. Pretty much everyone you come across from the mother of the child, the child herself, or the midwife could be Willow until you’re finally introduced to the real Willow Ufgood (played by Warwick Davis) after the child washes up on the river bank outside his house.

One thing I think I should clear up as well is that I mentioned in the opening that Warwick Davis didn’t have the greatest acting in this movie. I do want to dial it back a bit, mostly because that was before I learned that Davis was actually 18 when he played this part. Considering he didn’t have many roles prior to this one and most of them involved physical acting as opposed to verbal acting, I feel compelled to cut him a break for that. It doesn’t take away from the fact that watching him, especially for these first few minutes before he sets out on his journey, can be a little weird. While I think Davis’ facial expressions are pretty good, I feel like it’s his inflections and mannerisms that are off. Once again it’s a bit tricky to convey that through writing when you can’t hear the performance, but I’ll do what I can.

Kiaya!

Hey, I will not be ignored!

No, no, they'll think it's a bad omen. There'll be a flood, or a drought, and everyone will blame me for it. "Willow Ufgood brought around that Daikini, didn't he? That's right, and he's that lousy farmer, too. Let's get him!" 

Calm down?

Yeah, what do you mean "Calm down?"

It didn't look or sound like he flew off the handle at all.

Also, it's because of these things that make Willow come across as kind of annoying in these opening minutes. 

Personally I think that Warwick Davis, like how I described Ke Huy Quan in my Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom review, has a natural onscreen charisma that can’t really be faked. Because of this I can’t hate Willow for any of these details and is why I always enjoy seeing Davis in any production even if it isn’t especially good. What makes it a bit harder to take is when the story tries to step in and fix it by throwing in a random jerk named Burglekutt (played by Mark Northover) who doesn’t belong in this story.

Like most other random jerks, Burglekutt isn’t especially well-developed, doesn’t have much of a personality outside of ‘jerk’, and is only in the story to make Willow’s monotone whining seem justified. Like every other story structured similarly to this one: Willow longs for something more outside of his mundane life, is underappreciated by everyone around him, and will eventually go on a journey to prove his worth. Burglekutt is no different from Cinderella’s stepsisters whose only purpose is to cause misery in the protagonist’s life so the audience can relate to and feel sympathy for them. Unlike Cinderella’s stepsisters, Burglekutt doesn’t even stay in the story through to the end!

He’s only here for this opening section up until they meet Val Kilmer’s character (about 30 minutes into this 2 hour movie) and has one more split-second scene at the very end. It’s not even like the weight of Burglekutt remains on Willow’s shoulders throughout the entire story either through subtle visuals or well-written dialogue to the point where we can tell that Willow is being motivated by Burglekutt’s misgivings as the story goes on. Like most other characters he’s just ‘there.’ Part of this makes me wonder if this story is being written by following an online storytelling checklist and nothing else. I also totally forgot Burglekutt was a character when I rewatched the movie for this review!

I seen enough!

At least we can agree on something.

As it turns out, Willow is a farmer who’s an aspiring sorcerer on the side and doesn’t take well to the sudden appearance of this baby. That is until he holds her for the first time.

I will never love this snot covered - 

- bundle of joy forever until the end of time!

Also, I think it's worth mentioning that the best laughs in this movie just come from the baby's facial expressions.

I'm not even gonna caption this.

Whatever you thought of in your head I'm sure is a million times funnier than anything I could write here!

Not too long after this, we have a festival with the rest of the Nelwyn (Willow’s race) village which is legit kinda fun. Much like the Podling Party in The Dark Crystal, it’s surprisingly more fun than it has any right to be. During this bit of fun we get a showcase of Willow’s sorcery which is really just a magician act. To me this also begs the question: what’s the point of fake magic if real magic exists in this world? There are literally people who can turn apples into birds, so why is this supposed to be impressive? Willow is also one of the village leader’s apprentice hopefuls for this year, go figure, but he ends up fumbling at the crucial question:

Now, the power to control the world is in which finger?

Uh...what?

No apprentice this year!

Oh, does that mean we don't get a movie?

Nope, because right after Willow’s failure the 1 headed Cerberi from earlier come in hunting for the baby. For real, I actually kinda like the effects on these vicious animals. I’m pretty sure they managed to accomplish it by putting actual dogs or some other medium-sized four-legged creature in specially crafted costumes which look pretty good. Besides these relatively good effects though, this is still an 80’s movie so quite a few of the effects are pretty dated. However, we’ll get to those when we get to those.

Did you enjoy this scene of the 1 headed Cerberuses?

Yes?!

Well that's great, because this is the last time you'll see them!

After dispatching the attacking animals and discovering what they were looking for, a meeting is called to figure out what should be done. Willow gathers his family, including the baby, and brings them to the town meeting to help protect the village from future attacks. This results in Willow being chosen to take the baby to the crossroads where the Daikini (tall people) civilization is said to intersect with the Nelwyn civilization and find a Daikini to take care of the baby. With the help of Willow’s friend Meegosh (played by David Steinberg), a few Nelwyn soldiers, and Burglekutt, the Fellowship of the Baby sets out on their adventure. Before they leave Willow gets a talking to from the village leader about having faith in himself, because apparently Willow thought of the correct answer to the village leader’s question from earlier only to go back on his instincts and pick something he thought sounded more right.

You lack faith in yourself! More than anyone in the village, you have the potential to be a great sorcerer!

Not to sound like Burglekutt, but: what potential?

So far all we've seen him do is just fake magic, we haven't seen him do any real magic.

Is it true that all it takes to be a powerful sorcerer is to have the ability to answer brain teasers?

We also get a goodbye between Willow and his family. This I think is also where some of Davis’ awkwardness comes back into play. To reiterate, I don’t blame him entirely for this, but especially since learning that he was only 18 when he played this role, he comes across less like a father to his supposed children and more like an older brother. This makes even more sense when you find out that Dawn Downing (the actress who played Mims) and Mark Vandebrake (the actor who played Ranon) were only 6 and 8 at the time as well! Knowing this information also kinda makes their dynamic a bit creepy considering that Willow is supposed to be their father despite that his children were born when he would’ve been 10 and 12.

[MIMS] Are you scared Dada?

[WILLOW] No.

Also Kiaya (played by Julie Peters) gives Willow her hair braid that she chopped off for good luck.

This will bring you luck.

Awesome, I can't wait for this to never be mentioned again!

I mean it makes an appearance in one more scene at the very end, but that's it.

Alright, so with us as the audience given the bare bone minimum to go off of, we start our quest to deliver the baby. In the meantime, Sorsha’s having difficulty with her mother. Her mother is Queen Bavmorda. We also get a weird introduction of our side antagonist for the movie: General Kael (played by Pat Roach). Kael has a pretty cool design with this dope looking skull helmet and a relatively intimidating voice -

My Queen, I have destroyed the castle at Galladoorn.

- the only problem is that it’s revealed what he looks like way too soon after he’s introduced! It would’ve been so much cooler to just see him in that skull mask only to build up him having this horribly scarred or deformed face closer to the end of the film, but instead we get this:

He just looks like a normal guy!

Also the way he lifted his helmet to reveal his face not even a minute after he was introduced gives me some serious Dark Helmet vibes.

It's almost comical in a way.

Another thing that’s pretty comical is this line.

I trust [Sorsha's] loyalty more than I trust yours.

It's funny because she's wrong.

Also, this guy says that it was a divine symbol that told him Sorsha would betray Bavmorda one day.

If magic is real shouldn't Bavmorda take this sign more seriously?

Back with the Fellowship, they end up having to hide from Bavmorda’s forces once (where the baby again displays elevated stealth skills I don’t think any child her age is capable of), only to eventually come across the crossroads. Wow, short movie.

No, what happens is that they make it to the crossroads only for every Daikini they come across to be either too uninterested or too imprisoned to care for the baby.

Gimme some water, peck!

This pile of crap is Madmartigan (played by Val Kilmer) and I don’t believe that he’s at death’s door for a second. Especially in these first few scenes he has, it’s clear that the filmmakers are trying to get us to believe that he’s been in this crow’s cage for a long time. With the dirty outfit, nasty looking teeth, and rudely asking for water, it’s obvious that’s what they’re trying to get across. The problem with this is that Madmartigan is surprisingly spry for someone who’s supposed to be dying of dehydration, his skin looks relatively good, and his voice isn’t in any way scratchy or hoarse. Also, I’m not sure if Madmartigan is just dumb (I mean, he probably is), but when his first hope for salvation comes knocking at his door his first thought is to insult them. I don’t know about you, but if I were in his situation I’d probably be playing the pity card as hard as I possibly could to get some sympathy from these travelers. I wouldn’t care if they’re tall, short, Black, White, young, old, man, woman, just help me out here, please!

With first impressions sufficiently made, Burglekutt decides that the easy thing to do would be to let Madmartigan out of his cage and give the baby to her so they can go home. Sure that’s the easiest thing to do, but it’s not the smartest. Willow understandably objects to this plan which only results in him being laughed at while Burglekutt walks back to the village with everyone else except for Meegosh. Bye Burglekutt, no one will miss you! One thing I feel like I should mention as well is that they stay at the crossroads for a solid 8 minutes after the Fellowship disbands. I’d be able to forgive it much more if it was building essential character or furthering the story in some way, but it doesn’t do that. The only things that happen are Willow and Meegosh fight with Madmartigan, a band of soldiers ride by on horses where we’re introduced to one of Madmartigan’s former friends named Airk (played by Gavan O’Herlihy), and eventually Willow and Meegosh let Madmartigan go so he can look after the baby. That’s it, so why are we trapped here longer than we need to be?

In the end it turns out to be mostly forgettable and the only definitive purpose behind it was to set up Airk for when he reappears in the movie later (which ends up being fruitless since Airk is also a pretty forgettable character) and keep the story moving by letting Madmartigan go. You could’ve done that in 2-3 minutes though, why did you need an extra 5-6 to get that across?

Anyway, Willow and Meegosh head back to the village after giving Madmartigan the baby.

Meegosh, did we do the right thing?

Absolutely, there's nothing to worry about.

Hey look, the punchline to what I just said!

So it didn’t take long for Madmartigan to screw up babysitting as the baby gets captured by Brownies. What’re Brownies? Tiny people. Tinier than Nelwyn. Basically just regular action figure sized people.

WORLDBUILDING!

Willow and Meegosh chase the Brownies only to get captured by them. Another thing you may notice throughout this movie is that Willow is pretty useless. He doesn’t really do much outside of use a bit of magic here and there because the story was like “Oh, I forgot to give you a reason to be the main character.” Kinda like Frodo he’s basically just the baby-bearer and doesn’t do much outside of that. We’ll get back to this towards the end, but for now the Brownies take the Nelwyn to their…leader? It’s not very well explained, but this is what she looks like:

...Okay?

She also reveals that the baby’s name is Elora Danan, she gives Willow a magic wand, and tells Willow to find the sorceress Raziel to help him. Then she disappears and we never see her again. See what I mean when I say a lot of these characters feel like they’re just ‘there’? Even Galadriel and Celeborn, as little time as they got to shine in the original story, still felt like they had a place in the world that was created for them and had more character outside of speaking entirely in Expositionese. Did this ‘Leader of the Brownies’ character even have a name? I have no idea! Speaking of the Brownies, they’re probably the most divisive characters in the movie. The reason is because after this bit of enchanting looking exposition, two Brownies end up becoming main characters who mainly serve as comic relief. To me they’re just annoying, not very well green-screened, and practically never say/do anything funny.

[BROWNIE 1] She was exiled by the evil Queen Bavmorda!

[BROWNIE 2] No you fool! He does not need to know everything. 

[BROWNIE 1] I didn't tell him everything...

[BROWNIE 2] You told him enough!

Was that supposed to be funny?

[BROWNIE 2] This way.

[BROWNIE 1] No no no, I don't think so.

[BROWNIE 2] Alright, then this way.

[BROWNIE 1] Ah nope. This way.

[BROWNIE 2] This way?

[BROWNIE 1] That's what I saidUH!

What?

[BROWNIE 2] You are not in command here, shorty!

I don't even think the movie gets that joke. 

While I don’t think these characters are the death of comedy (far from it, because believe me I’ve seen a lot worse), they’re mostly just awkward. They’re visually awkward, tonally awkward, and comedically awkward. This isn’t to say that awkward humor can’t be funny, in fact there is a right way to do awkward humor! This isn’t a ding against the time period this movie is set in either, because even despite the cultural and societal differences between the era this movie is set in and the modern world, there can still be a lot of social overlaps that an average audience member can relate to. If someone is trying to derive a sense of humor out of awkwardness then usually the humor is centered around relatable social situations, self-deprecating subject matter, or generally uncomfortable moments in every-day life. Probably one of the most well-known examples of this kind of comedy is the ‘person speaking being ridiculously interrupted by someone else’ joke. Despite the fact that this joke has since been done to death, it still represents the core of awkward comedy: a humorous situation derived from the uncertainty and relatability behind a common everyday occurrence.

The kind of awkward that these jokes are is more awkward in the sense that the writers and filmmakers think the jokes are funnier than they are to the point where they either drag them out much longer than they need to, the actors overemphasize the words they’re speaking to make what they’re saying sound funnier, the jokes don’t have a proper setup to be understood by the audience, or all 3. To me it ends up being more embarrassing than funny.

Beer!

Well I wonder where this is going!

Regardless of my thoughts on this humor, Willow decides the next morning after getting the wand from the Brownies’ leader to deliver Elora on his own, so he sends Meegosh back home to keep him safe. Aww, but I thought they were gonna be the next Frodo and Sam! With little help from the Brownies, Willow makes his way to a nearby pub and decides to settle in on account of the rain where he ends up eventually running into a familiar face.

How do I look?

Oh...we're doing this?

So, in the nearly 10 minutes of being off-screen, Madmartigan has managed to get himself into yet another entanglement (he’s essentially Jack Sparrow before Jack Sparrow) by having an affair with a married man’s wife. The only reason Madmartigan is dressed as a woman is just “Haha, man in dress!” I know he’s trying to disguise himself to not be recognized by the woman’s husband, but Willow and co. could’ve just as easily found him out on their journey in the field or something and confronted him about losing track of Elora then, so this whole moment isn’t needed. Naturally, the woman’s husband comes in and is completely fooled by Madmartigan’s disguise until Sorsha reenters the picture and calls Madmartigan out on his BS. This of course causes the now enraged man who seconds earlier made a pass at Madmartigan in drag to provide him and Willow the perfect opportunity for an escape on quite possibly the worst constructed cart in human history.

These wheels didn't even hit anything, they just disintegrated out of nowhere!

What were they even made of, paper maché?

Wait, where’s Elora in all this? She’s just chillin’ in the front of the cart. While all this is going on. Um, I think if this were real life she’d probably be dead. Willow seems to agree with me, but Madmartigan has the ovaries to say this!

I just saved that infant's life!

According to the script, yes, but according to science, she's probably been killed several times over.

They also decide to stick with each other just long enough until they go their separate ways. To me that seems like a terrible idea considering how much of a liability Madmartigan is, but the movie seems to like it so who cares? We briefly get a scene from Queen Bavmorda and Kael back at her evil lair where she asks him what’s taking so long finding a baby. Since that’s the most logical question in the movie so far, I’m assuming that’s why they cut away from it so quickly. After Willow and Madmartigan make camp for the night, Willow also tries out his new wand. He says the magic words and it goes about as well as you’d expect.

Please and thank you!

A natural as you can see.

Not too long after this bit of fun they make it to the lake where the sorceress Raziel’s island is said to be. Madmartigan and Willow go their separate ways and Willow goes out onto the lake to find Raziel’s island and give her the wand. Of course Willow wants to keep Elora safe during this process so he does the smart thing and leaves her with the Brownies. If you need me to explain to you why that’s dumb, you probably wrote this movie.

George, how nice of you to read my blog!

Tell me, how are the new Star Wars adaptations going?

Willow disembarks on Raziel’s island only to find -

- a talking common brushtail possum.

Yes, I Googled this.

As much crap as I gave the Brownie humor from before, this setup does get some laughs out of me. This is apparently Raziel (played by Patricia Hayes) trapped in the body of a common brushtail possum by Queen Bavmorda to prevent her from rising against her. What mostly makes it funny for me is how Patricia Hayes leans really hard into sounding animal-like given her otherwise distinguished voice, and she does this for every animal she becomes throughout the movie! Given Willow’s inexperience with real magic, he tries a couple times to transform Raziel back into her human form only to end up trapping her in a different animal body: a crow and a goat respectively. For now Willow just takes Raziel back to see Elora until they’re interrupted by Sorsha’s army carrying a captured Madmartigan along with them. Like I said: Jack Sparrow.

Doesn't Madmartigan just have one of those easily punchable faces?

The only way he could be any more punchable was if he was also somehow Jim Morrison.

...oh wait.

So Willow escapes with Madmart - nah, you know they all get captured! I had you going for a second though, didn’t I? While they’re in the process of marching to their mountain camp, we also get this weird love thing between Sorsha and Madmartigan. Obviously they hate each other right now, but you know the golden rule of movies: if a guy meets a girl, whether they like each other or not, they have to get together in the end. Straight relationships! In their new cage, Willow tries to use the wand to free Raziel (why didn’t they take the wand away from him?) only to turn her into a crow like I said. Madmartigan also tries to pick the lock on their cage, but the Brownies whack him with love powder which turns him into James Franco from Spider-Man 3. This looks promising. After the Brownies free them, Madmartigan goes to retrieve Elora from Sorsha’s tent, but then this happens:

I love you.

"Life...finds a way." - Ian Malcolm, Jurassic Park 1993

Sorsha wakes up and is not happy, but Madmartigan distracts her with his hipster poetry long enough for Willow to swipe Elora. Something else I feel like is worth mentioning is that Sorsha is really boring. What bothers me about it is that she has the opportunity to be someone super interesting and cool, but the movie ends up doing practically nothing with her. From the way they set her up, to me it seems like she’s kind of a Han Solo, Prince Zuko, and Éowyn all rolled into one character which is awesome. In the end though, she’s just a pretty face. All she does is wear armor, look at stuff, have a dagger, get captured, get turned into a pig (but since she’s too hot for that they don’t show it, it’s just implied), and presumably marries Madmartigan. Truly a timeless character. In the sense that people will likely be writing pointless characters like this until the end of time.

Willow and co. manage to escape Sorsha and her army just long enough for Madmartigan’s love powder to wear off, and they plan an ambush for Sorsha. It’s not so much planned since they were initially just trying to hide from her until she walks right into them like a true military genius. Is that what she’s supposed to be?

Yes.

That's just stupid!

...No?

Then she's stupid!

...Yes and no!

George...

At the same time Willow and the super friends meet back up with Airk from earlier and convince him to fight alongside them. It took practically no convincing and yet the movie thinks this is plenty of time to build up a tragic death for Airk at the end of the movie. Sorry, but no. Also, before I move on there are still some things in this sequence that I thought were kinda fun. This one moment of Willow and Madmartigan sledding down a mountainside on a shield to escape Sorsha’s army is pretty cool mostly because it reminds me of something.

I'm not gonna say what it is, but it rhymes with "Verminator 2: Fudgement Day".

And again, I have to admit I laughed at this.

It's cartoon-y, but that's why I like it. 

Despite not being very good overall, I have to admit that there are certain moments in this movie that I genuinely enjoy. I’m not sure if I’d go so far to say that these scenes are enough to make me say I’m glad I watched this film, but we still have a good chunk of movie left to figure that out so let’s move on.

After Sorsha’s very dumb capture at the hands of the dumbest character, Willow’s baby posse makes their way to a castle where it’s said that there’s a fully armed army of soldiers and protection for weary travelers. The whole time, Madmartigan is arguing with Sorsha. Why didn’t he get rid of her at this point, what’s the benefit of keeping her? Also, if he truly hated her, now probably would’ve been the best time to kill her since she doesn’t have her army around to save her and that would leave her army with one fewer commander.

Well, who could've predicted this?!

Sorsha gets away and the team make their way to the castle just in time to find out that there’s no army, no people, and no protection. Fantastic. It’s such a bad situation that I actually start agreeing with Madmartigan!

"Everything will be all right when we get to Tir Asleen."

The only army around here is the one that's about to ride across this valley and wipe us out!

I hate to say it, but...yes!

How are they supposed to defend themselves like this?!

Don’t worry, some contrived writing will fix this up! Despite having no one to help them, Madmartigan at least manages to get some weapons and armor for himself while Willow sets up some catapults. Willow also tries to transform Raziel again, only to turn her into a goat. This is probably my favorite of her animal forms. The entire time Patricia Hayes is talking in this form she talks in this overly exaggerated goat voice which is just ridiculous to hear. Another thing that’s worth mentioning is that most of the time Raziel has been helping the group in subtle ways. Back when they were hiding from Sorsha she used her crow form to distract the army from Elora’s cries giving away their position (because now babies can cry at inconvenient times), and as a goat she uses her horns to butt various objects at their enemies during this siege.

Right when the group thinks they’re completely ready for the incoming army onslaught (because two people and a goat can totally fight off an entire army), they realize their fort is being invaded by trolls! If you were paying attention earlier you may remember that Willow hates trolls.

Ranon, you know I hate trolls!

By the way, what do these trolls look like?

Rejected ape extras from 2001.

Willow manages to fend this first one off by zapping it with the wand per Raziel’s suggestion, but instead of killing it, it does this.

Congratulations, it's Xenomorph conjoined twins!

Like any sensible person, Willow kicks it into the water below the bridge, but this also doesn’t kill it. Apparently this freshly formed monster has been listening to Kelly Clarkson, because “what doesn’t kill it makes it stronger” and when the army breaks into the castle, this is the first thing they see.

Nice.

I’d also like to take back a bit of what I said in the intro here as well. When I mentioned this monster there, I mostly poked fun at it and I don’t really think it’s that bad. In the end it’s still really 80’s which is charming in its own way and I’ve always been a fan of stop-motion in general because of the unique kind of motion that it can create. Of course it’s not perfect, but then again when is anything in this movie perfect? This is basically par for the course at this point! Ultimately it still has a creepy and gross design that I’d want a monster like this to have and does some pretty nasty things like gobble up soldiers and trolls alike as well as breathe fire on its enemies.

Now Willow and Madmartigan have to fend off the army forces and whatever the frick this is! This is both a blessing and a curse since the monster isn’t on anyone’s side and just eats everything it comes across, but I still feel like it’s way too easy for Willow, Madmartigan, Raziel, and Elora to survive all of this. Remember Elora?! Where is she in all this?! I’m pretty sure it’s Willow that’s holding onto her the whole time, but again I feel like she survives pretty easily like in the case with the cart from earlier. In the middle of the fight, Sorsha ends up switching sides with this display:

George, your Anakin and Padmé is showing.

Eventually Airk comes in with his army which is what turns the tide in this fight. Uh-oh, but Willow gets overpowered by Kael and Elora gets stolen! Come on, you know they’re gonna get her back in the end so this isn’t tense in the slightest. Willow however is devastated, and this is where I really like Warwick Davis’ acting, because I totally believe from his physicality, his facial expressions, and his tone that he just barely survived this arduous battle and can’t forgive himself for letting Elora get taken on his watch. His friends are there to comfort him though and they make their way to Bavmorda’s castle to stop the ritual. Wait, why is there a ritual? Why can’t Bavmorda just murder Elora and call it good?

Bavmorda also can’t believe that her own daughter turned against her despite the fact that she knew she would turn against her but refused to accept that she would turn against her. I say that’s on you, girl. In a huff she marches out to see Airk’s army outside the castle waiting for her but instead she laughs and proclaims them all pigs. This is where the movie loses me a slight bit. We haven’t seen Bavmorda do any magic up until this point so I feel like they overcompensate for that by having her use her massive power to transform the entire army into pigs. That and this is, for some reason, the most amount of power she uses in the movie! She doesn’t even go all out for the climax! What the heck?! What makes it even more insulting is that this magic doesn’t even last that long since Willow finally gets control of the wand, manages to change Raziel back to her human form, and she reverts the pig transformation, like, 5 minutes later. Not even. What was even the point of this outside of being a little funny? In the end it just slows things down more than anything!

Also yes, the whole army is made up of pigs now. Madmartigan, Airk, even including yet somehow not including Sorsha are all pigs. Side note: how is this not the most embarrassing thing Val Kilmer has ever done? The only way it would be even more embarrassing is if he said this:

It's the snout, right? Chicks love the snout.

While this is going on, Bavmorda -

Decided now is the best time to try on her Halloween costume.

Look Mommy, I wrapped the toilet paper all by myself!

Like I said though, Willow transforms Raziel back to normal causing Raziel to do the same for the pig army and they plan to infiltrate the castle the next day. Turns out all it took was tarps. For an “Evil Queen”, that’s pretty embarrassing. Seriously, the only thing they do is hide underneath the collapsed tents until the army comes out to try and kill the defenseless Willow and Raziel. I could go into more detail on how Bavmorda could’ve easily smote them ahead of time, but it’s just not worth it at this point. Regardless of how I feel, Willow and his ragtag group of soldiers are now inside the castle walls as Bavmorda prays to the Gods above in the name of the holy sweet and sour sauce. Willow, Sorsha, and Raziel make their way up the tallest tower to where the ritual is taking place and Raziel manages to keep Bavmorda busy while Willow contemplates his worth as a character.

Meanwhile, Airk gets killed by Kael. Sob. Madmartigan’s definitely sobbing, so he kills Kael. Cool. Back with the main characters, Raziel doesn’t seem to be doing so hot as Bavmorda gets the better of her, but Willow swoops in to steal Elora. It doesn’t last long. Bavmorda catches him running out with her and demands he put her back on the altar so the ritual can be finished. Why doesn’t she just friggin’ kill him if she’s such a “powerful sorceress?!” She doesn’t because she’s dumb and instead lets Willow get under her skin both figuratively and literally. Back before Willow left his village earlier in the movie, the village leader gave him magic acorns that makes anything he throws them at turn to stone. Willow goes to cash in Chekhov’s acorns only for this to happen.

So much for Chekhov's acorns...

As it turns out though, Willow has one final trick up his sleeve! He uses his magician skills to make Bavmorda believe that he made Elora disappear. She falls for it. I think we’ve established that Bavmorda isn’t very smart. The even stupider thing is that Willow doesn’t even kill Bavmorda. Seriously, how lame is that?! Say what you will about Frodo, at least he threw the Ring into Mount Doom along with Gollum! Instead I think God just got tired of Bavmorda’s crap, because this just randomly happens.

I think that's God's equivalent of a middle finger.

So basically it’s happily ever after, you know? Everyone seems to be happy as Raziel is reinstated as the greatest sorceress (a good one this time) in all the land, I’m pretty sure Madmartigan and Sorsha get married, Willow returns home to his family, and Burglekutt reminds us he was a character.

Everyone lives happily ever after as the credits roll, so what’re my thoughts? It’s complicated, but let me try and explain it for you.

---

More than anything I think it’s important for me to say that this isn’t a good movie. At the same time I can’t necessarily say it’s downright bad though, it’s mostly just unoriginal, tired, and kinda dumb. When I think about it though, I can’t help but wonder if that’s more or less what the point of it was. It’s filled with fantasy clichés left and right, but it’s also rated PG. Ultimately I feel like this movie was strictly intended for kids, and for what kids are looking for in a fantasy story I’m sure they’d like it just fine. I know my mom did when she was young considering that she grew up with this movie herself, so instead I’ve kinda started thinking about this movie as a “gateway film.” Not so much made for the purposes of pushing the boundaries of what a genre can do, but made so it can help introduce young audiences to the ideas and concepts of what the fantasy genre is with magic, swords, castles, etc. If that’s what the point of the movie was, then I think they hit the nail on the head. Most of what makes it difficult to watch for adults is what makes it easy to watch for children considering they’ve never experienced other fantasy stories before, or at least experienced very few.

Of course I don’t mean to overshadow any of my other criticisms that I had throughout this review. Do I wish the world was more well-defined? Yes. Do I wish the movie had decided to push the envelope more instead of stay in its comfort zone? Absolutely! In the end does it really matter in the eyes of a child though? No. That I think is what’s more important to remember in this context. I wouldn’t say the movie is in any way detrimental to kids who watch it, and if it’s because of this film that they become fans of the fantasy genre as they get older then more power to them. Considering that most of the people who are likely reading this blog post right now are legal adults, I wouldn’t recommend this movie for them with the exception of those few moments I can’t help but laugh at. By chance any legal adults reading this happen to have children they might consider showing this movie to, I wouldn’t tell them not to. Always remember that certain children can handle certain things more than others and I believe there are a few moments (primarily with the stop-motion monster) that you may want to consider for yourselves before showing this film to your kids. Outside of that though, if you think your child can handle some of the more frightening images and you want to introduce them to the concept of fantasy then grab your magic TV wand and watch Willow for your weekend movie night this week!

Rating this movie is a bit tricky, but I think I’ll go with a solid 2.5/5 common brushtail possums. If you made it this far you probably know how conflicted I am on this film at this point, so what I decided to do was give it a few extra credits for accomplishing what I assumed its intention was while still giving it demerits for the problems I noticed. At the end of the day the intentions of the filmmakers couldn’t outweigh the blatant issues in my eyes, but rest assured that I at least thought about this one for a while. Probably longer than is considered ‘normal’.

(I make no claim of ownership for any of the images used in this post)

(Each of them are owned entirely by their respective copyright holders, which are not me)

(I’m just a humble blogger who talks about movies, I do not make them)

(Yet)

Full Metal Jacket

Disclaimer:

The movie I’m reviewing this week is rated: R

Swearing, violence, sexual themes, and gore will be included in this review.

Stanley Kubrick. One of the greatest American filmmakers of time gone by, and this one I would consider to be a great addition to his prolific film history. He’s given us timeless classic after timeless classic and one thing an average viewer may note is how diverse they are in genre. He’s made a sci-fi epic, a horror film, a social deconstruction, a crime/romance drama, a provocative mystery, an off-the-wall comedy, and this film is his dramatic and action-packed take on the Vietnam War. To be honest, I’ve only ever seen this movie once. Not to say that I don’t remember it very well, there are scenes that definitely stick out to me, but the main thing I remember from it is its consistent brutal tone. In every scene you feel the absolute monster that war is from the beginning to the bitter end, and you never really know what’s coming your way either. From the training involved in getting soldiers out into the field to the actual work they do on the front-lines, there’s never a peaceful moment. You could also say that this stems from the chosen setting of the Vietnam War as well considering it’s one of the wars that Americans still question to this day if it was entirely necessary to be involved in it. That’s basically the thesis for this film: all this misery, and for what?

