Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides

Disclaimer:

The film I’ll be reviewing this week is rated: PG-13

Some content and images included will be unsuitable for children.

Wanna know something funny? I actually forgot my usual movie review process prior to starting this review and ended up watching this movie before I wrote this intro. However, everything was so forgettable that I still don’t remember what happened in the movie as I’m writing this! I guess it comes back around full circle that way, but that doesn’t bode well for the film’s quality at all. I remember there being something about mermaids at one point which were kinda cool, Penélope Cruz was in it, and Blackbeard was…there. That’s pretty much it though. Outside of all that it was a pretty generic action adventure flick that easily could’ve been released by the SyFy channel as opposed to a big name company like Disney. So I guess the question now isn’t so much “Is this a good movie,” (because it clearly isn’t) it’s more “Is this movie better or worse than the last one?”

You might think that’s an easy question to answer considering how bad the last film was. If you happened to read my review of it, you may remember me saying in my conclusion that I would “Always remember the bad taste this film left in my mouth,” which is definitely a mountain of bad for On Stranger Tides to go up against. However it does beg the question “What’s better: a memorable disaster, or a forgettable yawn?” Would you rather watch a bonkers catastrophe, or mind-numbing TV static? I hate to make it sound like I’m defending At World’s End by any means because I do not intend to. Despite what On Stranger Tides is, I still 100% hate At World’s End and would rather drown in the Pirates of the Caribbean amusement park ride than watch it again, but would I rather watch On Stranger Tides than watch At World’s End again? Well, I guess that’s what I’m here to find out.

Wake up your sleepy Ian McShanes and let’s take a trip to the Fountain of Indiana Jones with Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides.

Oh, Disney changed the logo again...
Sure.

We open on this fishing boat getting a pretty good haul.

*I guess we're shipping this to Pelegostos island.*

As it turns out the guy isn’t dead and they end up taking him to the city of Cádiz, Spain because he has a journal with him which includes information on the location of the Fountain of Youth. Remember when this used to be a Pirates movie? Me neither. As it turns out, there’s someone at this…palace…place…thing who can help them. This is The Spaniard. Yes, that’s literally what he’s billed as: The Spaniard (played by Óscar Jaenada). So he sets out to find the Fountain of Youth himself. It’s unclear why he wants to do that since we know nothing about him yet and it’s unclear why the movie felt the need to focus on this. The focus of these films has always been Jack Sparrow and the people associated with him and the movie will immediately shift to these characters after this cold open and stick with them for the vast majority of the rest of the film, so this is just 3 and a half minutes we’ll never get back.

After the title card, we cut to London where the movie tries to fake us out with this reveal:

*Now appearing before the court, the notorious and infamous pirate, pillager, and highwayman: Captain Jack Sparrow!*

Totally got me with that bag headed figure having a physique that in no way resembles Johnny Depp!

Here we have Gibbs, or Joshamee Gibbs to his family (played again again by Kevin McNally), being put on trial for crimes that Jack committed which becomes a bit clearer and funnier when this happens:

Not only is this image alone pretty chuckle-worthy, it gets funnier when we see shots of court officials exchanging bribe money, and Jack being introduced as Justice Smith which I'm pretty sure is a reference to the first movie.

It’s unclear what exactly is happening here as well. Jack (played for the fourth time by Johnny Depp) disguised as a judge ends up sentencing his own trusted first mate to life in prison but it’s later revealed that Jack is still working with Gibbs to find the Fountain of Youth. Why then did they need to pretend Gibbs was Jack and have Jack impersonate a judge? Was that a pivotal part of their plan that they wouldn’t have been able to carry out if they didn’t have that step? I will give them this, while not being a major part of their ‘Find the Fountain of Youth’ plan, Gibbs was at least originally sentenced to be hanged which makes it nice that Jack went in to save him from that fate. The only rub is that they end up getting captured, surprising I know, and taken to see King George anyway. It’s unclear which George this is, (played by that guy you kinda remember from the 90’s: Richard Griffiths) who is coincidentally also looking for the Fountain of Youth and wants Jack to show him the way. As far as a captain for this expedition is concerned, the King has elected the help of a very special someone:

It's always great seeing you in these movies!

