Willow

Disclaimer:

The movie I’ll be reviewing today is rated: PG.

In 1988.

It just got real.

I’m gonna be honest, I’m not entirely sure how to open this review. I have seen this movie once before writing this intro, but I’m having trouble putting my feelings into words. When I did watch this movie I remember having mixed feelings at best since I recall the film being a bit all over the place and trying really hard to be a kid’s fantasy classic when it barely knew how to tell a decent story, yet it still had a certain 80’s charm to it that’s hard to find in most other films like it. Overall I think my impression of it was that it was one of those films that was easy to have a soft spot for (and I understand anyone who does have a soft spot for it), but in the end it’s not that great. Heck, I’d imagine enough people did have a soft spot for it since not too terribly long ago Netflix adapted the story into a show that continues the ideas of the movie, follows the grown up child (I can’t remember her name) into adulthood, and even brings back actors from the original.

Besides that, there are a few things that stand out to me right now. I remember Val Kilmer being engaging to watch, despite not being the best actor it’s still fun seeing Warwick Davis in anything, Patricia Hayes’ character was pretty funny being trapped in various animal bodies until eventually being set free, and that one stop-motion monster that was especially awkward. Mostly it suffers from the same issues The Dark Crystal suffers from such as not having a very well-defined world along with bare bones characters and plot lines. Unlike The Dark Crystal however, Willow doesn’t possess the unique voice, creativity, and passion that The Dark Crystal has. Instead of being a film that was cut down and drastically changed for being too different, it seems like Willow was lengthened out when it didn’t need to be since it was more marketable and safe. In the end I felt like it turned out a relatively lackluster product that I’d rather not rewatch if I could avoid it. Unfortunately that was before I created this blog so now it’s up to me to lay in the bed I made for myself. Although, is there anything that I missed the first time I saw this movie? There’s only one way to find out, so let’s set off on this journey together.

Keep a close eye on that baby and watch out for the evil queen in Willow!

Ah, reading.
Let's be real, the only reason they said "It is a time of dread" is because "It is a time of baby murder" was too real.
That's literally the first thing that happens in the movie!

You know, this should've been a Disney production.
It would've gotten a G!

Kind of like with The Dark Crystal, a lot of the issues with this movie become clear in the first couple minutes. Unlike The Dark Crystal’s intro though, this movie’s opening is almost laughably all over the place! A lot of the acting is ridiculous and awkward even from our main villain: Queen Bavmorda (played by Jean Marsh). Right before we’re introduced to our main villain, one of the memorable characters, Sorsha, (played by Joanne Whalley) just walks by the screen unceremoniously without any sort of character building.

*The omen is true, I must tell my mother.*
That's it.
What kind of an introduction is that?!
We don't even learn her name!

The midwife who delivered the baby we saw is able to escape with the baby insultingly easily, even passing by our big, bad villain in the process.

We later learn that Bavmorda has very powerful magic, so you'd think she'd have some kind of baby monitor spell or something.
Either that or you'd expect the baby to, you know, ***make a noise*** as babies do.
(Sidenote: this is probably the quietest baby in human existence.)
Also, this is the first shot of our baddie.
Even the camera and staging treat her like "Yeah, I'm evil and...stuff."

The midwife is able to travel from the dungeon to the exterior of the castle in about 4 or 5 seconds (I guess she’s The Flash) no doubt bypassing all sorts of other guards in the process who pay no mind to the unattended working-class woman walking out of the castle with a baby-sized container. We get more awkward acting from the mother of the child, even a whisper-y temper tantrum from Bavmorda after she realizes the baby is gone, the opening credits roll as the midwife continues to take care of the baby while also travelling farther and farther away from the castle, and we end this sequence with the midwife putting the baby on a convenient naturally occurring baby raft in a river to protect her from the onslaught of Bavmorda’s 1 headed Cerberuses she has at her beck-and-call. This also results in the midwife getting eaten by the aforementioned 1 headed Cerberuses (Is it Cerberuses or Cerberi?). I guess her Flash powers didn’t work in this instance.

We thank you for your sacrifice random citizen.
For your trouble, we'll definitely remember to credit you.
...definitely.