Even now we ask ourselves similar questions about battles our government is fighting on our behalf overseas at this very moment and I think this movie is a great encapsulation of that concept. You could even argue that the fact of sitting down in front of a screen watching it all happen while doing nothing also plays into the idea this movie was going for. Outside of the overall message, the movie also gives us a realistic glimpse of what it was like to be a soldier at the time by showing depictions of relationships between the men involved, some of the grittiest and most in-your-face performances ever given, and the ever looming threat of the enemy staying with you throughout the whole experience. At the end of the day though, are they really your enemy or just your country’s enemy? Keep that in mind as we look at this movie today in as much detail as I can manage. Believe me I’ll do whatever I can to break it down because one thing you can count on with every Kubrick film is layered storytelling in the staging, acting, sets, camera angles, and effects. In each of these reviews I try my hardest to address as many aspects a film presents as I possibly can, but there are always things that I miss (and I’m sure there will be with this one) so feel free to let me know in the comments and we can chat about them there! Without further ado, it looks like we’re getting shipped out.

Let’s see why I’d never survive in the military with Full Metal Jacket!

---

As we open the film we get a brief montage of all the latest Marine Corps recruits getting their heads shaved to the tune of ‘Hello Vietnam’ by Johnny Wright. Right from the get-go it seems the filmmakers are trying to convey that a part of these men’s humanity is being lost in joining the Marine Corps. None of them seem particularly pleased to have their luscious locks removed as their sense of individuality is taken away and Johnny Wright’s lyrics only cause the audience to ask the question if any of this is worth it. The last thing I really like about this not even minute-and-a-half long scene is how some of the faces we see having their hair cut off we won’t even get to know as the movie progresses. Sure a few of them will become major players, but most of them we won’t see again, and I think the point with this detail was to comment on the United States’ intention to use these people as war fodder. We won’t know most of these people by the end because they’ll probably be dead and the country they’re fighting for sees their lives as inconsequential to their flimsy cause. 

Who’s the face of that cause? No, not Uncle Sam. No, not LBJ. It’s Gunnery Sergeant Hartman (played by R. Lee Ermey) in a role you will likely never forget for the rest of your life.

I am hard, you will not like me, but the more you hate me the more you will learn!

Before I go too far I’d like to address how in this film the actor is credited as Lee Ermey yet as his career continued he began being credited as R. Lee Ermey, so in case anyone was wondering why I chose to credit him in that fashion now you know why. 

Despite only being present in the first third of the film, Gunnery Sergeant Hartman leaves a long lasting impression on anyone who sees this film because he’s hard boiled, stern, loudmouthed, and constantly in-your-face. Part of what made this performance so convincing is that actor R. Lee Ermey was an actual Drill Instructor in the Marine Corps himself and served as a rifleman and repair shop mechanic in Vietnam, so you could say this was less of a performance and more of a normal day at the office for him. He also sets the tone right from the beginning as he says to his newest batch of cadets that they are the lowest form of life on the planet.

You are not even human fucking beings! You are nothing but unorganized grab-asstic pieces of amphibian SHIT!

Okay, point made.

This relentless attitude continues as we’re slowly introduced to our protagonist Private J.T. “Joker” Davis (played by Matthew Modine), his eventual buddy Private “Cowboy” Evans (played by Arliss Howard), and human doormat Private Leonard “Gomer Pyle” Lawrence (played by Vincent D’Onofrio). Hartman doesn’t seem to be a fan of Leonard.

I don’t like the name “Lawrence”, only faggots and sailors are called “Lawrence”!

Well I think it sounds like a first draft superhero alter-ego name.

Unfortunately Leonard will be far from a superhero by the end of this story.

Hartman gives each of our notable characters a motivational speech.

You will not laugh! You will not cry! You will learn by the numbers! I will teach you!

Yeah, this is the entire first act everyone.

Essentially it’s just constant screaming and tension facilitated by Hartman, but you can’t say that wasn’t what the filmmakers were going for. Pretty much every scene in this movie involves someone suffering which only drives home how brutal war is and this first act centered around Marine Corps boot camp lasts a whole 45 minutes. Not only does it add to the carnival of human horrors that war itself ends up amounting to in the end, but you really feel like you’re with each of these cadets throughout the whole process. From everything to marching practice, PT, rifle care, proper grooming, and lots and lots of discipline, boot camp sure as hell ain’t easy. That’s not to say that nothing outside of tone building is done in the first act either. We do also get character moments that add to the overall message of the movie as well as make us relate more to these people. Mostly the cadets though, because I don’t think there’s any relating to Hartman from my purely civilian perspective.

Private Joker

Private Cowboy

Private Pyle

Naturally the most development revolves around our protagonist, Joker. We see how he wants to be a Marine to serve his country and probably kill some people, but it’s likely he’s also putting up a tough front to compensate for some kind of deep-rooted insecurity. This will become more apparent once we see him in the field later, but it’s a bit more subtle for now. He also has a significant amount of bravery, enough to stand up to Hartman on a couple of occasions, and uses his sense of humor to cope with his reality which is what earns him the nickname ‘Joker’.

[John Wayne impression]

Is that you, John Wayne? Is this me?

Unfortunately we don’t get a whole lot of time dedicated to Cowboy in the first act. We see both him and Joker interact a couple times showing that they have a closer connection than most other privates in the squad, but that’s about it as far as their relationship goes in these first 45 minutes. That to me is a bit of an issue, but I will say Matthew Modine and Arliss Howard’s chemistry later helps make up for it. Some things we learn about him is that he’s from Texas, hence the nickname ‘Cowboy’, and while he can be authoritative he’s also a pretty nervous guy. Especially in Hartman’s presence. Can you blame him, though?

Last we have Pyle. Hartman’s favorite punching bag.

Yeah.

That.

I’m not sure what Pyle’s major malfunction is, but he’s the screw-up of the squad. Quite a bit of these first 45 minutes just involves Leonard making mistakes and Hartman screaming at him because of it. I’m assuming that’s why Hartman gave him the nickname ‘Pyle’ because to him he’s a pile of shit. (Note: I wrote that sentence before learning that ‘Gomer Pyle, USMC’ was an actual sitcom in the 60s, however I’m not sure how to factor that into Hartman’s name logic) Also, I probably shouldn’t be amused by this as much as I am, but much of the humor in the first act comes out of the ridiculous insults Hartman dishes out to Pyle.

[HARTMAN] You climb obstacles like old people fuck, do you know that Private Pyle?!

Me: [snicker]

[HARTMAN] Your ass looks like about 150 pounds of chewed bubblegum, Pyle, you know that?!

He has a glandular problem!

Since it seems Private Pyle can’t tell left from right, hold his rifle correctly, or get through the obstacle course, Hartman assigns Joker to be Pyle’s tutor. This is also where more of Joker’s humanity comes out as we see him gently take Pyle under his wing and do his best to show him how things are done. He’s definitely a better teacher for Pyle than Hartman, but that’s a low bar.

Atta boy.

That’s already an improvement.

Quick note as well, we can see in some of these scenes Cowboy being subtly placed close to Joker implying they have a friendly relationship we’re not seeing. Anyway, all seems to be going well with Pyle until he’s eventually caught during inspection with an unlocked footlocker and attempting to hide a jelly doughnut. In case you’re curious, this is also where the “What?!” soundbite meme comes from.

What the fuck is that?!

Hartman gets so pissed he decides that whenever Pyle fucks up, he’ll punish everyone else instead of him.

This is intended to help build comaraderie and esprit de corps between the cadets for the sake of whipping Pyle into shape, but it ends up just getting Pyle in deep shit with everyone. Since he still can’t do anything right (heck, even he admits it) -

I can’t do anything right.

- everyone ends up hating him. Even Joker is having a bit of a hard time keeping it together around him. He’s clearly trying not to be angry with Pyle, but constant punishments due to Pyle’s mistakes is making it difficult for him. Soon the entire squad ends up cornering Pyle after lights out and each cadet takes a whack at him with towel maces for their trouble. Even Joker. He hesitates, but in the end he does it.

Do it!

This’ll come back around towards the end of the film in an interesting way, but for now it does make you question how much you like Joker. We also see after this moment that Pyle starts to develop this dead-eyed stare.

One thing you may also notice is that Stanley Kubrick has a similar way of directing and shooting crazy people.

I don’t know why, I guess it’s his calling card or something. Pyle also starts to talk to his rifle for creepy reasons.

It’s been swabbed and brushed. Everything…is clean.

Oh, boy. He's cracked. He's gone nuts.

Don’t worry, this is all building up to something, I promise. All this misery wouldn’t be worth it if it didn’t have a meaningful payoff and we’ll get to it in due time. In the meantime, Pyle starts to become a very skilled shooter which seems to be the only thing he’s particularly good at. When graduation day comes, Cowboy is chosen to be an infantryman along with Pyle (surprisingly), while Joker decides to become a military journalist. This leads back to the idea of Joker having his own inner conflict between wanting to be a proper Marine killing machine and a peace loving man which the movie will explore later. On the newly formed Marines’ last day before enlistment, Joker is assigned to firewatch that night only to walk into the lavatory and see this.

Well this looks inviting.

Like I said: payoff. So…apparently Pyle loaded up his magazine with live rounds.

Full. Metal. Jacket.

Joker tries to calm him down to no avail when suddenly Pyle bursts out screaming which gets the attention of everyone in the base. Hartman bursts in pissed as hell and Joker warns him about Pyle being armed. Hartman tries to get the weapon from Pyle using his Hartman charm, but instead this happens.

Well, that could've gone better.

With Joker still there, he fears for his life and tries to convince Pyle not to kill him. Pyle obliges, but instead shoots his own brains out.

If you’re like me, you probably have a lot of thoughts after this scene (Forewarning as well, I’m going to be talking about this scene for the next several paragraphs). You may also realize why I didn’t talk a whole lot about my thoughts on the previous scenes for the past however long, and that’s because I knew there was going to be a long discussion about this one. Essentially everything in the first act has been building up to this moment right here, and there’s a lot you can infer from it. Here are my thoughts.

Of course the surface level reading of this scene would imply that Pyle simply went crazy after he couldn’t hack it anymore in boot camp, but I feel like there’s more to it than just that (Mainly because he only chose to do this after officially graduating from boot camp instead of doing it somewhere in the middle of it). Sure we never see Pyle’s history or what his home life was like, but I think this act was mostly influenced by his childhood experiences. Why do I think that? Pyle only shoots Hartman after he asks Pyle:

Didn’t Mommy and Daddy give you enough attention when you were a child?!

After hearing that line and seeing Pyle’s reaction to it makes me wonder if all of the previous scenes involving Hartman’s abuse towards Pyle triggered a trauma reaction in him which made him want to do this. Since eventually Pyle also becomes more skilled with his rifle and doesn’t seem to be very good at anything else, it makes me wonder if his intention with joining the Marines in the first place was only to learn how to shoot professionally. In a previous scene Hartman is grilling his platoon on people who have carried out horrible acts such as Charles Whitman and Lee Harvey Oswald who learned the weapon skills they used in their acts from their time in the Marines. Part of me can’t help but wonder if that scene was left in the film not just to show more of Pyle’s crazy face, but to also subtly tell the audience what Pyle’s goal was. 

Perhaps he joined with the full intention of learning how to shoot so he can use those skills on the people who wronged him only to find that there was someone else he’d rather use those skills on. If Hartman truly did remind Pyle of his abusive parents, then he probably just couldn’t take any more of Hartman’s crap by the end of it and felt more comfortable just killing him instead. Why did he kill himself then? Ultimately it would be pretty hard to get away with the murder of a highly decorated military officer with an eyewitness and within earshot of the rest of the packed base in order for him to eventually go on to kill his parents as well. Likely he did the only logical thing he thought he could do after something like that.

However, this is only an interpretation not the interpretation. It’s definitely not perfect and could easily be incorrect (I could just as easily be reading too deeply into it), but what matters more I think is what Pyle says here.

Full. Metal. Jacket.

Being the literal title of the movie, you’d think there should be something profound in this scene the director wants us to walk out of the theater with. In the end, the more you break down Pyle’s character I think it makes the message of the scene harder to decipher, but maybe even that wasn’t the filmmakers’ intentions. Like I said earlier, I may also be completely wrong with my interpretation of Pyle’s character which could also be making this task more difficult for me. You could say that in the end what this scene was trying to convey is that despite going through so much military training and becoming as disciplined as he was, Hartman ends up getting killed in a place that was supposed to be safe: in the United States, in a Marine base, by someone who was supposed to be on his side. Maybe that’s what the movie is trying to tell us. Vietnam may have been portrayed as a war against communism, much like the Cold and Korean wars, but it was ultimately a slap in the face to the Americans it proclaimed to be protecting and the Vietnamese people who ended up being caught in the crossfire. Most of all, to the brave souls who gave their lives trying to fight that war. To me, that’s what the overall point of this scene is.

Wow, that was quite a ride! How’re we moving on from that? Well, when the shot of Pyle’s dead body fades to black it stays black for a few seconds before fading into this.

Me so horny. Me love you long time.

Well that’s a tone shift.

Now what we have is Private Joker along with his journalist partner Private Rafterman (played by Kevyn Major Howard) being propositioned by a prostitute to the tune of “These Boots are Made for Walkin’” by Nancy Sinatra. Huh. Still thinking about the kid that blew his brains out after murdering his drill instructor. One thing I will say about the tone shift is that the first third of the film compared to the last two thirds of the film are trying to say very specific things about the nature of war. While the first act was mostly focused on how America wronged its own soldiers, the second and third acts are more focused on how those very same soldiers wronged the Vietnamese people. By the end credits there practically isn’t any character that doesn’t have their hands clean. The Vietnamese citizens in these scenes (because there’s another prostitute scene later) are clearly not right to exploit women for their own personal gains, but at the same time Joker and Rafterman are way too eager to assert their entitled dominance over them as well. We eventually see how the prostitute’s proposition was only a ploy for some guy to steal Rafterman’s camera and Joker gives the least intimidating ‘fuck you’ I’ve ever seen.

Great job there, Bruce Lee.

I think an inflatable tube man mascot would've been more intimidating.

In the end I think that both the first and last two thirds of the film work well off of each other and play a big part in conveying the overarching theme of war and its aftermath to the audience, however I still think that the transition between the two could’ve been better. Ultimately it’s just a bit too quick to start the next section of the movie when only a few seconds ago we were still processing the lifeless bodies on the floor of the Marine base bathroom. While I don’t think it’s a bad choice to have humor contrast heavy drama there does need to be a proper transition between 2 polar opposite tones and it doesn’t quite fit in this moment.

Anyway, another big part that adds to the entitlement of these soldiers is how we see Rafterman complaining to Joker about how it’s frustrating to him that the Vietnamese citizens don’t like the American soldiers in their homeland. Again, just like the first moments of the film that introduced us to boot camp, we have tone building for this section of the movie straight away. Not only are the American troops fighting for a flimsy cause at best, they also neglect to remember that while their fight is considered a moral crusade in their home country, in Vietnam they’re just the people who came in with no stakes in this fight just to fuck shit up even more. Of course the Vietnamese citizens wouldn’t immediately and wholeheartedly welcome these people into their country with their tanks, bombs, and guns, because why should they? Something else that becomes apparent straight from the opening of this section is the consistent use of dehumanizing language, mostly racial slurs, that the Americans use to describe their enemy.

You know half these g*** whores are serving officers in the Viet Cong?

The Tet Holiday is like the 4th of July, Christmas, and New Year's all rolled into one. Every z*****head in 'Nam, North and South, will be banging gongs, barking at the moon, and visiting his dead relatives.

When you break it down, this has always been a cheap tactic to get the people fighting your wars to feel less bad killing your enemy. They’re not human, they’re just g***s, how can you feel bad killing them if they’re not even human? You hear this kind of language constantly throughout this part of the movie to the point where it gets really tiring (it wasn’t tolerable the first time they said it, so it surely won’t be the 87th time), and I’m guessing that’s definitely what the filmmakers wanted. Also, since Joker and his crew of journalists are, you know, journalists, they tend not to see the most action and this first bit mostly involves them being bored that nothing happens around here. Again we get the sense that the lives of these people (Vietnamese natives and American troops alike) are completely inconsequential since killing each other is better than ‘being bored’ of all things. Yeah, and I once had a whole week with practically nothing to do during summer vacation, that doesn’t mean I’d rather be killing people!

[stretches] I am fucking bored to death, man!

More interesting stuff about Joker is that in the meetings with his boss Lieutenant Lockhart (played by John Terry) he seems to be somewhat stand-offish and even mouths off to his Lieutenant on a few occasions. When faced with an authority figure it seems as if he feels the need to express a different side of himself, a side that has more complicated feelings about the war than how he acts around his fellow Privates. Lieutenant Lockhart asks Joker to reprint a story he wrote to include a kill (whether he saw it or not) and Joker basically tells him that if we’re making up kills now, why not make it a general that got killed? It’s an interesting split that Joker has on-screen being more logical and grounded in the scenes with Lieutenant Lockhart and more energetic and action-hungry in scenes with soldiers of a similar rank to him.

The perfect representation of this is that Joker wrote the phrase ‘Born to Kill’ on his helmet, yet he also wears a peace button prominently on his uniform. Through non-verbal means, the movie is getting across that deep down Joker is a deeply conflicted person and by the end of the movie he’ll actually end up learning something. That thing being exactly what he got himself into. However, I’m getting ahead of myself.

For now there’s a cease-fire called for the locals to celebrate the Tet Holiday, however (if you know you’re history) that isn’t gonna last. Sure enough, the Tet Offensive comes in and it comes in hard when Joker and the rest of his journalist team are forced to defend themselves at their base.

Luckily they don’t get the worst of it as compared to several other military bases such as the ones in Saigon and Khe Sanh, but this gives the journalist team the perfect opportunity to get out into the field and report on such an unprecedented attack. Since Lockhart is sick of Joker’s shit, he sends him out there with Rafterman since Joker is technically in charge of him. This is when we run into a truly delightful human being!

Git some! Git some!

What's he shooting at you may ask?

Oh, you know...

Just innocent civilians fleeing for their lives.

Ain't war hell?

Yeah, you're not helping!

I agree with Rafterman.

That is the correct response.

As we can see, much like the prostitute scene from earlier, the American soldiers are all too eager to thrust themselves upon the people whose country they were forced to invade (though in very different ways than what we saw before). The brutality behind this mindset becomes all the more apparent only after Joker and Rafterman land and come across a mass grave of people who were killed for not wanting to attend ‘political reeducation’ (which is basically code for ‘Chinese concentration camps, but it’s okay because we’re doing it’).

Also, fun production note:

This is Stanley Kubrick's daughter, Vivian, who was also the composer for this movie.

Pretty cool, huh?

As more random Marines throw around words that would get them cancelled today, Joker and Rafterman eventually make their way to the 1st Platoon to meet up with Joker’s former boot camp buddy Cowboy and his squad out in the field. Like I said earlier in the section regarding the first act, Cowboy’s and Joker’s friendship isn’t particularly expanded on there, but it’s here that we get a lot more of them together and they’re pretty cute. I mean heck, just look at these smiles when they see each other again for the first time after so long.

That is just so heartwarming and genuine to me.

It makes me smile every time.

Even if they're talking about...weird stuff.

I'm not even gonna write it here because: weird.

It’s here we’re also introduced to a few more characters that we’ll get to know a bit more over time including Crazy Earl (played by Kieron Jecchinis), Eightball (played by Dorian Harewood), and everyone’s favorite meathead: Animal Mother (played by Adam Baldwin).

I'm gonna tear you a new asshole.

All things considered, Animal Mother is my least favorite character.

I know that’s definitely saying something in a lineup of unlikable characters, but for me he’s easily the worst. He’s just a complete ass with practically no redeeming qualities. He’s belligerent, rude, racist, and stupid, but not a fun or adorable Jayne Cobb kind of stupid, the kind of stupid that runs face first into a firefight when he doesn’t even know where his enemy is and disregards orders from people smarter than him in the process. Needless to say I have a hard time getting through a lot of his scenes, although characters like Crazy Earl come close to out awful-ing Animal Mother on occasion.

I will never forget this day: the day I came to Hue City and fought 1 million NVA g***s. I love the little commie bastards, man, I really do. These enemy grunts are as hard as slant-eyed drill instructors. These are great days we're living, bros! We are jolly green giants walking the Earth with guns. These people we wasted here today are the finest human beings we will ever know. After we rotate back to the world, we're gonna miss not having anyone around that's worth shooting!

Can we get the camera off this guy, he's driving me crazy!

So they march through the next NVA hotspot they’re supposed to clear, and upon clearing it “Surfin’ Bird” by Trashmen starts playing. At first I was taken aback by this musical choice considering the horrific slaughter that’s taking place in the background of this overtly goofy song, but after thinking it over I think it’s meant to represent the mood of the soldiers. We see when the cameras roll in to shoot the 1st Platoon on their mission alongside tank support that they eat up every moment they have on camera and joke about how badass they feel blowing these people away which makes the music choice make more sense. Only when the Platoon has to come to grips with the reality of war by taking a look at the brave soldiers on their side that they lost during the fighting does the mood come back down to where it should be. Also, as much as I said I don’t like Animal Mother, he actually makes a good point here.

You think we waste g***s for "freedom"? This is a slaughter.

Love him or hate him, he's spittin' straight facts.

At this point the camera crews gear up to interview each of the soldiers and they’re finally given the chance to talk honestly about exactly how the war makes them feel. Most of them don’t mince their words either.

Well I don't think there's any question about it, I mean, we're the best, I mean all that bullshit about the Air Cav. When the shit really hits the fan, who do they call? They call Mother Green and her Killing Machine.

"Do I think America belongs in Vietnam?" Umm, I don't know, I belong in Vietnam, tell you that.

And I quote LBJ: "I will not send American boys 8 or 10 thousand miles around the world to do a job that Asian boys oughta be doin' for themselves."

This is Doc Jay by the way (played by Jon Stafford).

Don't get attached.

Personally think, uh, they don't really wanna be involved in this war, you know? I mean, like, they sorta, like, they took away our freedom and gave it to the g***s, you know? They don't want it. They'd rather be alive than free, I guess. Poor dumb bastards. 

Well the ones I'm - I'm fightin' at are some pretty - pretty bad boys. I'm not real, uh, I'm not real keen on some of these fellas that are..."supposedly" on our side. I keep meetin' them comin' the other way. Yeah.

I mean, we're getting killed for these people and they don't even appreciate it. They think it's a big joke.

"What do I think about America's involvement in the war?" Well, I think we should win. 

I wanted to see exotic Vietnam: the Jewel of Southeast Asia. I, uh, I wanted to meet interesting and stimulating people of an ancient culture and...kill them. I wanted to be the first kid on my block to get a confirmed kill!

The more you hear the perspectives of each of these individual soldiers, the more you can’t help but think about the destruction they’re reveling in. All of them, even Joker, are going on and on about how much they think that their position in Vietnam is 100% justified, how they can’t sanction other people’s dissent towards the war, and how it’s basically their God-given right to blow away the Vietnamese in the name of anti-communism. It’s legit disheartening and depressing seeing these people copy-and-paste their home country’s rhetoric and just running with it. It certainly doesn’t get any easier to watch when we get another prostitute scene.

Hey, you boys want No. 1 fucky?

Never. Say that. Again.

Another common thread in this movie is its consistent boy’s club attitude and blatant misogyny especially in the second act here. Personally I think this’ll come back around in a pretty clever way in the climax, but it doesn’t make any of these scenes easier to watch. We have Eightball try to buy his way into this woman’s pants until she says she won’t do it on account of him…being Black. She believes the stereotype that Black men are more ‘well-endowed’ than other men, so Eightball whips out his penis to prove that it’s strong but not too long. I hate that I said that. In the end she agrees only for Animal Mother to interrupt so he can steal Eightball’s turn. In case you needed any more reasons to hate Animal Mother, he also says:

All fucking n*****s must hang!

[UNKNOWN OFF-SCREEN SOLDIER] FUCK YOU!

I agree.

After fading into the next shot, the movie makes the viewing experience slightly more enjoyable by killing Crazy Earl with a stuffed rabbit.

I needed that.

Since Crazy Earl was technically the leader of the squad, Cowboy calls into command and ends up becoming the new squad leader himself. His first act as squad leader: getting everyone lost.

I think we're here, and we should be here.

...fuck.

This is also where we see some of Cowboy’s characterization I mentioned before start to come out. I said that he had leadership qualities but was still a pretty fearful guy as we can see when he starts to have his own mini panic after realizing he led his Platoon the wrong way. He’s a bit like Gorman from Aliens that way. He also lashes out at Joker when he correctly assumes they’re lost.

[JOKER] What, are we lost?

[COWBOY] Joker, shut the fuck up.

Cowboy lets the squad know they’re changing direction only to send out Eightball on his own to find out where they should be going. Well, this seems promising.

Who could've predicted this?!

Part of why I think Cowboy decided to do something like this is that not only is he an inexperienced leader, since Crazy Earl was the squad leader before him, but as I said before he’s also having a moment after realizing he led his Platoon the wrong way so he’s likely not thinking clearly. Unfortunately this decision ends up costing Eightball his life which only adds to Cowboy’s panic. He ends up calling in tank support since he doesn’t know how many shooters and/or snipers there are, but tank support is experiencing delays at the moment. This gives the sniper more opportunities to shoot Eightball another 3 times to lure more soldiers out into the open. Cowboy knows that’s what they’re trying to do, but Doc Jay makes the dumb decision to go out and try to save Eightball himself against Cowboy’s orders. This looks even more promising.

I can't say you didn't earn that!

I know he’s just trying to help his teammate, but it’s still not a good idea to run into a fight you know nothing about. Another thing I should mention is that the gore effects are really raw and gritty. When paired with the slow-motion filming of the soldiers in pain, it really amplifies how real it is to me.

When Cowboy hears back from command that they can’t send tanks their way, he decides that the squad needs to pull out before they potentially get hit by an ambush. Animal Mother being Animal Mother however just runs in guns blazing. As it turns out there is just a lone sniper attacking them (Animal Mother didn’t know that though, so it was still a dumb move), so Animal Mother yells back to Cowboy that he should move up the squad. After doing so Cowboy tries to call back to command and call off tank support which only earns him a bullet through the back.

For a second it seems like Cowboy might be able to make it, but in the end he succumbs to his wound and dies in Joker’s arms.

While I can’t say I feel super emotional over this death, in the end my feelings on it are still kinda complicated, but what gets some emotions out of me is just Joker’s reaction to it. Like before we saw how much they enjoyed each other’s company, and while I wasn’t always interested in the stuff they talked about, I at least enjoyed how much they had fun together. Ultimately I can’t help but feel the slightest bit sad when I see this scene. However, my feelings on it are only going to get even more complicated once we get to the end of this climax. Animal Mother decides he wants some payback and Joker agrees, so they throw some smoke grenades in the sniper’s line of sight (why didn’t they do that before?) so they can sneak their way into the sniper’s building. Joker makes his way to the sniper’s location, presumably steps on a flimsy stick, and we get the reveal of the sniper.

I don't think it's a coincidence that the sniper turned out to be a woman.

It definitely makes you look back on the previous prostitute scenes a bit differently once you realize that this woman killed 3 American soldiers by herself. Even though what she’s doing is morally gray at best, at the end of the day she may just be doing what she had to in order to survive like those prostitutes from earlier. Maybe she didn’t even want to fight in this war, but circumstances outside of her control forced her hand. If we are going for more of a feminist statement though, I feel the need to mention that if Kubrick did have these thoughts about women it still didn’t stop him from abusing Shelley Duvall on the set of The Shining, but sure, Kubrick. However, before you get a chance to think about the sniper’s perspective in this war, Rafterman comes in and blows her away.

Once again I get some really complicated feelings as the rest of the Platoon finds the sniper on the ground full of bullet holes and bleeding to death. Especially when this happens.

[whispering in Vietnamese]

What's she saying?

She's praying.

And it gets even worse when she says this.

...Shoot...me...

Guilt flashes in Joker’s eyes as he thinks about what he, his teammates, and his country have done up until this point when he makes the decision that he has to put her out of her misery. It takes him a little bit to muster up the courage, but he eventually shows her mercy.

[off-screen gunshot]

Even with the death of his closest comrade, Cowboy, Joker still can’t find any joy in this killing. This also creates the 1,000 yard stare that one of Joker’s journalist partners mentioned back before the Tet Offensive as well.

You know [Joker's] never been in the shit 'cause he ain't got the stare. A Marine gets it after he's been in the shit for too long.

There's the stare.

That I think is the most powerful part of this moment. I said before that eventually Joker ends up learning something by the end of the movie, and this is what it is: war is hell, and I’m Satan’s trigger man. Once he hears the sniper beg him to kill her it hits him that the people they’re killing are people who have their own goals, lives, and dreams that he and his country are all too happy to fuck up. His entire worldview has been shattered, he finally comes to grips with exactly what he’s been doing, and he realizes he’s wrong. His teammates around him don’t see the same thing as they hype Joker up for being a relentless, hardcore killer, but only Joker knows the truth. All he can do is look at his comrades in arms with that same vacant stare as it’s now his burden to carry the reality of war on his shoulders unbeknownst to everyone else around him.

Hardcore, man. Fucking hardcore.

Since the battle is won, the Platoon sweeps their way across the rest of the now overtaken Hue City while singing the only song they all know the words to.

[singing]

M-I-C-K-E-Y M-O-U-S-E. Who's the leader of the club that's made for you and me?

Not only is it likely the only song they all know the words to, but it also probably gives them a sense of child-like comfort after experiencing as much death and tragedy that they have over this long, drawn-out battle. Joker even explains over his closing narration that he now starts to yearn for what’s waiting for him back home given everything he’s been through, which to me makes this closing song make even more sense. With that the movie fades to black, the credits roll, and ‘Paint It Black’ by the Rolling Stones plays which I think is a great backdrop to allow us as the audience to ruminate on everything that just happened. Believe me, there’s still so much to talk about. Let’s wrap up these thoughts in a neat little bow here.

---

Given everything that this movie has in it it’s practically impossible to discuss everything it’s trying to convey in 1 review, but I think I can at least elaborate on some of my larger thoughts in this format. After having seen this movie at least 6 times for the sake of this review, I can say that I still believe what I said in the introduction. That being the central thesis of this film is basically: all this misery, and for what? From every character, every detail, and every shot you feel the brutality of war which is also why I think this film is a perfect encapsulation of what a ‘war epic’ is. The main thing about conveying any kind of thought through an artistic medium is not just to tell the audience what it’s about, but to make them feel it. That’s how true art transcends people and cultures. Sure the individual characters may not be particularly well developed, but in terms of what their role is in conveying the message I think they hit the nail on the head. I should also admit that the views expressed in this movie on war are very similar to my own, so I’m biased in that sense towards this way of thinking, but I still feel as if a lot of profound thoughts are contained from the opening through the ending.