Barbossa (played for the…third? No, I’ll say fourth time by Geoffrey Rush) is now a privateer under the conscription of the English Royal Navy. As it turns out, after he left Jack without the Pearl at the end of the last movie he ended up losing it along with his leg which gets Jack so mad he mounts an escape. While not the most energetic escape sequence I’ve seen in this franchise so far, it can be somewhat interesting to watch given Jack’s general cleverness and ingenuity in pulling it off. However, I will say that if this were an audience member’s introduction to the character of Jack Sparrow it wouldn’t be nearly as strong as the first film. Just think for a second. If this were the first film and Curse, Chest, and End didn’t exist: this would be our introduction to the infamous, swashbuckling Captain Jack Sparrow and it’s kinda disappointing. The escape sequence is kinda slow-paced which is odd considering that’s the exact opposite problem of the last film. In At World’s End the action tended to be way too fast and cut around too often making it difficult for you to get invested. In this film they hold on shots longer which is great, but the actors themselves seem to move slower too which slows the action down and doesn’t get your blood pumping like in Curse or select moments from Chest. Since the actors are just kinda meandering it also makes the audience ask questions like “Why didn’t they just shoot Jack when they had him surrounded” or “Why didn’t they shoot him when he was standing at the window” or “Why didn’t they shoot him on the chandelier?” Granted, this is only if they haven’t already fallen asleep. Most of this action sequence can be summed up by the Royal Guards’ refusal to shoot things and their lack of coordination.

Also, this happens for no reason:

*Is that it?*
Thanks random Judi Dench cameo?

Then the sequence ends with another one of these:

They bring back Keith Richards to play Jack’s father once again and he’s once again pointless. His appearance isn’t interesting because, much like the last movie, he isn’t offering any insight on Jack’s past, he’s just spewing more exposition. Sure he has 1 good line like he did in the last film too, but it doesn’t justify his appearance. Jack needs 2 chalices to complete the ritual at the Fountain of Youth and this whole time Jack has been followed by someone pretending to be him. That detail is so unimportant I didn’t feel the need to mention it until now. It looks like Jack may have finally cornered his impostor at a bar and they cross swords. Great to see the franchise is learning its lesson from the last film and getting the sword fights going quickly, but there is another thing about this sequence I can’t help but overlook: it’s very reminiscent of the first movie. It’s hard for me to tell if this is the franchise trying to have a sort of ‘Return to Form’ or if this is just plain plagiarism.

One thing that I should note is that this movie is directed by Rob Marshall while the first 3 were directed by Gore Verbinski, so it’s possible this is a case of inspiration over copying, but you can’t rule it out as not a rip-off either. What I’m getting at is that the first film had a fight between Will and Jack in Will’s smithy and the fight here is between Jack and his impostor in a bar, but the fight choreography is very similar to the fight between Will and Jack in the first one along with the zany cartoon-ish tone of it all, the back room of the bar is surprisingly similar to the look and feel of Will’s smithy, and the person Jack’s fighting against will eventually become his ally like in the first one. Speaking of becoming allies with the impostor, who is the impostor?

This is Angelica (played by Penélope Cruz) who’s supposed to be Jack’s long-lost lover. I see, this movie isn’t ripping off Curse, it’s ripping off every Indiana Jones movie ever made! Better? Yeah, with the introduction of pointless characters we haven’t heard about up until now and the movie trying to act like they’ve always been a part of the story how could I not make the Indiana Jones comparison? Basically, Angelica is the Elizabeth stand-in except less interesting. Considering that Elizabeth’s interest only stretched so far you can see why Angelica’s would be practically non-existent. Also they totally missed out on the opportunity to make a joke about how Jack’s impostor was a woman the whole time. Mostly because Jack already has some very effeminate mannerisms and a crap ton of eyeliner I think that could’ve been funny, however they don’t make that joke so I’mma just call it dumb. Not only is Angelica pretty pointless and boring (even though she’s played by a great actress), she and Jack also have literally no chemistry. These 2 are supposed to have loved each other a long time ago yet they argue like the couple from Twister most of the time and whenever they do have a romantic moment it never feels believable. How many times do these movies have to make it obvious that they’re just doing whatever the heck they want to make money? Well, at least 1 more time.