Bear in mind, everything I just described takes place in the first 4.5 - 5 minutes of the film! I’m sorry, that’s way too much stupid for me to process in one sitting! To be fair, I will give credit to the filmmakers that it definitely gets you prepared for the movie you’re about to watch. Also, one detail I admit I like about this opening is that you start off not knowing who ‘Willow’ is. Pretty much everyone you come across from the mother of the child, the child herself, or the midwife could be Willow until you’re finally introduced to the real Willow Ufgood (played by Warwick Davis) after the child washes up on the river bank outside his house.

One thing I think I should clear up as well is that I mentioned in the opening that Warwick Davis didn’t have the greatest acting in this movie. I do want to dial it back a bit, mostly because that was before I learned that Davis was actually 18 when he played this part. Considering he didn’t have many roles prior to this one and most of them involved physical acting as opposed to verbal acting, I feel compelled to cut him a break for that. It doesn’t take away from the fact that watching him, especially for these first few minutes before he sets out on his journey, can be a little weird. While I think Davis’ facial expressions are pretty good, I feel like it’s his inflections and mannerisms that are off. Once again it’s a bit tricky to convey that through writing when you can’t hear the performance, but I’ll do what I can.

No, no, they'll think it's a bad omen. There'll be a flood, or a drought, and everyone will blame me for it. "Willow Ufgood brought around that Daikini, didn't he? That's right, and he's that lousy farmer, too. Let's get him!"

*Calm down?*
Yeah, what do you mean "Calm down?"
It didn't look or sound like he flew off the handle at all.

Also, it's because of these things that make Willow come across as kind of annoying in these opening minutes.

Personally I think that Warwick Davis, like how I described Ke Huy Quan in my Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom review, has a natural onscreen charisma that can’t really be faked. Because of this I can’t hate Willow for any of these details and is why I always enjoy seeing Davis in any production even if it isn’t especially good. What makes it a bit harder to take is when the story tries to step in and fix it by throwing in a random jerk named Burglekutt (played by Mark Northover) who doesn’t belong in this story.

Like most other random jerks, Burglekutt isn’t especially well-developed, doesn’t have much of a personality outside of ‘jerk’, and is only in the story to make Willow’s monotone whining seem justified. Like every other story structured similarly to this one: Willow longs for something more outside of his mundane life, is underappreciated by everyone around him, and will eventually go on a journey to prove his worth. Burglekutt is no different from Cinderella’s stepsisters whose only purpose is to cause misery in the protagonist’s life so the audience can relate to and feel sympathy for them. Unlike Cinderella’s stepsisters, Burglekutt doesn’t even stay in the story through to the end!

He’s only here for this opening section up until they meet Val Kilmer’s character (about 30 minutes into this 2 hour movie) and has one more split-second scene at the very end. It’s not even like the weight of Burglekutt remains on Willow’s shoulders throughout the entire story either through subtle visuals or well-written dialogue to the point where we can tell that Willow is being motivated by Burglekutt’s misgivings as the story goes on. Like most other characters he’s just ‘there.’ Part of this makes me wonder if this story is being written by following an online storytelling checklist and nothing else. I also totally forgot Burglekutt was a character when I rewatched the movie for this review!

*I seen enough!*
At least we can agree on something.

As it turns out, Willow is a farmer who’s an aspiring sorcerer on the side and doesn’t take well to the sudden appearance of this baby. That is until he holds her for the first time.

*- bundle of joy forever until the end of time!*
Also, I think it's worth mentioning that the best laughs in this movie just come from the baby's facial expressions.

I'm not even gonna caption this.
Whatever you thought of in your head I'm sure is a *million* times funnier than anything I could write here!

Not too long after this, we have a festival with the rest of the Nelwyn (Willow’s race) village which is legit kinda fun. Much like the Podling Party in The Dark Crystal, it’s surprisingly more fun than it has any right to be. During this bit of fun we get a showcase of Willow’s sorcery which is really just a magician act. To me this also begs the question: what’s the point of fake magic if real magic exists in this world? There are literally people who can turn apples into birds, so why is this supposed to be impressive? Willow is also one of the village leader’s apprentice hopefuls for this year, go figure, but he ends up fumbling at the crucial question:

*Now, the power to control the world is in which finger?*
Uh...what?

*No apprentice this year*!
Oh, does that mean we don't get a movie?

Nope, because right after Willow’s failure the 1 headed Cerberi from earlier come in hunting for the baby. For real, I actually kinda like the effects on these vicious animals. I’m pretty sure they managed to accomplish it by putting actual dogs or some other medium-sized four-legged creature in specially crafted costumes which look pretty good. Besides these relatively good effects though, this is still an 80’s movie so quite a few of the effects are pretty dated. However, we’ll get to those when we get to those.