I’m sorry as well if this review didn’t seem to go into as much detail on the minutiae of this film during the actual meat of this post. Since it constantly throws heavy shit after heavy shit at you it’s easier for me to discuss the details of this movie after watching it as opposed to while watching it. Once you get through it though, it does leave you feeling a lot like Joker after killing the sniper which is definitely one of the things I know the filmmakers wanted us to take away from this viewing experience. Even if you don’t fully remember each of the characters individually after watching, which I should mention is another detail I’m sure the filmmakers wanted to get across like I mentioned at the beginning of the review with the haircut montage, the sheer pain, heartlessness, and brutality of war that’s conveyed through this movie is something that’ll stick with you for a long time, perhaps even forever. The only reason I watched this movie as many times as I did this week is because I want to go into as much detail as I can when reviewing movies, but normally this would probably be a movie I’d feel more comfortable watching every once in a while. Much like other movies that are very well made yet heavy and uncomfortable, it’s not one that I could watch day after day because of the harsh tone.

Anyway, I’m likely talking in circles so I’ll wrap this up soon. The last big thing I’d like to mention is that this movie is one of those that you have so many thoughts after watching you can’t possibly articulate all of them accurately. By all means, if y’all would like to talk more about this movie (and about things I most definitely didn’t discuss) then feel free to leave a comment and I’d love to discuss with you especially since this is certainly a movie that’s worth discussing! If you don’t mind a heavy viewing experience for your weekend movie night this week, then I think Full Metal Jacket might just be the film for you!

If I were to give this movie a rating (which I will, because that’s what I do) then I’d give it a 4.5/5 M14’s. Kind of like I mentioned earlier with some of the scene transitions (which I know is a weird thing to nitpick), sometimes the tone can be a bit hard to pin down which can leave some moments feeling confused. Overall that’s pretty much the only note that I have against this movie, because everything else is so well done. It’s that one thing that just keeps me from giving it full marks, but still a film I’d recommend.

(I make no claim of ownership for any of the images used in this post)

(Each of them are owned entirely by their respective copyright holders, which are not me)

(I’m just a humble blogger who talks about movies, I do not make them)

(Yet)

The Dark Crystal

Disclaimer:

The film I’m reviewing today is rated: PG

I know that PG nowadays means ‘Practically G’, but back in 1982 PG actually meant something!

There will be some frightening images included in this review, so please: reader discretion is advised.

Now that we’ve moved on from Disney’s Pirates of the Caribbean franchise, I’m excited to finally be doing more one-off films because let’s be real, it feels like forever since I’ve done one of these (thanks Disney). What a way to start off as well with a truly creative film from a truly creative duo (Jim Henson & Frank Oz): The Dark Crystal. One thing that’s certain even if you haven’t heard of this film before, is that the visuals and designs are instantly attention getting just from the poster alone (courtesy of Brian Froud). That’s what I’ve always loved about Jim Henson’s puppetry, not only does it have a distinct style that helps it stand out among other children’s designs, fantasies, or children’s fantasies, but having an emphasis on practical effects has always helped me to create a closer connection with what’s on screen. Just knowing that what you’re seeing is an actual tangible thing that can be made and found in reality helps give it that extra bit of authenticity and even helps the film seem grander as a cinematic motion picture should. Aside from the beautiful puppetry, there are still other things to appreciate in this movie such as its consistently harsher tone unlike most other kid’s films nowadays, much like The NeverEnding Story I reviewed a while ago, and its sense of adventure and wonderment.

One thing I will note about the film is that the world isn’t especially well-developed. You may start to notice this when you watch it yourself, but there are certain aspects of the world the characters inhabit that aren’t explained and leave you a bit confused. I recall watching this movie as a kid myself and not always understanding what exactly I was watching and why things were the way that they were. Part of why this is though is because the concept and basic idea for the film started with the idea of creating a specific look and style while the story itself was more secondary. Not to say that the creators of the film didn’t intend for there not to be any sort of deep concepts or complex ideas explored in the film through the story, but a lot of this was also hindered by the initial reaction this movie had with test audiences. Since they weren’t expecting this type of film from this type of creative team, they ended up hating it and as a result the studio requested several post-production changes which I think weakened the final product and didn’t allow every detail of the world the characters inhabited to be properly explored on screen.

Later it would be further explored and the world more developed with the release of novels, comics, and of course a Netflix adaptation down the road fleshing out these concepts completely, but the original film can leave a bit to be desired in that regard. So, how does it hold up overall? Well, that’s what we’re here to find out!

Grab that crystal shard and fulfill the prophecy by taking a look at The Dark Crystal with me!

---

As the opening credits roll, we get what’s in my opinion the best part of this movie followed by the worst part of this movie.

The best part: the beautiful design.

For what’s clearly model work, this shot still sucks me in from the look and feel alone. It immediately makes me want to know more about this world, see it in action, and how everything works.

The worst part: they’re going to tell me in excruciating detail.

A thousand years ago this land was green and good until the Crystal cracked. For a single piece was lost, a shard of the Crystal. Then strife began and two new races appeared.

I should also make it very clear, I don’t blame the filmmakers themselves for this addition. As I mentioned in the introduction, the studio demanded several post-production changes following the horrible test audience reception and the filmmakers were forced to add and take away parts that they didn’t want to for the sake of pleasing the higher-ups. To put things in perspective, Jim Henson himself at one point even said that he considered dialogue in movies to be a sort of ‘crutch’ for filmmakers who’re unable to get across their ideas visually. From this opening, I totally agree with that statement. What we have is a narrator (voiced by Joseph O’Conor) that was obviously thrown in against the creators’ wishes and he gives us a massive exposition dump within the first 5 minutes of the film. I can only assume that the original opening to the movie was more quiet and vague while still allowing you to appreciate the brilliant artistry on screen and getting you intrigued for what was to come later. The reason I say that is because one of the original test audience’s notes for the movie was that it was too hard to follow. However, let’s give it a try. I’ll give you several shots from the intro back-to-back without the narrator’s dialogue and think about how interested you would be in watching the rest of this movie just from these images on their own.

Wait, should I censor that? 

Anyway, I’m not sure how you felt through that image gallery, but I know these shots on their own are definitely intriguing to me (one of them maybe a bit too intriguing) and any of them by themselves would be enough to get me interested in where this movie goes. However, we constantly have the looming presence of the narrator, which I know is intended to help the audience understand more about this world, but kind of like At World’s End (I hate to make that comparison with this movie, because it’s clear this film is far superior to Disney’s PG-13 table scraps) the more they explain the less I seem to understand. To put it in context I’m going to put everything the narrator says in this intro here for you to read (you can skip it if you want). Would you say all this dialogue pulls you more or less into this world?

“Another world, another time in the age of wonder. A thousand years ago this land was green and good until the Crystal cracked. For a single piece was lost, a shard of the Crystal. Then strife began and two new races appeared. The cruel Skeksis. The gentle Mystics. Here in the castle of the Crystal, the Skeksis took control. Now the Skeksis gather in the sacred chamber where the Crystal hangs above a shaft of air and fire. The Skeksis, with their hard and twisted bodies, their harsh and twisted wills. For a thousand years they have ruled, yet now there are only 10. A dying race ruled by a dying emperor imprisoned within themselves in a dying land. Today, once more, they gather at the Crystal as the first sun climbs to its peak, for this is the way of the Skeksis. As they ravage the land so, too, they learn to draw new life from the sun. Today, once more, they will replenish themselves, cheat death again, through the power of their source, their treasure, their fate, the Dark Crystal. But today, the ceremony of the sun gives no comfort. Today, an emperor lies dying. Today, a new emperor must seize the throne. A thousand years ago, the Crystal cracked. And here, far from the castle, the race of Mystics came to live in a dream of peace. Their ways were the gentle ways of natural wizards. Yet now, there are only 10. A dying race numbly rehearsing the ancient ways in a blur of forgetfulness. But today the ritual gives no comfort. Today the wisest of the Mystics lies dying. Today they summon the one who must save them. In the valley of the Mystics there lives a Gelfling, Jen. The Skeksis killed his family, destroyed his clan. Only Jen survived to be raised by the wisest of the Mystics. But there is a prophecy. A thousand years have passed and now, once more, the world must undergo a time of testing. Now it must be healed or pass forever into the rule of evil. At this time, Jen is the chosen one. Today, Jen’s pipe gives no comfort, for today his master lies dying and a journey must begin. The journey of Jen.”

I don’t mind if you skipped all that, but at the very least you must’ve noticed just how long it is whether you read it or not. Granted I know that this dialogue isn’t necessarily spewed at you as quickly as possible, there are pauses and moments of silence included in the intro to take in the imagery along with more opening credits, but the main point is that I think this sort of thing works better as a novel. When you’re working with a particular storytelling medium you want to play to the advantages that specific medium has, and long, wordy explanations definitely work better in written form than in filmed form. Instead of feeling the ideas that are being presented to us visually we’re instead told about them in what’s essentially an abridged version of The Lord of the Rings appendices. Once again I want to make it clear that I know this isn’t the filmmakers’ fault, I’m just noting what I see in front of me. Regardless of who was responsible for this decision it still made its way into the movie so I feel like I should comment on it. Anyway -

Yes, of course. I’m sorry, I know this review is very front-loaded but unfortunately a lot of what makes this movie awesome and difficult to follow at the same time becomes clear very early on.

One of the things you may also notice is when our main character Jen (performed by Jim Henson and voiced by Stephen Garlick) goes to visit his dying master, there are a lot of other fantasy clichés we’ve heard a million times pop up in this final exchange they have together. First off is of course the death of the mentor which has been done to death along with the prophecy story and the chosen one trope.

The prophecy says you must find the shard.

But master I'm only a Gelfling, I mean a Hobbit, I mean a kid, I mean a farm boy, I mean a deck hand, I mean a janitor, I mean whatever the heck Link is. 

Despite not having many original ideas to start out on, what sticks with me the most is still the look and feel of this world. It does get more interesting when we see the wise Mystic start to pass away only for it to cut away and show the emperor of the Skeksis passing away as well implying a subtle connection between the Mystics and the Skeksis. If you happened to be paying attention during the narrator’s speech you may have noticed that he already mentioned this, so I think it still would’ve hit harder if the narrator stuff from earlier was cut out. You would’ve ended up drawing a connection between the two races yourself based on visual clues as opposed to it being spelled out for you. That would’ve created a deeper connection between you and the on screen material, but we just have to live with what we got.

With very little to go off of (why is it in every one of these stories the mentor keeps all the important info from the supposed chosen one until the 11th hour?) except the fact that he needs to find a crystal shard at the home of a woman named Aughra, Jen sets out on his journey and another thing that can be a little confusing is when the characters are supposed to be thinking. Occasionally you’ll see Jen speaking without his mouth moving which I think is supposed to be him thinking to himself, but it’s not made very clear. If I had to guess it’s another last minute addition the filmmakers had to do in order to please the studio, but again it’s one of those things you could cut out and not miss much. That and the music in this movie is actually pretty good. I wouldn’t go so far as to say it’s one of the great film scores, but it definitely helps give life to relatively mundane scenes such as this one.

I promise this is a much cooler scene with the music. 

That and you may not be surprised to know that in these far away shots is when they brought in actors to wear costumes instead of using puppets to play the characters so they could move more realistically. 

Especially in the more action-packed scenes, techniques like these were needed to keep the energy high. 

Meanwhile the Skeksis are having trouble figuring out who the next emperor is going to be. You know, for a race that’s been around for a thousand years you’d think they’d have fleshed out a line of succession by now. This is also when we’re officially introduced to my favorite character: Chamberlain (performed by Frank Oz and voiced by Barry Dennen). Believe me, he’s a laugh riot every time he’s on screen! Not only does he have this air of sinister creepiness about him, but he’s also just odd to the point where I can’t help but laugh every time I see him. Another production note I think I should bring up is that each of the Skeksis were modeled after one of the 7 Deadly Sins. It’s my personal belief that Chamberlain was modeled after Lust. Don’t believe me? Listen to this:

Chamberlain can get it.

Since Chamberlain is trying to pull a fast one on everyone and steal the emperor’s scepter to become the emperor himself, one of the other Skeksis gets mad at him and challenges him to a ‘Trial by Stone’. Wait, what?

Trial by Stone.

Trial by Stone!

Trial by Stone!

I know, but what does that mean?

I'm confused!

So apparently what this means is they each get a sword to whack this stone with and whoever makes the strongest whack (( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)) becomes the next emperor. Chamberlain ends up losing though and gets banished from the kingdom while the rest of the Skeksis tear off his robes to strip him of his status.

Was it hot?

With Chamberlain it's always hot.

After this bit of excitement the Skeksis get a radio call from the Dark Crystal showing them that Jen has begun his journey so it’s possible the prophecy could still be fulfilled and the Skeksis could be overthrown. They don’t like this at all so they send their beetle minions out to capture Jen while Jen himself makes it to Aughra’s home. Not gonna lie, Aughra (performed by Frank Oz and voiced by Billie Whitelaw) might be a close second for me as far as favorite characters go. She’s also absolutely hilarious whenever she’s on screen (though much like Chamberlain she’s not on screen that much): she has this complete IDGAF (I don’t give a frick) attitude, is pretty crazy and weird in a movie that’s already pretty crazy and weird, can pull out her eye for reasons not explained but is still pretty funny, and is in a constant state of annoyed/confused.

Even here the world building can be pretty flimsy, though. As soon as Jen walks into Aughra’s house, this is the first thing he sees.

I'm not saying it isn't well designed (because it very much is), I'm just confused as to what this world is trying to be right now.

Are we fantasy, are we steampunk, are we sci-fi, what are we doing?

It kinda takes me back to an argument I made in my last review on Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales. I said in that review that the content of the film didn’t justify the running time since it felt like practically nothing happened yet the movie was still over 2 hours. What I concluded is that a movie should have a reason to be as long or as short as it is. This is actually a movie I think would benefit from being a bit longer. It’s only an hour and a half and I’m wondering if the time constraint made it more difficult to fully flesh out the ideas that were present in the original version. Maybe if there were at least 15 more minutes to explore the material then scenes like these would have more of a reason to be here. I wonder if in the end the studio thought that children wouldn’t watch a film that long so they limited their time to 90 minutes. Considering the mostly fantastical and epic tone this movie has going for it, I wouldn’t mind a bit of a longer running time, especially since it has a world I’d love to learn more about.

As Jen’s master told him though, Aughra has the crystal shard he needs to fulfill the prophecy, but she has a whole bunch of them. Which one is it?

Which one is it?

Hey, that's what I said!

I also love the honesty of this line.

Don't know.

Since Aughra’s less than helpful, Jen has to figure out which one it is. He eventually gets the idea to play a tone on his pipe to see if any of the shards react to it. This is actually a clever callback to when the Mystics were chanting a similar tone to call Jen earlier in the movie, and eventually this results in the true crystal shard being identified. Unfortunately, soon after the discovery of the crystal shard the beetle minions from earlier Kool-Aid Man their way through the wall to try to kidnap Jen, but he manages to give them the slip. In the process they destroy Aughra’s home and end up kidnapping her instead of Jen, but for now Jen thinks Aughra’s dead.

Aughra...

Wait, how'd you make it here so fast?

We haven't seen you for 9 minutes of screen time and we're supposed to totally believe you made it this far already?

Soon after we get a subtle scene involving the Mystics back home starting a trek to the Skeksis’ castle. We’re not sure why they’re making this journey now, but we will eventually. In fact, the duality of the Mystics and the Skeksis is probably one of my favorite magical concepts in the movie. It’s one of those few things I think were left unchanged after the test audience screening and it really shows because it’s very interesting. As the movie goes on we’ll see various different ways in which the Mystics and the Skeksis are one in the same, but for now they’re just trekkin’ along towards the castle.

Back with Jen, he seems to have made his way into a really cool abstract forest/swamp place where he’s mulling over what he should do with the shard. Again, it would’ve been great if he had this info ahead of time. After catching a quick glimpse of how the Crystal was cracked in the first place (It was the Skeksis in the Crystal Chamber with the scepter), Jen hear’s some rustling in the brush until we’re introduced to a cute little fuzzball.

'Cute' is a subjective term.

This is Fizzgig (performed by Dave Goelz and voiced by Percy Edwards) and I’ll give it to the filmmakers, some of these characters are really fun to watch. I know that the animal sidekick trope is also one that’s been done so many times it’s not even funny, but I think I like this one for how much it represents the core of the film to me. At his heart Fizzgig is pretty adorable, yet he also has a kinda creepy design that reflects the tone of the film as well. In a way it kinda reminds me of Zero from The Nightmare Before Christmas where he adds a much needed levity to the film, but doesn’t stray too far from its dark roots.

Just looking at this picture you can see how someone could find him cuddly, but you can equally see how someone could see him as their sleep paralysis monster. 

Where did this bundle of merkins come from? Fizzgig’s owner Kira (performed by Kathryn Mullen and voiced by Lisa Maxwell) comes out from behind the trees and also happens to be a Gelfling herself! Upon meeting Jen she grabs his hand to help him out of the mud when this happens.

I actually like this moment since it brings in this idea of Gelflings having a sort of psychic connection between each other that we wouldn’t know about and it’s shown in a pretty cool way. The problem I have with it is much like the problem I had with the introduction though, because again the imagery is weakened by the inclusion of dialogue that just isn’t needed. The whole time we’re watching this interesting flashback sequence involving both Jen and Kira’s memories, but they refuse to shut up the whole time. Most importantly as well: none of what they say is vital to the story or understanding their characters and is also occasionally just stating the obvious.

I'm having a bath.

So that's why you're in a small puddle of water with no clothes and being washed by your former master, I never would've put that together!

It’s really unfortunate there was as much studio interference in this production as there was, because I think there could’ve been some really interesting emotions explored just through looking at memories of both our protagonists with no dialogue and just music. In the end though I shouldn’t ruminate so much on what this film could’ve been and instead appreciate it for what it is. Since Jen is still stuck in the mud and starting to sink, Kira reveals she has the power to talk to animals and manages to get an underwater creature to lift Jen out of the bog. Trust me, this will be a helpful tactic later in the movie. Kira ends up leading Jen to the next scene, and I will say this transition is both messed up and pretty funny.

Classy.

Back with the Skeksis, they’re partaking in not the grossest dinner scene I’ve ever watched, but it’s probably in the top 10-15. We also see the beetle minions from earlier return with a wriggling sack. Turns out it’s only Aughra. What’s great about this isn’t just that the beetle guards clearly lied on their résumés, but Aughra just stands there and roasts them for a solid minute or two while the Skeksis just let her do it! Of course they eventually throw her in a cage, but you’d think after throwing around insults like that the punishment would be closer to beheading. Not only that, but Aughra also grabs a goblet off of the Skeksis’ table and they let her keep it! What the heck?! No one raises so much as an “Um…?”

Anyway, while Kira and Jen carry on with their journey they come across a crystal bat on the river. What’s a crystal bat you might ask? Crystal bats are essentially scouts for the Skeksis that are able to transmit whatever they see back to the Dark Crystal for the Skeksis to see. Though it does beg the follow-up question: what crystal are they made of then? They can’t be made of Dark Crystal pieces, because then there wouldn’t be just one crystal shard for Jen to reunite with the Crystal. Jen would have to bring the crystal shard he already has along with any crystal bats back to the Dark Crystal and use all of them to heal it. By the end he only needs the crystal shard he already has, so that can’t be right, but then how are the crystal bats able to transmit whatever they see to the Dark Crystal? Quick, something distract me before I think about it too hard!

Thank you.

Also don't worry about it too much, that's the only crystal bat you'll see in the movie.

While the Mystics continue to trudge forth on their journey, Kira ends up leading Jen to her adopted home. Here Jen meets her Podling family and the Podlings are basically a race of creatures that embrace the simple side of life like farming, feasting, laughing, partying, and not being slaves until the Skeksis turn them into slaves. They’re kinda like Hobbits that way except I can’t really say that since Gelflings are already kinda the Hobbit stand-ins, so I won’t. I will give props to the creators though because the language the Podlings speak was actually based on Serbo-Croatian which I think is pretty cool. Also, I can’t help but perk up every time I see this scene.

Yeah, I can vibe to this.

It's unfortunate I can't include the music from this scene, but if you're interested I highly recommend it.

I promise you won't be disappointed.

The fun can’t last forever though because the beetle-y brothers Kool-Aid Man their way through the walls again (seriously, what’s up with that?) and destroy everyone’s vibe! SUCH BUZZKILLS! Also their home, oh no... Kira and Jen manage to make it out okay with the help of…Chamberlain(…?), but not without several of the Podlings getting captured and taken to the castle to become slaves for the Skeksis. I should point out that it’s kinda weird how Chamberlain managed to call off the beetle borgs considering that he’s completely lost his standing at this point. Either way, Jen can’t help but blame himself for bringing the slimy-yet-satisfying soldiers down upon the friends he just met and throws the crystal shard away. Dude…I get you’re upset, but that was just dumb. Kira comforts him by letting him know it wasn’t his fault. The mean team has always come by their home.

WAIT - 2 questions:

1 - If the black riders always made regular visits to the Podlings’ home then why did Kira think it was a good idea to hang out there for a while when they could very well come back later?

2 - Since the Podlings have gotten used to regular encounters from Nega-Bug X, WHY WERE THEY JUST PARTYING THEN?! Did they miss the part where the Armored Aragog Army makes regular visits to their home?! Why wouldn’t they have moved to a different spot at this point?!

I know that’s technically 4 questions, but they needed to be asked.

The next morning after we see the Mystics are still marching, we see our two protagonists sleeping in the forest and I think Jen just scored.

Where are we?

No, definitely not if that's the first thing out of your mouth.

They get up to see a shrine close by them with writing on it while Jen completely ignores the shard he threw the night before (pick it up!). Written on the shrine is the prophecy explaining how the Skeksis will fall by Gelfling hands, and I think now is a good time to mention that the Skeksis were originally going to have their own language too. It was going to be a combination of ancient Greek and ancient Egyptian which you can see in the writing on the shrine, but the test audiences complained that they didn’t know what the Skeksis are saying. Ultimately I think the producer Gary Kurtz had a pretty good response to that: “The Skeksis don’t have any interesting dialogue, it’s all pretty banal.” Granted that’s not exactly what he said (I’m paraphrasing a bit), but that was his main point behind the comment. After hearing that, I see what he means. All of their dialogue is pretty bland.

I’m not saying it’s bad necessarily, but it’s nothing flashy either. If the Skeksis did happen to speak in their own language then you wouldn’t have to listen to them repeat the same lines over and over and you’d have to feel what the Skeksis were saying which could potentially allow you to read even more into their dialogue. Also it would definitely be pretty alien considering that the Skeksis are clearly not anything resembling humans. Either way, the only remnants we have of that concept are the carvings on the shrine here.

Through this chance encounter with the prophecy Jen is able to figure out what his quest is supposed to be exactly. Take the crystal shard to the Dark Crystal and put it back where it belongs. At first I thought “Well no dip, Sherlock” but the more I thought about it, I don’t think it was actually clear until this point when I watched this film the first time as a kid. For that reason I’ll give it a pass. They’re eventually interrupted by Chamberlain who’s being his usual creepy self and trying to convince them to come back to the castle with him, help him reclaim his status, and make peace with the Skeksis. Fizzgig calls him out on his BS and they run away only for Kira to call upon the help of the first draft Silt Strider concepts for Morrowind.

You may want to get that lawsuit pointer finger ready.

(Joke, I'm joking.)

These are Landstriders and Kira helps Jen use them to make it to the castle. Kira initially opts to leave Fizzgig behind to keep him safe, but he ends up convincing her to let him come in his cutest scene.

No no, Fizzgig, you stay here.

[sad Fizzgig noises]

Oh alright, come on!

Back with the Skeksis in the castle, we get to the scene that scarred a generation. The Scientist Skeksi takes one of the newly captured Podlings and uses the Dark Crystal to drain their life essence from their body. In case you’re curious, this is what it looks like.

Ah, childhood trauma.

To that same token though, couldn't the Podling just...close their eyes?

Why has no one considered that option?

The emperor Skeksi comes in soon after and we see that the Podling essence is supposed to rejuvenate the Skeksis if they drink it. It’s not nearly as strong as Gelfling essence though, because soon after drinking the essence the de-aging effects wear off. This’ll come back into play later, but for now Jen and Kira arrive at the entrance to the castle where the Mighty Devils are waiting for them. So, how will Jen and Kira make it out of this one? The Landstriders end up sacrificing themselves. I guess the movie is just in a mood right now. Using Kira’s wings that she only just revealed she has, they escape Mothra’s children by floating down a nearby valley. Why does Kira have wings you might ask?

[JEN] Wings? I don't have wings!

[KIRA] Of course not! You're a boy.

They make their way inside the castle with Chamberlain close behind. Seriously, how has he managed to keep up with them this whole time?! We’ve clearly seen that Chamberlain tends not to move with a purpose and when he does it’s usually more of a fast-paced waddle. Kira and Jen were also on Landstriders which are clearly much faster than him, so how does that work? Anyway, after making their way inside, Chamberlain confronts them again only for Jen to cut his hand with the crystal shard. This is where the connection between the Skeksis and the Mystics becomes especially interesting to me, because as soon as we see the blood ooze out of Chamberlain’s wound, we get another shot of a Mystic as well.

My hand!

...my hand.

That's just really cool to me, and it would make more sense as well that the connection between the Skeksis and the Mystics would become stronger closer to the Great Conjunction. 

Chamberlain retaliates by burying Jen alive (don’t worry, he’ll be fine) and takes Kira to go see the rest of the Skeksis. At first they can’t decide what to do with her until the emperor makes the choice to drain her life essence and then kill her. Told you it was gonna come back into play. Although, part of me can’t help but wonder if the scene with the Podling’s essence being sucked out was only put in the movie because they forgot to put in an essence scene earlier or if it was cut from the movie by order of the studio. Speaking of cut content, there was also originally going to be a scene of the Skeksis having a funeral for the first emperor we saw die in the beginning. Granted that wouldn’t have played much of a part in the story I still think it could’ve been interesting.

In the meantime Fizzgig manages to dig Jen out while Kira is put in the essence draining machine by the Scientist Skeksi. However, she’s the only one to do the smart thing and resist the Crystal. Who’da thunk?! Since there are several animals in the science chamber (I’m assuming for research purposes), Kira calls to all of them and they manage to bust out of their cages and push the Scientist Skeksi down the Dark Crystal shaft into the pit of fire below. We then get another cool Mystic parallel.

Just a nice quiet moment letting everything sink in.

That's all you need.

As it were, Kira uses the animals to break herself out and make it back to the Crystal Chamber, Jen makes his way to the Crystal Chamber as well with Fizzgig’s help, and the Mystics arrive at the castle as well. Unfortunately, as the Great Conjunction begins, the Skeksis also want a front-row seat and crowd the Crystal Chamber as well. Yes folks, we’re in climax territory! With the crystal shard in tow, Jen positions himself above the Dark Crystal where he can slip the shard back into it.

I don't think that's how crystals crack, but you know what, sure. 

Here’s where Fizzgig starts to get noticeably unhelpful, because he starts making a ruckus drawing the attention of the Skeksis and the mutant lobsters. With nowhere else to go, Jen gets into position above the Crystal and jumps onto it only to drop the shard. Wow. Good news is that it’s not completely over because the shard didn’t fall down the pit, so Fizzgig redeems himself by biting the emperor and Kira jumps down onto the floor and grabs the shard. She throws it to Jen (he firmly grasps it this time) and she earns herself a knife in the back for her trouble. She’ll be fine. As the Great Conjunction takes place Jen rams the shard into the hole and the Crystal is healed. Right then is when the Mystics come in and reconnect with the Skeksis. As the prophecy said, the two are made one and the Mystics and the Skeksis merge together to become:

Whatever the frick these things are.

They might actually be the creepiest things in this movie.

It’s not very well explained but they bring Kira back to life, the Podling slaves are returned to normal, the crittery jiggers are destroyed and the world is returned to its former glory. That’s where it ends. Or rather just kinda stops. It would’ve been nice to have at least some kind of denouement with these characters before leaving so abruptly, but that’s more or less what I expect given the film’s background at this point.

---

One thing you might be feeling after all of that is at least kinda confused. I know despite watching this film several times for this review there are still details in this movie I don’t understand. What did happen after the two races were reunited? How long did it take for the world to return to normal? How do the Podlings and Kira talk to animals? Where did the prophecy come from? Was Chamberlain supposed to be the main antagonist? He didn’t get a lot of focus after he captured Kira, so what happened to him? What’s Aughra’s backstory? What was the world like for 1,000 years under Skeksi rule? Sorry, I know there are a lot of questions here, and these are barely scratching the surface, but I can’t help but feel like there’s so much here that we’re not seeing and we weren’t allowed to see. After all that I have to repeat that I 100% do not blame the filmmakers for the final product. Most of the issues with this film stem from the filmmakers trying to please a panicking studio after a bad initial screening. Although, like I said before about not trying to judge this movie for what it could’ve been, let’s take a look at what it is.

Even despite the inconsistencies, confusing plot threads, and unexplained details, I can’t help but like this movie. The filmmakers went into this project knowing exactly what they wanted to accomplish, even if they didn’t get the chance to fully present that on screen, and despite the cuts and alterations there are still plenty of original designs and ideas that shine through in the finished piece. With interesting styles, beautiful puppetry, good music, and the desire to challenge and show respect for the children they made the film for it’s hard for me not to like this movie. Jim Henson said that he believes it’s more scarring to make a child believe that they’re safe 100% of the time and I agree with that. This movie has imagery, designs, and ideas that can be creepy or even scary to kids, because in the end it’s closer to what the real world is like. Not only are there dangerous, frightening creatures, and people, but there are still plenty of things to love and appreciate about the world we live in. There’s a middle ground I believe children’s films need to strike between too positive and too negative and I believe The Dark Crystal does a good job of finding that middle ground. If you’ve never seen this film, feel free to check it out. If you have but it’s been a minute, do what I did and relive the good and the creepy of your childhood for your weekend movie night this week.

I think I’ll give this movie a 3.5/5 amethysts. In the end I still can’t deny the problems that are apparent from beginning to end, but to that same token I think this film is still a truly unforgettable watch that will stick with you and your children forever. While the problems prevent me from rating it any higher (like, say a 4/5), there are still far too many good elements in my opinion to pass up this movie completely.

(I make no claim of ownership for any of the images used in this post)

(Each of them are owned entirely by their respective copyright holders, which are not me)

(I’m just a humble blogger who talks about movies, I do not make them)

(Yet)

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales

Disclaimer:

The film I’m reviewing today is rated: PG-13

Certain images and content included in this post will not be suitable for children.