Jack and Angelica (mostly Jack, though) end up getting caught by the Royal Guard and they escape through a convenient trapdoor in the floor that’s right above the Thames River. In a bar. Not only is the likelihood of something like this happening extremely small (yet movies keep having their main characters do it), the fall into the Thames River would’ve killed them. Why? Because back in the day, the Thames was full of sewage, bodily fluids, and diseases like cholera, typhoid, and many others that were a death sentence to anyone who felt the need to take a dip in it. They somehow make it out of there though and Angelica reveals that she was only impersonating Jack so she could get his attention and lure him in. So Jack gets (say it with me)

CAPTURED

and now seems like a great time to cut away to Gibbs and Barbossa.

Honestly, the main thing that gets me about this is how if Barbossa was just going to threaten Gibbs with being hanged anyway, why even have that opening with Jack and Gibbs in London? You could’ve just as easily had the movie start with Jack drinking by his lonesome in that same bar until he encountered Angelica in disguise and then have the scene of Gibbs with Barbossa. Not only do I think that would be a better way to keep the story more focused in a series that for some reason thrives on complexity, but wouldn’t the reveal of Barbossa as a privateer be that much more interesting and create layers for the script for when Jack eventually encounters Barbossa later in the movie? Us as the audience would know that Barbossa’s life had significantly changed since the last movie, but Jack wouldn’t know that until at least the halfway point which is where they could explore more with it and reveal the stuff about Barbossa’s leg and the Pearl then. Anyway, to save his own skin, Gibbs takes the map to the Fountain and burns it in front of Barbossa. Why? Well, Gibbs took it upon himself to memorize the entire map before he did that, so now Barbossa can’t hang Gibbs if he wants to find the Fountain.

Back with Jack, he wakes up on an unfamiliar ship where we’re officially introduced to the character Scrum (played by Stephen Graham) and we definitely return to classic Pirates territory with a butt-ton of exposition.

*Many a man's woken up at sea, no idea what, when, wherefore, or why. No memory of the night afore, whence he signed up and drank away all his bonus money.*

*'Scuse me, Captain Sparrow, sir, I be right honored to welcome you aboard our world-renowned vessel of infamy:* ***Queen Anne's Revenge***.

*Blackbeard*.
You gotta love this movie's "Tell don't Show" approach to storytelling.
Also, I'm not even a history buff and I knew the name of Blackbeard's ship was Queen Anne's Revenge, you didn't need to spell it out.

We’re now in this franchise’s comfort zone with long drawn-out explanations of things we don’t care about given by characters we don’t care about. I’ll give you the TL;DW: Blackbeard has certain members of his crew zombified to make them obedient and susceptible to suggestion, one particular person aboard the ship is being punished for being a missionary, the first mate of the ship is Angelica, and she brought the missionary onto the ship for reasons we’ll get into later. When Jack finds out about this he corners Angelica below deck and they have another argument. Later we find out that Jack actually had feelings for her in the past, it wasn’t just a passing fancy. Can’t you just tell from the way he holds a sharp hook up to her neck? Love works in mysterious ways. Also we have a brief cut back to Gibbs and Barbossa making their way to the Fountain with Gibbs’ help. They come across the Spaniards and The Spaniard on their way to the Fountain as well, but they seem content on leaving Barbossa and his crew to their own devices since they’re dead set on getting to the Fountain as soon as possible.

Well that was fun, how’re Jack and the rest of Blackbeard’s crew doing? They’re planning a mutiny since they never see Blackbeard, like ever, and they’re thinking that it’s possible he may not be on the ship at all. Also, this kid really reminds me of Elizabeth.

I don't know, he just has a strong Keira Knightley look to him.
Just thought I'd get that off my chest.

I will also give a bit of credit to the actors portraying Blackbeard’s crew. They’re kinda goofy and absent-minded and some of the things they say can be at least somewhat giggle-worthy. Unfortunately they don’t make up for the rest of the paint-by-numbers Pirate concepts we have in the rest of the movie, but granted that’s not their job so I don’t blame them for that. After Elizabeth’s real son delivers all of the swords on the ship to the crew, they’re able to begin their mutiny in earnest which is also pretty reminiscent of the first movie. Not only are the zombified crew members immortal much like the cursed pirates of the first film (and Davy Jones’ crew for that matter), but the mutiny they carry out feels much like the final battle between the cursed pirates and the Navy in the first film, and they even play the same song from the first film that played during the climax (or at least one that’s very similar to it). In the end, is there anything here that’s pushing the boundaries of what can be done with this concept? Everything feels so much like cut-and-paste that it’s hard to get invested in anything, and speaking of not getting invested in things: enter Blackbeard (played by Ian McShane).