Did you enjoy this scene of the 1 headed Cerberuses?
Yes?!
Well that's great, because this is the last time you'll see them!

After dispatching the attacking animals and discovering what they were looking for, a meeting is called to figure out what should be done. Willow gathers his family, including the baby, and brings them to the town meeting to help protect the village from future attacks. This results in Willow being chosen to take the baby to the crossroads where the Daikini (tall people) civilization is said to intersect with the Nelwyn civilization and find a Daikini to take care of the baby. With the help of Willow’s friend Meegosh (played by David Steinberg), a few Nelwyn soldiers, and Burglekutt, the Fellowship of the Baby sets out on their adventure. Before they leave Willow gets a talking to from the village leader about having faith in himself, because apparently Willow thought of the correct answer to the village leader’s question from earlier only to go back on his instincts and pick something he thought sounded more right.

*You lack faith in yourself! More than anyone in the village, you have the potential to be a great sorcerer!*
Not to sound like Burglekutt, but: what potential?
So far all we've seen him do is just fake magic, we haven't seen him do any real magic.
Is it true that all it takes to be a powerful sorcerer is to have the ability to answer brain teasers?

We also get a goodbye between Willow and his family. This I think is also where some of Davis’ awkwardness comes back into play. To reiterate, I don’t blame him entirely for this, but especially since learning that he was only 18 when he played this role, he comes across less like a father to his supposed children and more like an older brother. This makes even more sense when you find out that Dawn Downing (the actress who played Mims) and Mark Vandebrake (the actor who played Ranon) were only 6 and 8 at the time as well! Knowing this information also kinda makes their dynamic a bit creepy considering that Willow is supposed to be their father despite that his children were born when he would’ve been 10 and 12.

[MIMS] *Are you scared Dada?*
[WILLOW] *No.*

Also Kiaya (played by Julie Peters) gives Willow her hair braid that she chopped off for good luck.

*This will bring you luck*.
Awesome, I can't wait for this to never be mentioned again!
I mean it makes an appearance in one more scene at the very end, but that's it.

Alright, so with us as the audience given the bare bone minimum to go off of, we start our quest to deliver the baby. In the meantime, Sorsha’s having difficulty with her mother. Her mother is Queen Bavmorda. We also get a weird introduction of our side antagonist for the movie: General Kael (played by Pat Roach). Kael has a pretty cool design with this dope looking skull helmet and a relatively intimidating voice -

*My Queen, I have destroyed the castle at Galladoorn.*

- the only problem is that it’s revealed what he looks like way too soon after he’s introduced! It would’ve been so much cooler to just see him in that skull mask only to build up him having this horribly scarred or deformed face closer to the end of the film, but instead we get this:

He just looks like a normal guy!
Also the way he lifted his helmet to reveal his face not even a minute after he was introduced gives me some serious Dark Helmet vibes.
It's almost comical in a way.

Another thing that’s pretty comical is this line.

*I trust [Sorsha's]* *loyalty more than I trust yours.*
It's funny because she's wrong.
Also, this guy says that it was a divine symbol that told him Sorsha would betray Bavmorda one day.
If magic is real shouldn't Bavmorda take this sign more seriously?

Back with the Fellowship, they end up having to hide from Bavmorda’s forces once (where the baby again displays elevated stealth skills I don’t think any child her age is capable of), only to eventually come across the crossroads. Wow, short movie.

No, what happens is that they make it to the crossroads only for every Daikini they come across to be either too uninterested or too imprisoned to care for the baby.

This pile of crap is Madmartigan (played by Val Kilmer) and I don’t believe that he’s at death’s door for a second. Especially in these first few scenes he has, it’s clear that the filmmakers are trying to get us to believe that he’s been in this crow’s cage for a long time. With the dirty outfit, nasty looking teeth, and rudely asking for water, it’s obvious that’s what they’re trying to get across. The problem with this is that Madmartigan is surprisingly spry for someone who’s supposed to be dying of dehydration, his skin looks relatively good, and his voice isn’t in any way scratchy or hoarse. Also, I’m not sure if Madmartigan is just dumb (I mean, he probably is), but when his first hope for salvation comes knocking at his door his first thought is to insult them. I don’t know about you, but if I were in his situation I’d probably be playing the pity card as hard as I possibly could to get some sympathy from these travelers. I wouldn’t care if they’re tall, short, Black, White, young, old, man, woman, just help me out here, please!