Before I go into my usual tangent on my first impression of this film I think I should come clean: this is the only one of the Pirates films that I haven’t seen. In the case of most other things I’ve reviewed on my blog so far (with the exception of the TV series Everything’s Gonna Be Okay and the animated Nickelodeon show Avatar: the Last Airbender) each one is something that I’ve seen at least once prior to reviewing it. Sure I may have seen it weeks, months, or even years prior, but I’ve at least seen them once. This is my first movie that I’m pretty much going into blind. Given the quality of the last 3 Pirates films I don’t have high hopes for the quality of this one either, but I suppose it does also help my sense of bias to some degree. Personally I think no expectations is better than any expectations since expectations can either ruin a good movie or hype up a bad one (and generally cloud our judgment), but since I’ve already made the choice to review each of the films of this franchise in turn, there wasn’t any way I was going to be able to go into this without some kind of expectations.

Considering that this movie was released in 2017 I’m at least expecting a heavy usage of high budget computer generated effects since that’s what entertainment decided we wanted somewhere in the mid to late 90’s and early aughts and it’s only been turbocharged since the 2010’s. As far as story is concerned, I’m definitely not getting my hopes up. This series hasn’t had anywhere to go script-wise since movie 2 and now we’re somehow on movie 5 so whatever happens I’m at least prepared for a lot of random bull crap. If this movie has anything going for it, I’m kinda hoping it follows the lead of Dead Man’s Chest to some degree. What I mean is that while the movie itself may not be that good as a whole (because let’s be real, it probably won’t), it may at least have a few moments here and there that’ll make me glad I saw it. Besides that though I suppose I should stop yapping and get straight to it then.

I don’t have any witty remarks for this one since I haven’t seen it yet, so here’s Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales!

---

Well someone's clearly obsessed.

We don’t know who this is yet until eventually we see he’s a kid and he rows out onto the ocean to throw himself into it. You’d think there would be someone looking after this kid to prevent something like this from happening, but whatever. Although, I’m guessing the kid just figured out what movie he’s in.

You can't get out of your contract that easily!

So he’s rescued by the Flying Dutchman. You know what that means? More Will!!! yay… Okay, in all fairness Will (played for the fourth time by Orlando Bloom) actually isn’t in this movie for very long, just the opening and ending. Why did he come to save this random boy however? Well, this random boy isn’t random at all, it’s actually his son Henry Turner (played in this flashback by Lewis McGowan) who thinks he may have a way to break his father’s curse: the Trident of Poseidon. Supposedly it has the ability to break all nautical curses. That didn’t seem to help the skeleton pirates in the first movie, but whatever. Will however isn’t convinced that it’s real despite the fact that he literally stands before his son right now under the influence of a nautical curse, but whatever! Dejected, Henry gets back on his rowboat and sets out to have no personality for the rest of this movie. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

Nine years later Henry (now played by Brenton Thwaites) somehow managed to make his way into the Royal Navy and they’re in the process of chasing a pirate ship. Directly into the Devil’s Triangle. Smart. Henry goes to warn the captain of the danger but this insubordination only results in him being locked in the brig for treason. Great job Henry. How many was it, like 80+ against 1, how else did you expect this to go? After sailing into said triangle the crew finds themselves at the mercy of yet another ghost story crew in this franchise, this time led by Captain Salazar (played by Javier Bardem). Not only is this clearly not an original idea (in this movie or any other), but they cement its unoriginality by having Salazar’s first line be this:

What are you?

Death!

That’s quite possibly the most boring and generic thing they could’ve had him say. I honestly would’ve preferred if they had this back-and-forth:

You don't have to do this.

People always say the same thing.

What do they say?

They say "You don't have to do this."

It would've been equally as unoriginal, but I would've liked it more than what they actually did!

Speaking of Salazar, he’s probably one of the strangest things in this movie. Granted Pirates villains up until now have had a motif of oddness from Barbossa’s over-the-top-ness, Davy Jones’ weird pronunciations and design, and Blackbeard’s…senility I’ve grown accustomed to strange Pirates villains. The kind of strange that Salazar is however isn’t fun (much like Blackbeard) it’s just…strange. Firstly, like I predicted in my introduction, this movie contains a lot of overblown computer generated effects which show the most with Captain Salazar and his crew. In the case of Salazar, one thing you’ll probably notice early on is that his hair is constantly in motion as if he’s constantly submerged in water. I will concede some ground that it can be kinda cool, but it’s mostly distracting. Javier Bardem is a great actor and has been able to pull off a wide range of performances, but most of that has been through both his facial expressions and voice. The constantly waving underwater hair Salazar has can cause your eyes to drift when you’re watching and distract you from Bardem’s face which is where your attention should be. Not only that but they put this weird filter over Bardem’s voice which just makes him sound very breathy and awkward. I know they’re trying to make him sound creepier, but if I’m more scared of him flipping a coin in No Country for Old Men then something’s not working.

All of this adding to Javier Bardem’s performance ends up taking away a lot of what makes him enjoyable to watch. A good example of something that makes concepts like this work a lot better is Eris from the Dreamworks animated film Sinbad. While I’m not saying this movie was good overall, at least this one particular aspect was very well done. Since the movie is animated they have Eris, the Goddess of Discord, move around like she’s made of smoke or fluid of some sort which results in some really impressive animation of her whizzing from place to place in a flash, her hair constantly waving around, and her dissolving and reappearing elsewhere. It works well here since the film is animated so it’s all the same medium. The drawing and inking come together perfectly and match each of the other environments of the film easily. In the case of Dead Men Tell No Tales it doesn’t work as well since it’s such an obvious CG effect that it keeps reminding you what you’re seeing isn’t directly in front of the camera. It immediately creates a disconnect between the film and the audience which can make it harder to focus on the plot, characters, or even the visuals.

Death...

Also, he's obsessed with death. Boring.

Last thing about Salazar (sorry, I know I’m talking a lot about him) is that he starts the movie by killing this ship full of Royal Navy leaving Henry as the only one alive. Although, it’s revealed later in the film that Salazar actually had a reasonably honorable goal of ridding the seas of pirates. If that’s the case though, then why did he kill this ship full of Royal Navy? His whole thing is getting rid of pirates, so why wouldn’t he just talk to the Navy instead of killing them? That and since he’s been cursed the only person he’s cared about is Jack Sparrow (because of course), so right out of the gate his motivations are already shaky. Like I said though, Salazar leaves Henry to go back and deliver the message to Jack that Salazar wants to kill him. He would do it himself, but -

Dead men tell no tales.

Oh you think I'm joking. No, that's literally what the movie does.

Meanwhile, back on the isle of St. Martin (because we totally know and care what that is), a certain Carina Smyth (played by Kaya Scodelario) is accused of witchcraft and sentenced to be hanged until she escapes. Eventually she’ll become a main character, but her entire personality is just ‘not being a witch’ and daddy issues. Yeah, it’s honestly kinda painful since the majority of the film is about “Women Oppression” whenever she’s on screen! While I’m not saying stuff like that didn’t exist and wasn’t bad (because it very much was), the movie leans into that stuff way too hard to the point where they forgot to give Carina any character. Sure you can address the harshness of the past that women had to go through, but at least make us like and relate to her! Also, I think this just speaks to a common motif of Disney nowadays where they try to seem “woke” by putting stuff like this in their films but not actually doing anything with it. On the surface it feels like something deeper is being offered, but once you think about it for 2 seconds you realize there’s nothing beneath the surface. It’s just in there for Disney to earn cheap SJW Twitter points (or as I call it: Xitter) and Disney can keep being hypocrites behind the scenes the whole time. They literally have their own lobbying group with some surprising reach in Congress that advocates for the exact opposite of civil rights!

I confess that I am not a witch. Neither do I have any development.

At the same time the St. Martin Bank is being opened. They sure talk a big game, but this is pretty embarrassing.

If nothing else, every Jack intro is pretty good in these movies.

It gets better.

Sir, I believe that's your wife.

...Frances?

That would probably be funnier if I wasn't thinking about the Depp/Heard trial.

As it turns out Jack (played for the…last?

Yeah, last - 

- time by Johnny Depp) is currently in the process of robbing said bank with the help of his crew and 12 horses. Using those 12 horses, attached with ropes to the vault inside the bank, they manage to pull both it and the entire building down the street.

No.

In case you’re curious, this is what it looks like:

NO!

Sure I guess it’s pretty goofy, is a fun visual on its own, and brings some color back into these movies, but Curse never went so far as to do something this crazy! There were a few things here and there that did make you question the movie’s logic, but it did at least follow your general preconceived ideas of how the world worked (with the exception of the supernatural stuff) to the point where it wasn’t that distracting if you didn’t bother paying attention to it. With this, how is this supposed to be real? Like at all? If you’re paying attention or not I don’t know how you’re supposed to see this as something that could legit happen in real life! Especially after the mayor already announced that the vault in itself weighs 1 imperial tonne (2,240 lbs.)! So they drag the whole-ass building through the town and eventually pick up Carina along the way while exploiting more oppression clichés.

As a dog woman myself, I am offended.

In case it didn't come across, that was a joke.

Eventually the bank gag comes to a head with this image.

12 horses. How? 12 HORSES!

Unfortunately, Jack forgot to close the vault before they dragged everything through town, so every bit of gold that was inside of it fell out during the transportation process. His crew is so frustrated and fed up that they end up abandoning him. This means that Jack is down on his luck. For the

FIFTH

FRIGGIN’

TIME!

Okay, I understand trying to establish a style and whatnot, but this isn’t stylistic it’s just freaking repetitive! In The Curse of the Black Pearl Jack was mutinied upon before the movie even started and the film was more or less about him trying to reclaim his lost title and glory. Dead Man’s Chest had Jack’s crew start to question his leadership after several lackluster adventures and being chased around by the Royal Navy relentlessly until his debt with Davy Jones caught up with him. At World’s End started with Jack literally dead and a significant chunk of the movie was about going to rescue him while it ended with him being mutinied upon again! On Stranger Tides had Jack give up on the quest for finding the Fountain of Youth since he was low on resources and he ended up saving Gibbs to help him out on the journey. Now he’s had several botched adventures to the point where his crew doesn’t believe in him anymore and he’s left by himself. Are these movies just allergic to originality? All of that was just an exercise in “How to make Jack miserable.” To be fair, watching Gibbs (played for the fifth time by Kevin McNally) walk out on Jack was a bit surprising and even a bit emotional. Mostly because throughout all the movies, despite everything they’ve been through, Gibbs has been the only one fully dedicated to helping Jack no matter what, so it was a little sad to see him let Jack go.

Anyway, we have a scene of Henry in a hospital recovering after the Salazar stuff he went through earlier, but the people around him don’t seem to trust him all that much.

Your sleeves have been ripped. The mark of treason.

Well I think it looks hip!

Carina disguised as a nun comes in to ask for help from Henry, though she’s a bit skeptical about the concept of curses and ghosts and whatnot that Henry keeps talking about. After all she’s a woman of science (an astronomer), so she doesn’t have time for stuff like that. Normally I wouldn’t nitpick this because I’m also a bit more scientifically inclined myself and less likely to believe the kind of stuff that Henry’s talking about in real life. The only problem with this is that this is Pirates of the Caribbean! This series was founded on supernatural stuff and literally every movie has involved some form of paranormal threat, so my only thought is why wouldn’t this stuff be common knowledge at this point in this universe?! Sure she seems more rational and level-headed, but in the context of the movie, comments like this make her look like a Flat-Earther! She also literally just saw a whole-ass bank run through the town being pulled by 12 horses, so where’s your “Science” on that one?!

She also reveals she inherited the diary of Galileo from her father that she never met which is where she got her star fixation from, and she tells Henry that when a blood moon rises the ruby crystal on the front of it will glow and reveal the location of the ‘map no man can rea -

You're right. Watching these movies for this long has taught me when to fast forward. I will still comment on this though.

This map has never been seen nor read by any man.

Luckily I'm not "any man."

Sorry, I wrote that how it should’ve been written. This is what’s actually said:

This map has never been seen nor read by any man.

Luckily I'm a woman.

It’s not bad, but it’s not funny either. Sure it’s also not something huge, but it would’ve been a quick and easy way to get us to like Carina a little more. Even in the smallest of scenes they’re missing out on key moments to give her personality and relatability! Anyway, she ends up getting captured by Royal Guards and Henry manages to escape. This leads us back to Jack and his shenanigans.

Considering he’s washed up for the fifth time in this creatively bankrupt series that was creatively bankrupt the minute it became a series, Jack wants to drown his misery in booze like any sensible pirate. Since Jack is so desperate, he ends up trading his compass away for that sweet sweet rum even though he knows that if he gives away his compass, his greatest fear (Captain Salazar) will come after him. I will give some credit that despite the bar shaking due to the release of Jack’s worst nightmare, this is all he has to say.

Pirate's life.

Yeah, I'll give him a point for that.

Sure that was pretty good, but when we see Salazar and his crew gain their freedom from the Devil’s Triangle, we see Salazar doing this:

He's just standing there doing nothing!

I like to believe that he was just patiently waiting for something to happen while passing the time on his Nintendo DS. 

Unfortunately for Jack, right after he picks up his bottle of rum it gets shot to pieces by Royal Guards who swiftly arrest him and swear to execute him the following morning. That makes me like the whole trading the compass away for rum even more honestly. Not only the fact he traded it for something so minor, but the fact that it ended up being destroyed that quickly making it amount to absolutely nothing is just hilarious to me. In the commotion, Henry picks up Jack’s trail and follows him to his cell in disguise, Salazar starts his oceanic killing spree on his hunt for Jack, the blood moon rises in Carina’s cell revealing the location of the map, and the one saving grace in all these movies comes back into play.

Geoffrey Rush, we truly don't deserve you.

Barbossa (played for the final time by Geoffrey Rush) is warned by his crew that Salazar has been released and is slowly taking down every pirate ship he comes across including the fleet that Barbossa controls on account of him acquiring the Queen Anne’s Revenge at the end of the last film. Worried, he goes to see his witch friend Shansa (played by Golshifteh Farahani (joke’s on you, I don’t have to pronounce that!)) whose never been brought up in the films until now. He wants to know what he needs to do to overcome Salazar and his cursed ship, so she gives him Jack’s compass that she spawned out of thin air (she’s a witch so I’ll give it a pass) to lead him to Jack when Salazar inevitably catches up to him.

The next morning Jack is due to be executed until he comes across a familiar face.

Uncle Jack!

Jackie boy!

Yes folks, that's Paul McCartney playing Jack's uncle. 

Believe it or not, I actually like this cameo more than Keith Richards’ cameos. Not to say it’s a good cameo necessarily, but the cameos in the 2 previous films with Keith Richards were so pointless when they shouldn’t have been that it made them so annoying to see. In the case of this Paul McCartney cameo however, it knows it’s a pointless cameo and treats it like a pointless cameo. If you cut this part out of the movie you definitely wouldn’t miss anything, but the pure randomness and oddness of it makes me laugh in the strangest of ways. Sure the joke he tells isn’t that funny either, but what makes it funny is the reaction to the punchline.

A skeleton goes into a bar, orders a beer and a mop.

[distant laughter]

I don't care, this stupid scene is the funniest in the movie!

Jack and Carina are simultaneously slated to be executed that morning, and I’m not gonna lie, it’s this scene that’s surprisingly good too. So far in the film we’ve had pretty generic setups and mostly unfunny humor, but it’s what happens here that really breaks me out of the monotony. When Jack steps up to be executed via guillotine and Carina steps up to be executed via noose, neither of them can help but argue with each other about who gets executed first. For real, seeing these two bicker like children over who dies first and who has the more painless method of execution gets some genuine chuckles out of me until we see Henry swoop in.

Look ma, I'm Tarzan!

Crap...

What then proceeds is essentially a comedy of errors as we take part in quite possibly the wackiest of escapes in these movies so far (which is definitely saying something) on par with the energy of Curse and those few moments from Chest. Henry managed to get Jack’s old crew back on board by paying them to save him and they end up blasting the guillotine platform Jack is on with a cannon. This results in the guillotine hanging on to the platform by a single wooden beam while it constantly swings around and around like so.

While not particularly realistic, it is at least a creative concept and interesting to watch.

However it would be great if Jack did die so we can make sure there'll be no more sequels. 

We also have a pretty dumb Carina rescue attempt courtesy of Scrum (played again by Stephen Graham).

The way the executioner is practically a brick wall compared to him...

Jack’s guillotine disintegrates resulting in this moment too.

That's just hilariously ridiculous.

One thing that does bring down the mood though is just knowing that this is another Pirates sequel. Sure this might be a good moment, but you know they’re gonna throw in some bull crap later that’ll overshadow all of this anyway. Heck, they’ve already thrown in some bull crap! It’s the fact that once this is over we have to return to that bull crap that’s so annoying, why can’t we just have this craziness for the rest of the movie?! I know nothing else is going to be better than this in the movie, so why even try? Even worse, the name of the ship they escape on is also kinda funny.

Dammit, movie! Stop trying to convince me effort went into this!

As predicted, the fun we just had must now come to an end because: Pirates sequel. Barbossa’s crew comes into contact with Salazar and Barbossa convinces Salazar that he can lead him to Jack with the compass. In the meantime Carina reveals that the ‘map no man can read’ is in the sky. Constellations. Wait, how has anyone been able to get where they needed to go in these movies so far without knowing this? Using constellations on the high seas to navigate is a common method ships use, so what have they been using besides this? Jack’s stupid compass? Okay, then how has everyone else gotten to where they needed to go? I knew this dumb-ness was gonna show up again soon. In the meantime, Shansa (the witch from earlier) tells the kinda-sorta-maybe side villain where to find the Trident. Everyone wave at Shansa’s final scene in the movie! She was so needed. Also, we get Salazar’s backstory which actually includes visuals this time unlike the last film.

Like I said earlier, when Salazar was alive he made it his goal to rid the oceans of all pirates. This is because his father and grandfather were killed by pirates, so he has a personal vendetta built in. Here is also when he met Jack and when Jack got his compass from some random pirate we’ve never seen before. The movie seems to have forgotten that it was Tia Dalma that gave Jack his compass and not this random pirate we’ve never seen before, -

The compass you bartered from me cannot lead you to this?

but WHATEVER!

Young Jack was one of the few pirates left in the ocean after Salazar’s massacres, but it’s because of his trickery back then that Salazar ended up in the Devil’s Triangle and has been cursed for the past several years. I will also say that the de-aging effects on Johnny Depp do work occasionally. I’d also like to clear the record for my Dial of Destiny review. I believe the de-aging effects on Harrison Ford did look good occasionally as well, I don’t know why I forgot to put that in there, but much like Dial of Destiny the de-aging effects can also be distracting and weird in Dead Men Tell No Tales as well.

Is there a way in the de-aging process to make your subject look less like their skin is made of memory foam?

The end of Salazar’s story and the finding of Jack’s ship in the present also marks the halfway point in the movie. If you’re like me, you might be a bit surprised by this. Not that the movie will be over soon, believe me I’m very glad about that, but that it feels like it went by so fast. That’s probably one of my larger issues with the movie: it feels like practically nothing happens. Sure there are goals set up and accomplished by the end, but there’s almost nothing in-between. A journey is completed, but it’s never felt. One thing I noticed the first time I saw this was that I tended to zone out pretty often during these midway scenes. From time to time there’d be a moment that would shock me out of my stupor and get my brain thinking again, but those were pretty few and far between. As a result the movie feels a lot shorter than it is to the point where I was surprised it was over so soon. Granted this movie is the shortest of the franchise, but it’s still over 2 hours long. The thing about making a movie that long is that you need to make sure there’s a legitimate reason for it to be that long. Everything has to be moving forward either on a plot level or character level in every shot, or in the case of an adventure film like this one, you have to feel invested in the journey the characters are taking every step of the way, and this movie doesn’t do that. In the end the plot looks more or less like this:

1. Do thing

2. Do thing

3. Do thing

4. Fight thing

5. Do thing

6. Fight thing

7. …and we’re done.

Funny enough Beauty and the Beast, a movie that’s a whole 30-45 minutes shorter than this film, actually feels longer. To me this is mostly because there are so many things that the filmmakers are getting across in every scene that keep you invested and make it feel as if you lived with these characters by the end, because you really have. In this film it’s kind of a blink and you miss it sort of storytelling. Once again you have the classic Pirates overwritten complex style, but a large part of it is also just scenes for the sake of padding the runtime. Boy did I time ‘padding the runtime’ perfectly, because after Barbossa and Salazar catch up with Jack and his crew, they get chased to shore by zombie sharks (I’m assuming when Salazar was alive he had trained live sharks take down ships for him(also, trust me, it’s not nearly as interesting as it sounds)) until they run into the jungle and get captured by these people.

What is happening?!

Yeah, so apparently Jack owes this one guy a debt (because what else is new) and in order for Jack to repay that debt he wants Jack to marry his sister. What? What are we doing? What does this have to do with anything?! This showed up right the heck out of nowhere and is gone just as quickly. “Well clearly you just don’t understand how necessary this part of the script was to the story” says one of the writers in the comments section of this page. Yeah, I don’t! Please someone save us from this nonsense!

Jack, we meet again.

Thank the Lord.

With Barbossa’s help, Jack gets the Black Pearl back to its former glory and they use it to sail off and find the Trident of Poseidon. Also, one thing I’d like to point out is that there are 4 characters in this franchise at this point that’ve at least made an appearance in every film. First of course is Jack Sparrow, second is Gibbs, third is Barbossa, and fourth is Jack the monkey.

On their way to the Trident, Barbossa figures out that Carina is his long lost daughter. Okay. Of course Rush plays it really well, but there’s practically no heart outside of that to make it interesting. Carina doesn’t find out about this until the end of the movie and even then she still doesn’t have that much of a personality which makes it more difficult for any of this to get any emotions out of me. The only thing she does in the end to address her newfound roots is change her name from Carina Smyth to Carina Barbossa. Yeah, and I’m Rey Skywalker. Also this happens near the end of the movie anyway! Sure we’re about 2/3rds into the film so we have some time left, but it would’ve hit a lot harder if this detail was revealed earlier on and us as the audience had to view Barbossa and his fight to stay alive differently because of this tidbit. The whole time: was he fighting for self-preservation or to save his daughter? It would’ve added layers to a franchise that is for some reason perfectly comfortable having none! Eventually they end up coming across a Royal Navy ship captained by our kinda-sorta-maybe side villain who I just realized doesn’t have a name.

Sure.

He ends up getting caught by Salazar’s ship immediately after this and destroyed anyway, so who cares? I just wish the short, whiny version of Colin Firth got that same treatment in At World’s End. After that, Salazar and his crew close in on their real prey aboard the Black Pearl and they have themselves a fight sequence. I suppose it’s energetic, but it doesn’t last that particularly long and also doesn’t up the ante from any of the previous fight sequences we’ve seen in this franchise. The main reason to make a movie like this should be to add something new and impressive to this writing or visuals, and since this film was clearly made for the purposes of cha-ching, none of this is impressive at all. Also, there’s even more unoriginal bull crap in it! Stop me if you’ve heard this one before: a giant statue -

Well that didn’t take long. Yeah, in the end this fight scene is pretty skippable, but the even more annoying part is that this scene was the one right before the climax! Uh-huh, they actually did that! Henry gets captured and they land on the island the stars led them to which turns out to be a perfect reflection of the stars above. More magic, I’m assuming. Carina takes the ruby she got from the front of Galileo’s diary and puts it in its proper place with no explanation as to how she figured out where it was supposed to go in a sea of glittering rocks! Moses comes in to shake things up and the Trident of Poseidon is revealed. However, Henry bursts in trying to kill Jack! Oh no! As it turns out he got possessed by Salazar. You know, if Salazar could’ve done this the whole time then why didn’t he possess Henry when he went into the Devil’s Triangle earlier? Wouldn’t that have made things a lot easier for him? You know, I really shouldn’t question things this close to the end credits. Salazar gets to the Trident first and tries to kill Jack with his non-explain-y powers, but Carina and Henry (since Salazar de-possessed Henry I guess) get to Salazar and destroy the Trident because that’s supposed to put an end to all nautical curses as previously mentioned. If it makes the movie go faster then sure. Salazar and his crew become real boys, but with the Trident destroyed the water starts to close in on them. Best get movin’!

Barbossa and the rest of the Black Pearl crew are luckily riding along the ocean’s surface just above them and lower their anchor down for their pals to climb up. Since this movie hates me though, Barbossa ends up dying.

Give me your hand, movie. GIVE ME YOUR HAND, you know what you did!

So everyone lives happily ever after more or less. After surviving this mind-numbing adventure, Henry and Carina go home to presumably prepare for their wedding (despite the fact they have no chemistry whatsoever) while Will and Elizabeth (played for the last time by Keira Knightley) meet up as well after Will’s curse is lifted. I’ll let you know if I feel an emotion. Meanwhile, Jack and the rest of his crew sail off into the sunset because: first movie, third movie, and fourth movie. I think now is probably a good time to mention as well that each Pirates film has its own post-credits scene. Yeah, I haven’t mentioned them in any of the previous reviews because they’ve pretty much been unremarkable and didn’t tie into the story at all. Mostly they’ve just been a fun and neat addition to the movie (though ‘fun’ and ‘neat’ are strongly subjective). Until now, which is why I’m mentioning it.

In The Curse of the Black Pearl the post-credits scene involved Jack the monkey stealing another medallion from the stone chest and cursing himself in the process. Dead Man’s Chest ended with the Pelegostos tribes people crowning the key dog as their new chief. At World’s End had Will come back 10 years after being cursed to see Elizabeth and the now 10 year old Henry. On Stranger Tides was pointless since it had Angelica finding the voodoo doll of Jack they had lost earlier in the film which played no part in this one. Then…the post-credits scene for this one…I can’t even, just look.

YOU’RE NOT HAPPENING, SEQUEL!

So that was Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales, and quite frankly, I think it was majorly disappointing. You might be curious as to why I chose to describe it that way, so let me go into a bit more detail.

---

Sure this film was likely never going to live up to any sort of quality standard, but the reason I feel the need to describe it as ‘disappointing’ is because after watching and seeing those few moments that did have me enjoying myself, laughing, and getting invested in the action, the movie made me believe for a moment that it might actually do things right. I was hoping it would at least have those few moments of intrigue that made me glad I watched it like with Dead Man’s Chest. I suppose it did that to some degree, but just considering this is the fifth film in the franchise it mostly ends up being tired and stale. In the end, it’s just another Pirates sequel which is exactly what it shouldn’t be. Surprisingly enough I was actually enjoying this Pirates sequel until it reminded me it’s a Pirates sequel. With little effort thrown in, Disney clearly trying to make money off of a fading fad, and a script that’s first language is “College Essay Question”, it’s just the same old same old.

I will still attest that there are a couple things I like in this movie. They mostly revolve around those few moments with the random Paul McCartney cameo as well as that wacky escape sequence at around the 40-45 minute mark, but there are some key differences between the kind of good that this movie has compared to the kind of good something like Dead Man’s Chest has. If you read my review of that film, you might remember I said something to the effect of “This is the kind of movie I wouldn’t mind rewatching every 3 or 4 years.” In fact, I also had a similar attitude about the film 12 Monkeys that I reviewed prior to that. Both Dead Man’s Chest and 12 Monkeys have enough good things in them to make me want to experience the films in their entirety and original context after a certain amount of time has passed between viewings. In the case of Dead Men Tell No Tales however, I’d much rather clip my favorite parts on YouTube and never watch the movie again. That’s not a good sign.

If nothing else, I’ll definitely remember this film for what it could’ve been and what Disney almost gave us in some moments. At the same time however, I can’t help but be frustrated that not only are we not going to get that film, but it’s probable we’ll just get another by-the-numbers sequel after a certain amount of time. When that happens I’ll still be here to review it, but I’m not gonna like it (probably). For now though, don’t expect anything interesting out of this movie, or this franchise for your money or your weekend movie night.

As far as ratings are concerned, I think I’ll give it a 1.5/5 bloody Johnny Depps. I could probably be softer on this movie and rate it a 2/5 because of those few good scenes, but I just can’t bring myself to do it based on its sheer repetitiveness. That’s mostly what grinds my gears about this film, it’s repetitive, unoriginal, not fun, and above all: plotless. The few moments of intrigue do prevent me from rating it at or below At World’s End, but in conjunction with the rest of the franchise it’s a film that’s easily skipped.

I’m assuming this is a clip that Amber Heard has playing in her house 24/7.

Thank you as well to everyone for joining me on this journey through the Pirates franchise!

It’s certainly been…a journey, and some moments were difficult to get through, but we made it!

This definitely won’t be the last franchise I’ll do, but I prefer to put a reasonable amount of space between the franchises I cover so I don’t get too tired out.

If you have any recommendations for franchises you’d like me to cover in the future, feel free to shoot me an email through the Contact Page of this website.

Next week I’ll be going back to one-off films and I hope I’ll see you there!

Other Pirates Reviews

Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides

(I make no claim of ownership for any of the images used in this post)

(Each of them are owned entirely by their respective copyright holders, which are not me)

(I’m just a humble blogger who talks about movies, I do not make them)

(Yet)

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides

Disclaimer:

The film I’ll be reviewing this week is rated: PG-13

Some content and images included will be unsuitable for children.

Wanna know something funny? I actually forgot my usual movie review process prior to starting this review and ended up watching this movie before I wrote this intro. However, everything was so forgettable that I still don’t remember what happened in the movie as I’m writing this! I guess it comes back around full circle that way, but that doesn’t bode well for the film’s quality at all. I remember there being something about mermaids at one point which were kinda cool, Penélope Cruz was in it, and Blackbeard was…there. That’s pretty much it though. Outside of all that it was a pretty generic action adventure flick that easily could’ve been released by the SyFy channel as opposed to a big name company like Disney. So I guess the question now isn’t so much “Is this a good movie,” (because it clearly isn’t) it’s more “Is this movie better or worse than the last one?”

You might think that’s an easy question to answer considering how bad the last film was. If you happened to read my review of it, you may remember me saying in my conclusion that I would “Always remember the bad taste this film left in my mouth,” which is definitely a mountain of bad for On Stranger Tides to go up against. However it does beg the question “What’s better: a memorable disaster, or a forgettable yawn?” Would you rather watch a bonkers catastrophe, or mind-numbing TV static? I hate to make it sound like I’m defending At World’s End by any means because I do not intend to. Despite what On Stranger Tides is, I still 100% hate At World’s End and would rather drown in the Pirates of the Caribbean amusement park ride than watch it again, but would I rather watch On Stranger Tides than watch At World’s End again? Well, I guess that’s what I’m here to find out.