In all fairness, look at him. He looks like Blackbeard come to life. Look at a rendition of Blackbeard and then look at Ian McShane in this role. This should be perfect.

Even though they managed to get the look spot-on, the feel is greatly lacking. It’s hard to describe it in a medium where you can’t hear the performance for yourself, but he just sounds and acts so off in this role to the point where it feels like a miscast. Remember those renditions of Blackbeard that I showed you not long ago? Don’t those images just exude intimidation, strength, and ruthlessness? Isn’t that just the absolute image of a pirate to you? Now compare it to lines like these:

*I be placed in a bewilderment. There I were...resting*.

*And what fate befalls mutineers? Now we know the answer to that...do we not?*

*If I don't kill a man every now and then they forget who I am.*

Imagine the real Blackbeard saying anything like that!

If I’m being honest, I probably wouldn’t care nearly as much if this were just another pirate made up for the sake of the story. Barbossa in the first movie clearly fits that description (he had charm and intimidation to him simultaneously), and while the origin behind Davy Jones is based on real folklore they at least manage to do a lot with his character (particularly in the second film). Sure you want your antagonists in these stories to have a bit of bite to them (whether they’re real or fake) purely for the sake of making the protagonist(s)’s struggle all the more real, but Blackbeard is an actual depiction of a historical figure in a fictitious setting. While I’m not saying that you want to give this person respect necessarily (he is still a historical criminal), at least give us something that you would expect given those noteworthy artistic interpretations. Actually make it feel like history come to life to the point where you could reasonably see the actual historical figure doing similar things. Instead I can’t help but think this is the real impostor in this movie as opposed to Angelica dressed as Jack earlier. There’s no way this is the real Blackbeard.

That and what Blackbeard is capable of doing in this movie is pretty vague. He just randomly has magic powers (we already went over his zombified crew), a sword that controls his ship, voodoo dolls that hardly play a part in the story, shrunken ships in bottles (the Black Pearl is included among them), one of his crew members can see into the future, and…fire…I guess? Does literally every antagonist in these movies have to be some vague supernatural threat? I probably would’ve liked it much better if Blackbeard was just a regular pirate but what made him powerful was the stories of his exploits. He would be such an intimidating and ruthless pirate to the point that the Navy wouldn’t dare touch him. That to me would be a lot more effective and give us something different in these movies. But nope, he’s just magic because magic. Whoop-de-doo. Also Angelica’s his daughter and she brought the missionary on board the ship to try and convert him. Moving on.

*The Quartermaster sees things before they happen. He has foreseen my death*.
Can it at least happen in less than 2 hours?

So Blackbeard talks about being killed at the hands of a one-legged man (GoLlY, i WoNdEr WhO tHaT iS), and shows off the voodoo doll I mentioned earlier.

Did you see Jack's face? Even he looked like "Oh, well that's a thing."

So what now? In order for the Fountain to work you need to get a mermaid’s tear. Where are mermaids you might ask? White Cap Bay. Where/what is White Cap Bay?

…

Great question…

Now our good friend Barbossa sets his course (with Gibbs’ help) for White Cap Bay. Ultimately we don’t really need these scenes of Barbossa making his way to the Fountain, but since Barbossa is the best part of this movie I’ll take whatever I can get. Also, Jack and Angelica have a…moment. I don’t want to call it a romantic moment because that would imply there’s actual emotion involved, but it’s at least…a moment.

It's so beautiful! Truly this is one of the greatest couples of all time!

Jack Sparrow and Penélope Cruz.
Yeah, I already forgot her name.
What was it again?