With first impressions sufficiently made, Burglekutt decides that the easy thing to do would be to let Madmartigan out of his cage and give the baby to her so they can go home. Sure that’s the easiest thing to do, but it’s not the smartest. Willow understandably objects to this plan which only results in him being laughed at while Burglekutt walks back to the village with everyone else except for Meegosh. Bye Burglekutt, no one will miss you! One thing I feel like I should mention as well is that they stay at the crossroads for a solid 8 minutes after the Fellowship disbands. I’d be able to forgive it much more if it was building essential character or furthering the story in some way, but it doesn’t do that. The only things that happen are Willow and Meegosh fight with Madmartigan, a band of soldiers ride by on horses where we’re introduced to one of Madmartigan’s former friends named Airk (played by Gavan O’Herlihy), and eventually Willow and Meegosh let Madmartigan go so he can look after the baby. That’s it, so why are we trapped here longer than we need to be?

In the end it turns out to be mostly forgettable and the only definitive purpose behind it was to set up Airk for when he reappears in the movie later (which ends up being fruitless since Airk is also a pretty forgettable character) and keep the story moving by letting Madmartigan go. You could’ve done that in 2-3 minutes though, why did you need an extra 5-6 to get that across?

Anyway, Willow and Meegosh head back to the village after giving Madmartigan the baby.

*Absolutely, there's nothing to worry about.*

*Hey look, the punchline to what I just said!*

So it didn’t take long for Madmartigan to screw up babysitting as the baby gets captured by Brownies. What’re Brownies? Tiny people. Tinier than Nelwyn. Basically just regular action figure sized people.

WORLDBUILDING!

Willow and Meegosh chase the Brownies only to get captured by them. Another thing you may notice throughout this movie is that Willow is pretty useless. He doesn’t really do much outside of use a bit of magic here and there because the story was like “Oh, I forgot to give you a reason to be the main character.” Kinda like Frodo he’s basically just the baby-bearer and doesn’t do much outside of that. We’ll get back to this towards the end, but for now the Brownies take the Nelwyn to their…leader? It’s not very well explained, but this is what she looks like:

She also reveals that the baby’s name is Elora Danan, she gives Willow a magic wand, and tells Willow to find the sorceress Raziel to help him. Then she disappears and we never see her again. See what I mean when I say a lot of these characters feel like they’re just ‘there’? Even Galadriel and Celeborn, as little time as they got to shine in the original story, still felt like they had a place in the world that was created for them and had more character outside of speaking entirely in Expositionese. Did this ‘Leader of the Brownies’ character even have a name? I have no idea! Speaking of the Brownies, they’re probably the most divisive characters in the movie. The reason is because after this bit of enchanting looking exposition, two Brownies end up becoming main characters who mainly serve as comic relief. To me they’re just annoying, not very well green-screened, and practically never say/do anything funny.

[BROWNIE 1] *She was exiled by the evil Queen Bavmorda!*
[BROWNIE 2] *No you fool! He does not need to know everything.*
[BROWNIE 1] *I didn't tell him everything...*
[BROWNIE 2] *You told him enough!*
Was that supposed to be funny?

[BROWNIE 2] *This way*.
[BROWNIE 1] *No no no, I don't think so.*
[BROWNIE 2] *Alright, then* ***this*** *way*.
[BROWNIE 1] *Ah nope.* ***This*** *way.*
[BROWNIE 2] ***This*** *way?*
[BROWNIE 1] *That's what I saidUH!*
What?

[BROWNIE 2] *You are not in command here, shorty!*
I don't even think the movie gets that joke.

While I don’t think these characters are the death of comedy (far from it, because believe me I’ve seen a lot worse), they’re mostly just awkward. They’re visually awkward, tonally awkward, and comedically awkward. This isn’t to say that awkward humor can’t be funny, in fact there is a right way to do awkward humor! This isn’t a ding against the time period this movie is set in either, because even despite the cultural and societal differences between the era this movie is set in and the modern world, there can still be a lot of social overlaps that an average audience member can relate to. If someone is trying to derive a sense of humor out of awkwardness then usually the humor is centered around relatable social situations, self-deprecating subject matter, or generally uncomfortable moments in every-day life. Probably one of the most well-known examples of this kind of comedy is the ‘person speaking being ridiculously interrupted by someone else’ joke. Despite the fact that this joke has since been done to death, it still represents the core of awkward comedy: a humorous situation derived from the uncertainty and relatability behind a common everyday occurrence.