Wake up your sleepy Ian McShanes and let’s take a trip to the Fountain of Indiana Jones with Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides.

---

Oh, Disney changed the logo again...

Sure.

We open on this fishing boat getting a pretty good haul.

I guess we're shipping this to Pelegostos island. 

As it turns out the guy isn’t dead and they end up taking him to the city of Cádiz, Spain because he has a journal with him which includes information on the location of the Fountain of Youth. Remember when this used to be a Pirates movie? Me neither. As it turns out, there’s someone at this…palace…place…thing who can help them. This is The Spaniard. Yes, that’s literally what he’s billed as: The Spaniard (played by Óscar Jaenada). So he sets out to find the Fountain of Youth himself. It’s unclear why he wants to do that since we know nothing about him yet and it’s unclear why the movie felt the need to focus on this. The focus of these films has always been Jack Sparrow and the people associated with him and the movie will immediately shift to these characters after this cold open and stick with them for the vast majority of the rest of the film, so this is just 3 and a half minutes we’ll never get back.

After the title card, we cut to London where the movie tries to fake us out with this reveal:

Now appearing before the court, the notorious and infamous pirate, pillager, and highwayman: Captain Jack Sparrow!

Totally got me with that bag headed figure having a physique that in no way resembles Johnny Depp!

Here we have Gibbs, or Joshamee Gibbs to his family (played again again by Kevin McNally), being put on trial for crimes that Jack committed which becomes a bit clearer and funnier when this happens:

Not only is this image alone pretty chuckle-worthy, it gets funnier when we see shots of court officials exchanging bribe money, and Jack being introduced as Justice Smith which I'm pretty sure is a reference to the first movie.

Welcome to Port Royal, Mr. Smith.

It’s unclear what exactly is happening here as well. Jack (played for the fourth time by Johnny Depp) disguised as a judge ends up sentencing his own trusted first mate to life in prison but it’s later revealed that Jack is still working with Gibbs to find the Fountain of Youth. Why then did they need to pretend Gibbs was Jack and have Jack impersonate a judge? Was that a pivotal part of their plan that they wouldn’t have been able to carry out if they didn’t have that step? I will give them this, while not being a major part of their ‘Find the Fountain of Youth’ plan, Gibbs was at least originally sentenced to be hanged which makes it nice that Jack went in to save him from that fate. The only rub is that they end up getting captured, surprising I know, and taken to see King George anyway. It’s unclear which George this is, (played by that guy you kinda remember from the 90’s: Richard Griffiths) who is coincidentally also looking for the Fountain of Youth and wants Jack to show him the way. As far as a captain for this expedition is concerned, the King has elected the help of a very special someone:

It's always great seeing you in these movies!

Barbossa (played for the…third? No, I’ll say fourth time by Geoffrey Rush) is now a privateer under the conscription of the English Royal Navy. As it turns out, after he left Jack without the Pearl at the end of the last movie he ended up losing it along with his leg which gets Jack so mad he mounts an escape. While not the most energetic escape sequence I’ve seen in this franchise so far, it can be somewhat interesting to watch given Jack’s general cleverness and ingenuity in pulling it off. However, I will say that if this were an audience member’s introduction to the character of Jack Sparrow it wouldn’t be nearly as strong as the first film. Just think for a second. If this were the first film and Curse, Chest, and End didn’t exist: this would be our introduction to the infamous, swashbuckling Captain Jack Sparrow and it’s kinda disappointing. The escape sequence is kinda slow-paced which is odd considering that’s the exact opposite problem of the last film. In At World’s End the action tended to be way too fast and cut around too often making it difficult for you to get invested. In this film they hold on shots longer which is great, but the actors themselves seem to move slower too which slows the action down and doesn’t get your blood pumping like in Curse or select moments from Chest. Since the actors are just kinda meandering it also makes the audience ask questions like “Why didn’t they just shoot Jack when they had him surrounded” or “Why didn’t they shoot him when he was standing at the window” or “Why didn’t they shoot him on the chandelier?” Granted, this is only if they haven’t already fallen asleep. Most of this action sequence can be summed up by the Royal Guards’ refusal to shoot things and their lack of coordination.

Also, this happens for no reason:

Is that it?

Thanks random Judi Dench cameo?

Then the sequence ends with another one of these:

Hello, can I be wasted twice?

They bring back Keith Richards to play Jack’s father once again and he’s once again pointless. His appearance isn’t interesting because, much like the last movie, he isn’t offering any insight on Jack’s past, he’s just spewing more exposition. Sure he has 1 good line like he did in the last film too, but it doesn’t justify his appearance. Jack needs 2 chalices to complete the ritual at the Fountain of Youth and this whole time Jack has been followed by someone pretending to be him. That detail is so unimportant I didn’t feel the need to mention it until now. It looks like Jack may have finally cornered his impostor at a bar and they cross swords. Great to see the franchise is learning its lesson from the last film and getting the sword fights going quickly, but there is another thing about this sequence I can’t help but overlook: it’s very reminiscent of the first movie. It’s hard for me to tell if this is the franchise trying to have a sort of ‘Return to Form’ or if this is just plain plagiarism.

One thing that I should note is that this movie is directed by Rob Marshall while the first 3 were directed by Gore Verbinski, so it’s possible this is a case of inspiration over copying, but you can’t rule it out as not a rip-off either. What I’m getting at is that the first film had a fight between Will and Jack in Will’s smithy and the fight here is between Jack and his impostor in a bar, but the fight choreography is very similar to the fight between Will and Jack in the first one along with the zany cartoon-ish tone of it all, the back room of the bar is surprisingly similar to the look and feel of Will’s smithy, and the person Jack’s fighting against will eventually become his ally like in the first one. Speaking of becoming allies with the impostor, who is the impostor?

Oh my gosh, it's...wait, who's that?

Angelica.

...Okay?

This is Angelica (played by Penélope Cruz) who’s supposed to be Jack’s long-lost lover. I see, this movie isn’t ripping off Curse, it’s ripping off every Indiana Jones movie ever made! Better? Yeah, with the introduction of pointless characters we haven’t heard about up until now and the movie trying to act like they’ve always been a part of the story how could I not make the Indiana Jones comparison? Basically, Angelica is the Elizabeth stand-in except less interesting. Considering that Elizabeth’s interest only stretched so far you can see why Angelica’s would be practically non-existent. Also they totally missed out on the opportunity to make a joke about how Jack’s impostor was a woman the whole time. Mostly because Jack already has some very effeminate mannerisms and a crap ton of eyeliner I think that could’ve been funny, however they don’t make that joke so I’mma just call it dumb. Not only is Angelica pretty pointless and boring (even though she’s played by a great actress), she and Jack also have literally no chemistry. These 2 are supposed to have loved each other a long time ago yet they argue like the couple from Twister most of the time and whenever they do have a romantic moment it never feels believable. How many times do these movies have to make it obvious that they’re just doing whatever the heck they want to make money? Well, at least 1 more time.

Jack and Angelica (mostly Jack, though) end up getting caught by the Royal Guard and they escape through a convenient trapdoor in the floor that’s right above the Thames River. In a bar. Not only is the likelihood of something like this happening extremely small (yet movies keep having their main characters do it), the fall into the Thames River would’ve killed them. Why? Because back in the day, the Thames was full of sewage, bodily fluids, and diseases like cholera, typhoid, and many others that were a death sentence to anyone who felt the need to take a dip in it. They somehow make it out of there though and Angelica reveals that she was only impersonating Jack so she could get his attention and lure him in. So Jack gets (say it with me)

CAPTURED

and now seems like a great time to cut away to Gibbs and Barbossa.

Honestly, the main thing that gets me about this is how if Barbossa was just going to threaten Gibbs with being hanged anyway, why even have that opening with Jack and Gibbs in London? You could’ve just as easily had the movie start with Jack drinking by his lonesome in that same bar until he encountered Angelica in disguise and then have the scene of Gibbs with Barbossa. Not only do I think that would be a better way to keep the story more focused in a series that for some reason thrives on complexity, but wouldn’t the reveal of Barbossa as a privateer be that much more interesting and create layers for the script for when Jack eventually encounters Barbossa later in the movie? Us as the audience would know that Barbossa’s life had significantly changed since the last movie, but Jack wouldn’t know that until at least the halfway point which is where they could explore more with it and reveal the stuff about Barbossa’s leg and the Pearl then. Anyway, to save his own skin, Gibbs takes the map to the Fountain and burns it in front of Barbossa. Why? Well, Gibbs took it upon himself to memorize the entire map before he did that, so now Barbossa can’t hang Gibbs if he wants to find the Fountain.

Back with Jack, he wakes up on an unfamiliar ship where we’re officially introduced to the character Scrum (played by Stephen Graham) and we definitely return to classic Pirates territory with a butt-ton of exposition.

Many a man's woken up at sea, no idea what, when, wherefore, or why. No memory of the night afore, whence he signed up and drank away all his bonus money. 

Why is there a glass coffin?

Do I look like a man in charge?

'Scuse me, Captain Sparrow, sir, I be right honored to welcome you aboard our world-renowned vessel of infamy: Queen Anne's Revenge.

Blackbeard.

You gotta love this movie's "Tell don't Show" approach to storytelling.

Also, I'm not even a history buff and I knew the name of Blackbeard's ship was Queen Anne's Revenge, you didn't need to spell it out. 

We’re now in this franchise’s comfort zone with long drawn-out explanations of things we don’t care about given by characters we don’t care about. I’ll give you the TL;DW: Blackbeard has certain members of his crew zombified to make them obedient and susceptible to suggestion, one particular person aboard the ship is being punished for being a missionary, the first mate of the ship is Angelica, and she brought the missionary onto the ship for reasons we’ll get into later. When Jack finds out about this he corners Angelica below deck and they have another argument. Later we find out that Jack actually had feelings for her in the past, it wasn’t just a passing fancy. Can’t you just tell from the way he holds a sharp hook up to her neck? Love works in mysterious ways. Also we have a brief cut back to Gibbs and Barbossa making their way to the Fountain with Gibbs’ help. They come across the Spaniards and The Spaniard on their way to the Fountain as well, but they seem content on leaving Barbossa and his crew to their own devices since they’re dead set on getting to the Fountain as soon as possible.

Well that was fun, how’re Jack and the rest of Blackbeard’s crew doing? They’re planning a mutiny since they never see Blackbeard, like ever, and they’re thinking that it’s possible he may not be on the ship at all. Also, this kid really reminds me of Elizabeth.

I don't know, he just has a strong Keira Knightley look to him.

Just thought I'd get that off my chest. 

I will also give a bit of credit to the actors portraying Blackbeard’s crew. They’re kinda goofy and absent-minded and some of the things they say can be at least somewhat giggle-worthy. Unfortunately they don’t make up for the rest of the paint-by-numbers Pirate concepts we have in the rest of the movie, but granted that’s not their job so I don’t blame them for that. After Elizabeth’s real son delivers all of the swords on the ship to the crew, they’re able to begin their mutiny in earnest which is also pretty reminiscent of the first movie. Not only are the zombified crew members immortal much like the cursed pirates of the first film (and Davy Jones’ crew for that matter), but the mutiny they carry out feels much like the final battle between the cursed pirates and the Navy in the first film, and they even play the same song from the first film that played during the climax (or at least one that’s very similar to it). In the end, is there anything here that’s pushing the boundaries of what can be done with this concept? Everything feels so much like cut-and-paste that it’s hard to get invested in anything, and speaking of not getting invested in things: enter Blackbeard (played by Ian McShane).

In all fairness, look at him. He looks like Blackbeard come to life. Look at a rendition of Blackbeard and then look at Ian McShane in this role. This should be perfect.

Even though they managed to get the look spot-on, the feel is greatly lacking. It’s hard to describe it in a medium where you can’t hear the performance for yourself, but he just sounds and acts so off in this role to the point where it feels like a miscast. Remember those renditions of Blackbeard that I showed you not long ago? Don’t those images just exude intimidation, strength, and ruthlessness? Isn’t that just the absolute image of a pirate to you? Now compare it to lines like these:

I be placed in a bewilderment. There I were...resting.

And what fate befalls mutineers? Now we know the answer to that...do we not?

They are sheep. You, their shepherd. 

If I don't kill a man every now and then they forget who I am.

[MISSIONARY] Coward!

Hmm...?

Pray he be delivered frommmmmm evil?

Imagine the real Blackbeard saying anything like that!

Pray he be delivered frommmmmm evil?

If I’m being honest, I probably wouldn’t care nearly as much if this were just another pirate made up for the sake of the story. Barbossa in the first movie clearly fits that description (he had charm and intimidation to him simultaneously), and while the origin behind Davy Jones is based on real folklore they at least manage to do a lot with his character (particularly in the second film). Sure you want your antagonists in these stories to have a bit of bite to them (whether they’re real or fake) purely for the sake of making the protagonist(s)’s struggle all the more real, but Blackbeard is an actual depiction of a historical figure in a fictitious setting. While I’m not saying that you want to give this person respect necessarily (he is still a historical criminal), at least give us something that you would expect given those noteworthy artistic interpretations. Actually make it feel like history come to life to the point where you could reasonably see the actual historical figure doing similar things. Instead I can’t help but think this is the real impostor in this movie as opposed to Angelica dressed as Jack earlier. There’s no way this is the real Blackbeard.

That and what Blackbeard is capable of doing in this movie is pretty vague. He just randomly has magic powers (we already went over his zombified crew), a sword that controls his ship, voodoo dolls that hardly play a part in the story, shrunken ships in bottles (the Black Pearl is included among them), one of his crew members can see into the future, and…fire…I guess? Does literally every antagonist in these movies have to be some vague supernatural threat? I probably would’ve liked it much better if Blackbeard was just a regular pirate but what made him powerful was the stories of his exploits. He would be such an intimidating and ruthless pirate to the point that the Navy wouldn’t dare touch him. That to me would be a lot more effective and give us something different in these movies. But nope, he’s just magic because magic. Whoop-de-doo. Also Angelica’s his daughter and she brought the missionary on board the ship to try and convert him. Moving on.

The Quartermaster sees things before they happen. He has foreseen my death.

Can it at least happen in less than 2 hours?

I aim too high.

So Blackbeard talks about being killed at the hands of a one-legged man (GoLlY, i WoNdEr WhO tHaT iS), and shows off the voodoo doll I mentioned earlier.

Did you see Jack's face? Even he looked like "Oh, well that's a thing."

So what now? In order for the Fountain to work you need to get a mermaid’s tear. Where are mermaids you might ask? White Cap Bay. Where/what is White Cap Bay?

…

Great question…

Now our good friend Barbossa sets his course (with Gibbs’ help) for White Cap Bay. Ultimately we don’t really need these scenes of Barbossa making his way to the Fountain, but since Barbossa is the best part of this movie I’ll take whatever I can get. Also, Jack and Angelica have a…moment. I don’t want to call it a romantic moment because that would imply there’s actual emotion involved, but it’s at least…a moment.

It's so beautiful! Truly this is one of the greatest couples of all time!

Rick and Ilsa.

Westley and Buttercup.

Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy.

Gomez and Morticia...

Jack Sparrow and Penélope Cruz.

Yeah, I already forgot her name.

What was it again?

Angelica.

Thank you.

They eventually make it to White Cap Bay and we get to see the mermaids for the first time. Out of everything else that’s in this movie, the mermaids are easily one of the most memorable things from it. Unlike mermaids that you’ve likely seen in other areas (and even from other Disney properties) these mermaids are a bit more like sirens: luring seafaring men to their watery graves and peeling the flesh off their bones. Damn, that’s hardcore! They can leap out of the water like dolphins to attack their prey (even if that can look a bit silly at times) and they also have grappling hooks made out of seaweed (…I think?).

Also, the song that Scrum sings to lure the mermaids in is really catchy to me. Especially when this first mermaid joins in and gets to show off her singing chops it only makes me enjoy it more. In case you’re curious, it’s called ‘Jolly Sailor Bold’ and you can probably look it up on whatever service you use to stream music on. Weirdly it’s this part that sticks in my head the most after the movie is over.

That helps too.

Blackbeard’s crew faces off against the most memorable part of the film until eventually Jack manages to get to the nearby lighthouse and blow it up causing them to disperse. Not after losing a significant number of crew members to mermaids though. However, I wish they showed the sailors getting ripped to pieces by the mermaids. Mostly what they do is just have the mermaids grab them and pull them under the water which is definitely brutal, but not as brutal as tearing them apart and eating them. It’s implied that that’s what they do, but…I kinda wanna see them do it. Luckily they manage to get their hands on the cutest of the mermaids (played by Astrid Bergès-Frisbey). By ‘they’ I mean the missionary (which now is probably a good time to say he’s played by Sam Claflin) who’ll become more of a character after this happens. Since we already have our Elizabeth stand-in with Angelica, the missionary is more or less our Will stand-in so prepare to be unfazed by him.

Barbossa and his crew eventually make it to White Cap Bay as well and their ship ends up getting massacred by mermaids. Barbossa doesn’t seem to mind though.

I hear nothing but seagulls nesting. What is it that you hear, Mr. Groves?

...Seagulls nesting.

Heck, if Barbossa doesn't care I don't care.

Also, is that the same guy from the first movie?

That's got to be the best pirate I've ever seen.

Yeah, it is! 

So they trek through the jungle until - wait, this seems like the perfect opportunity for pedantic writing! The ritual involving the Fountain has to be carried out like this: you take both chalices and fill them with water from the Fountain while only one of them gets the mermaid’s tear. The person who drinks from the chalice with the tear gets all the years from the other person who drinks from the chalice without the tear including the years they’ve already lived, and the years they could’ve lived. Cool. That and the missionary starts growing attached to the mermaid. Like I said: Will stand-in.

She needs air!

Power of God, biatch!

This makes way for even more pedantic writing where they eventually make their way to a cliff with a river below and for some reason one of them has to jump into the river. It’s not explained why, but I’ll count my blessings because no explanation is better than an explanation in these movies. What they do to decide who jumps (instead of Blackbeard doing the simple thing of threatening to shoot Angelica if Jack doesn’t jump) is grab 6 pistols, remove the shots from all but 2, and have Jack pick pistols to shoot at Angelica. Oh my gosh, does everything have to be complicated in these movies?! In the end this of course amounts to Jack jumping and surviving (shocking, I know). Why go through this time-wasting bull crap if we can just have a person jump and move on?! If someone wanted to eat a bagel in these movies they’d first have to do a handstand, juggle 5 kittens, swim the entire perimeter of the Caribbean Sea, and walk on hot coals on their way to the bakery. Don’t even get me started on what they’d have to do before paying!

Also, how bad is it that you’ve gotten so used to spewing exposition that you just start doing it to no one.

The Santiago. Famously captained by Ponce de Leon. 

Oh, there's no one there.

Back with the crew, the case they’re carrying the mermaid in breaks and we see that when mermaids go on land they turn human. This had to be a first draft for Luca, right? Also, the missionary takes this as an opportunity to grow even more fond of the mermaid by carrying her in his arms since she has trouble walking and naming her Syrena. Okay, I’ll concede some ground. Angelica and Jack aren’t one of the greatest couples of all time, it’s missionary boy and Syrena! People will be talking about their undying love for centuries to come! That and eventually Blackbeard leads them to a clearing full of pools where he decides to torture Syrena until she gives them a tear. Considering the aforementioned fondness blossoming between Syrena and missionary dude, Blackbeard tortures missionary guy to try and get Syrena to cry but it doesn’t work. I don’t blame her either.

Meanwhile, Jack goes onto the rickety unbalanced ship only to find Barbossa already there and they work together to find the chalices. Once they locate the chest they’re supposed to be kept in they find only rocks in their place. The Spanish have already beat them to the chalices. Honestly it’s surprising that Barbossa didn’t know that considering he already knew the Spanish were after the Fountain and were already ahead of him and his crew, but whatever. Details, details. Jack and Barbossa end up forming a brief alliance for the sake of acquiring the chalices from the Spanish at their camp. It’s…an interesting plan they come up with to say the least.

So this is a cartoon!

Despite their best efforts, Jack and Barbossa end up getting…ugh…captured. Here we also see that Barbossa’s peg leg has another use.

I think Barbossa's my favorite character. 

Not only is Geoffrey Rush always giving 100% no matter what role he’s in, but he can get some pretty good comedic moments such as this one and whenever he talks about exposition stuff I always feel inclined to listen. This is mostly because of his investment in the material like in the case of Curse where he was describing the ins and outs of the curse itself. I was still captivated by his brief appearance in Chest just for his stage presence alone. In End I really wanted to pay attention to what he was talking about but it was only because what he was talking about made absolutely no sense that I couldn’t keep up. At the very least he seemed like he knew what he was talking about. Then for this one it’s surprisingly intriguing the way he describes how he lost the Pearl and his leg to Blackbeard. Personally I would’ve preferred something more like some visuals to accompany his exposition that would draw us in even more, but just based on Rush’s acting I felt invested for a moment in a movie that has practically 0 investment.

Jack then shimmies his way up the tree trunk he’s tied to and starts escaping with his trusty rope!

What is with the assholes in these movies and being stopped by a rope?!

This is the second time a fully armed military force was defeated by swole yarn!

Eventually Jack makes it back to Blackbeard’s group, sets Gibbs free by giving him his magic compass, and they make their way to the Fountain itself. I will give the movie this as well: the entrance to the Fountain is surprisingly interesting.

Aqua...de Vida.

The water climbs up the walls, 

It creates a pool on the ceiling, 

You jump into it and it takes you to the Fountain above.

It’s actually kinda cool! The Fountain itself however is honestly pretty lame.

Really? That's it?

For a bit of comparison, here’s some artistic renditions of the Fountain of Youth I found on the internet and try telling me you wouldn’t prefer seeing one of these in the cinema over whatever the frick that was:

Sorry for the censorship. This isn't that kind of blog. 

See what I mean? Pretty lame. 

Before anyone can begin the ritual however, Barbossa bursts in with his crew of Navy and they start to fight. Jack intervenes for a second though because he has an idea. Ultimately Barbossa just wants to kill Blackbeard, so why do the rest of them have to fight? Why not just let Barbossa and Blackbeard duke it out and all the other crew members hang out on the sidelines? You know what, that actually makes a lot of sense, but it’s probably because it makes sense that the movie doesn’t follow through with it. Instead we get a big all-out brawl with everybody trying to kill each other, get the ritual items, and just generally not die. Missionary boi ends up getting slashed pretty hard in the middle of it and leaves with little to no resistance to get back to Syrena. Oh right, she’s in this movie!

Oh, and these guys too! Aren't you glad we opened the movie with them?

So the Spanish, including The Spaniard, come in to throw a wrench into everyone’s plan by doing whatever they can to destroy the Fountain. It’s their firm belief as Catholics that only God can grant eternal life, so they denounce everyone there for trying to gain it for themselves. What’s also pretty dumb about this is why didn’t the Spanish destroy the chalices when they had them in their possession earlier? Yeah, that one guy was just sitting polishing the chalices instead of crushing them! Dumbass. In the confusion Barbossa ends up impaling Blackbeard with his poisoned sword thereby proving the prophecy true (Oh right, there was a prophecy in this too!) and Angelica tries to save him but gets poisoned herself. Dumbass. With everything crumbling around them, courtesy of the Spanish, Jack manages to just barely get a hold of the cracked chalices, fill them with water, put the tear in one, and give them to Blackbeard and Angelica. What do you think’s gonna happen then? Remember the chalice with the tear gives life and the other without the tear takes it away. Of course, Jack tricks Blackbeard into drinking from the death chalice! Honestly though, the stupidest thing about this is how Blackbeard just blindly took Jack’s word on which chalice was good and which one was bad. When did you start trusting Jack on anything? Dumbass! I will admit though, this does give way to a pretty badass death scene for Blackbeard.

How many reviewers have made that joke already? Probably all of them, but dammit it's funny!

Just in case you were one of the few people who cared about this: Syrena saves missionary bro’s life. I can’t wait for them not to be utilized in the next one! So what happens to Angelica now?

One pistol, one shot.

True love, everybody. 

We also get a brief denouement from Barbossa as he takes over the Queen Anne’s Revenge using the sword he took from Blackbeard. Also, I’m not entirely sure why but I kinda get chills whenever I see Barbossa put his old hat back on. Certainly more chills than I got from Jack putting his hat back on after the Kraken spat it out in Chest. Barbossa sets off for Tortuga to reclaim his pirate life with his new set of magical trinkets and Jack meets up with Gibbs again who managed to make off with every bottled ship left over from the Queen Anne’s Revenge, including the Black Pearl herself. Jack actually gives a pretty decent reasoning behind why he didn’t drink from the Fountain. In the end eternal life is a life without thrills. That’s essentially what it boils down to and I kinda respect that. What I don’t respect is this incredibly underwhelming final line.

It's a pirate's life for me. Savvy?

Oh, well I guess that's it then. 

...Sure.

That’s probably the best way to sum up this movie: …sure.

---

As you may have assumed, this movie is pretty dull. Like I said in my intro, the biggest thing you’ll probably take away from this movie is the mermaid stuff because it was pretty cool. Even the song they sing is very hummable and I find myself humming it from time-to-time, but that’s basically it. While I’m writing this conclusion the details of the film are already starting to slip away which is definitely not what you want if you wanted to engage your audience with creative action, interesting locations, fun characters, and energetic slapstick. Once when I watched this movie during the week I ended up seeing if the movie could crack even one emotion out of me in a single viewing. Suffice to say, you could essentially watch this whole film with the exact same neutral expression.

Yeah, that's the one.

The ultimate question however is what do I think about the question I posed in the intro now? Do I consider this film to be better or worse than At World’s End? In the end I’d say this film is worse than At World’s End. What makes me say that? Well, to At World’s End’s very little credit it at least had characters we recognized and expanded their personalities (even if it was very badly done), built off of the story line set up by the previous film (even if it was done badly), and tried to give us something different (even if that also didn’t work out). On Stranger Tides turns out to be a nothing film. Sure it has action, it has characters we know, and it has few interesting ideas, but its loyalties are clearly tied to franchising and not entertainment. I suppose if you watched this movie out of context of the other 4 it wouldn’t be that bad, it’d just be your run-of-the-mill action adventure flick that you can add to your list of background noise films like rom coms and Adam Sandler projects, but that’s not what the first Pirates movie was. This franchise began on a creatively silly idea, but most importantly it was a creatively risky idea that they were able to make the most of given the passion they put into it. On Stranger Tides has none of that. It’s completely soulless and is clearly trying to be a groundbreaking action adventure film, but it turns out that it’s only capable of copying great action adventure films instead of actually giving us one.

To give you more of an idea of how I came to this conclusion, I think my viewing experiences between At World’s End and On Stranger Tides speaks volumes. Sure when I watched At World’s End last week with my sister we ended up getting our hands on as many rum cocktails as we could find and tearing into it with no remorse but having a good time while doing it. Although, when we watched On Stranger Tides together this week we had practically nothing to say about it during the whole viewing and we spent most of it not talking, not drinking, and fiddling around on other electronic devices. When you get down to it On Stranger Tides is ultimately the better film overall since it doesn’t have nearly as many confusing plot details or pointless filler, but (and I can’t believe I’m saying this) if I had the choice to watch On Stranger Tides again or At World’s End again I’d rather watch At World’s End. At least it would get more emotions out of me than this Blackbeard snore-fest.

As far as my rating is concerned, I think this film has earned itself 2/5 sleeping pirates. If I’m feeling generous I think I can bump it up to 2.5/5 because I stand by what I said about overall this film being better than At World’s End. The only thing that splits it for me is that I personally think that a boring snore is worse than an explosion of horrible. At least the explosion of horrible went all out.

Other Pirates Reviews

Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales

(I make no claim of ownership for any of the images used in this post)

(Each of them are owned entirely by their respective copyright holders, which are not me)

(I’m just a humble blogger who talks about movies, I do not make them)

(Yet)

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End

Disclaimer:

The movie I’ll be reviewing this week is rated: PG-13.

Be advised that there will be some gruesome images included in this review.

Before I start my usual film introduction, I’d like to thank you for joining me for 25 reviews already! It seems like only yesterday I just started this blog and yet here I am half a year later working on my second 5 film franchise. Throughout everything: the high ratings, the low ratings, the mid ratings, I’d say it’s been fun and I intend to keep going as long as you’ll have me. Thank you so much and let’s get into…this crap.

So it’s come to this, has it? Well, I’m not looking forward to this one. The funny thing is that if the last movie had the problem of too many pointless moments, this movie has the problem of just not having a point at all. Despite having a clear goal in going back to rescue Jack from Davy Jones’ locker, there’s pretty much no other reason for this movie to exist. It’s also the longest film of the series which makes it the most painful to sit through at 2 hours and 50 minutes with plot threads that make no sense, more boring characters, and hours of talking! Yeah, part of what makes this film so difficult to sit through is that most of its runtime consists of the characters just standing around yapping and not doing anything. I guess if you suffer from insomnia, this might be the treatment for you. At the time this movie came out there was at least the comforting thought that this was the last film in the franchise since they had been consistently marketed as a trilogy, but they ended up making 2 more movies anyway because they hate me.

Practically everyone agrees that this is easily the worst of the Pirates films and I’m inclined to agree with them so I kinda just want to fill this intro with as many words as possible so I can prolong having to review it. Moses supposes his toeses are roses, but Moses supposes erroneously. For Moses he knowses his toeses aren’t roses as Moses supposes his toeses to be. Okay fine! I’m sure you probably want to hear my take on this film which is probably clear from my disinterest in covering it, but I suppose my toes are ro- sorry.

Let’s see why we can’t have good Pirates sequels with Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End.

---

Ah, the Disney logo. Surely we’re in for an enchanting time.

Well that took a turn.

This is the first shot! Rewatching this movie after so many years I completely forgot how tonally inconsistent this film is with the rest of the franchise. Yeah, so apparently Lord Cutler Beckett (played again by Tom Hollander) has taken it upon himself to hang any person convicted of piracy, any person assisting a person convicted of piracy, and any person associated with a person convicted of piracy. When I say ‘any person’ I mean any person.

Good Lord, movie! You haven’t even bought me dinner yet!

Yeah, so this is markedly different from many of the other moments from the previous films.

Why’s the rum gone?!

I got a jar of dirt!

I got a jar of dirt!

And guess what’s inside it!

Now, I will say that I’d be more willing to get behind this if (a) Cutler Beckett was a more interesting, devilish, conniving, and/or ‘love-to-hate’ type of villain or (b) this is what the movies were intending to build up to from the very beginning. Concerning (a), Cutler Beckett is just boring. At no point in the previous film did he ever capture my interest outside of how brazenly obvious it was that the writers needed a villain for the movie. Besides that, there’s nothing that makes him stand out as unique and I highly doubt you’d want to watch a movie with him as the main villain. With that being said, it’s going to be a long movie for both of us.