They eventually make it to White Cap Bay and we get to see the mermaids for the first time. Out of everything else that’s in this movie, the mermaids are easily one of the most memorable things from it. Unlike mermaids that you’ve likely seen in other areas (and even from other Disney properties) these mermaids are a bit more like sirens: luring seafaring men to their watery graves and peeling the flesh off their bones. Damn, that’s hardcore! They can leap out of the water like dolphins to attack their prey (even if that can look a bit silly at times) and they also have grappling hooks made out of seaweed (…I think?).

Also, the song that Scrum sings to lure the mermaids in is really catchy to me. Especially when this first mermaid joins in and gets to show off her singing chops it only makes me enjoy it more. In case you’re curious, it’s called ‘Jolly Sailor Bold’ and you can probably look it up on whatever service you use to stream music on. Weirdly it’s this part that sticks in my head the most after the movie is over.

Blackbeard’s crew faces off against the most memorable part of the film until eventually Jack manages to get to the nearby lighthouse and blow it up causing them to disperse. Not after losing a significant number of crew members to mermaids though. However, I wish they showed the sailors getting ripped to pieces by the mermaids. Mostly what they do is just have the mermaids grab them and pull them under the water which is definitely brutal, but not as brutal as tearing them apart and eating them. It’s implied that that’s what they do, but…I kinda wanna see them do it. Luckily they manage to get their hands on the cutest of the mermaids (played by Astrid Bergès-Frisbey). By ‘they’ I mean the missionary (which now is probably a good time to say he’s played by Sam Claflin) who’ll become more of a character after this happens. Since we already have our Elizabeth stand-in with Angelica, the missionary is more or less our Will stand-in so prepare to be unfazed by him.

Barbossa and his crew eventually make it to White Cap Bay as well and their ship ends up getting massacred by mermaids. Barbossa doesn’t seem to mind though.

*I hear nothing but seagulls nesting.* *What is it that you hear, Mr. Groves?*

...Seagulls nesting.
Heck, if Barbossa doesn't care I don't care.
Also, is that the same guy from the first movie?

*That's got to be the best pirate I've ever seen.*
Yeah, it is!

So they trek through the jungle until - wait, this seems like the perfect opportunity for pedantic writing! The ritual involving the Fountain has to be carried out like this: you take both chalices and fill them with water from the Fountain while only one of them gets the mermaid’s tear. The person who drinks from the chalice with the tear gets all the years from the other person who drinks from the chalice without the tear including the years they’ve already lived, and the years they could’ve lived. Cool. That and the missionary starts growing attached to the mermaid. Like I said: Will stand-in.

This makes way for even more pedantic writing where they eventually make their way to a cliff with a river below and for some reason one of them has to jump into the river. It’s not explained why, but I’ll count my blessings because no explanation is better than an explanation in these movies. What they do to decide who jumps (instead of Blackbeard doing the simple thing of threatening to shoot Angelica if Jack doesn’t jump) is grab 6 pistols, remove the shots from all but 2, and have Jack pick pistols to shoot at Angelica. Oh my gosh, does everything have to be complicated in these movies?! In the end this of course amounts to Jack jumping and surviving (shocking, I know). Why go through this time-wasting bull crap if we can just have a person jump and move on?! If someone wanted to eat a bagel in these movies they’d first have to do a handstand, juggle 5 kittens, swim the entire perimeter of the Caribbean Sea, and walk on hot coals on their way to the bakery. Don’t even get me started on what they’d have to do before paying!

Also, how bad is it that you’ve gotten so used to spewing exposition that you just start doing it to no one.

***The Santiago***. Famously captained by Ponce de Leon.

Back with the crew, the case they’re carrying the mermaid in breaks and we see that when mermaids go on land they turn human. This had to be a first draft for Luca, right? Also, the missionary takes this as an opportunity to grow even more fond of the mermaid by carrying her in his arms since she has trouble walking and naming her Syrena. Okay, I’ll concede some ground. Angelica and Jack aren’t one of the greatest couples of all time, it’s missionary boy and Syrena! People will be talking about their undying love for centuries to come! That and eventually Blackbeard leads them to a clearing full of pools where he decides to torture Syrena until she gives them a tear. Considering the aforementioned fondness blossoming between Syrena and missionary dude, Blackbeard tortures missionary guy to try and get Syrena to cry but it doesn’t work. I don’t blame her either.