The kind of awkward that these jokes are is more awkward in the sense that the writers and filmmakers think the jokes are funnier than they are to the point where they either drag them out much longer than they need to, the actors overemphasize the words they’re speaking to make what they’re saying sound funnier, the jokes don’t have a proper setup to be understood by the audience, or all 3. To me it ends up being more embarrassing than funny.

*Beer!*
Well I wonder where this is going!

Regardless of my thoughts on this humor, Willow decides the next morning after getting the wand from the Brownies’ leader to deliver Elora on his own, so he sends Meegosh back home to keep him safe. Aww, but I thought they were gonna be the next Frodo and Sam! With little help from the Brownies, Willow makes his way to a nearby pub and decides to settle in on account of the rain where he ends up eventually running into a familiar face.

So, in the nearly 10 minutes of being off-screen, Madmartigan has managed to get himself into yet another entanglement (he’s essentially Jack Sparrow before Jack Sparrow) by having an affair with a married man’s wife. The only reason Madmartigan is dressed as a woman is just “Haha, man in dress!” I know he’s trying to disguise himself to not be recognized by the woman’s husband, but Willow and co. could’ve just as easily found him out on their journey in the field or something and confronted him about losing track of Elora then, so this whole moment isn’t needed. Naturally, the woman’s husband comes in and is completely fooled by Madmartigan’s disguise until Sorsha reenters the picture and calls Madmartigan out on his BS. This of course causes the now enraged man who seconds earlier made a pass at Madmartigan in drag to provide him and Willow the perfect opportunity for an escape on quite possibly the worst constructed cart in human history.

These wheels didn't even hit anything, they just disintegrated out of nowhere!
What were they even made of, paper maché?

Wait, where’s Elora in all this? She’s just chillin’ in the front of the cart. While all this is going on. Um, I think if this were real life she’d probably be dead. Willow seems to agree with me, but Madmartigan has the ovaries to say this!

*I just saved that infant's life!*
According to the script, yes, but according to science, she's probably been killed several times over.

They also decide to stick with each other just long enough until they go their separate ways. To me that seems like a terrible idea considering how much of a liability Madmartigan is, but the movie seems to like it so who cares? We briefly get a scene from Queen Bavmorda and Kael back at her evil lair where she asks him what’s taking so long finding a baby. Since that’s the most logical question in the movie so far, I’m assuming that’s why they cut away from it so quickly. After Willow and Madmartigan make camp for the night, Willow also tries out his new wand. He says the magic words and it goes about as well as you’d expect.

Not too long after this bit of fun they make it to the lake where the sorceress Raziel’s island is said to be. Madmartigan and Willow go their separate ways and Willow goes out onto the lake to find Raziel’s island and give her the wand. Of course Willow wants to keep Elora safe during this process so he does the smart thing and leaves her with the Brownies. If you need me to explain to you why that’s dumb, you probably wrote this movie.

George, how nice of you to read my blog!
Tell me, how are the new Star Wars adaptations going?

Willow disembarks on Raziel’s island only to find -

- a talking common brushtail possum.
Yes, I Googled this.

As much crap as I gave the Brownie humor from before, this setup does get some laughs out of me. This is apparently Raziel (played by Patricia Hayes) trapped in the body of a common brushtail possum by Queen Bavmorda to prevent her from rising against her. What mostly makes it funny for me is how Patricia Hayes leans really hard into sounding animal-like given her otherwise distinguished voice, and she does this for every animal she becomes throughout the movie! Given Willow’s inexperience with real magic, he tries a couple times to transform Raziel back into her human form only to end up trapping her in a different animal body: a crow and a goat respectively. For now Willow just takes Raziel back to see Elora until they’re interrupted by Sorsha’s army carrying a captured Madmartigan along with them. Like I said: Jack Sparrow.

Doesn't Madmartigan just have one of those easily punchable faces?
The only way he could be any more punchable was if he was also somehow Jim Morrison.
...oh wait.