For (b), it’s almost insultingly obvious how these movies are just being made up as they go along. At no point was anyone ever planning for the Pirates films to go in this direction because there was never meant to be more than 1 Pirates film. These people think that their audience won’t realize that they’re just doing whatever the heck they want so they can squeeze money out of them. This kinda worked domestically with Disney barely turning a profit on a budget of $300 million, but internationally is where the big bucks came in with over $960 million in ticket sales and most of the money that came out of domestic ticket sales was due to the fact they scheduled opening weekend for Memorial Day weekend in 2007. People caught on quickly to Disney’s shenanigans after opening weekend though with a precipitous drop in ticket sales the following week, so don’t think your audience is stupid Disney, they know crap when they see it!

…most of the time…

So the convicted pirates, assistants, and associates start singing a song that I honestly kinda like. While I think it’s even more melodramatic than the Davy Jones stuff from the last movie I do at least find the melody sticking with me after I’m done watching which is more than can be said about any of the confusing plot details in this movie. Don’t worry, we’ll get to it.

Lord Beckett, they’ve started to sing, sir.

Finally.

Major Grinch energy.

With our obligatory child neck break scene out of the way we naturally have our title card and then cut to Singapore. Okay, I will give this movie a slight bit of credit that Singapore has been mentioned twice in the previous movies.

Clearly you’ve never been to Singapore.

Singapore, that’s what I heard. Drunk with a smile on his face. Sure as the tide, Jack Sparrow turn up in Singapore.

However, those movies mostly presented Singapore as some kind of vacation spot or place that our characters (Jack specifically) may have been to a long time ago. The main issue I have with this is that the majority of the first act hinges on what the characters do in Singapore. Not only is it visually, tonally, and culturally jarring from any of the previous locations of the films which of course took place in the Caribbean considering the name of the friggin’ franchise is Pirates of the Caribbean, but it doesn’t make any logical sense either. If you’ve ever looked at a map of the world, you may have noticed that the Caribbean Sea is over here.

And Singapore is all the way over here!

So AT BEST if you want to make a journey like that, you’d have to take a path kind of like this one by sea because this movie takes place before any of the world’s major canals were constructed!

While I’m not saying a journey like this in a time period like this isn’t possible, I’m mostly saying that a journey like this has enough content to fill a complete other movie on it’s own! How did the former crew of the Black Pearl manage to Magellan themselves across the world to Singapore?! I’d really like to know that detail! Also, why couldn’t whatever it is they were looking for have been back in the Caribbean anyway as to keep the story more focused? They literally ended the last movie without a ship to sail on, so how did they manage to get 2/3rds of the way around the world without a ship? The reason I know this is because Barbossa (played again by Geoffrey Rush) asks captain Sao Feng (played by Chow Yun-Fat) for a ship and a crew when they go to meet with him, so this just doesn’t make any SENSE!!!!!! We’re barely 5 minutes into this movie and I already can’t follow it! Please someone give me strength…

NOT YOU!

Speaking of strength, this movie already takes an odd turn with Elizabeth’s character (played for the third time by Keira Knightley). Before she wasn’t anything especially outstanding as far as self-defense was concerned. She had her quick wits and negotiating skills to get her out of tight spots in the first film and it wasn’t until the second film that she learned to sword fight from Will in-between movies, but now they act like she’s always been this Lara Croft / Elektra / Catwoman character out of literally nowhere. I know they’re trying to make it look more believable for when she eventually becomes Pirate Queen later in the movie, but if you have to change her character this drastically in order to make that work then the problem isn’t her character it’s the Pirate Queen choice. She eventually meets up with Barbossa so they can meet with captain Sao Feng like I mentioned earlier after this weird moment:

(singing) Heave-ho -

THIEF. AND BEGGAR. NEVER SHALL WE DIE.

Okay, dude! Jeez, you haven’t even bought me dinner yet!

As it turns out it already feels like the movie is punishing us for missing scenes that aren’t in the movie when the rest of the Black Pearl crew including Gibbs (played a third time by Kevin McNally), Pintel (played yet again by Lee Arenberg), and Ragetti (played once again by Mackenzie Crook) submerge themselves in the river and break into a sewer system in order to secretly assist Elizabeth and Barbossa in their mission. Whatever that is. Yeah, I have no idea what’s happening, and funny enough the more the movie explains the less I understand.

The navigational charts. The route to the Farthest Gate.

What?

The song has been sung.

Why are you saying ‘the song’ as if we should know what that is?

We must convene the Brethren Court.

Oh right, that thing that was so paramount to everything that’s happened in the series up until now! Wait, no it wasn’t. Huh?

[BARBOSSA] As one of the Nine Pirate Lords…

Oh, there are Pirate Lords now?

Elizabeth Swann, there’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?

What’s that supposed to mean?

Jack Sparrow holds one of the Nine Pieces of Eight.

Okay, that’s just dumb. If there’s nine of them, why don’t you call them Pieces of Nine?

He failed to pass it along to a successor before he died.

Good Lord, can something happen already?!

Eh, that’ll do.

Weirdly this action sequence involves more gun-play than sword fighting. If someone uses a sword in this scene it’s usually to slash someone or stab someone real quick before moving on to the next person. Maybe it’s because the movie knows we’re tired of them talking about crap we don’t care about and just want to see stuff move along, but it’s also a bit distracting. Sure other films have heightened and fast-paced action like in Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, but the shots also allow you to absorb what’s happening in real time and hold long enough on the action to make you feel as if you’re really there experiencing it yourself. Not only are our leads in this film able to take out expendable pirates with one sword slash or stab, but the camera hardly ever holds on anything for longer than a few seconds before cutting away to something else. It’s hard to get engrossed in something when the filmmakers don’t give you enough time to get engrossed in it. Then we also get a brief moment from Tia Dalma (played again by Naomie Harris) giving us what I can only assume is a half-assed ride reference.

That’s not how humans move, that’s how animatronics move.

Don’t worry though, the movie knows what we want.

It’s an odd coincidence, isn’t it? The East India Trading Company finds me the day you show up in Singapore.

MORE TALKING!!!

Eventually the movie decides we’ve had enough and we wrap up this action scene after Will (played again by Orlando Bloom) strikes a deal with Sao Feng to get a ship and a crew. Also, is it just me or does Tia seem…different?

I cannot say. There’s an evil on these seas that even the most staunch and bloodthirsty pirates have come to fear.

Yeah, she seems so much more serious and uptight than she was in the last movie. If I’m being honest, after watching Dead Man’s Chest I had hopes that if there were any characters that could help save this movie’s material it would be Barbossa, Jack, Davy Jones, and her. If you remember from the last movie, Tia had a pretty strong opening with a lot of personality. She was smiling evilly at Jack walking into her hut, flirted with Will, seemed to have an interest in the occult and macabre, and generally had an air of fun about her. Now she’s just another Norrington. That’s genuinely tragic because another thing that they do in this movie to get to Davy Jones’ locker is getting these navigational charts which just drags things out. It would’ve been much more fun if Tia Dalma already knew how to get to Davy Jones’ locker and they had to decipher her cryptic messages, magic spells, and thick accent to get to where they needed to go, because in terms of the story, why doesn’t she know how to get there? She’s literally Calypso, the Goddess that gave Davy Jones his power to begin with, so that’s just stupid! Also it doesn’t bode well for my ability to make it through the rest of this with my sanity intact. Just so we’re clear too, we’re now only 20 minutes into this 2 hour and 50 minute movie. If you have any alcohol and are of age, I suggest you drink it now.

Why’s the rum gone?!

You know why.

We have a brief moment of the Flying Dutchman destroying random ships to an overly dramatic version of Davy Jones’ theme. You know, it’s hard to get invested in these kinds of moments when we have no connection to what’s going on! Then we have another scene with Beckett, Mercer (played again by David Schofield), and Norrington (played a third time by Jack Davenport) but who cares? Back with the characters we care about, we find out they’re really cold. Fantastic. Also, what does it say about your movie when the best part is this:

I think I can put it back in!

Even then, who wants more talking?!

Happens on rare occasion. The last glimpse of sunset a green flash shoots up into the sky.

It signals when a soul comes back to this world from the dead.

If I wasn’t already so tired of dialogue at this point I might find this line kinda neat:

It’s not gettin’ to the Land of the Dead that’s the problem. It’s gettin’ back.

That’s the first, and I’m going to assume only, thing that makes sense in this movie.

Beckett and Mercer remind us they exist and Davy Jones is having an emotional moment at his organ when Beckett decides to threaten Jones with the prospect of death by premature heart blowy-uppy-itis. I think I figured out another reason why I can’t take Cutler Beckett seriously, because he acts less like a main villain and more like a side villain. I’m not acting like he’d even be a good side villain, but at the very least as a side villain he’d be given a lot less focus than he already is as a main one and we would have a lot less of his nasally Draco Malfoy meets Veruca Salt acting.

Oh I’m sorry to hear that, because I will.

Because it seems to be the only way to ensure that this ship do as directed by the company.

And its captain is to sail it as commanded.

The immaterial has become…immaterial.

What does that even mean? If something’s immaterial then it doesn’t need to become immaterial because it’s already immaterial!

That and I’m just gonna be straight up: with Beckett pulling all the strings at this point it makes Davy Jones a way less fun villain. The good thing about Dead Man’s Chest was that Davy Jones had enough staying power to last on his own without support from another villain, and now that he’s being controlled by Napoleon Nigel Farage Bonaparte it takes all the badass points Davy Jones earned in the previous movie away. What’s there even to like about him anymore? I will give him some points for having a surprisingly interesting romance with Calypso that I wish the movie explored more with, but outside of that there isn’t much else.

Meanwhile with our main characters they’ve managed to get themselves completely lost. Give them some credit though, they need to be lost in order to find a place that can’t be found. Then they approach a waterfall. I think it’s supposed to be ‘the edge of the world’ or something, but it’s not well explained like most other things in the movie. Will and Elizabeth are not happy with this at all.

You’ve doomed us all!

Well, yeah. In order to get to the Land of the Dead, wouldn’t you have to die yourself? How did you not see this coming?

Don’t be so unkind. You may not survive to pass this way again, and these be the last friendly words that you’ll hear.

Why does no one talk normally in this?!

So they go over the edge of the waterfall and they celebrate the death of every character on that ship with random audio from the ride. Yeah, it comes out of absolutely nowhere and is gone just as quickly! Look, in the previous films there was at least some rhyme and reason to the ride references that appeared. There were at least 3 in the first movie (maybe a fourth or a fifth I missed) and while they didn’t always tie into the story, they were still obvious enough to point out when you saw them and helped act as a kind of ‘source material seal of approval’ for the movie. In the second movie there was definitely 1 if not 2 and with fewer of them than the first one it helped indicate that this film was more of a divergence from the original source material than the first one. With this however, it’s just lazy. At the very least it does help us realize how far from the original source material we’ve come, but what are we even supposed to do with this? And why was it in this specific spot of all places? Is this what the movie is implying you’re supposed to hear when you pass from the land of the living to the plane of the dead? Dialogue from Disney’s Pirates of the Caribbean amusement park ride?

It’s here that we’re given the most…surreal…Jack intro of the movies thus far.

What?!

Don’t worry, it gets better.

Excuse me?!

I guess you could assume that since Jack (played a third time by Johnny Depp) is in Davy Jones’ locker, this is supposed to be a punishment of sorts like Tia described before. Either that or Jack is just imagining other versions of himself crewing the Black Pearl to keep himself company with…himself. Sure if you decided to take that shot of rum I suggested earlier this might be funny, but even then it still goes on for way longer than it needs to. Naturally it ends with Jack being rescued by everyone else from before, but there’s so much dull weirdness that precedes it that doesn’t need to. Legit the movie holds you hostage here for a little bit.

[clucking]

I have no sympathy for any of you feculent maggots and no more patience to pretend otherwise.

Gentlemen, I wash my hands of this weirdness.

Despite Jack saying that, this scene happens to go on for another 4 minutes! I think we get the point, movie! What else is there for you to show us, the environment walking away?!

Note to self: don’t give them ideas.

Alright, so we can finally get the story back on track! Wait, it was never on track to begin with. You know what, whether the film stayed in Davy Jones’ locker or not I’d still have to put up with hours of crap so I lose either way. [heavy sigh] Let’s just get this over with. So the reunion with the rest of the crew is also pretty drawn out, but it at least has this line in it.

Isla de Muerta, remember? You shot me.

No I didn’t.

You know, in the good movie?

Haven’t the foggiest.

Neither do the writers, clearly.

Also, Elizabeth never told Will that she killed Jack! Scandalous! Wait, why would Will care? Not only in the last movie did he go out of his way to try and kill Jack on one occasion, he also thought that Elizabeth was cheating on him with Jack so wouldn’t the fact that she killed him actually clear all this drama up? Nope, because now we have to have a pointless rift between them for subplot purposes! In case you didn’t get the message: NOBODY CARES! I surprisingly have more of an investment in Davy Jones and Calypso’s relationship because it actually goes through peaks, valleys, and complexities despite having much less screen time than Will and Elizabeth’s relationship. Also, given the first film, why haven’t they gotten married at this point?

The last movie forced their marriage to get broken up by Beckett for plot purposes because they were forced to make a movie that didn’t need to be made, but at what point have Will and Elizabeth ever expressed the idea that they didn’t love each other? Even when there were moments of tension in their relationship (as poorly crafted as they were) they never lasted for longer than a scene at best. That and it just feeds into the ‘Will They/Won’t They” cliché the movie thinks is adding layers to the script but is really just dragging things out. This relationship was never interesting to begin with so what makes you think we’ll be interested now?

We’re doing this now?

They should be in the care of Davy Jones.

Come on girl, lighten up!

So as it turns out, these souls can’t cross over to the other side since Davy Jones is under the control of the East India Trading Company now. There’s nowhere else for them to go so they just roam these waters aimlessly. What is with the tone of this film?

Wait, there’s boats now? How are you not following the rules you just established literally 45 seconds ago?!

In the process they come across Elizabeth’s father Governor Swann (played a third time by Jonathan Pryce) and despite not being in this movie for very long he’s trying a lot harder than he has to. Just based on his acting alone I really believe that he’s lost between worlds. Elizabeth of course tries to save him which doesn’t work and she breaks down. Boo-hoo. The next day they manage to make it back to the land of the living with Jack’s help by flipping the ship upside down. Wait a minute, didn’t Barbossa say earlier that it’s harder to get to the land of the living than it is to get to the plane of the dead?! That seemed to be surprisingly easy to do for something that’s not supposed to be easy! Even the movie takes a second to buffer on that one.

[laughter]

Alright then!

What do I even say to that?

So after rowing ashore they happen to come across the washed up corpse of the Kraken. Is the movie seriously trying to make me feel for the Kraken? The same thing that killed one of the leads in the last movie? No, movie. No. So they take a hike through the jungle until eventually they come across an ambush. An ambush by Sao Feng and his crew. As it turns out, Will double crossed the crew by making a deal with Sao Feng earlier so he could get the Black Pearl for himself to save his father. It ends up falling through though, because Sao Feng ends up double crossing Will and taking the Black Pearl himself. This results in another double cross when Mercer reappears and takes the Black Pearl again betraying the deal he made with Sao Feng. What just happened right there I think is a perfect summary of this movie. Also, Jack brings up a good point.

Did no one come to save me just because they missed me?

I mean yeah, weren’t these the same people who were crying over him at the end of the last movie? Granted Barbossa wasn’t a part of that, but everyone else was in tears at his loss and made a vow to go and save him by any means necessary because they cared so much about him. Sure it didn’t make sense for every character’s motivation, but at least it seemed like it was going somewhere. Another thing I think this and other Pirates sequels do is refuse to pick a direction. There seem to be so many ideas clashing in writing sessions happening on-screen in real time that everyone eventually just came to the conclusion that they’re going to grab their cameras and film whatever they have that wasn’t covered in countless sticky notes. Think about it this way too: what else is there left to do? They have Jack which was their entire motivation, so what now?

Let me give you the run-down as well. At this point in the movie we’ve broken a child’s neck, sailed to Singapore without having a means of actually sailing there, secured the navigational charts, secured a ship and a crew, had Beckett and Norrington exposition, pulled off a frost-bitten big toe, killed Elizabeth’s father, shown more of Davy Jones’ and Calypso’s relationship status, gotten some more basic birch Beckett acting, sailed off a waterfall, questioned our sanity in Davy Jones’ locker, rescued Jack, created a schism between Will and Elizabeth, got lost among a sea of souls, flipped the ship over, made it back to the land of the living, killed the Kraken, got captured by Sao Feng, had the Black Pearl change hands 5 times,

AND

WE’RE

NOT

EVEN

AT

THE

HALFWAY

POINT!

We’re only 1 hour and 5 minutes into this 2 hour and 50 minute movie and I’m practically at my wit’s end! I think that was the working title for this movie: Pirates of the Caribbean: At Wit’s End. Gone With the Wind felt shorter than this movie!!! So now that we’ve established that the plot has nowhere to go from here, what do we do now?

Oh right, I forgot the golden rule of Pirates sequels: When in doubt, capture Jack.

That and we forgot to include several more minutes of yakking…

And if Davy Jones were to learn of your survival?

and yakking…

You agreed the Black Pearl was to be mine.

and yakking…

Perhaps you’ll consider an alternative arrangement. One which requires absolutely nothing from you but information.

and yakking…

Lord Beckett’s not going to give up the only ship as can outrun the Dutchman, is he?

and yakking.

There is no honor to remaining with the losing side. Leaving it for the winning side, that’s just good business.

Don’t worry, I speak Badmoviese. Very basically what the movie is trying to say is that Beckett wants to use Jack to find the hideout of the Pirate Lords, Sao Feng wants to abandon the Pirate Lords since he thinks they’re a liability, Barbossa convinces Sao Feng that the Pirate Lords are still strong with Calypso on their side, and Sao Feng ends up bartering for custody of Calypso. See how easy that was, movie?! For some reason though, Sao Feng confuses Calypso for Elizabeth. Why? What made him think that Elizabeth was Calypso? He knows Tia is literally standing right next to her, right? Well whatever. The movie stopped caring ages ago so why should I? Jack escapes back onto the Black Pearl, he throws Will in the brig (where he’ll hopefully die), and Jones follows Sao Feng while Beckett follows the Pearl.

The Dutchman eventually catches up with Sao Feng’s ship and starts trying to destroy it with cannonballs. In a totally unbelievable coincidence, Sao Feng gets hit with a cannonball and is impaled on a large piece of splintered wood. Just before he dies though he gives his Piece of Eight to Elizabeth and proclaims her captain. Aren’t there several other able-bodied sailors who could fit that role much better?

Remember me for my facial scar and weird hand movements.

As it turns out, Elizabeth isn’t exactly ready to be a captain since she gets captured by Davy Jones’ crew and Admiral Norrington soon after being named captain, but refuses to stay in Norrington’s cabin out of a misplaced sense of superiority. Yeah, this is their half-baked attempt at trying to give Norrington a sort of redemption arc, but it ends up falling flat for 2 reasons. First, as I’ve already said several times in reviewing these movies: Norrington is boring. He’s never been a fully fleshed-out character and trying to give him layers in the past already didn’t work. If we as the audience had been invested in his character from the beginning in the sense that he was consistently torn between his duty as a Naval officer and the life of a pirate then that would’ve made him more interesting and this final ‘epic’ moment of his character would hit a lot harder, but since we aren’t, it’s just more side crap. In the first movie he wanted to marry Elizabeth, in the second movie he wanted his life back, and now he wants to make things right?

Second, Norrington has barely gotten any screen time in the movies up until now. Not only do we not really know him as a person, we’re never given the chance to know him since he’s only gotten a little more screen time than Governor Swann. Even when it comes to characters like Will and Elizabeth, while their characters also aren’t very well-defined, I’ve at least seen them a lot over the course of these movies and can get some form of emotional if they happen to go through something. What do they expect me to feel when I see him get stabbed and killed by a crazed Bootstrap Bill (played again by Stellan Skarsgård)? Sad? Angry? Guilty? No, I feel about as much as the cursed pirates felt in the first movie. That is to say: nothing.

Womp womp.

You know what, I’m just gonna give you the Cliff Notes version of everything that happens up until the important stuff because it’s all filler. Elizabeth finds Bootstrap Bill in the Dutchman’s brig, Will escapes from the Black Pearl’s brig and leaves breadcrumbs for Beckett to follow, Jack finds Will and throws him off the ship along with his compass, Norrington lets Elizabeth and her crew escape until he’s murdered by Bootstrap like I said, Mercer takes control of the Dutchman, Barbossa takes a pass at Tia Dalma only for her to refuse and he locks her in the brig, Beckett has a meeting with Will and Davy Jones, and only now do we finally make it to Shipwreck Cove, the meeting place of the Pirate Lords.

This is madness.

This is politics.

They of course are arguing over what should be done about Calypso when Tia Dalma also gets a visit from her lover Davy Jones in the Black Pearl’s brig. Like I said before, whenever the focus is on the romance between these two, I weirdly enjoy it. Maybe it’s because they both have the weirdest accents in the franchise so they ironically complete each other that way, but also since both Naomie Harris and Bill Nighy are dedicated actors no matter what role they’re in, they manage to make the most of whatever material they’re given which helps make it that much more believable. These two have a legitimately complex relationship that’s hard to describe yet you want to see them together. Also it’s kinda funny how when Bill Nighy is finally given the chance to show his face, he’s still covered in so much makeup that you can’t see it.

Meanwhile our beloved Pirate Lords still can’t come to an agreement on whatever should be done about Calypso and Lord Beckett until we get a blatantly obvious cameo from Keith Richards. I’ll say, despite having only 1 good line, everything else he says leaves absolutely no impact on anything. The important thing about a cameo like this isn’t just to be a cameo, but also to offer some insight on what made Jack who he is. How do I know this? Because he’s literally playing Jack’s father! Offer some kind of insight on why Jack acts the way he does or what his upbringing was like. It’s no secret that Johnny Depp based his portrayal of Jack Sparrow off of Keith Richards, so why not do more with this? At this point I think I’d actually prefer if Keith Richards was just randomly on the island of Tortuga and didn’t have any lines at all over whatever this is.

Eventually this all leads to the Pirate Lords voting on who’ll be the Pirate King of the Brethren Court which results in Elizabeth being crowned Pirate Queen courtesy of Jack. This seems promising. Also I’d like to get this off my chest real quick: how is Barbossa a Pirate Lord? In the first movie the only reason he was captain of the Black Pearl was because he mutinied against Jack, so how would he also manage to become a Pirate Lord because of that? I thought he was just going to be the guy who helps them get Jack back, so how does he also have a foothold in the Brethren Court with a Piece of Eight ready to go as well? Right, I forgot, the more I ask questions the more it shows I care. So, by order of Pirate Queen Elizabeth Swann (that still sounds so weird) the Pirate Lords and their crews prepare to face off against Lord Beckett. However, there’re quite a few more ships than they were expecting.

To improve their odds, the pirates go to negotiate with their enemies, and -

Oh my gosh, he’s adorable!

Okay, so for a movie that’s really lacking in good comedy, I would’ve loved to see Davy Jones Walk his way onto land using water buckets! This image on its own is friggin’ hilarious and I wish there was more stuff like it in the film. With Davy Jones, Lord Cutler Beckett, and Will on one side and Barbossa, Elizabeth, and Jack on the other they agree to trade Jack and Will. Great news everybody, Jack is captured again! Now that he’s in the Dutchman’s brig, we see -

Do I need to file a restraining order against you, movie?

While that’s going on the rest of the pirates release Calypso onboard the Black Pearl in a pretty cool visual.

Not bad.

She doesn’t seem to be happy because she spews all the swear words she can think of at them before bursting into a frack-ton of crabs. They fall back into the ocean, and…was that it? Kinda pathetic for a literal Goddess. As the pirates start to lose hope their new Pirate Queen tries to motivate them, and I don’t believe it for a second. I’m not saying that Elizabeth doesn’t have leadership qualities or that she doesn’t have the ability to be inspirational, but the way they do it is so ‘not Elizabeth’. Given the character you’ve established she is over the course of the past 2 movies, I don’t believe she would be the one yelling orders at her crew members. I’d sooner believe that she would approach them honestly and earnestly before screaming at the top of her lungs. Heck, that’s more or less what she did in the first movie when they tried to outrun the Black Pearl. She took charge in a way that was more from an area of cleverness and creativity and only raised her voice when she was stressed. I’m in no way bashing on Keira Knightley’s performance, she does put everything she has into this speech, it just isn’t well-directed.

HOIST THE COLORS!!!!!!!!!!!

That image alone is just so weird to look at.

Alright, so with all this buildup, an entire fleet of East India Trading Company ships including the Dutchman versus every pirate on the planet, and a giant maelstrom courtesy of Calypso, what do we do? Force 2 ships to fight. Yeah, the Black Pearl and the Dutchman dive into the maelstrom and everyone else just sits back and does nothing. Isn’t that majorly disappointing?! To be real, after literal hours of talking, exposition, and annoying character moments, actually delivering on a fight of this scale could be worth the price of admission on its own. However, they don’t do that. Instead we get two ships swirling around in the ocean’s toilet. Fantastic. Despite not being especially creative or interesting, the climax is at the very least the most fun part of the movie. That’s especially weird to say considering this is the same movie that opened with killing a child.

Sure it definitely doesn’t deliver the fight they were promising, but it does bring back some of the shenanigans that we’ve grown to love from this franchise and it’s really 1 long drawn-out action sequence. At the very least it brings energy into a movie that had none, so that’s something. Although it does bring up another problem: only now do we have our first sword fight of the movie. Yeah I know back in Singapore they slashed and stabbed people with swords, but the focus was more on guns than swords, and that’s the only other example of sword usage in the film. This is a Pirates movie, let them have sword fights! After Jack breaks out of the Dutchman’s brig, he gets cornered by Davy Jones on the main mast and they have a sword fight together. This is also pretty funny:

You can do nothing without the key!

I already have the key!

No, you don’t.

I think the movie forgot who had the key there for a second.

Also, I will give a small bit of credit that for a PG-13 film this has some of the most R-rated action I’ve seen from Disney.

Will and Elizabeth also have Barbossa marry the two of them in the middle of battle because remember: we hanged a kid at the beginning of this movie! Uh-oh, but Will gets stabbed by Davy Jones! Oh, the heartbreak! Funny thing is that Jack managed to get the key from Jones before this happened, opened the chest, and threatened to stab Jones’ heart right before Jones stabbed Will. Why didn’t he just stab the heart in the first place like he wanted to? Also hasn’t this heart been through all manner of battery and blunt-forced trauma up until now being rattled and banged around by people carrying the chest? You’d think Davy Jones would’ve felt a jostle or 2. Anyway, to save Will (because Jack wants to save Will for no discernible reason whatsoever) Jack forces Will’s hand to stab Jones’ heart resulting in Jones falling into the maelstrom and Will becoming the Dutchman’s new captain. Jack parachutes away with Elizabeth back onto the Black Pearl because they forgot to show the scene of the Pearl escaping the maelstrom and Cutler Beckett swoops in to finish the job. What, with his entire armada in tow? No, he’s just gonna take care of this himself.

Idiot!

Naturally the Dutchman bursts out from under the waves with Will as its new captain and alongside the Black Pearl they manage to take down Beckett’s ship. Also, this is way too cool a death for Beckett. For this movie and the last one he’s been nothing but forgettable, bland, and annoying but not in a fun way, yet for some reason they treat it like we’re taking down the Dark Lord Sauron himself. His kingdom crumbles around him, he whimpers at his fall from grace, his minions abandon him, he walks dramatically through the remains of his empire, and his body lands on a floating EITC (East India Trading Company) flag. Wow, you really thought he was going to make the classic Disney villain lineup, didn’t you? Unfortunately I already forgot his name. Rest in obscurity, dude.

So the rest of the armada decides that there’s nothing they can do about this and leave all the pirates be.

Yay, we did nothing!

So we have a denouement with Will and Elizabeth banging on the beach before Will leaves to be cursed at sea. Wait, why doesn’t Elizabeth keep being a pirate? They literally made her the Pirate Queen, so why can’t she see Will anymore? She could sail on her own ship, keep Will’s heart chest on that ship at all times, and even deliver items and whatnot to Will at sea while still looking after their son. This movie takes every opportunity it can to not make sense. Not only this, but we also have a scene with Jack being left behind by the rest of his crew again with nothing but a dinghy. At least they gave him that much this time. Back on the Pearl, Barbossa teases the next movie by presenting the idea of the Fountain of Youth, but Jack stole the map for it. Yep, that means we’re free to exploit sequels even more! YAY!!! As such, Jack sets out on his dinghy to find the Fountain of Youth and I think it is a little fun that these 3 movies create a sort of cycle for Jack’s character by ending in the exact same place Jack started at the beginning of Curse of the Black Pearl. Also seeing Jack row away on his dinghy is kinda cute, but that’s unfortunately as likable as this movie gets. This was rough to get through.

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Okay…pros? Well, I guess there are some cool effects here and there, Davy Jones and Calypso’s relationship is surprisingly engaging, the music is still good, and the climax (while not delivering what it promised) does still have energy to it. The cons though…are massive. The writing is ABSOLUTELY out of control, the characters are as interesting as cardboard, any cool ideas presented in the previous 2 movies are almost entirely abandoned, the tone is all over the place, and the characters won’t shut up! There’s way too much explaining in this movie which ends up amounting to hardly anything and even the rules that are explained can be changed as quickly as 1 minute later. It’s painfully obvious how little these movies were planned out since trying to follow anything in this script is like trying to follow a polar bear in a blizzard.

To think that we started this franchise with a promising film such as Curse of the Black Pearl only to see it go to impressive lows like this is genuinely surprising. At the same time, I can’t say it wasn’t foreseeable though. For any sort of film that works well on its own, stretching it into a duology or trilogy or saga that it was never meant to be never works out well no matter how much money you think you can make off of it. Out of any company on the planet, you’d think Disney would be painfully aware of this at this point, but clearly they aren’t as this franchise still isn’t over yet. Despite the fact this film was intended to end the Pirates trilogy at the time, considering it was literally called a trilogy, Disney Disney’d its way into another 2 sequels that the franchise didn’t need resulting in two mostly forgettable films that I’ll take a look at in due time. Nothing will ever erase the bad taste this film left in my mouth however, and for your time, I’d recommend not wasting it on these really bad eggs.