Meanwhile, Jack goes onto the rickety unbalanced ship only to find Barbossa already there and they work together to find the chalices. Once they locate the chest they’re supposed to be kept in they find only rocks in their place. The Spanish have already beat them to the chalices. Honestly it’s surprising that Barbossa didn’t know that considering he already knew the Spanish were after the Fountain and were already ahead of him and his crew, but whatever. Details, details. Jack and Barbossa end up forming a brief alliance for the sake of acquiring the chalices from the Spanish at their camp. It’s…an interesting plan they come up with to say the least.

Despite their best efforts, Jack and Barbossa end up getting…ugh…captured. Here we also see that Barbossa’s peg leg has another use.

I think Barbossa's my favorite character.

Not only is Geoffrey Rush always giving 100% no matter what role he’s in, but he can get some pretty good comedic moments such as this one and whenever he talks about exposition stuff I always feel inclined to listen. This is mostly because of his investment in the material like in the case of Curse where he was describing the ins and outs of the curse itself. I was still captivated by his brief appearance in Chest just for his stage presence alone. In End I really wanted to pay attention to what he was talking about but it was only because what he was talking about made absolutely no sense that I couldn’t keep up. At the very least he seemed like he knew what he was talking about. Then for this one it’s surprisingly intriguing the way he describes how he lost the Pearl and his leg to Blackbeard. Personally I would’ve preferred something more like some visuals to accompany his exposition that would draw us in even more, but just based on Rush’s acting I felt invested for a moment in a movie that has practically 0 investment.

Jack then shimmies his way up the tree trunk he’s tied to and starts escaping with his trusty rope!

What is with the assholes in these movies and being stopped by a rope?!

This is the second time a fully armed military force was defeated by swole yarn!

Eventually Jack makes it back to Blackbeard’s group, sets Gibbs free by giving him his magic compass, and they make their way to the Fountain itself. I will give the movie this as well: the entrance to the Fountain is surprisingly interesting.

You jump into it and it takes you to the Fountain above.

It’s actually kinda cool! The Fountain itself however is honestly pretty lame.

For a bit of comparison, here’s some artistic renditions of the Fountain of Youth I found on the internet and try telling me you wouldn’t prefer seeing one of these in the cinema over whatever the frick that was:

Sorry for the censorship. This isn't that kind of blog.

Before anyone can begin the ritual however, Barbossa bursts in with his crew of Navy and they start to fight. Jack intervenes for a second though because he has an idea. Ultimately Barbossa just wants to kill Blackbeard, so why do the rest of them have to fight? Why not just let Barbossa and Blackbeard duke it out and all the other crew members hang out on the sidelines? You know what, that actually makes a lot of sense, but it’s probably because it makes sense that the movie doesn’t follow through with it. Instead we get a big all-out brawl with everybody trying to kill each other, get the ritual items, and just generally not die. Missionary boi ends up getting slashed pretty hard in the middle of it and leaves with little to no resistance to get back to Syrena. Oh right, she’s in this movie!

Oh, and these guys too! Aren't you glad we opened the movie with them?

So the Spanish, including The Spaniard, come in to throw a wrench into everyone’s plan by doing whatever they can to destroy the Fountain. It’s their firm belief as Catholics that only God can grant eternal life, so they denounce everyone there for trying to gain it for themselves. What’s also pretty dumb about this is why didn’t the Spanish destroy the chalices when they had them in their possession earlier? Yeah, that one guy was just sitting polishing the chalices instead of crushing them! Dumbass. In the confusion Barbossa ends up impaling Blackbeard with his poisoned sword thereby proving the prophecy true (Oh right, there was a prophecy in this too!) and Angelica tries to save him but gets poisoned herself. Dumbass. With everything crumbling around them, courtesy of the Spanish, Jack manages to just barely get a hold of the cracked chalices, fill them with water, put the tear in one, and give them to Blackbeard and Angelica. What do you think’s gonna happen then? Remember the chalice with the tear gives life and the other without the tear takes it away. Of course, Jack tricks Blackbeard into drinking from the death chalice! Honestly though, the stupidest thing about this is how Blackbeard just blindly took Jack’s word on which chalice was good and which one was bad. When did you start trusting Jack on anything? Dumbass! I will admit though, this does give way to a pretty badass death scene for Blackbeard.