So Willow escapes with Madmart - nah, you know they all get captured! I had you going for a second though, didn’t I? While they’re in the process of marching to their mountain camp, we also get this weird love thing between Sorsha and Madmartigan. Obviously they hate each other right now, but you know the golden rule of movies: if a guy meets a girl, whether they like each other or not, they have to get together in the end. Straight relationships! In their new cage, Willow tries to use the wand to free Raziel (why didn’t they take the wand away from him?) only to turn her into a crow like I said. Madmartigan also tries to pick the lock on their cage, but the Brownies whack him with love powder which turns him into James Franco from Spider-Man 3. This looks promising. After the Brownies free them, Madmartigan goes to retrieve Elora from Sorsha’s tent, but then this happens:

*I love you*.
"Life...finds a way." - Ian Malcolm, *Jurassic Park* 1993

Sorsha wakes up and is not happy, but Madmartigan distracts her with his hipster poetry long enough for Willow to swipe Elora. Something else I feel like is worth mentioning is that Sorsha is really boring. What bothers me about it is that she has the opportunity to be someone super interesting and cool, but the movie ends up doing practically nothing with her. From the way they set her up, to me it seems like she’s kind of a Han Solo, Prince Zuko, and Éowyn all rolled into one character which is awesome. In the end though, she’s just a pretty face. All she does is wear armor, look at stuff, have a dagger, get captured, get turned into a pig (but since she’s too hot for that they don’t show it, it’s just implied), and presumably marries Madmartigan. Truly a timeless character. In the sense that people will likely be writing pointless characters like this until the end of time.

Willow and co. manage to escape Sorsha and her army just long enough for Madmartigan’s love powder to wear off, and they plan an ambush for Sorsha. It’s not so much planned since they were initially just trying to hide from her until she walks right into them like a true military genius. Is that what she’s supposed to be?

*Yes.*
That's just stupid!
*...No?*
Then **she's** stupid!
*...Yes* ***and*** *no!*
George...

At the same time Willow and the super friends meet back up with Airk from earlier and convince him to fight alongside them. It took practically no convincing and yet the movie thinks this is plenty of time to build up a tragic death for Airk at the end of the movie. Sorry, but no. Also, before I move on there are still some things in this sequence that I thought were kinda fun. This one moment of Willow and Madmartigan sledding down a mountainside on a shield to escape Sorsha’s army is pretty cool mostly because it reminds me of something.

I'm not gonna say what it is, but it rhymes with "Verminator 2: Fudgement Day".

And again, I have to admit I laughed at this.

It's cartoon-y, but that's why I like it.

Despite not being very good overall, I have to admit that there are certain moments in this movie that I genuinely enjoy. I’m not sure if I’d go so far to say that these scenes are enough to make me say I’m glad I watched this film, but we still have a good chunk of movie left to figure that out so let’s move on.

After Sorsha’s very dumb capture at the hands of the dumbest character, Willow’s baby posse makes their way to a castle where it’s said that there’s a fully armed army of soldiers and protection for weary travelers. The whole time, Madmartigan is arguing with Sorsha. Why didn’t he get rid of her at this point, what’s the benefit of keeping her? Also, if he truly hated her, now probably would’ve been the best time to kill her since she doesn’t have her army around to save her and that would leave her army with one fewer commander.

Sorsha gets away and the team make their way to the castle just in time to find out that there’s no army, no people, and no protection. Fantastic. It’s such a bad situation that I actually start agreeing with Madmartigan!

"*Everything will be all right when we get to Tir Asleen."*
*The only army around here is the one that's about to ride across this valley and wipe us out!*
I hate to say it, but...yes!
How are they supposed to defend themselves like this?!

Don’t worry, some contrived writing will fix this up! Despite having no one to help them, Madmartigan at least manages to get some weapons and armor for himself while Willow sets up some catapults. Willow also tries to transform Raziel again, only to turn her into a goat. This is probably my favorite of her animal forms. The entire time Patricia Hayes is talking in this form she talks in this overly exaggerated goat voice which is just ridiculous to hear. Another thing that’s worth mentioning is that most of the time Raziel has been helping the group in subtle ways. Back when they were hiding from Sorsha she used her crow form to distract the army from Elora’s cries giving away their position (because now babies can cry at inconvenient times), and as a goat she uses her horns to butt various objects at their enemies during this siege.