I feel inclined to give this film a 1/5 Pirates of the Caribbean rides. Given the tone I’ve had since the beginning of this review, I’m sure you assumed that the rating of this movie was going to be low, but there are still some (if not few) good things in this movie. There are still movies out there that have no redeeming qualities, and I will be fair and say that this movie isn’t one of them. However, there are certainly not enough for me to consider rewatching this ass-numbingly long train wreck again though.

Other Pirates Reviews

Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales

(I make no claim of ownership for any of the images used in this post)

(Each of them are owned entirely by their respective copyright holders, which are not me)

(I’m just a humble blogger who talks about movies, I do not make them)

(Yet)

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest

Disclaimer:

The film I’ll be reviewing today is rated: PG-13.

Be warned there are some gruesome images included in this review.

So as it were, despite the fact the first Pirates film was intended to be a one-off, with the onslaught of praise and admiration it got Disney decided to throw a bunch of money at it and turn this blossoming franchise into a trilogy with the next two films shot back to back. Unless you’re Lord of the Rings I don’t have a whole lot of faith in that. I will give this first sequel a bit of credit that it does have some fun moments and humor reminiscent of the first film, but the plot is still very bloated and hard to follow a lot of the time. The writers even end up retconning some of the charm that was present in the original film for the sake of turning this series into something way more complicated than it needs to be.

What’s kind of frustrating about this whole idea as well is that a movie like this could’ve worked a lot better if they kept the focus more on Jack and his crew getting into all manner of danger and hijinks on increasingly wacky yet dark and twisted adventures. Instead they bring back characters and plot threads that were equally pointless in the previous film for the sake of creating continuity between them. Even with all of these things considered, when I was younger I really enjoyed the film. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen it, much like the previous one, and I’m curious to see how much my stance has changed on it. In case y’all didn’t know I prefer to write these introductions before I watch the movie again to give you a better sense of how my thoughts develop over time, so without any more beating around the bush let’s dive right in.

Look out for that Kraken because we’re off to settle our debt with Davy Jones in Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest!

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One thing that’s kinda funny is how they start the film by showing the Jerry Bruckheimer logo without confirming it’s the Jerry Bruckheimer logo as if they expect everyone to just know what that is. Even the Disney logo still confirms its the Disney logo and they’re definitely a company that’s more capable of getting away with that!

Ah, of course! The first thing that comes to mind when I think of pirates is 18th century English tea sets. Why did you show that?!

Oh…it’s you…

Yeah no kidding, now these two are back for no reason! Their story is already over and they were the least interesting part of the last movie so this already doesn’t bode well for the rest of the film at all. It doesn’t get any better when they introduce proto-Norrington called Lord Cutler Beckett (played by Tom Hollander) who has both Will and Elizabeth (pointlessly played by Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley again) arrested for helping Jack escape at the end of the last movie. Considering how pretty boring and one-noted Norrington was in the last movie, Beckett is essentially a puff of smoke in comparison. He has absolutely no substance to him and is completely boring to watch unless you’re high as a kite.

Also look at that face. Isn’t it easy to see Dr. Doom from the Fantastic Four films giving a similar smirk?

After mentioning Jack Sparrow -

Captain Jack Sparrow.

Okay fine! After mentioning Captain Jack Sparrow they cut to a shot of Gibbs (played again by Kevin McNally) on the Black Pearl drinking rum by himself only to immediately cut away from him and show us even more fun things like -

Well I’m in the Pirates mood…

Either way, despite this front-loaded opening we do get another pretty good Jack intro.

Jack’s always on set wherever he goes.

He paddles his way back to the Black Pearl with the help of his coffin-mate and seems to be acting a bit odder than most would expect. Jack (played again by Johnny Depp) presents the crew with a piece of cloth depicting a weird-looking key and he’s very vague on what exactly it is he wants to look for (if he’s looking for the key itself or whatever the key unlocks or whatever is inside whatever the key unlocks) in an awkwardly comedic moment. Sure in the first film Jack had a weird way of speaking that tended to confuse a lot of people, but here it just feels forced and random. The crew eventually concludes that Jack is worried about something, but I don’t think it justifies the sloppily written humor we just heard. Eventually the crew ends up setting off on their shaky adventure without even fully understanding where they’re going and we cut back to Will with Beckett. Because that’s what I want to see right now.

What gets me the most about this is how everything they say can pretty much be summed up in 5 words:

Get me Jack’s compass.

Alright.

Instead it takes them a solid 2 minutes to get to the point. 2 minutes may not sound like a lot, but when it’s just boring plot exposition from 2 very boring characters, it feels so much longer. We’ll get to the whole thing about Jack’s compass a bit later when they reveal more about it, but in the meantime add it to the list of retcons this movie gives us. Eventually we cut back to the characters we care about with Jack trying to figure out where he wants to go until he realizes he doesn’t have rum. On his way to get some we’re introduced to a…familiar face?

Bootstrap…Bill Turner?

Yes, the same person everyone said looked just like Will from the last movie.

I swear you look just like him.

It’s the spittin’ image of our Bootstrap Bill; come back to ‘aunt us!

I’ll give the movie some credit that you could argue Bootstrap (played by Stellan Skarsgård) does look like Will but his face is just covered in crap and his body has somewhat decomposed already. Where I won’t give the next movie credit is how when he returns to normal he still doesn’t look like Will! Like I said before though, add it to the list.

Bootstrap tells Jack that Davy Jones sent him to warn him of the debt Jack still has to pay. As it turns out, Jack got the Black Pearl by making a deal with Davy Jones in the past to raise it from the bottom of the ocean so he could be its captain for 13 years. Those 13 years are just about up and since Jack seems unreceptive to Bootstrap’s warnings, Bootstrap adorns Jack with the Black Spot which causes the Kraken (controlled by Davy Jones) to be drawn to any person who has it. Yeah, they really could’ve just cut all this out.

I’m not saying I’m against this idea, what I’m saying is that the movie barely makes any sense of it. The Black Spot is supposed to draw the Kraken to anyone who has it, but it’s very fickle and inconsistent in its rules. At one point the Kraken is drawn to Jack’s hat of all things, at another point Davy Jones uses the Kraken to attack another ship entirely which doesn’t even have Jack on it, at the end of the movie the Kraken goes after the Black Pearl but seems completely uninterested in Jack and even then Davy Jones had to awaken the Kraken himself instead of it just going after Jack on its own like you would expect. Why is this so complicated? If you cut out the Black Spot you wouldn’t miss anything, it’s just making everything harder to follow, so I’m going to move on.

Will goes to find Jack so he can get his compass (there’s a scene before this with Will going to see Elizabeth in jail but I don’t care) when he eventually finds the Black Pearl washed up on the shore of a seemingly deserted island.

Despite the problems so far, that is a pretty impressive set piece.

When he doesn’t find what he’s looking for, Will goes into the jungle where he comes into contact with the native Pelegostos tribes people of the island. As you can see, he handles them super well.

Come on! Who wants it?! I can do this all day!

This is why you’re no one’s favorite character, Will.

As it turns out, this whole sequence on the island with the cannibalistic Pelegostos people is pretty pointless in the grand scheme of things. Honestly the movie could’ve just cut to Will finding Jack at sea and kept the script more focused that way, but at the same time, this sequence on the island is one of the most legitimately fun moments in the movie. This is what makes me think: What if the movie started here? Instead of having all this crappy exposition for 20 minutes we could’ve been reintroduced to the characters we know through this funny sequence filled with clever slapstick, visual intrigue, and creative action to get our blood pumping in the theatre. The way I see it the movie should’ve started with Will asking around about Jack until he makes his way to the island because at first we wouldn’t know it was Will asking around until one of the Tortuga girls slaps him in a funny reveal. Will would then make his way to the island where there’s plenty of creepy buildup to the reveal of the Pelegostos tribe being cannibals until Will is captured and we see Jack like this:

While the Jack intro earlier was also good, this one is just as attention getting if not more so.

Also, doesn’t looking at this image just spark the question “Jack, what’d you do this time?”

Not only that, but as the movie currently plays out it’s actually more confusing this way. How did Jack and his crew go from out at sea to captured by the Pelegostos in about 7 minutes of them being off screen? If this was where the movie started, it would make much more sense since you could reasonably assume that all of this just happened in-between movies which gives the audience much more of an opportunity to fill in the blanks themselves. That and Will just repeats exposition we’ve already heard (twice!) anyway, so it would hit a lot harder if this was the opening. This sequence also has some good dark jokes and visual gags.

Eunuchy…snip, snip.

Aww…eunuchy…

They said that like they were really looking forward to eating that part of him!

That and you can see some of the tribes people are wearing items I can only assume they got from their previous meals.

Where’s the rest of the crew?

These cages we’re in…weren’t built ‘til after we got here.

I’d love to show you more of this humor but there’s literally too much of it to cover in this review, you’ll just have to watch the movie yourself if you want to see it. Eventually Will leads the crew in just as wacky of an escape as you’d expect while Jack ends up saving himself and they make their way back to the Black Pearl. At one point during this sequence they cut to Elizabeth escaping from jail with the help of her father which would’ve been more surprising if the movie started at the Pelegostos’ island. That and this Mercer guy (played by David Schofield) isn’t in the movie for very long, but he tries his best to be a big villain.

Evening Guv’nor. Shame, eh?

However, that is one of the major problems with this movie: the fact that they feel the need to show us literally everything that happens whether it’s necessary or not. As a result, there’s a lot of padding in this movie and scenes that could’ve been cut making the film a lot shorter and easier to digest. I will admit that even with the first film’s longer running time there were still plenty of fun moments to balance out the slower moments that made it much easier to sit through, but that’s not here. Here it feels like forever before crap actually starts happening and it’s a long way until you can officially get to it. There are a few moments here and there that kinda make up for it, but for the most part it’s just boring. For instance, Elizabeth makes her way to Beckett’s quarters and threatens him to give her the full pardon court documents he prepared earlier while also repeating the same exposition for the fourth friggin’ time! How ADHD is this movie that it feels the need to repeat stuff 4 times in the span of less than half an hour?! Not only are they repeating plot threads that we’ve already heard several times at this point, Beckett is just not a good antagonist as I said before. While it’s kind of a fun image seeing Elizabeth take charge and hold a gun to Beckett’s head, Beckett himself is so forgettable.

Elizabeth escapes and we even see her stowaway on a merchant ship, because we’ve established this movie just likes to show stuff for no reason, and Jack, Will, and the rest of the crew set out to find the same key Jack mentioned earlier. First things first though, Jack needs to visit…her.

Her?

Yeah, you know, this person we’ve only just been introduced to:

This is Tia Dalma (played by Naomie Harris) and while she’s also not in the movie very long, I think she makes more of an impression than Elizabeth, Will, Norrington, and Beckett combined (Granted Elizabeth is the one pulling all the weight in this lineup). Tia Dalma has a clearly defined personality as she seems sly, untrustworthy, wicked, and fun all at the same time. She even starts flirting with Will for a second until Jack interrupts which is kinda funny. Either way, the reason they’re here is because Jack needs info on where to get the key and Tia has just the info he needs. I should also point out that this scene is different from most other scenes in this movie since it’s the only scene where the writing is doing two things at the same time. Namely because Tia talks about how Davy Jones fell in love with a woman, cut out his heart, and locked it in a chest for her only for us to find out in the next movie that Tia is the one he fell in love with. Most of the other exposition in this movie is just ‘this is this’, ‘go do this’, and ‘macguffin is this’, there aren’t really any layers to it which is part of what makes this movie so boring to sit through. The important thing to take away from this scene however is that Davy Jones carries the key with him at all times. That and a jar of dirt.

Dirt…this is a jar of dirt.

To the movie’s (little) credit though, it does start to get cool when Tia sends them off to find the Flying Dutchman which is the ship Davy Jones is said to captain and Jack sends in Will to find the key for him. How did you think this was going to be a slip-in slip-out situation, Will? Right on cue, the Flying Dutchman bursts out from under the waves and everything about it is absolutely awesome!

Heck yeah!

They can pop out of places like that? Dope!

Down on your marrowbones and pray!

Okay, that guy’s kinda weird, but they can’t all be winners.

After Will goes out like a wimp again (seriously dude, I thought you were supposed to be good at this!) we finally get the reveal of Davy Jones himself, and I have to warn you: he’s the best part of the movie.

Do you fear death?

The effects on Davy Jones (played by Bill Nighy) are legit impressive and really hold up. At the same time it’s not perfect, I still think Gollum was a better effect than Jones, but I will give credit for good CG effects when I see them because they do exist. I’d also like to take a second to talk a bit about the legend of Davy Jones in history. When I was getting ready to do this review I was really curious about how Davy Jones came to be a part of nautical folklore to begin with, and I was surprised to find out that even most historians don’t have a legitimate answer to that question. There are several things that could’ve influenced the creation of Davy Jones and his iconic locker that I found including one man who sailed the Indian Ocean in the 1630s by the name of David Jones. Historians believe that it’s unlikely he was an influence on the legend though since he’s fairly unknown even during the time he was active. My personal head canon though is that Davy Jones was based on a man of the same name who owned a British pub and got his patrons so drunk that he would lock them in his ale locker (Davy Jones’ locker) and sell them into slavery. Eventually when his pub went belly-up he ended up becoming a ruthless pirate himself for a short period of time who decapitated most of his crew and locked them below deck before his ship sank. Whatever the true inspiration for this icon is, the general idea among sailors is that Davy Jones is the Satan of the sea.

This movie and the next one however focus on the interpretation where Davy Jones is the captain of the Flying Dutchman and is responsible for ferrying souls who died at sea to the next life. He can only set foot on land once every 10 years and when he fell in love with the sea Goddess Calypso, he returned to land after a decade to find that she’d left him (Also yes, Tia Dalma is Calypso). As a result, Davy Jones’ weakness in this movie is talks of romance and the reminder of Calypso which we’ll see later, but for now Will manages to save his own life by telling Jones that Jack Sparrow sent him to settle his debt. So Jones pays Jack a quick visit.

Did I mention Davy Jones was cool yet?

As much as I love everything Davy Jones in this movie, this scene is also just setting up plot threads that’ll eventually amount to nothing in the end. Since Jack agrees to give Will up to Davy Jones, Jones gives Jack the opportunity to harvest another 99 souls in the next three days to give up to Jones’ crew as well and officially settle his debt. The only problem with this is that Jack never gets 99 souls in the movie to give Jones so this just drags things out. By giving Jack a false sense of protection from the Kraken, because Jones deactivates the Black Spot on Jack’s hand while he harvests these souls, it takes away the looming threat of the Kraken and the sense of urgency associated with escaping it. Mainly because, I’m just gonna say it, you totally forget Jack doesn’t have the Black Spot activated anymore until it shows up again in the last third of the movie. All the while practically nothing of interest is going on! Speaking of uninteresting -

Commodore?

No, not anymore, weren’t you listening?!

While I’m at it, let me just make a side pot of scenes that I totally forgot were in this movie despite seeing it at least 7 times at this point:

• Elizabeth disguised on the merchant ship making the crew believe her dress is haunted.

Yay, even more characters that have no reason to be here! So I guess this movie forgot it already replaced Norrington with Beckett. That and does Norrington really have anyone to blame for his current situation but himself?

I think we can afford to give [Jack] one day’s head start.

No, you really can’t.

I’d be lying though if I said I wasn’t at least somewhat interested in the “Ally of Convenience” trope. I’ve always been a fan of it because I feel like there’s something that can be explored emotionally and psychologically with characters who’re at odds with each other if you put them up against a threat that’s bigger than either of them forcing them to work together in the process if it’s done well. When it comes to Norrington though, he’s always been a single-noted character with few layers to him and even when putting him in a situation allowing him to become something more than what he is, they still do nothing with his character! He’s still just the same stick in the mud with a chip on his shoulder he’s always been, now he’s just…dirtier. Ooo!

So in a drunk rampage, Norrington starts a bar fight and tries to shoot Jack until he gets knocked out with a bottle by Elizabeth only to be thrown in a pig pen and comforted by Elizabeth. Girl, you literally just conked him on the back of the head with a bottle, now you care about him?!

I just wanted the pleasure of doing that myself!

James Norrington…what has the world done to you?

Pick a lane, girl!

It does get interesting again when we cut back to Davy Jones’ ship. Granted if the movie was just Davy Jones and his crew I’d be satisfied, but that’s where I think it’s worth mentioning that this is really Davy Jones’ movie. While The Curse of the Black Pearl was more Jack’s movie, Dead Man’s Chest is definitely Davy Jones’ movie. Not only does he steal the show every time he’s on screen, but most of the subtle visual characterization in this film revolves around him and he’s the one who appears to have the most depth as well. While we don’t see his relationship with Calypso here (she isn’t even mentioned by name until the next one), we at least see the effect their relationship had on Jones in several small moments done through clever prop work, musical clues, or subtle facial expressions from Bill Nighy. Speaking of which, Davy Jones’ theme is also really awesome and it gets better with this image:

While it is melodramatic, it also fits in pretty well with other gothic monster stories like Phantom of the Opera, Frankenstein, or The Hunchback of Notre Dame (the original, not the Disney version)

Also remember what I said earlier about starting the movie from the Pelegostos’ island? If we did that, imagine if this was the introduction we got of Bootstrap Bill.

My son…he’s my son.

Wouldn’t that be so much more surprising?

While that would be a lot more interesting to me, I will admit that Bootstrap Bill is pretty pointless in this movie in the long-run. Now I’m not saying I don’t like Skarsgård’s acting, I truly believe based on his acting alone that he’s a protective father trying to keep his son safe in the face of certain danger, it’s just that in terms of the script Bootstrap is nothing more than a Will-shield. His only purpose is to keep Will from getting himself killed. I will give him credit though, he does have his work cut out for him. Also, watching Will get whipped is so cathartic for me.

Harder daddy!

…What? He is his dad.

Side pot:

• Barnacle Ship Boy talking about the Dead Man’s Chest.

Now we’re back with Jack and his crew as Norrington and Elizabeth join forces with them. This is when the truth about Jack’s compass is revealed: the compass isn’t actually broken (which is something that adds to Jack’s likable oddball persona), instead the compass points to what you want most. You clearly made that up just for this movie. You know what, I’m just gonna move on. What’s next again?

Side pot:

• Governor Swann meeting with Lord Beckett.

Come on, movie. At least let me get a full paragraph in before you throw in more crap I forgot was in this.

Thank the Lord, another Flying Dutchman scene! We see the crew playing a dice game called Lying Dutchman with each other where they gamble with their years of service to Davy Jones. I’m gonna be honest, when I saw this for the first time years ago I really wanted to play this game. I don’t know why, it just always looked so fun to me! Anyway, Will has a great idea to get the key.

I challenge Davy Jones.

Idiot.

[I’ll give you] my soul. An eternity of servitude.

Idiot!

After challenging Jones, Bootstrap Bill steps in to be a proper Will-shield and while Davy Jones is still really fun to watch during this scene, Will never seems to get any more interesting throughout the rest of this series. Dammit he started off boring and he’s gonna stay boring! When Will is about to lose, Bootstrap takes the fall for him and ends up being sentenced to an eternity of service instead of Will. In the end Will says the challenge wasn’t about winning or losing, he just wanted to know where Davy Jones’ key was. I still feel like there were better ways to find that out rather than risking eternal damnation for the sake of figuring out where the key is. Will then proceeds to steal Davy Jones’ key while he’s asleep at his organ. Okay, it should not have been that easy! For a legit cool and badass character, that’s really embarrassing!

Side pot:

• Bootstrap talking with Will before he escapes.

• Elizabeth talking to Jack and Norrington on the Black Pearl and Elizabeth questioning if she actually loves Jack or not.

Ooo, we got a twofer! After those two forgettable scenes back-to-back we see Will made it onto the merchant ship Elizabeth stowed away on earlier and he begs them to get to land as soon as possible. Too late though, the Flying Dutchman already caught up with him and Jones sends the Kraken to destroy the ship. Looking back too, the Kraken did not age as well as Jones did. It’s pretty obvious that the filmmakers were way prouder of this effect than they should’ve been and it ends up having the spotlight for 2 long action sequences in the movie which only makes it more obvious how not-so-good the Kraken looks. I suppose it’s a decent effect, but I don’t think it’s good enough for 2 long action sequences. That and this scene ends up being a moot point anyway because the ship is destroyed, Will survives (explain that one, writers!), and ends up getting right back on the Dutchman. Did we really need that scene in the movie? I understand that Will needed a way to convince the Dutchman crew that he was no longer on the ship so he could hitch a ride on it in secret, but couldn’t he have done that a different way? He could’ve just let one of the Dutchman’s longboats drift out into open water under the pretense that he took it to escape and hid in the jaws at the bow of the ship instead. That would’ve kept things more focused and this movie is long enough already, can we trim stuff down please?!

Side pot:

• More Jack and Elizabeth flirting.

• The Black Spot reactivates.

• Pintel and Ragetti: ‘kracken’ vs. ‘krayken’.

I guess it’s been three days. It definitely feels like it! So we finally make it to Isla Cruces where the chest is supposed to be, but the movie still thinks it hasn’t wasted enough of our time.

Does anyone care?!

They eventually find it and dig it up with the Flying Dutchman hot on their trail, and Will manages to reunite with everybody as well.

How did you get here?

You should be asking the writers that question.

Kinda like I said before about Davy Jones’ character, a lot is subtly revealed about him and his past while they’re on this island. For instance, the reason Jones felt the urge to bury the chest on this island in the first place implies that this island is important to him. We see a dilapidated church surrounded by a full cemetery with an open grave which suggests that there was a town on this island at one point but it’s since gone under and the open grave could be Davy Jones’ grave. That and my personal favorite touch is when they open the box that has the chest in it and find several love letters and a dried up bouquet of flowers surrounding the chest.

With Will’s return, the truth is revealed that Jack lied about not being involved in Will’s capture at the hands of the Dutchman. Though honestly that’s more of Elizabeth’s fault because his lie wasn’t convincing at all yet she still believed him. Will goes to open the chest with the key and kill Davy Jones, but this results in a three-way fight breaking out between Jack, Will, and Norrington who all want the chest for their own needs. Will wants to kill Jones to save his father, Jack wants to keep Jones alive so he can convince Jones to call off the Kraken, and Norrington wants to keep Jones alive and deliver the chest to Beckett so he can get his old life back.

Each wants the chest for hisself, don’ ‘e? Mr. Norrington, I fink, is trying to regain a bit of honor, old Jack’s lookin’ to trade it, save ‘is own skin, then Turner there, I think ‘e’s trying to settle some unresolved business ‘twixt him and his twice-cursed pirate father.

That’s literally what I just said!

So Pintel and Ragetti (played again by Lee Arenberg and Mackenzie Crook) decide to do the noble thing and steal the chest from the three fighting men and Elizabeth follows close behind them. It’s at this point that I really start to have some fun with the movie again because firstly: this is the first official sword fight in the movie. Sure up until now they’ve had swords, some characters have used blades/knives to kill people, Beckett has had his fair share of playing with Norrington’s old sword, and Will has…flailed swords around, but this is the first genuine sword fight. Not only that but secondly: it’s a three-way sword fight. We’ve seen quite a few one-on-one sword fights up until now, in the previous movie, but so far we’ve yet to see a three-sided every man for himself sword fight and that on its own makes it pretty fun to watch. If you pick one person to follow you may even enjoy yourself more. Thirdly: it’s superbly choreographed with some great slapstick thrown in for good measure. The more you watch this fight the more it escalates the idea. They fight their way into the jungle, into a church and zipline on the church bell rope, onto the exterior roof, and eventually onto a broken water wheel which ends up splitting apart from its supports and rolling through the jungle with everyone on it. It’s got life, it’s got energy, it’s got humor, and it’s got fun! Where was this the entire rest of the movie?! Okay, I do still like the Pelegostos scene, but you get my point!

Elizabeth, Pintel, and Ragetti eventually encounter Davy Jones’ crew in the jungle as well and end up having to fight them off which is surprisingly easy for them considering the crew contains at least a dozen people if not more and there’s only 3 of them, but it can be kinda fun too. Eventually the three-way fight results in Jack getting a hold of the key and finding the chest after quickly decapitating one of Jones’ crew members who tried stealing the chest back with a coconut. He opens up the chest, steals the heart, and closes it back up without taking the key back. Kinda dumb there Jack. I know he was technically in a hurry, but it would’ve taken him 2 seconds to twist the key out of the lock, so why not take it? Jack gets back to the longboat and puts the heart in his jar of dirt which would’ve been clever if Norrington didn’t recover from his dizziness and steal the heart for himself anyway. So in the end the jar of dirt is also pointless! Whee… So after knocking Will out and being surrounded by Jones’ crew, Norrington decides to draw the rest of them off by taking the chest and running back into the jungle so everyone else can escape. Since the crew members don’t know Norrington already has the heart, he manages to give the chest back to them without raising any suspicions and gets off scot free.

When everyone else makes it back to the Black Pearl the Flying Dutchman emerges from the depths and Jack, still under the impression that he has the heart, mocks Jones thusly.

I got a jar of dirt!

I got a jar of dirt!

And guess what’s inside it!

Even though the jar of dirt has been rendered pointless, I’d be lying if I said this scene didn’t always make me chuckle.

Davy Jones isn’t having it though, so he tries to send the Black Pearl back to the ocean floor where it belongs but the Pearl is too fast for him. Off-topic: this guy should really consider starting an ASMR channel.

Let them taste the triple guns.

AyE cApTaIn…

I’m not saying I’d subscribe to it, I’m just saying people would.

It looks like the Dutchman is giving up when, oh right, the Kraken, duh! As soon as the Kraken is released on the Pearl, Jack nopes his way out of there leaving Will and Elizabeth to take charge of defending the Pearl and the audience to suffer with more scenes focusing on Will and Elizabeth. Every time I see this part I always wish that one of those two will die. That would make things interesting! It is a bit funny when they’re loading gunpowder barrels into a net to blow up the Kraken when they realize they don’t have enough gunpowder so Will tells them to load the rum.

…Aye, the rum too!

This eventually leads to Will hanging from the barrel net and getting his foot stuck while the Kraken attacks which keeps Elizabeth from shooting it until Jack gets back to the ship and shoots for her. The Kraken gets blown up, but it’s not dead yet, it’s just royally pissed now. Jack gives the order to abandon ship and we get some more brief Elizabeth and Jack flirting (even a kiss!) before Elizabeth does this.

It’s after you, not the ship.

It clearly isn’t because the Kraken had several opportunities to kill Jack back there and didn’t take them.

Basically, this movie badly wants to be The Empire Strikes Back so Elizabeth decides to leave Jack behind. This of course results in Jack getting eaten by the Kraken as it takes down the Black Pearl, Davy Jones opens the chest to see his heart is missing, and Norrington delivers said heart to Lord Beckett. Now’s the time to have a funeral for Jack back at Tia’s place. Yeah, it’s a bit weird seeing everyone crying over him since this whole movie is basically his fault, but I won’t spoil their moment. Except Will’s because I hate him. Why does he care that Jack is dead?! In that sword fight from earlier Will was totally okay with Norrington killing Jack, so why would he suddenly be sad that he’s dead? Since everyone’s all morose, Tia presents them with the prospect of bringing Jack back from the dead along with the Black Pearl to which everyone agrees that they’d move Heaven and Earth to see him alive again. In the meantime, who’ll be their captain? Not gonna lie, this reveal was pretty startling the first time I saw it.

So tell me, what’s become of my ship?

So that was Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest, certainly a less than worthy follow-up to a good movie.

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All things considered, I think I’m still somewhat torn on this one. Everything I said in this review I meant and I stand by it, but also like I said there are still some things that I do legit enjoy in this movie. Unfortunately it’s sandwiched between several boring moments, pointless plot threads, and un-fun characters. On the other hand though, this movie does present what I would consider a franchise mainstay in Davy Jones who I still think is really cool and fun to watch, and there are some good moments of physical comedy and action here and there. Overall I wouldn’t consider it enough to balance out the bad moments like the last film though. I’d much rather watch clips of those moments from the movie than the actual movie itself all over again which definitely isn’t good. Although, I suppose that does point out a weird strength this movie has.

You could say that what this movie does have outside of a coherent plot is well-made short films hidden throughout it. Honestly if the Pelegostos island scene, those scenes from the Flying Dutchman, everything Davy Jones related (minus him getting duped by Will while he’s asleep), and the fun three-way sword fight could make some pretty solid short films on their own. All together is when they fall apart since there isn’t a stable enough story to support it in-between those moments of joy. Part of why I think this is because I mentioned in the introduction that both Dead Man’s Chest and At World’s End were shot back-to-back. My theory is that the writers likely thought they didn’t need to go the extra mile to simplify and add layers to the writing since they knew they already had a sequel ready to go. As a result, the movie heavily suffers from moments that aren’t needed, but if you’re interested in this film for your weekend movie night because of those rare nuggets of fun, then I’m not gonna stop you.

For the rating, I feel like giving this movie a solid 2/5 giant squid. I will admit that if I’m in the right mood for this movie, I can kinda be a fan of it. If I’m feeling up for it and am willing to look past all the nonsense I feel like I could give it a 3.5/5, but only on the rare occasion I do want to watch this movie and that’s the absolute highest I can rate it.

Other Pirates Reviews

Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales

(I make no claim of ownership for any of the images used in this post)

(Each of them are owned entirely by their respective copyright holders, which are not me)

(I’m just a humble blogger who talks about movies, I do not make them)

(Yet)

Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl

Disclaimer:

The movie I’ll be reviewing this week is rated: PG-13

Some content herein is unsuitable for children.

Alright! Here we are again with another franchise! Unlike the first franchise I covered with Indiana Jones, I think this one has a bit more down moments than up moments since I consider this franchise to only have one objectively good film with the others just kinda there. Luckily though, we get to start this analysis with my favorite of the films in the franchise: Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl. This is the movie that really started getting people thinking Disney films based off of their rides could be something really creative and interesting. While not the first Disney film to attempt to make a Disney ride into a film (that honor is reserved for The Country Bears), it is certainly the one that most people enjoy, me included. I also won’t be the first person to say that this was a pretty creatively bankrupt point in Disney’s existence since their hand-drawn classics were starting to stagnate and live-action films were starting to be seen as more mature and enticing to audiences at the time. However, since Disney was desperate to churn out those hits and bring in the big bucks like they were used to, they decided to take another risk on a film based on one of their most popular rides this time: Pirates of the Caribbean.