How many reviewers have made that joke already? Probably all of them, but dammit it's funny!

Just in case you were one of the few people who cared about this: Syrena saves missionary bro’s life. I can’t wait for them not to be utilized in the next one! So what happens to Angelica now?

We also get a brief denouement from Barbossa as he takes over the Queen Anne’s Revenge using the sword he took from Blackbeard. Also, I’m not entirely sure why but I kinda get chills whenever I see Barbossa put his old hat back on. Certainly more chills than I got from Jack putting his hat back on after the Kraken spat it out in Chest. Barbossa sets off for Tortuga to reclaim his pirate life with his new set of magical trinkets and Jack meets up with Gibbs again who managed to make off with every bottled ship left over from the Queen Anne’s Revenge, including the Black Pearl herself. Jack actually gives a pretty decent reasoning behind why he didn’t drink from the Fountain. In the end eternal life is a life without thrills. That’s essentially what it boils down to and I kinda respect that. What I don’t respect is this incredibly underwhelming final line.

Oh, well I guess that's it then.
...Sure.

That’s probably the best way to sum up this movie: …sure.

As you may have assumed, this movie is pretty dull. Like I said in my intro, the biggest thing you’ll probably take away from this movie is the mermaid stuff because it was pretty cool. Even the song they sing is very hummable and I find myself humming it from time-to-time, but that’s basically it. While I’m writing this conclusion the details of the film are already starting to slip away which is definitely not what you want if you wanted to engage your audience with creative action, interesting locations, fun characters, and energetic slapstick. Once when I watched this movie during the week I ended up seeing if the movie could crack even one emotion out of me in a single viewing. Suffice to say, you could essentially watch this whole film with the exact same neutral expression.

The ultimate question however is what do I think about the question I posed in the intro now? Do I consider this film to be better or worse than At World’s End? In the end I’d say this film is worse than At World’s End. What makes me say that? Well, to At World’s End’s very little credit it at least had characters we recognized and expanded their personalities (even if it was very badly done), built off of the story line set up by the previous film (even if it was done badly), and tried to give us something different (even if that also didn’t work out). On Stranger Tides turns out to be a nothing film. Sure it has action, it has characters we know, and it has few interesting ideas, but its loyalties are clearly tied to franchising and not entertainment. I suppose if you watched this movie out of context of the other 4 it wouldn’t be that bad, it’d just be your run-of-the-mill action adventure flick that you can add to your list of background noise films like rom coms and Adam Sandler projects, but that’s not what the first Pirates movie was. This franchise began on a creatively silly idea, but most importantly it was a creatively risky idea that they were able to make the most of given the passion they put into it. On Stranger Tides has none of that. It’s completely soulless and is clearly trying to be a groundbreaking action adventure film, but it turns out that it’s only capable of copying great action adventure films instead of actually giving us one.

To give you more of an idea of how I came to this conclusion, I think my viewing experiences between At World’s End and On Stranger Tides speaks volumes. Sure when I watched At World’s End last week with my sister we ended up getting our hands on as many rum cocktails as we could find and tearing into it with no remorse but having a good time while doing it. Although, when we watched On Stranger Tides together this week we had practically nothing to say about it during the whole viewing and we spent most of it not talking, not drinking, and fiddling around on other electronic devices. When you get down to it On Stranger Tides is ultimately the better film overall since it doesn’t have nearly as many confusing plot details or pointless filler, but (and I can’t believe I’m saying this) if I had the choice to watch On Stranger Tides again or At World’s End again I’d rather watch At World’s End. At least it would get more emotions out of me than this Blackbeard snore-fest.

As far as my rating is concerned, I think this film has earned itself 2/5 sleeping pirates. If I’m feeling generous I think I can bump it up to 2.5/5 because I stand by what I said about overall this film being better than At World’s End. The only thing that splits it for me is that I personally think that a boring snore is worse than an explosion of horrible. At least the explosion of horrible went all out.

(I make no claim of ownership for any of the images used in this post)

(Each of them are owned entirely by their respective copyright holders, which are not me)

(I’m just a humble blogger who talks about movies, I do not make them)

(Yet)

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End