Right when the group thinks they’re completely ready for the incoming army onslaught (because two people and a goat can totally fight off an entire army), they realize their fort is being invaded by trolls! If you were paying attention earlier you may remember that Willow hates trolls.

By the way, what do these trolls look like?

Willow manages to fend this first one off by zapping it with the wand per Raziel’s suggestion, but instead of killing it, it does this.

Congratulations, it's Xenomorph conjoined twins!

Like any sensible person, Willow kicks it into the water below the bridge, but this also doesn’t kill it. Apparently this freshly formed monster has been listening to Kelly Clarkson, because “what doesn’t kill it makes it stronger” and when the army breaks into the castle, this is the first thing they see.

I’d also like to take back a bit of what I said in the intro here as well. When I mentioned this monster there, I mostly poked fun at it and I don’t really think it’s that bad. In the end it’s still really 80’s which is charming in its own way and I’ve always been a fan of stop-motion in general because of the unique kind of motion that it can create. Of course it’s not perfect, but then again when is anything in this movie perfect? This is basically par for the course at this point! Ultimately it still has a creepy and gross design that I’d want a monster like this to have and does some pretty nasty things like gobble up soldiers and trolls alike as well as breathe fire on its enemies.

Now Willow and Madmartigan have to fend off the army forces and whatever the frick this is! This is both a blessing and a curse since the monster isn’t on anyone’s side and just eats everything it comes across, but I still feel like it’s way too easy for Willow, Madmartigan, Raziel, and Elora to survive all of this. Remember Elora?! Where is she in all this?! I’m pretty sure it’s Willow that’s holding onto her the whole time, but again I feel like she survives pretty easily like in the case with the cart from earlier. In the middle of the fight, Sorsha ends up switching sides with this display:

George, your Anakin and Padmé is showing.

Eventually Airk comes in with his army which is what turns the tide in this fight. Uh-oh, but Willow gets overpowered by Kael and Elora gets stolen! Come on, you know they’re gonna get her back in the end so this isn’t tense in the slightest. Willow however is devastated, and this is where I really like Warwick Davis’ acting, because I totally believe from his physicality, his facial expressions, and his tone that he just barely survived this arduous battle and can’t forgive himself for letting Elora get taken on his watch. His friends are there to comfort him though and they make their way to Bavmorda’s castle to stop the ritual. Wait, why is there a ritual? Why can’t Bavmorda just murder Elora and call it good?

Bavmorda also can’t believe that her own daughter turned against her despite the fact that she knew she would turn against her but refused to accept that she would turn against her. I say that’s on you, girl. In a huff she marches out to see Airk’s army outside the castle waiting for her but instead she laughs and proclaims them all pigs. This is where the movie loses me a slight bit. We haven’t seen Bavmorda do any magic up until this point so I feel like they overcompensate for that by having her use her massive power to transform the entire army into pigs. That and this is, for some reason, the most amount of power she uses in the movie! She doesn’t even go all out for the climax! What the heck?! What makes it even more insulting is that this magic doesn’t even last that long since Willow finally gets control of the wand, manages to change Raziel back to her human form, and she reverts the pig transformation, like, 5 minutes later. Not even. What was even the point of this outside of being a little funny? In the end it just slows things down more than anything!

Also yes, the whole army is made up of pigs now. Madmartigan, Airk, even including yet somehow not including Sorsha are all pigs. Side note: how is this not the most embarrassing thing Val Kilmer has ever done? The only way it would be even more embarrassing is if he said this:

*It's the snout, right? Chicks love the snout.*

While this is going on, Bavmorda -

Decided now is the best time to try on her Halloween costume.
*Look Mommy, I wrapped the toilet paper all by myself!*

Like I said though, Willow transforms Raziel back to normal causing Raziel to do the same for the pig army and they plan to infiltrate the castle the next day. Turns out all it took was tarps. For an “Evil Queen”, that’s pretty embarrassing. Seriously, the only thing they do is hide underneath the collapsed tents until the army comes out to try and kill the defenseless Willow and Raziel. I could go into more detail on how Bavmorda could’ve easily smote them ahead of time, but it’s just not worth it at this point. Regardless of how I feel, Willow and his ragtag group of soldiers are now inside the castle walls as Bavmorda prays to the Gods above in the name of the holy sweet and sour sauce. Willow, Sorsha, and Raziel make their way up the tallest tower to where the ritual is taking place and Raziel manages to keep Bavmorda busy while Willow contemplates his worth as a character.