After seeing the trailers, audiences were initially laughing the concept off as something that was clearly Disney grasping at creative straws, but upon seeing the film itself, it won people over pretty quickly since it cleverly never took itself too seriously. Not only did it have some interestingly comedic moments, but most of the comedy had a dark and twisted taste to it which was uncommonly seen from the company at the time while having an overall mature feel which drew in more people. That and of course the iconic portrayal of the franchise’s main character Jack Sparrow at the hands of Johnny Depp hooked people even more. I’m going to be honest and say that I was always a fan of Johnny Depp’s performance as well since it was genuinely electric, but I can’t help but feel at least somewhat off-put by watching this series again in lieu of what’s happened in the actor’s life recently. I never watched the news or the trial as the story unfolded so I can’t really speak to what my opinions are on the matter, but even if I did, I wouldn’t want that to be a major part of my blog. The point of this blog is to talk about movies, how they’re made, what my thoughts are, and the impact they’ve had. Never will this be a current events or personal rant blog unless that rant is about how bad a movie is. Also if you like bad movie rants, stay tuned for Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End. I mostly wanted to mention this in case people were expecting me to talk about this and hear my opinion on it, so now you know where I stand on that and be aware I won’t be mentioning it for the rest of this franchise review (unless I want to joke about it (come on, you can’t blame me for that)).

So with that out of the way, we can officially get into my opinions of this first movie before we’re disappointed by everything that’s to come. Strap yourselves in, hoist the colors high, and drink up me hearties yo-ho! This is Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl!

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So we start this movie off without the Disney logo because this movie is too dark for that as we open on a young girl named Elizabeth Swann (played by Lucinda Dryzek) singing the same song from the ride when Joshamee Gibbs (played by the underrated Kevin McNally) approaches from behind to warn her singing about pirates is bad luck.

It’s bad luck to have a woman on board too. Even a miniature one.

…Ew…

The girl’s father Weatherby Swann also happens to be a governor (played by Jonathan Pryce) and doesn’t want his daughter getting interested in pirate stuff. It’s gonna be a long franchise for him. Granted it is for the rest of us too, but that’s beside the point. Aside from that, the one thing that especially weirds me out about this flashback is how we see Lieutenant Norrington (played by Jack Davenport) as markedly older than Elizabeth and just knowing how he’ll eventually want to marry her when she comes of age. Sure it’s when she comes of age, but it’s still pretty nasty. I will say that I give it a bit of leeway since that’s likely how marriages were done at the time this movie takes place, but it doesn’t make it any easier to watch. Truthfully, most of this flashback scene is kinda nasty and weird when you think about it, but I will give it credit that it sets the bar high for the tone of the rest of the film especially when the ship comes across a young boy floating in the water (played by Dylan Smith) who’s nearly drowned after being in a shipwreck.

Be glad he’s still alive though, if this were the sequels he’d probably be dead.

After they hoist him on board and try to decide what should be done with him, Elizabeth discovers that his name is Will Turner after he jump scares most younger viewers (I was definitely one of them when I saw this movie the first time) and Elizabeth notices he has a rather peculiar trinket around his neck.

If you care about this at all, I advise you not to get your hopes up.

Much like what I said in the intro, Jack Sparrow is definitely what drew most people to this film and the rest of the characters (outside of the other pirates later) are pretty boring. I suppose Will and Elizabeth are…fine. They’re nothing entirely special though. What makes it more difficult to enjoy them is how they’re also main characters so they get a lot of focus alongside Jack Sparrow later and they really can’t support the film on their own. We’ll get a bit more into that real soon, but for now we end this flashback with Elizabeth stealing Will’s medallion and Elizabeth catching a glimpse of the Black Pearl in the distance before we flash forward to present day. Well, present day in the movie.

We see a now adult Elizabeth (played by Keira Knightley) waking up from a dream when her father comes in to give her a dress for Norrington’s promotion ceremony as he’s slated to become a Commodore. She…doesn’t like it. Meanwhile, grown-up Will (played by Orlando Bloom) is downstairs waiting to give Governor Swann his latest sword because he’s a blacksmith’s apprentice now. Getting back to what I was saying before, I’m really struggling to pay attention when the focus is on Will and Elizabeth. I ‘will’ (heh, get it?) give Elizabeth some credit that she can be somewhat interesting. While she’s not particularly complex or anything, she can still be quick on her feet and can get some genuine laughs. It’s obvious she’s interested in both pirates and government at the same time, being torn between two polar opposite worlds which ignites her sense of adventure and allows her to show off her cleverness on more than one occasion.

Will on the other hand…is so boring. His entire character is just pining after Elizabeth which is also essentially what Norrington’s character is, just more stuck-up and bossy. The main thing that stands out is that Bloom tries to play Will all suave and cool, but director Gore Verbinski kept insisting on set that Will was supposed to be a dork. I think I would’ve liked it more if Will was more dorky and socially awkward since that would’ve not only been a bit more relatable to the audience, it probably would’ve been funnier too. As is though, Will isn’t awkwardly funny he’s just awkward. They try to give him a bit of character by giving him a deep-seeded hatred of pirates, but that’s about the extent of it. All the while I can’t help but wish he did die in that shipwreck when he was a kid so he wouldn’t grow up to disappoint us. To be fair though, I’m not sure if I entirely blame Bloom for this, to me it just wasn’t the right casting. I think there are a few other actors that could pull off the adorkably likable loner better than Bloom. However, we can’t go back in time (unfortunately or fortunately).

In case all of that sounded un-fun to you, well the good news is that it’s followed by quite possibly one of the best character introductions I’ve ever seen in a film.

Jack Sparrow (famously played by Johnny Depp) is easily the biggest takeaway from this film and this intro encapsulates everything you need to know about him in under a minute. The main reason I enjoy this performance personally is because of the visual aspects. So much characterization comes across just from the subtle stances, mannerisms, and actions this character takes that creates the perfect poster-child for this franchise. He’s goofy, manipulative, odd, smooth, crazy, smart, and it’s hard not to love him whenever he’s on screen (except when you remember…”that thing”).

Naturally if you’re in any way familiar with behind the scenes info about this performance you’re aware that Johnny Depp said that pirates were the rock stars of their day so he played Jack Sparrow like Keith Richards. He also was extremely dedicated to the creation of this character and essentially hand picked most of his design details, each of which were okay’d by director Gore Verbinski except for one. Where the director drew the line was an artificial nose for Jack Sparrow. Depp proposed that Sparrow had gotten his nose cut off in a previous sword fight and replaced it with an artificial one that would fall off whenever he sneezed. Verbinski supposedly rejected the idea since he thought it wouldn’t quite match the feel of the rest of the film’s humor and could even be a bit too graphic for any younger viewers. In the end I think it was a good decision. To be honest I probably would’ve found a gag like that funny, but it would’ve also fundamentally changed the character dynamic from what we got in the final product.

Anyway, wasn’t this movie supposed to be funny?

Ah, that’s better.

What makes it even funnier is how the dock master still asks Jack to pay 1 shilling to tie up his boat.

So as the promotion ceremony of Commodore Norrington proceeds, Jack looks to commandeer a new ship for himself while everyone else is distracted. In the process he runs into two Royal Navy Guardsmen named Murtogg and Mullroy (played by Giles New and Angus Barnett) who rather ineptly try to prevent him from gaining access to the Dauntless. This is also about as good a time as any to mention that the dialogue can be very wordy at times. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with exposition, in my favorite Indiana Jones films the exposition was not only needed to help the audience understand what’s going on but it also helps to build up the items they’re searching for as being larger-than-life and otherworldly. Similarly to those films, that’s more or less what this conversation about the Black Pearl does too, although there are just a lot of conversations like these. For example: the back and forth between Jack and Will during their first encounter, when the pirates Pintel and Ragetti explain to Elizabeth what drew them to Port Royal, Elizabeth’s explanation of Parley, Jack’s speech about what a man can do and what a man can’t do, Gibbs’ recruitment conversation with Jack, Barbossa’s run-down of the curse’s history, and so many others. While it is all interesting, and even funny from time-to-time, it can get a bit tiresome.

Jack manages to skate past Murtogg and Mullroy’s suspicions until a certain someone falls from the cliff above them into the water. That someone is Elizabeth because her new corset has restricted her breathing so much to the point she passed out. I guess this is before fainting couches were invented. Since the two men enlisted in the Navy can’t swim (it was a different time, okay?), Jack decides to dive in and rescue her. Not before the medallion Elizabeth stole from Will sends a shockwave through the water. Strange. After bringing her back to the docks, Jack is stopped by Governor Swann, Norrington, and the rest of the Navy reinforcements where we discover a few more things about Jack. He’s got a pistol with only one shot and a compass that doesn’t point north (until the sequels retcon that). Everyone’s favorite character Commodore Norrington goes to arrest Jack and hang him for piracy, but Jack instead manages to elude them in trademark Sparrow fashion.

Thus the Sparrow run was born.

Now is probably the best time to mention that the musical score in this film is absolutely iconic. While most people are probably familiar with Hans Zimmer for just one sound that needs no introduction -

- this film’s score has so much energy, personality, and subtlety to it that matches the on-screen action perfectly to the point where I feel confident calling it one of Hans Zimmer’s best scores. If you don’t have it on any of the music streaming platforms you use, I strongly recommend downloading it.

With that aside, Jack makes his way into a blacksmith’s workshop where he manages to break his bonds with a…wheel. Not really sure how that works, but okay. Unfortunately though, this blacksmith’s workshop is the same workshop Will is an apprentice at! Funny how that works. Will of course walks in to find Jack which of course results in the film’s first sword fight which is very well choreographed and has some fun physical comedy thrown in for good measure. Depp, Bloom, Rush and many other actors put a lot of effort practicing sword fighting for the sake of this film (granted Bloom already had experience from Lord of the Rings) and it definitely comes through on screen. That and you also get some more visual character beats with Jack that you may not notice upon first viewing. This is highlighted when we see Jack challenge Will’s 3 hour/day practice by putting his footwork to the test which also distracts Will enough for Jack to move himself closer to the exit. We see it again after Will disarms Jack prompting him to cheat by spraying Will with sawdust and pulling out his pistol cementing his cutthroat pirate persona. When Will refuses to step out of the way, Jack seems reluctant to shoot him though. For now we don’t know why Jack doesn’t want to use his shot, but he will use it if he has to.

Of course this all comes to a head when the previously passed-out drunk proprietor of the workshop ends up conking Jack on the back of the head with a bottle right before the Navy bursts in. This results in Jack getting captured. Get used to that. On the plus side we’re treated to another ride reference!

That very same night as Elizabeth is winding down in her bed and Will is toiling away at the blacksmith there’s a change in the wind. Port Royal is caught up in cannon fire from the crew of the Black Pearl! In my opinion, it’s at this point that the film starts to get much more fun. Don’t get me wrong, there were fun moments in the movie before like Jack’s escape and the sword fight with Will, but the Black Pearl crew have such a strong on-screen presence it’s hard not to enjoy them. What’s even cooler about them is that it would’ve been so easy for the filmmakers to cast extras in these roles but they didn’t. Instead they actually cast character actors and as a result each of the pirates end up having their own distinct personalities which makes them even more fun to watch.

Of course, who could forget these two?

They make their way through the town pillaging and raiding as they go until they get to Elizabeth’s Manor. Also, I wonder what this butler thought was going to happen when he opened the door:

‘Ello chum.

Good plan there, buddy.

They go to kidnap Elizabeth because they see she’s the one with the medallion and she manages to stall them by smacking Pintel (played by Lee Arenberg) with a pan and showering Ragetti (played by Mackenzie Crook) with hot coals. What kinda confuses me about this is how they both seem to have painful reactions to these things yet the curse they have prevents them from feeling anything, so how does that work? Either way, she locks herself in a room and tries to grab a sword from the display (key word being tries).

Despite not having a well-developed character, Elizabeth can still be funny at times.

Instead she opts to hide in a hidden cupboard and make it seem like she escaped out the window when suddenly Pintel and Ragetti burst in. They’re not buying the window escape though so they try to coax Elizabeth out by explaining to her how they found the medallion. The shockwave that went through the water when Elizabeth fell in earlier is what called out to them and drew them to Port Royal. Elizabeth can’t stay hidden forever though which is revealed in this pretty cool moment:

‘Ello poppet.

I don’t know, that’s just cool to me.

Elizabeth invokes the right of Parley though which prevents Pintel and Ragetti from harming her until after she’s been taken to the captain, so they do just that. Meanwhile Will is having his funniest moment in the film.

It looks like he woke up and forgot how much he had to drink the night before.

Jack also tries to get himself out of jail using the same trick that didn’t work for the other prisoners before he’s interrupted by a couple of pirates. This is when we start to get more of an idea of what Jack’s relationship to the Pearl and these pirates is when they poke fun at Jack for being locked up and give us a first look at how the curse works.

So there is a curse…that’s interesting.

It’s also kinda cool how Jack’s “That’s interesting” line comes back around later in the film in a similar fashion, but for now it’s a nice preview of what the rest of the movie is going to be like. That and seeing the curse in action gives Jack an idea in this scene about how to get the Pearl back which will also come back into play of course. One thing that gets me about this is how these same two pirates don’t let the rest of the crew know that Jack is still alive when he isn’t supposed to be. When the crew runs into Jack again later they act as if it’s still a big surprise he’s alive, so why didn’t these two pirates tell the crew about Jack? A little weird, but not movie-breaking necessarily.

On the Black Pearl we’re officially introduced to Captain Barbossa (played by Geoffrey Rush) who’s clearly having a ball on screen and Elizabeth gets a chance to show off how smart she can be as well. When Barbossa refuses to leave Port Royal Elizabeth says she’ll drop the medallion into the water which causes him to change his tune. He asks Elizabeth her name and she says ‘Elizabeth Turner’. For the longest time I wondered why exactly she did that because it just never made sense. What makes it even muddier is when later in the film she admits even she doesn’t know why she did it, but I think I finally know why. After giving it some thought, she initially found the medallion around Will’s neck when she was a kid so she may be correctly assuming that the pirates are actually after him so she’s taking his last name to protect him. That and one of her handmaidens not that long ago told her that she was in danger by being the Governor’s daughter so she took Will’s name and pretended to be a handmaiden herself to dissuade the pirates from killing her or holding her for ransom as the Governor’s daughter. Either way, the pirates hear the name ‘Turner’ and are immediately interested. They agree to leave and never come back but take Elizabeth with them for reasons unknown to us for the time being.

Welcome aboard the Black Pearl, Miss Turner!

Oh yeah, and Will exists. He goes off to try to find Elizabeth or some crap, who really cares? I swear this guy has only two moods: blind love and annoyingly angry! Never do I get the sense when he’s onscreen that his emotions and actions are genuine, it feels so much like an act that it can be pretty painful. Since Norrington and Governor Swann aren’t allowing Will to help find Elizabeth, he takes matters into his own hands by lifting Jack from jail. Only after Jack learns Will’s name does he agree to help him which further cements how the name ‘Turner’ is an important one in this film and they find a ship to steal in a rather surreal way.

There’s probably a lot of reasons as to why that wouldn’t work…

…but this is a movie based on an amusement park ride. Why do I care?

After making their way onto the ship in question, that being the Dauntless from earlier, Jack points his pistol at the Lieutenant and says he and Will are taking over. This prompts the entire crew of a dozen people to…just let them, and Norrington tries to stop them on the Navy’s fastest ship: the Interceptor. Jack has an idea though.

Meme me.

Norrington and the Navy rush the Dauntless leaving no one left to look after the Interceptor which is pretty dumb. Naturally Jack and Will make their way onto the Interceptor when no one’s looking and sail off with it because who could’ve predicted that? Norrington tries to chase them but they disabled the Dauntless’ rudder chain preventing them from giving chase or even rotating the ship enough to start firing at them. This gives one of the Naval officers a chance to compliment the escaping pirates.

That’s got to be the best pirate I’ve ever seen.

So it would seem.

That’s the thing about Jack though is that he’s somehow both the worst and the best pirate at the same time.

So Jack and Will have a conversation about Will’s father whom Jack says was a pirate whose crew mates called ‘Bootstrap Bill’. Will doesn’t like this at all, because as I said before Will only has two settings, and Jack properly puts him in his place. Heck, at least it was short! They then agree to sail to the island of Tortuga to get themselves a crew. At Tortuga we’re reintroduced to Mr. Gibbs, but not before this brief moment that plays much differently in hindsight.

Not sure I deserved that.

The internet will be the judge as it usually is.

Gibbs on the other hand has found himself some interesting sleeping buddies.

I hear they love people.

So Jack buys Gibbs a drink and convinces him to help him by telling him about Will being Bootstrap Bill’s son. Barbossa on the other hand wants to have dinner with Elizabeth back on the Black Pearl. Given some creepy coaxing from Pintel she sits down to a bountiful feast that I highly doubt they’d be able to get out on the high seas when Barbossa tells her the tale of the treasure. The medallion is actually Aztec gold given to Cortes himself after his invasion of their homeland to stop him from slaughtering the rest of their people. It’s part of a series of 882 identical pieces given to Cortes in a stone chest that was cursed by the Aztec Gods on account of Cortes’ insatiable greed. Anyone who takes even a single piece from that chest would be cursed until the end of time. When Barbossa and his crew came upon the chest they took all the gold from it until they realized the legend was true and began rounding up the treasure again to return it. Elizabeth’s medallion is the last piece of the treasure and the curse can be lifted only when all the treasure is restored and the ‘blood repaid’. Bootstrap Bill’s blood to be exact.

Another thing I never quite got is why Bootstrap Bill’s blood specifically is the blood that’s needed to lift the curse. Later Will says something along the lines of it being “The blood of a pirate”, but there are so many other pirates in this movie that could donate blood to this cause, why does it have to be his specifically? One thing they push a bit in this movie is how Bootstrap was both a pirate and a good man, so I think that might have something to do with it since practically no other pirates in the movie fit that description, but it’s never outwardly explained. Which is weird because practically everything else is spelled out for the audience in this movie including the cursed treasure backstory I just spelled out in the last paragraph. Yeah the movie pretty much puts it the exact same way, so it’s a bit weird that they would keep this a bit vague. Back in the movie, Elizabeth doesn’t believe Barbossa until she stabs him in the chest and he doesn’t die then she sees the rest of the cursed crew in the moonlight which further proves Barbossa was right. Also, despite being such a simple concept with moonlight revealing skeleton pirates, it’s still really cool to me.

It’s something that despite being simple and quick to grasp, it can be portrayed in really creative ways kind of like what we saw before with Jack in his jail cell. We’ll see it done in even more creative ways later on, but even a shot like this is pretty cool. Even if it can be a little too goofy at times.

Yes, the essential ship trampoline. You really have all your bases covered.

Also this is a really good line.

You best start believin’ in ghost stories, Miss Turner.

You’re in one!

Back with Jack, Gibbs whipped him up a crew including Zoe Saldana of all people and they set off for the Isla de Muerta where the cursed treasure of Cortes is and where Barbossa’s crew is heading. While waiting to disembark at Isla de Muerta we get another ride reference and Gibbs tells Will Jack’s backstory. He was in fact the original captain of the Black Pearl with Barbossa as his first mate, but Barbossa betrayed him along with the rest of the crew who lead a mutiny against him and marooned him on an island to die with a pistol and one shot. Since then he managed to escape, though sources are fuzzy on how he did that, and he saves that one shot for Barbossa himself. Well I’m bored again, can something fun happen?

Geoffrey Rush, we truly don’t deserve you.

So Barbossa and Jack’s crew arrive at Isla de Muerta at the same time and Barbossa tries to lift the curse with Elizabeth’s blood. Funny thing is that it doesn’t work.

How do we tell?

Womp womp.

So, what now? Argue of course! Well, these are definitely pirates. While they’re distracted Will sneaks in after knocking Jack out with an oar to rescue Elizabeth and take the medallion back in the process. It takes a bit more arguing until Barbossa and his crew realize Elizabeth’s gone and he sends everyone after her. That’s when they come across a familiar face.

You’re supposed to be dead!

Am I not?

Well you’re at least supposed to be knocked out, that’s literally what I just said.

So Jack gets captured again. As I said: get used to it. They don’t kill him because he knows who’s blood they need to lift the curse and he makes it a point to rub it in their faces. That’s part of what I like with Jack and Barbossa’s onscreen chemistry, it’s very easy to buy that these two have known each other for a very long time yet hate each other’s guts and they love getting on each other’s nerves. When Will and Elizabeth make it back to the Interceptor, Gibbs and the rest of the crew sail off and I stop caring again because it’s another Will scene. Please, the sooner we can get him off screen the sooner we can start having fun again. He has a conversation on the Interceptor with Elizabeth about the two of them, why Elizabeth did what she did, the ramifications of Bootstrap Bill being Will’s father and really, who’s listening? Once again these characters just slow things down and aren’t in any way engaging on their own without the rest of the movie to support them.

The good news is it doesn’t take too long to cut back to Jack and Barbossa arguing about what should be done about Jack’s information on the person who’s blood they need. Of course Barbossa eventually locks Jack in the brig for his Jack-ness as they start to catch up with the Interceptor. As was established earlier, the Black Pearl is the fastest ship in the Caribbean, “nigh uncatchable” as Jack put it, so it’s not looking too good for the Interceptor and her crew. Elizabeth tries to play it smart by trying to lose the Black Pearl on the shoals and dumping any ballast they need to speed up. It doesn’t work however and they have to resort to shooting whatever they have left that they didn’t dump off the ship out of their cannons. It’s a pretty nice buildup to our first official ship on ship battle in the film and it’s very well played out too. It’s both goofy and tense as the ships exchange blows and Ragetti gets a fork in the wooden eye.

Dude, that’s forked up.

This whole battle lasts for quite a while and is just the adrenaline shot this movie needed until eventually the medallion is recovered by Barbossa’s side monkey and the Interceptor is overpowered because of the whole enemy being immortal thing. Will ends up getting trapped below deck for a significant portion of the fight. I just thought I’d throw that out there in case Elizabeth was reading this review. In an act of victory Barbossa’s crew blows up the Interceptor, so does that mean Will is dead?

No…and I just grabbed out the champagne!

He admits he’s the son of ‘Bootstrap’ Bill Turner and threatens to kill himself if Elizabeth isn’t set free and the crew injured in any way. This results in Elizabeth getting dumped on the same island Jack got marooned on with Jack himself not too far behind. Say, now that we’re here, how did you get off this island the last time? Well, as it turns out the island was formerly used as a cache for rum-running and the last time Jack happened to run into said rum-runners and bartered for passage off the island three days after he was left there. Impressive indeed. Elizabeth is not as impressed. However, there is a bunch of rum left over and Jack can’t help but imbibe. Elizabeth then hatches an idea of her own which involves a lot of rum drinking and bad singing. Believe me, it gets smarter later.

One thing I’d also like to mention is how on the commentary track with director Gore Verbinski, he says that he considers this part with Jack and Elizabeth on the island to be the weakest part of the script since while they’re here on this island nothing of value is learned by either of the two characters. I guess I can see what he means, but I don’t think this is the right movie to do that sort of thing or the right characters to ‘learn a lesson’ as it were. Ultimately this scene is what leads to the two of them getting found by the Royal Navy which keeps the story moving forward at the very least and once again shows off how clever Elizabeth can be by burning all of the rum to create a giant signal fire while Jack is passed out drunk. It also leads to this classic moment.

Why’s the rum gone?!

However, if we want to talk about moral value between our leads, first there are two of them that need to be written more interestingly and relatable for that to come across, and this is literally a movie about pirates. The entire point is that they’re selfish, immoral crooks, just embrace it! Anyway, Jack humorously considers using his shot on Elizabeth for the loss of the rum until they’re eventually recovered by the Royal Navy and Governor Swann. Their initial reaction is to just bring Elizabeth back to Port Royal safe and sound, but Elizabeth wants to save Will. She eventually ends up convincing Commodore Norrington to help her by accepting his wedding proposal. Still creepy, dude. He then changes his mind and has Jack help the Navy set a course for Isla de Muerta which is of course where our climax will take place.

In the meantime Barbossa’s crew gets ready to sacrifice Will for their cause, but not before giving us the backstory on Bootstrap Bill. Yay, even more talking! Sure Lee Arenberg’s delivery along with Mackenzie Crook’s interjections makes it interesting and a little funny to listen to, but you’re really pushing my limits of exposition movie. Saying that out loud only cements how screwed I am for At World’s End. Upon reaching Isla de Muerta, Barbossa’s crew unloads their blood sacrifice and the Navy surrounds the island unbeknownst to the pirates inside. Elizabeth unsuccessfully tries to warn the Navy of the pirates and their inability to die while Jack makes his way into the island to negotiate with Barbossa.

It’s not possible…

You literally put him on the same island he escaped from before, what part of that is not possible?!

To me, what’s next is probably Jack’s best moments because his plans that he was formulating earlier in his jail cell are now coming together. It’s a bit complicated, but Jack ends up convincing Barbossa he’s on his side by warning him and his crew about the presence of the Navy and telling them they shouldn’t lift the curse until the Navy is “dealt with”. Then Jack says that by taking out the Navy, Barbossa can take the Dauntless as his own and thereby have the makings of his own personal fleet so long as he lets Jack be captain of the Pearl again. As consolation, Jack offers Barbossa 10% of whatever he plunders on the Pearl and by taking this offer, Jack says he’ll do whatever he can to ensure Barbossa earns the title ‘Commodore’. I’m not really sure how that’s going to work, I imagine corruption and manipulation has a lot to do with it though, and either way it leads to this funny line too.

I suppose in exchange you want me not to kill the whelp?

No no no, not at all. By all means kill the whelp.

It’s also here that Jack subtly winks to Will confirming that this is intended to be a double cross (or whatever numbered cross we’re on at this point) and plays with the cursed treasure a little bit. Barbossa is now thoroughly convinced and blinded by the prospect of Commodore, and sends the rest of his crew out to start dispatching of the Navy.

Still cool.

Before the pirates make it to the Dauntless, Elizabeth ends up escaping to free the rest of the captured crew on the Black Pearl leaving her father completely dumbfounded. The pirates then start their attack, yet the best part of this attack is strangely Governor Swann fighting with this disembodied hand.

Of course it’s not the main focus of the fight, but it’s definitely funny that the movie decides to just randomly keep cutting back to it. Also, I think Governor Swann has a lot of funny moments in this movie. While he’s not one of the major players, usually he gets a good chuckle whenever he’s onscreen and this instance is no exception. Back with Barbossa and Jack it’s revealed that Jack double, triple, or quadruple crossed Barbossa when Jack randomly starts fighting them. Here it’s also revealed that when Jack was playing with the cursed treasure earlier he intentionally took a medallion from the chest, because when Barbossa stabs him through the stomach and he stumbles into the moonlight: this happens.

That’s interesting.

I couldn’t resist, mate.

That’s pretty cool.

Really the majority of the climax is cutting back and forth between the fight happening on the Dauntless and the fight on Isla de Muerta in front of the stone chest. Eventually Elizabeth makes her way into Isla de Muerta after freeing the crew on the Black Pearl and she goes to help Will and Jack. After a lot of sword fighting, going back-and-forth between moonbeams, and stomach grenade-ing, Jack eventually shoots Barbossa. Wait, isn’t Barbossa still cursed? Actually no, because a few seconds ago Jack passed his medallion to Will and he only just now lifted the curse by returning both lost medallions to the chest and using his blood. It then leads to this pretty cool moment.

I feel…cold.

You know, for the longest time I thought he said “I feel old.” I’m kinda torn on which line I prefer, because I think both have a certain appeal to them. Mostly because both involve him getting feeling back for the first time right as he’s dying.

So Barbossa dies and the curse is lifted for the rest of the pirates which is when Gore Verbinski says on the commentary track that it’s this point where you realize the movie was kind of about something. With this I definitely see what he means. These pirates have spent their entire lives up until this point trying to get this curse lifted, and now that they have they’re about to lose everything else. Now they’ll be sent off to jail at the hands of whatever Navy soldiers they haven’t killed yet and probably sentenced to be hanged, and it’s all highlighted in this powerfully quiet moment.

But with the main threat of the movie taken care of, what’s left for us to do?

Oh right, we have to hang Jack too! Gotta keep those sequels from screwing things up.

Dammit Will! So I guess we can blame him for the sequels.

Naturally through some wacky antics they manage to free Jack, but the Navy is hot on their trail! Not to worry, Jack and Will have…a rope! Huh, you really think that’s gonna work?

Well, shows what I know.

Luckily the Navy gets the strength to recover from that rope and they corner Jack and Will with their guns. Oh right, gun beats rope! However Elizabeth steps in revealing that she cares more for Jack and Will as pirates than she does for Commodore Norrington as a Naval officer. This breaks his heart and my patience which eventually results in Jack escaping, but not before giving us this gem.

Elizabeth…it would never have worked between us darling.

I reserve the right to be kind of into you for the next two movies.

Jack exits as gracefully as you would expect and gets picked up by his crew mates who now see the pirate’s code as more guidelines than actual rules. He’s renamed the captain of the Black Pearl and we end what’s definitely the best Pirates of the Caribbean movie.

Drink up me hearties yo-ho!

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I think the main takeaway from a film like this is that you shouldn’t think about it too hard. It certainly has moments like I mentioned previously that are hard to believe and stretch your suspension of disbelief, but when you look past those elements, you can still appreciate a fun adventure with some great action, energy, and laughs. Where I draw the line is with the characters that don’t add anything to the story and actively drag it down. Namely Will and Elizabeth. Mostly Will though. Don’t get me wrong, I did point out moments where Elizabeth was interesting and even funny, but the way I see it: would you watch this movie if she was the focus? Exactly. Would you watch this movie if Will was the focus? Definitely not. At least how the characters are currently written and, in Will’s case, acted.

What’s undeniable however is the lasting impression this film had on the people who saw it, because it managed to bring a concept like pirates back into the mainstream again. At the time this film came out ‘pirates as a blockbuster hit’ was practically unheard of. I suppose it goes to show that when you take a new spin on any concept, even if it seems tired on the surface, it can give you some really unforgettable moments. Sure we’ve all heard of pirates hunting for treasure, but have you ever heard of pirates giving treasure back? Oh, tell me more. That’s essentially what this movie boils down to, yet it does of course still keep to the basic idea of what a pirate is: robbing and killing for their own selfish ends. If you’re looking for an off-beat adventure for this weekend movie night, this is a hearty party you won’t want to miss.

As far as ratings are concerned, I feel like this movie has earned itself a 4/5 skeletons. The good moments are still really good and I think they do a great job of overshadowing the more boring parts of the film that either involve long boring conversations or boring unneeded characters. I can see people being off-put by that sort of thing though (heck, it was trying my patience as you saw) which is why I can’t give it a 4.5/5 unfortunately.

Other Pirates Reviews

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales

(I make no claim of ownership for any of the images used in this post)

(Each of them are owned entirely by their respective copyright holders, which are not me)

(I’m just a humble blogger who talks about movies, I do not make them)

(Yet)