Meanwhile, Airk gets killed by Kael. Sob. Madmartigan’s definitely sobbing, so he kills Kael. Cool. Back with the main characters, Raziel doesn’t seem to be doing so hot as Bavmorda gets the better of her, but Willow swoops in to steal Elora. It doesn’t last long. Bavmorda catches him running out with her and demands he put her back on the altar so the ritual can be finished. Why doesn’t she just friggin’ kill him if she’s such a “powerful sorceress?!” She doesn’t because she’s dumb and instead lets Willow get under her skin both figuratively and literally. Back before Willow left his village earlier in the movie, the village leader gave him magic acorns that makes anything he throws them at turn to stone. Willow goes to cash in Chekhov’s acorns only for this to happen.

As it turns out though, Willow has one final trick up his sleeve! He uses his magician skills to make Bavmorda believe that he made Elora disappear. She falls for it. I think we’ve established that Bavmorda isn’t very smart. The even stupider thing is that Willow doesn’t even kill Bavmorda. Seriously, how lame is that?! Say what you will about Frodo, at least he threw the Ring into Mount Doom along with Gollum! Instead I think God just got tired of Bavmorda’s crap, because this just randomly happens.

I think that's God's equivalent of a middle finger.

So basically it’s happily ever after, you know? Everyone seems to be happy as Raziel is reinstated as the greatest sorceress (a good one this time) in all the land, I’m pretty sure Madmartigan and Sorsha get married, Willow returns home to his family, and Burglekutt reminds us he was a character.

Everyone lives happily ever after as the credits roll, so what’re my thoughts? It’s complicated, but let me try and explain it for you.

More than anything I think it’s important for me to say that this isn’t a good movie. At the same time I can’t necessarily say it’s downright bad though, it’s mostly just unoriginal, tired, and kinda dumb. When I think about it though, I can’t help but wonder if that’s more or less what the point of it was. It’s filled with fantasy clichés left and right, but it’s also rated PG. Ultimately I feel like this movie was strictly intended for kids, and for what kids are looking for in a fantasy story I’m sure they’d like it just fine. I know my mom did when she was young considering that she grew up with this movie herself, so instead I’ve kinda started thinking about this movie as a “gateway film.” Not so much made for the purposes of pushing the boundaries of what a genre can do, but made so it can help introduce young audiences to the ideas and concepts of what the fantasy genre is with magic, swords, castles, etc. If that’s what the point of the movie was, then I think they hit the nail on the head. Most of what makes it difficult to watch for adults is what makes it easy to watch for children considering they’ve never experienced other fantasy stories before, or at least experienced very few.

Of course I don’t mean to overshadow any of my other criticisms that I had throughout this review. Do I wish the world was more well-defined? Yes. Do I wish the movie had decided to push the envelope more instead of stay in its comfort zone? Absolutely! In the end does it really matter in the eyes of a child though? No. That I think is what’s more important to remember in this context. I wouldn’t say the movie is in any way detrimental to kids who watch it, and if it’s because of this film that they become fans of the fantasy genre as they get older then more power to them. Considering that most of the people who are likely reading this blog post right now are legal adults, I wouldn’t recommend this movie for them with the exception of those few moments I can’t help but laugh at. By chance any legal adults reading this happen to have children they might consider showing this movie to, I wouldn’t tell them not to. Always remember that certain children can handle certain things more than others and I believe there are a few moments (primarily with the stop-motion monster) that you may want to consider for yourselves before showing this film to your kids. Outside of that though, if you think your child can handle some of the more frightening images and you want to introduce them to the concept of fantasy then grab your magic TV wand and watch Willow for your weekend movie night this week!

Rating this movie is a bit tricky, but I think I’ll go with a solid 2.5/5 common brushtail possums. If you made it this far you probably know how conflicted I am on this film at this point, so what I decided to do was give it a few extra credits for accomplishing what I assumed its intention was while still giving it demerits for the problems I noticed. At the end of the day the intentions of the filmmakers couldn’t outweigh the blatant issues in my eyes, but rest assured that I at least thought about this one for a while. Probably longer than is considered ‘normal’.

(I make no claim of ownership for any of the images used in this post)

(Each of them are owned entirely by their respective copyright holders, which are not me)

(I’m just a humble blogger who talks about movies, I do not make them)

(Yet)

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